husband had affair doesn't want sex with me

[signedin2008]

Well that's really good to hear!! I'm glad things have picked up for you, even if just a little. But just remember the rollercoaster ride. If it's like what my wife and I experienced, you're still in for some more ups and downs.

 

My wife didn't feel comfortable posting her name on this forum. She did register though, and may post to your thread. We went over your thread again over the weekend and she felt so much connection with you and the similarity of feelings. She's planning a trip to Tucson in Feb/March, and she said if you lived anywhere nere there, it would have to be fate and she'd find a way to get in touch with you.

 

Again, I'm happy you got a little spark back, and I hope things'll continue to improve, bit by bit.

 

So, are you still emailing the OW or engange in sexual acts with her through web cam? How would your children feel if they find out what their dad is doing with some woman from the internet?

 

You've mentioned that you did not intentionally seek out this woman to have web cam sex with, but, how and where on the internet did you meet her who's willing to strip down for you and pleasure herself in front of you?

[heart's desire]

Dear Itspersonal,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I felt bad that I said so much about myself in your thread. How are you doing now? You gave me some hope but it sound like your husband really wants things to work and although my husband "wishes" things would work for us and our family he is in such a strong state of withdrawal that it is not possible for us at this time. You said "in order to recover from this tragic event we have to really want to make it happen, to fake it till we make it,,,Meaning,,,make dates to make love,,,make space and time for deep and intimate touching that does not involve sex but to create the desire ,,,to reach out emotionally and share your inner self and to realize that loving someone else means loving yourself." We heard this same thing from one of our MCs but my husband can NOT fake it. That just doesn't work for him. He hates when people say love is a "choice" for him it is a "feeling" and he doesn't have that feeling now. Also I don't believe he loves himself right now so he is not capable of loving someone else. He even seems somewhat distant from our children.

 

I feel my husband maybe in a MLC, he is at times depressed and confused. I realize that because he feels our marriage needs work and he is not happy he isn't capable of intimacy right now. He has an empty hole in him and is looking to fill it to feel better. The affair worked for awhile and made him feel alive and happy but he is sorry it ever happened as it has created so many other problems. One thing that bothers me is that the other day when I asked him if he still thinks about her he said he does almost daily! I know it takes time to move on but I don't see us progressing much until he is not thinking about her (actually the concept of someone like her) and he focuses on us. He mentioned that he thought having our daughter come home for Christmas would help him feel better but that didn't do it either.

 

Yesterday he looked at an apartment and I think he is planning on moving out very soon. He says he needs space to work on himself and basically wants/needs to stop this terrible unsettled feeling he has in his chest. Any thoughts on being apart verses staying together while working on things? How do you get rid of the chest pain? I think an antidepressive pill could help. My husband stopped taking his after a few month as he didn't think it helped him.

 

Well Itspersonal I do hope you are doing better. I am quite confident you and your husband will work things out. You sound like a very caring special person and he would be a fool to leave you. Anything positive you can tell me gives me a ray of hope. I don't want to loose that ray. My husband said as long as I see some hope and want to meet with people, etc. he is willing to go. After living with my husband for 26 years I can't imagine how things will be if he moves out which my happen next weekend!

[itspersonal]

Hi,

 

