SupportGroupie Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Good evening all. I have a tendency to be insecure and jealous when there is no reason to feel this way. When I break up with men I date, I have a very difficult time hearing about any other women, knowing they are on a date, and loosing that closeness. I am not a selfish or controlling person, I want the men I date to have a full life, friends, hobbies. I am highly social, have a lot of male friends and a busy life. What I want to work on is why I can't stand to watch these men move on, and why it hurts. Also if I am with a man and he is eyeballing other women or being talkative, I always assume he is wanting to screw someone else. I date quality men, and I dont date players. I am a loving, and giving person who believes in space and independence. I dont want a man by my side, i dont even like spending large amounts of time with boyfriends as I have such an independent streak and busy life. SO i cant seem to piece together the two parts of me. One is so loving and giving and kind, and the other is like this insecure, not trusting (all men cheat attitude) and this fear that men with "girls as friends" are wanting to always make it more and I dont trust it. This is irrational I know, as I am good friends with ex boyfriends and good friends with other men, and i dont sleep with them, kiss them , anything. They are just friends. I want to learn tools to relax, not obsess about what a man is doing with other people, and learn how to not be so damn insecure about men moving on. You would think I would be okay with it seeing as I often do the breakups, but i just am really in pain about my behavior and constant worry about the what ifs. I am confident in many ways, and just have real deep issues with this... any tips, help, advice? I am the type of person that has love in her heart for everyone and would never want to stand in the way of anyone elses happiness...nor tell them what they can and cant do. I am not that way. In my heart i would want to support anyone i could..included ex boyfriends moving on, etc..or supporting a nice friendship between my dates/etc and femaile friends of theirs. How do I work on this? I have read books etc just dont feel I am making progress and really want to work on this, head on. thanks Support Groupie Link to post Share on other sites
georgejungle Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 you gotta go talk to someone. a couselor or a therapist. you gotta talk that stuff out. all it sounds like to me is that you are just majorly insecure, hands down. I don't doubt that you are kind and caring, but you also have insecurities that allow you to feel threatened? in some way? because the man is no longer with you and some other girl gets him? like you're being shut out of the party? You just need to go talk to someone. If you've read books and they don't help, you gotta talk to someone. Not a friend, a professional counselor that would have an unbiased opinion and some suggestions on how to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 George I have been to counseling, etc. I just cant seem to stop the gut feeling I get. I know rationally, and later on how these thoughts and fears are sabotaging myself etc..and i have done a lot of self help work ...I just really wonder sometimes how much this part of me can change. I HAVE deep hopes that it will. I have managed to grow and change in almost every other area...but this. I know its deep seated/rooted and stems from childhood, but damn i hate it..and try to so hard to look at it, work on it, see the roots and causes, behave differently...but the gut instinct is the same thanks for your honest response...appreicate it i am in counseling....btw thanks sometimes i find it helpful to hear from everyday people .. SG Link to post Share on other sites
georgejungle Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 why do you stay in touch with Ex's, may i ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 G I always get asked this question, and always get beaten up about it..lol. I know you just simply asked. I have met and loved some great men. I have not fallen in love any of them really...except maybe one. I have love and respect for these men, and a few of my ex's have been able to be in my life post breakup. I work hard at being a deep a true friend to my friends, and feel blessed to have been able to have one or two good friends that are exs. For instance, my best male friend was an ex boyfriend. We only dated 3 months and stayed very very close, knowing it was meant for friendship. THE HUGE downside here, is obvious. Its very hard for me to watch them move on, because while staying so close to them, immediately, its hard to watch them with others. Even tho i know i was not "in love" i find it so hard to hear about other women and watch them out. Now of course, eventually i am totally cool with it, and i am friends with my best friends girlfriend. I realize if i did a clean split i would not have to suffer the feelings i do, but i just have made some deep close friendships with a few men,and we both as adults, have decided to stay close...right away. Eventually we stop hanging out ...at the same level, so they can move on. I recently split with my guy...of almost 3 years. He is the most amazing, loving man, and we both grew leaps and bounds emotionally and have a deep bond neither one wants to loose. So we both have stated how much we want to be close...dear friends. I know it seems unthinkable, and leads to a lot of pain down the road..but its just what i choose to do...as does this man. I am not the norm and i realize i risk being hurt badly this way...but i would be hurt dropping all contact