Is there hope????

[ResTechof3]

I have a problem that I could really use some help on the issue at hand. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have 3 kids. Here not to long ago my husband started to withdrawl and become distant towards me. My husband and I had a big fight a couple months back and I ended up taking my ring off and walking out the door. Granted I know I shouldn't have but it happened. I came back in a short time span I vaguely remember my husband saying that he was "done". In other words he was ready to quit the marriage.

 

I also know that he is going through a mid life crisis and he is having a hard time of it. He has mentioned to me and a few of his friends that mid life sucks. I finally had enough of not being talked to and being pushed away, so I confronted him and told him if he keeps pushing me away he was going to push me away for good. I flat out asked him if he wanted "out" of the marriage and he turned it on me saying that he knew it I was wanting a divorce and I sternly told him no I did not if that was the case I would not be talking to him about it I would have filed for divorce. I could not get him to open up to me so I did what I knew would work I got him angry enough and it all came out. He told me that he said he was done, he started to get teary eyed and said that I was the one who took my ring off and walked out the door. He then proceeded to say that we needed to just focus on the kids and his health problems at the moment. So I retaliated and said figures I am not a priority again. He got mad and his favorite saying is "whatever".

 

To try and make a long story short I flat out asked him if we were not going to even try working this out there was no point and divorce was in the near future. We were in the kitchen and we hugged and I told him I broke it I needed to fix it and his response was no "we" broke it and "we" need to fix it. I thought all was going to go back on track boy was I wrong. He has become more withdrawn and even less attentive than before. To be fair he had surgery on his leg, the doctor is ruling out cancer. He had a biopsy done of a lymp wont know anything for a little over two weeks. so I can see why he has become withdrawn in that area the not knowing is the hardest.

 

He has lost all desire for intamcy. He has stated to me that it is not me it is him and that what he is going through -pain and MLC- he just does not have any desire and is not in the mood. Let me tell you that is a self-esteem breaker right there. I went through the whole spill of I'm not attractive, he finds me repulsive ect. Now when it comes to showing affection he does not he stopped all the sudden after the fight we had. He does however kiss me when he goes somewhere and he will give me hugs when I initiate them and he does little things that he knows that I like. He however is not the same as before and I really miss that part.

 

I can say that he has lightened up on his tone of voice and he looks at me when he talks but he does not look at me the way he used to with the love and compassion in his eyes. He is on so many different pain meds that it is not funny. He has told me that he fears I will leave him because of all his health issues going on. I told him I took my vows seriously and I was in this with through out, he just needs to give me some affection to know he really cares. Here recently he would bring me dinner to work when I worked 2nds and before his surgery.

 

I really need some help on what may be happening here. He has told a friend that he is in the middle of his midlife crisis and is having a hard time of it. Anybody have a spouse who is or has gone through midlife...is it as bad as it has been for me and mine? What kind of time frame are we looking at? Do I go on with my life as if nothing is happening and "hope" for the best?

 

Please help.

[Wicked Smile]

I have a problem that I could really use some help on the issue at hand. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have 3 kids. Here not to long ago my husband started to withdrawl and become distant towards me. My husband and I had a big fight a couple months back and I ended up taking my ring off and walking out the door. Granted I know I shouldn't have but it happened. I came back in a short time span I vaguely remember my husband saying that he was "done". In other words he was ready to quit the marriage.

 

I also know that he is going through a mid life crisis and he is having a hard time of it. He has mentioned to me and a few of his friends that mid life sucks. I finally had enough of not being talked to and being pushed away, so I confronted him and told him if he keeps pushing me away he was going to push me away for good. I flat out asked him if he wanted "out" of the marriage and he turned it on me saying that he knew it I was wanting a divorce and I sternly told him no I did not if that was the case I would not be talking to him about it I would have filed for divorce. I could not get him to open up to me so I did what I knew would work I got him angry enough and it all came out. He told me that he said he was done, he started to get teary eyed and said that I was the one who took my ring off and walked out the door. He then proceeded to say that we needed to just focus on the kids and his health problems at the moment. So I retaliated and said figures I am not a priority again. He got mad and his favorite saying is "whatever".

 

To try and make a long story short I flat out asked him if we were not going to even try working this out there was no point and divorce was in the near future. We were in the kitchen and we hugged and I told him I broke it I needed to fix it and his response was no "we" broke it and "we" need to fix it. I thought all was going to go back on track boy was I wrong. He has become more withdrawn and even less attentive than before. To be fair he had surgery on his leg, the doctor is ruling out cancer. He had a biopsy done of a lymp wont know anything for a little over two weeks. so I can see why he has become withdrawn in that area the not knowing is the hardest.