I am sorry it took me so long to respond to your post. I am so sorry to hear that things are unraveling for you and your husband. I think that during this whole process I have learned so much about myself and my relationship that I am overwhelmed. I am reading a new book that has helped me considerably. It is called Love and Respect. It seems to hit home in so many areas and I now see how I had underminded my relationship without even realizing it. We have been working very hard at recovery from this awful situation. I am on the road to healing and forgiveness is in my heart however at times I find it hard to deal with. I still cry often and I am very pained that this has happened and I almost believe at times I am in denial but I still push forward. If I dwell on it too much it serves me no purpose so moving forward is what I am trying to do. I do not excuse his choices however I do see my part is large in the breakdown of our marriage and communication. I am/was willing to let him go after long and hard suffering and I don't know why but once I came to that, he seemed to want to work on healing. He can only say he is sorry so many times and I am not one to live in crisis once I am moving forward however this one is bigger then me and it is taking more time for me to just realize what has happened before i begin to really move on. I know now I can live with what he has done but it is so painful at times I just need to shut it out. My husband is working hard on trying to figure out the whys and I am working hard to try and figure out what I can do different to heal our marriage so together we are making some headway. I think the real issue here is my lack of respect for him. I didn't ever realize I wasn't giving him that but in retrospect I realize that i didn't. She came along,,,you are mr wonderful, you are so important etc and wham,,,,,I see this more clearly every day. Bottom line is she filled a gap that I was not filling,,,His choice was wrong,,,his reasoning was sick but his behavior is understandable if that makes sense. Our marriage will be better,,,If we both want that,,,if not, we will move forward in a loving way. I am not sure how I will feel down that road but today which is all I have right now,,I am healing and surviving this awful event in my life. I am choosing to not dwell on it and to remove it from my thoughts when it starts to shake me up which it can do so easily. I hope your husband is still there with you and/or that you are doing ok,,,hang in there,,,

 

Thank you everyone for all you have done to help me and please continue to email me when you can,,,,I do still need to hear from all of you and want so much to hear more on the process.

[Kamikaze]

He is back seeing the OW! This is typical.

 

Kami

[itspersonal]

That question threw me especially tonight. I just found out she is at the hotel where he is staying in Utah,,,she lives in California,,he kept her going from me (she works for him) and then checked her in under his card,,,i found out because I noted he had two confirmations. He tried to tell me it was all business and that others are staying there too,,,he said he wanted the points and he is the boss so he paid for her room but of course not the other people. He tried to tell me it was strickly business but that he didn't want to upset me. He went on and on,,,,my heart knows better. There are on separate floors but it doesn't matter,,,he is in Utah with her,,,and I wasn't told. He is a liar and a cheat and I have that to deal with so YES I believe he is seeing her. He swears it was business and that he has to work her or lose his job which is not replaceable now but I say bull.,,,he could have brought someone else,,,he says they were all busy I say he is the boss and could tell them to come instead. He fooled me again...my feelings are fading fast. It doesn't hurt or shock as much this time,,,my only question is do I speak to her again, tell her husband and family and do what she did to mine,,cause destruction or move out or believe him. I am confused but he is so convincing. God will this ever end. We were just signing up for intensive programs to help us heal and all kinds of positive stuff and here he is again,,,she must be something. Oh well, back to the lies, deceit and truth of who he is. He fooled me again! So what made you ask that question from my above post?

[65tr6]

Our marriage will be better,,,If we both want that,,,if not, we will move forward in a loving way. I am not sure how I will feel down that road but today which is all I have right now,,I am healing and surviving this awful event in my life. .

itspersonal, you are correct but there are fundamental steps that need to happen first..

such as NO NC and complete/open honest communication. Without that, imo, it is very difficult to pick up the pieces and move forward. Have you looked at plan a and plan b at marriagebuilders.com ? Why can he not quit his job or find work somewhere else ?

 

He didnt tell you that he was travelling with her. To me, that is a huge flag. All i can say, be prepared to EXPOSE and then plan a, b.

 

Is he remorseful at all ?

[itspersonal]

Not only he didn't tell me he was traveling with her but he also put her under our points in another room. So when I called to ask why we had two confirmations they said well my husband rented the room but she was staying in it. That is how I found out. He has begged me to believe him but he is a liar. He has told me he has to be there it is his job yet he has 13 other dsm's and I am sure one could have gone instead of her. No he lied to me again. I don't know what expose means. what is NO and NC? He is telling me he will do anything that he should have told me but didn't know how to deal with my reaction etc. I say he is a liar. I am shut down and he says he will SHOW ME HOW MUCH HE MEANS it ,,think its too late. I cannot live like this,,,no one is worth this. I can't breath again but this time it isn't worse then before it is getting easier to see his real character. I dont think he slept with her but that isn't because he didn't want to,,,it was because other workers are there,,,Her husband needs to know but everyone here tells me not to be that person. I dont know anymore,,,I just don't think I want him..could he be telling the truth,,yeah,,,do i believe him no so there you have it...what next,,,He has looked for jobs but finding one that will keep us afloat is difficult as he makes a lot of money and in this economy we cannot make a downward change. He doesn't know how to be honest. I will go to look at plan a and b again,,,,thank you

[2sure]

To me, whats next, is one of the first things that should have been done.

