not sure how to go on

[Dmoney28]

I posted here before, so i guess i will do it again. For those of you not familiar with my story, i cheated. It was a 3.5 year relationship....ended in around august of this year. We like all couples had problems. But it was me who made the choice. I took full responisibility. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I have seen a psychologist twice a month, attended group counselling, attended church services 3 times a week. I read several books "the 5 languages of love".."the 5 languages of apology". I have made leeps and bounds regarding myself as a person. I feel quite proud of my progress. I assured her my behaviour wasnt her fault. I have apoliged and express true remorse through out the months. I gave her back all the expensive items we purchased through out the relationship. I went as far as posting on her favorite online message board monthly about how she is such a unique and speacial person...i included pics of places we shared speacial moments at. She says she loves it, and looks forward to reading the next one. We talk like were still best friends. She tells me things thats she dosent even tell her family. Some things i wish she wouldnt tell me...too much info, lol. I told her if she needed anything just let me know. Now i understand i dont deserve a second chance. The amount of hurt and pain this causes is tragic. Her trust was shattered

 

We have been in contact through this whole ordeal. We talked, addressed many things. It kind of help to talk with each other. We both went through the intial 5 stages of grief together. Sat through a lot of angry and tearful conversations...i mostly listened. I wanted her to get all of the hurt out. If she needed me to take the tongue lashes, i had no problem with that. I loved her, and it took this painfull exprerience to wake up. I try to see things from her prespective regarding my actions. It took me awhile to get over the shame and guilt. But i am doing much better in that department.

 

My problem is this....i have no idea were to go from this point. Every time we talk, she gets upset if i mention whats going to happen when we both move on. She txt last night asking if i posted another message for her...

her> did you post today online?

me>nope

her>good, just checking

me>why?

her> im just sitting here listening to favorite song....sigh

i went to check the board...someone my same age and location posted "i see now we were never meant to be, i love you, but i want to move on. I hope you find the bestfriend and lover you deserve"

 

she has seen my progress, and says she is so happy that i am doing so well. im not sure whats going on with her though. The intial breakup "fog" has past i guess..its been 4 months. She looks at my myspace page regurlary. She freaked out when i told her 2 weeks ago, i needed time to get over this relationship and we shouldnt talk. But when i ask her if she will ever forgive me, she tells me "i trying , im will forgive you at some point...please stop forcing me to make this situation better". The last time we spoke, she mentioned her grandmother had asked her mom about me, if we reconciled..she said it made her smile...but her mother replied..HELL NO.

 

I just so confused on what to do at this point. She has hesitanly declined to meet and talk. She keeps tip toeing when i ask about working on a friendship. Its like she dosent want to let go....and she dosent want to completely move on. Any advice would be great. I dont expect reconciliation...and this point all the emotional ups and downs are me crazy. Some days i feel empty and hollow, some days i miss her like crazy.

I never had a breakup like this. I have no idead what to do, our should i just move on. We both admitted this was the first time we had a relationship were we both were friends and lovers....am i being to impatient after 4 months?

[2sure]

4 months is not long at all. So yes, I would ask that you have more patience. I don't know how long your realtionship was but if you cheated for 3.5 YEARS...4 months is no time at all.

 

You are doing everything you can and everything you should to fix this hole in yourself that allowed you to do this. This is GREAT - for you. But fixing that hole in yourself can never fill the hole you have made in her.

An affair, a betrayal can be forgiven but never goes away. Like any tragedy, it can and should be incorporated into the fabric of who we are and our lives.

 

On the other hand - at some point, and soon - she must decide if she WANTS to forgive you. If 4 months is too soon to expect forgiveness, it is not to soon for her to decide whether she wants to forgive you or not. Part of this decision starts with stopping the punishment. Stop beating the horse. If she cannot stop, you will be doing both of you a favor by stopping to accept the punishment.

 

It sounds like your gf , in spite of her hurt feelings, is really enjoying all of the attention and romance and support you have been giving her in an effort to "win her back". While these things are wonderful, and should be part of any relationship - your efforts are magnified because you feel so much guilt - why should she want them to decrease by accepting your apologies and change??

 

You have done what you can do. Maybe 3.5 years of betrayal is too much for her. But either way, she needs to move onto the next step.

[Benique]

I CANT LOSE MY SOUL!!!!

 

I am sorry again ,I am poking into someone`s thread .

i am really sorry .

have no powers to write mine own ... myself have problems like yours .. i do not know what to do ..mind and heart got twisted ,but my soul will kill me if i lose him,he is my soul .. what I do ? I will be grateful if you anyone kind spirit anyone tell me . I need to sleep ? and see in a dream ? but i cant sleep ... i want to ... no , not to die .. then I wont see him .. i want to live and to feel him ... i want to live .. my life is him ...

 

I am sorry again to poke ,

please,forgive .

[Dmoney28]

the relationship was 3.5 years long...i cheated th elast year of the relationship

[vnqsh2001]

the relationship was 3.5 years long...i cheated th elast year of the relationship

 

Hmm. Based on the mistakes I've made in my past relationships and subsequent breakups, I'd say you need to create some actual desire in her for you or this relationship is over. She is in the stage just before she moves on without you and it's going to take something special to win her back.

 

One thing you can do is stop appearing so needy. Let her think that you've already progressed beyond your need for her, but drop a little word of encouragement here and there. Granted, it's a difficult charade, but it can work. Women are like fish. You've got to keep just the right amount of tension on the line in order to reel them in. Too much or too little and the line will snap or the fish will slip off the hook.

 

She is hanging on to you for the sense of security your relationship provides. If this goes on for too long, she will eventually move on. If she suddenly starts fearing the loss of that security, she might start to panic; then she will be trying to get you back. At the same time that you appear like you've moved on, you've got to make it seem like there is this warm comforting place that she could be in if only she doesn't let you slip away.

 

It's kind of like a game. The stakes seem rather high, but it's still just a game. Most men play it wrong by expressing their need for the relationship. Women don't expect men to need relationships. They expect that they have to convince the man to have a relationship.

 

Look at it this way, men get their thrills by seducing women into bed. Women get their thrills by seducing men into marriage. If you act like you really want a solid commitment, where is the thrill for the woman? It's kind of like bedding an easy woman. You look down on the woman and don't really enjoy it as much as when you bed a "good girl."