too..so its delayed pain vs immediate pain i guess. Its not a control issue, but a matter of truly wanting to spend time and be close to these people. When new women come into their lives...i back off...big time. I always do. it just hurts its strange... this is why i suffer....my own decisions make this happen thanks for asking SG;) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 OP, how can you let them go, if you never let them go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Well I guess I do let them go...I mean my best male friend is just a friend, i let go of the relationship part a long time ago, as did he. So things grow and change over time. I eventually do let go of the romantic part, the sex, the etc...and we become bonded in a different way. My best make friend is very much a good friend and his girlfriend is well aware we are JUST pals. She and i have a lot of respect for one another and i am very aware of my place as a friend...nothing more. I leave them alone to live their lives...and if we go out usually its all of us, sometimes its just he and i, but she is always invited and welcome. Instead of seeing him once a week or twice, i may see him once a month, things change..and i let go. It just morhps into a friendship, and one of the most solid and honest ones i have thanks for responsing SG Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Hi SG, Maybe the fiercely independent woman that you describe in yourself is who you -want- to be in terms of relationships. But maybe, just maybe, you fall short of that in reality, and you beat yourself up mercilessly because you aren't fitting your own idea of your self model. I would bet that you are independent in most life arenas...on your own two feet career-wise and life in general. But you want to have that same sort of independence and self reliance in matters of the heart, and it's just not working out that way. Tip: stop holding yourself to such high expectations. And by the way, you are the exception rather than the rule in that you are maintaining friendships with your ex's. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd say the jealousy is a typical reaction. Most people who break up go their own ways, and would get jealous if they, say, saw an ex with a GF at a restaurant. It's normal! So, your keeping close ties to your ex's is going to mean you're going to be exposed to more scenarios where the lil green monster rears it's ugly head! If it works for you to stay friends with an ex...go for it. Just be aware of the emotions you can expect to face, and be kind to yourself when you face them. --LG. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 OP, the methodology you're using is a slow weaning process until you've finally mutated your perception of them. In the interim, you hurt yourself by having to watch all this happening. Also, I'm not certain you ever really let them go and they, you. For most, including myself, we stop contact so we have the opportunity to focus all our energies on self, to move on. Once this is accomplished, some can be friends, others not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 LG Wow, you really said some things that ring true. I do hold myself up to be this independent, I go and come as I please, I take care of me, I am not needy person. But you said several things that have, for the first time, made me think differently about this. I do so much work on self..and feel I know me, and this just hit home. Thanks so much. I have food for thought, the two sides of me are so incredibly different...and i have to be real... YUP after the new year i plan to take some space and time from the ex...and he needs that also. hugs and thank you so much SG Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170657/ I thought the above thread - in which I questioned some issues with staying "friends" with exes - might give you some of the same insight it did me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SupportGroupie Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 2sure wow great thread, and thanks. You know its the age old question. I have a lot of male friends, and I love them dearly. Do some want to sleep with me, perhaps, but i dont believe all of them do. I find it so frustrating that men and women believe they cant just be friends ....etc. You see for me, I always come into a dating relationship with male friends..so i dont have a problem and i dont date jealous men. Most of the men i date/dated dont have female friends. Which works well for me..lol.....most of the time. Now if they came into the relationship with a close female friend or two, that would be fine. BUT what baffles me is, what you hear most from men if u ask, is that they usually want something more ..than just friends if they are friends with a woman...they seek sex or a mate. NO friggin wonder that women with BF's are jelaous of their guys having female friends. Why should we believe that our MATE is the 2% of men who actually can keep his D*** in his pants and not want more from this other girl...? Men hate that we are jealous but then so many men JUST cant be friends with a female and wants to BE with them. So whats a girl to do?? Give a guy all the space he wants to have female friends knowing he will most likely want to boink them or will be interested in them in some way??? MAN men are confusing. They want us to trust them, but if u read posts and talk to men, most of the time they will have an interest in the girls that are supposed to be "just friends". What is a girl to do.??? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hugs and happy holidays SG Link to post Share on other sites
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