 

Tell the OW spouse.

 

Many posters will tell you not to do this out of revenge, spite, anger and of course thats not a good enough reason.

 

But there is an excellent and valid reason to tell her husband which has nothing to do with your feelings or intentions.

 

While the marriage problems exist solely between you and your husband or at least lie only with your spouse....

 

When the affair is revealed to the other person's spouse - you have a MUCH better chance of stopping it in its tracks, makeing them both thing, making them have consequences....because you cant do those things on your own.

 

Its important especially if you are considering reconciliation at all because you and your marriage need this window of opportunity to objectively evaluate what is happening. It isnt a cure all - but telling the other person's spouse will likely stop the affair long enough to create this window.

[itspersonal]

I just don't have the courage to do that! I want to do it out of revenge and maybe that is why because what does that make me. I guess until I decide that revenge is not my motive I can't see it. I know he has a right to know but she should tell him not me. I am also afraid my husband will lose his job as he is her boss and her husband works for the union and I know where that will go. I am certain that there would be huge disaster if I make that decision. I feel like if I have to tell on them so to speak, I don't want him. If he can't be man enough to change this then she can have him. I am losing all feelings for him. I hung on and he screwed me again and that is enough of that. I am a strong person and this has damaged me and now I am almost at the end of my rope. I don't like him anymore. So, for now, I will let them live with what they are doing and I will begin to get a new life in motion just in case. I am not sure they are sleeping together,,,it is my storyline and he may be telling the truth but whether or not he is,,,I have to take care of me now. I cannot imagine anyone doing this to another person over and over so he isn't a decent person in my book. He is not who I thought him to be. She is an evil woman too to be able to do this to her family and his. My life will go on and maybe just maybe they deserve each other. I will think about what you said but I just can't bring myself to throw this kind of pain onto another person.

[signedin2008]

You need to the the OW's spouse!

 

You have to expose to people who have influence over your husband and the OW.

 

You're supporting the affair by keeping it secret and not letting the OW's husband know! How cruel is that? Wouldn't you want or need to know if you were in the OW's husband's shoes? You NEED to tell him ASAP and without warning to OW or your husband first, because if you do, they will make sure he think that you're crazy before you even have a chance to expose. Do it now!

[itspersonal]

hi all,

 

well it has been a while since I have posted. I have had ups and downs beyond reason but I am still here and surviving. I am over the tremendous lows and although I cry often, I also have joy again. Hubby stayed and we are working hard at trying to heal. I am not sure if I am able to do that but I am giving it my all. He has no contact with OW and that helps. Strange things is I went back and read all the cards etc that we had given each other this past year and all the love we wrote in them even just a few months prior to EA. It doesn't seem possible that he was really unhappy. Did find out OW has had 4 tries at stealing another husband so that is interesting. I wish I could go back and take this all away as it really has been difficult. No intimacy yet as he is avoiding it,,I don't understand that totally but he says he feels nothing in that area. He says he is shut down and that he can't seem to open that back up yet however he is getting closer. I too am shut down in this area strangely enough. I know I am still dealing with the shock and the grief but in time I hope to heal it. It has been since Oct. I think it is time for us to get back on the horse so to speak and I am ready to address this. After the Affair states that u just have to do it. So that is our next goal. Counseling is helping. I still feel dead sometimes but not as powerfully as before. It is hard to relax,,,trust and enjoy. We dont' have a lot to talk about outside the affair which scares me. He still doesn't communicate his feelings well,,,warning sign. I will give it time and see where this goes. My trust is not there understandably but I feel less threatened now. I am beginning to check less then before so that is good. Every once in a while I snap and act crazy but I am working on that daily. The pain of it all is just too much,,,I feel for us all. Please update me on all of you that were such an integral part of my survival those first few months. How long did it take for all of you to be intimate again? We are intimate in every way but sex. It is getting difficult for me. I just feel the need to be touched and loved in that way and I am waiting patiently but enough seems to be enough,,,who knows? Just feel so much pain sometimes but other times I see the light,,,I can survive without him although he says he hopes that doesn't happen. He says he hopes I can heal and forgive,,,I have forgiven for the most part ,,,now it is a matter of trust and getting on with our lives ,,,,we are communicating better however he still says he has no joy in life at all and that he is a bad person,,,I feel for him but that is the result of his actions and I hope he can forgive himself soon!

[Spark1111]

My husband of 23 years had an 6 month affair with a coworker. I was totally in the dark as I thought we were happy. To make a long story short,,,the affair is over,,,we are in therapy and he is the one on the fence about staying. He is in midlife crisis as well. I am willing to do what it takes to fix my part and keep the marriage but I have an issue,,,the first three weeks after the affair he wanted to have sex with me and he was loving and overwhelmingly hopeful about realizing what he stood to lose...then now he doesn't want to have sex or be physically close to me for the last 3 weeks. The counselor says he is on the fence about me however he tells me he is just exhausted by it all and needs time. Shouldn't that have been my line? Anyway,,,has anyone gone through a phase where their husbands didn't want to have sex with them after the affair? The affair is def. over. Is there something wrong with me? Why and how can he resist me? He says we used to go for months without so what has changed,,,I have explained to him that I need the reconnection but he isn't hearing me. Am I crazy,,,is this common? He says we need to learn to communicated in other arenas first??? Help me,,,I need to be given love and sex,,,has anyone been through this?

 

and it is known as mourning the affair partner, as much as that may hurt you. All the excitement and emotional gratification in having a fantasy relationship is over for your WS. They are left with guilt and pain for hurting you and heartbreak for losing the affair partner. Illicit sex with a new person is such a "high" producer: brain chemicals are released that are better than drugs that produce euphoria. It is also a part of losing mature judgement. As they come back to earth, they do seem or ARE depressed.

 

Equally understandable is your need to be validated as desirable with a WS. I have been there. And as much as it pains me to advise this, YOU are the one who must be patient with THEM as they make there way back to reality. I am so sorry for your pain, because I have felt it. Concentrate on yourself. Get into counseling, and patiently wait for what unfolds, if you choose to. If he wants to, he will come back to you.

 

Affairs are likened to addiction. After discovering thousands of minutes on my WS's phone bill to the OW, I told him, "I have been in love before you, but I NEVER needed to speak to my beloved 12 times a day! What the hell did you talk about?" He looked at me dazed, like a deer in the headlights and could not remember....a single conversation! Pathetic!

[Spark1111]

itspersonal, you are correct but there are fundamental steps that need to happen first..

such as NO NC and complete/open honest communication. Without that, imo, it is very difficult to pick up the pieces and move forward. Have you looked at plan a and plan b at marriagebuilders.com ? Why can he not quit his job or find work somewhere else ?

 

He didnt tell you that he was travelling with her. To me, that is a huge flag. All i can say, be prepared to EXPOSE and then plan a, b.

 

Is he remorseful at all ?

 

65, is sooooo right!

 

My husband did not truly desire me, commit to me, emotionally engage WITH ME, until ALL contact with the OW had ended! He did have remorse, but as long as she was in the wings asking how our reconciliation was going, (KIND WORDS INDEED, YES?) I sensed? knew? he was not 100 percent engaged in repairing "us." Investigate, confirm, and be prepared. Good luck.

[signedin2008]

Maybe she gave him a STD and he is scared to give it to you?

[itspersonal]

Thanks sparks. I know he is depressed but I hate to think that it is over losing her. He says he misses the rush but not her., could that be? He found out after the fact that she has done this with others in the company and he was horrified,,,he said that he can't even think to look at her knowing he wasn't the only one and this was routine for her. I don't know if all that is true but he has said over and over it is not her he misses. I am waiting patiently and he is being more loving each day but he is so disconnected to me and the world,,there is NC with her as she has been moved to another department with another boss. Thank goodness. He made it happen. He says he feels numb still and has no real feelings except love for me and the kids. He says that he can't live with what he has done and wishes he would get t-boned but would never hurt himself purposefully. He says he is afraid I will not be able to forgive and heal. I say he may be right as I know now that I could live without him. My strength is back and I feel like it would be an awful thing to deal with but I would get through it. He went on Anti depressants and that is helping some. I am focusing on me the best I can and trying to heal me and get strong so that I can face whatever happens here. He refused to leave when I asked him too saying that he didn't want to risk losing me and he knew I wouldn't wait for him to go live on his own for a few months to get his act together. He is right,,,that is not another grief I am willing to go through and then take him back to what end? To risk that in two years he would leave again? So he says he wants me to love him but he doesn't feel loveable ,,,,it is sad. The stronger I get the more he seems in pain,,when I show weakness and break occassionally ,,he seems to feel safe or something,,,it is odd. Thanks for the info,,,I hope it is the excitement and not her,,,jezzzz how much can a person take ...I am at the end of my rope with all this crap really and I am ready to heal and if he wants to come along great,,,if not,,,cut me loose I say!

[LostLamb]

Is he depressed because he was in love with her but refuses to admit it to himself? You seem so alone in this marriage when he should be more attentive/loving than ever.

[signedin2008]

there is NC with her as she has been moved to another department with another boss.

 

 

How do you know there is NC? How do you know she is not cheating on this other boss with your husband? How do you know for sure that your husband is strong enough to turn away from this rush/addiction? How do you know your H is not getting a fix once in a while by emailing/phoning her or a occational motel visit?

 

How do you know that he is telling the truth? What extraordinary precaution are you and him using to protect your marraige? Do you know that this extraordinary precaustion including changing job (if affair partner was met through work) AND moving to another state (if the affair partner is in the same state/location)?

 

Are you doing any of that?

[jwi71]

Thanks sparks. I know he is depressed but I hate to think that it is over losing her. He says he misses the rush but not her., could that be?

 

I think that is a very honest statement by him. IME, the OW is a symptom...an object. Its not HER but what she represents and as such the OW becomes less human. You see the OW as Jane Smith...but the WS sees the OW as excitement, recaptured youth, cloak and dagger, "special". I would believe that from your H.

 

He found out after the fact that she has done this with others in the company and he was horrified,,,he said that he can't even think to look at her knowing he wasn't the only one and this was routine for her

All cheaters think they are special, that the OP is special, its only them. It feeds the ego....except that if they are willing to cheat with you, they are willing to cross that line with anyone who strikes their fancy. There's actually along thread on that in the OW/OM which makes for a disturbingly entertaining read. Some is quite funny in fact albeit in a sad way.

 

. I don't know if all that is true but he has said over and over it is not her he misses.

I would tend to agree, especially after he found out he wasn;t so "special".

 

I am waiting patiently and he is being more loving each day but he is so disconnected to me and the world,,there is NC with her as she has been moved to another department with another boss. Thank goodness. He made it happen. He says he feels numb still and has no real feelings except love for me and the kids

These are superficailly good signs. I see some positive steps. Maybe even for what passes as remorse. Apathy is the end of marriages, not sadness, remorse, anger....

 

So he says he wants me to love him but he doesn't feel loveable ,,,,it is sad.

I would ask of this in MC. That strikes me as unusal especially since he has claimed this from day one.

 

The stronger I get the more he seems in pain,,when I show weakness and break occassionally ,,he seems to feel safe or something,,,it is odd.

Pursue these thoughts as well in MC. Its not odd in the least. This, painly put, is his FEAR (one of them). Do NOT use it against him but rather explore it and reassure him. Recovery is a brutal process requiring superhuman strength. This is one of those times for YOU. Speak of together and in MC.

 

really and I am ready to heal and if he wants to come along great,,,if not,,,cut me loose I say!

I bet your H gets this loud and clear. So...another decision point for you is approaching...

 

Recovery is BRUTAL. ON everyone. Its a long and painful fight with many twists and turns, role reversals and gut wrenching conversations. It is a process and many, perhaps most, do NOT make it. You are beginning to see why. Like I said, another decision point for you...continue or quit.

 

Stay in touch, perhaps those of us who have been there can help...

[itspersonal]

It is so interesting that you read my "aloneness" in my words. I am very lonely. He is traveling 3 days a week and 1 day for preparation and return and it is very hard. I told him last night that he is traveling too much and that I am very lonely. I think in truth I have been lonely for years as he is a workaholic and I have never come first and now when I need it the most he is still working non stop. I feel a bit empty today. The big bosses are in town so he had to talk to all the employees in sales and she is still a sales person so I know they talked. It seems to me that if they talk it would rekindle old feelings but he says not. He says he thinks she is a serial cheater and it makes him sick. Who really knows,,,I don't think he ever spoke much truth in all these years. I have lived with confusion my whole marriage. We are talking about this in therapy. He opened doors that were better left unopened. I actually am glad we don't have sex because that was always our main connection for me. I don't know about him...I can't imagine being able to even hear the voice of someone I was hooked up with without feeling something but my husband can shut off anything and anyone. He has a personality that when he doesn't want yo in his life,,,you are dead to him emotionally. He doesn't open his feelings for many and I can easily see him shutting her out and then it is over,. He has been doing better since the antidepressants so I see more joy in him when he is with me. He is getting better...Did he love her,,,I don't think so but anything is possible. I sincerely doubt it,,,it was the high and excitement of it all and I have no doubt he liked her a lot but love is a really difficult thing for my husband and takes a lot for him to open his heart that deep. If he does love her, I am powerless over it and my life will go on but again I doubt it very much. Then again, I have been wrong about a lot of things the last 9 months. Its been a hard painful angry week for me.,,,

[itspersonal]

jwi71 thank you so much for your insight,,,,it helps me to stay grounded to hear I am not and this is not unusual etc. I try not to use it against him but sometimes I sincerely do not care,,,if we make it or not,,,is that awful. Most times I do. He keeps telling me he is a bad person and that is hard to hear all the time. I agree with you about her being an object. He doesn't love her. However I asked him if he ever thought of what this would do to me and my soul and he looked at me and said "no" I was on a different planet so to speak. That is hard for me to digest. He is being very understanding of my ups and downs and that helps. I am trying to assure him that I love him but that I have to be able to regain trust to stay. He understands. I am not sure i can do this,,,I am trying my best but I have to be honest..however when I think of being with someone else I cringe so my thinking of the future has him and only him in it. I am fighting for us but it is hard,,you are right,,I can see why many don't make it. Today I will be the best wife I know how to be and try to control my mood swings. He said last night he doesn't know which place I will be in minute to minute and he doesn't know how to act. He is right and I must work on being consistant dilegently. Its just my emotions are not consistant so I am struggling with it. Thank you for your feedback

[PinkCandyGloss]

I have different feelings about this. If my husband cheated on me for a fact he would be out the door. i would never try to consider his feelings when i knew he wasn't thinking about mine.

[Athena]

Itspersonal, just a suggestion: some antidepressants, e.g. Prozac, give people a numb, sexually dead feeling... have your husband check with his doctor about this -- H might want to try one of the newer 'designer' drugs that do not mess with sexual desire .

[itspersonal]

Thanks Athena,,,,I spoke to him and he is heading to the dr this week. I think you are right about that being a problem.