 

He has lost all desire for intamcy. He has stated to me that it is not me it is him and that what he is going through -pain and MLC- he just does not have any desire and is not in the mood. Let me tell you that is a self-esteem breaker right there. I went through the whole spill of I'm not attractive, he finds me repulsive ect. Now when it comes to showing affection he does not he stopped all the sudden after the fight we had. He does however kiss me when he goes somewhere and he will give me hugs when I initiate them and he does little things that he knows that I like. He however is not the same as before and I really miss that part.

 

I can say that he has lightened up on his tone of voice and he looks at me when he talks but he does not look at me the way he used to with the love and compassion in his eyes. He is on so many different pain meds that it is not funny. He has told me that he fears I will leave him because of all his health issues going on. I told him I took my vows seriously and I was in this with through out, he just needs to give me some affection to know he really cares. Here recently he would bring me dinner to work when I worked 2nds and before his surgery.

 

I really need some help on what may be happening here. He has told a friend that he is in the middle of his midlife crisis and is having a hard time of it. Anybody have a spouse who is or has gone through midlife...is it as bad as it has been for me and mine? What kind of time frame are we looking at? Do I go on with my life as if nothing is happening and "hope" for the best?

 

Please help.

 

Well first let me say the good news. I didn't read at all any sign of extra marital activities. This is great, if I am correct. This means he is dealing with the issue and not just reacting to outside influence. He dealing with a life altering health condition because he doesn't have any diffinitive answers. This will really make him question his life and mortality.

 

Try and understand a MLC for a man is quite different than falling out of love. It's a wave of intense fog that clouds our minds and hinders our judgement. It's chalk full of doubts, insecurities and fear. And like any mammal on the planet that gets scared and feels backed into a corner, by his mortality reality check in this case, we will react.

 

He may need some answers concerning his health. This may set him on a better path to deal with his actions. I mean what are you going to do if you don't even know yourself what the problem is?

 

Best advice, show him you love him and you're in it til the end. Men can hear all sorts of things...but in the end we are visual creatures and thus "walking the walk" drives home the point for us..not just words. Keep telling him your needs though. I have a feeling that once this medical thing comes to fruitation things will be more clear. He is showing signs of his love...in very small doses, but honestly he sounds like he may need counseling. Is he depressed? Maybe he needs someone to talk to where he can say, with no filters, what he is feeling and not feel judged or foolish.

[Mr. Lucky]

Here not to long ago my husband started to withdrawl and become distant towards me.

Something obviously going on here - infidelity (EA or PA), depression, etc. A spouse does not suddenly detach himself from his wife and kids without the pressure of some outside event. You stated his medical issues - has he (or you) talked to his doctor about depression?

 

You mentioned his withdrawal from you. Who does he talk to? A friend? Co-worker? There may be a trail there, were it me I'd be tempted to follow it (cell phone records, etc.) to see where it leads. I'm not saying that's what is going on, but it would be nice to rule it out before you looked at other things. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ResTechof3]

Mr. Lucky

I thought the same thing so I took things into my own hands and bought a tape recorder. I left the tape recorder at home while I went to work. I found there was nothing on it. I also have access to get into his computer accounts (snoop and ye shall find what you need), trust me I check them out every once in a while and again nothing there to report. I even went as far as following him one day. He told me where he was going and he went to every place he said -nowhere else- so again nothing to report there either. This is all good.

However he did go to the town we moved from to return college books for cash. While he was there he called me and told me that he phoned a guy friend and they talked for a while-he is a best friend from school and BM at wedding. When he returned I found his phone laying out and I snooped again, this time I had found a few texts from a girl he used to work with. The texts were not bad just the typical hey how ya doing and stuff like that. There was a message that said hey do you still live at the same house cause if not than someone will get the note on the door. I don’t think anything happened - although I asked him if he contacted anyone from his work or mine he said NO. So there was a lie and I asked him 2 other times to let him redeem himself and he still did not cop to it. Still I don’t think anything happened.

Before this happened I told him that he needed to get friends and the only thing that I ask was that he keep me in the loop. The only thing I can think of is that seeing how I knew her already he didn’t see anything wrong with it. This is just my opinion.

Depression would be a total YES, he has said on occasion that he is depressed and that he is going through midlife. I did hear him tell a friend of his that he was in the middle of his midlife crisis and it sucked. I did talk to his doctor when he was hospitalized for the last major health crisis. The doctor told me that he would have to be the one to go and seek help. I can not do it for him. He will not go.

To clarify some thing he has not withdrawn from the kids, its just me. It was after I had mentioned that he was going through something that he withdrew from me. This was before Halloween that I made him admit there was something wrong with him. I have come to the conclusion that he is punishing me for this.

I don’t know who he talks to I know its not me. It may be his mom or a friend I don’t know.

However I did get him to open up to me one day and it was a good talk. I told him that I was here through the good and bad times. I also told him I did not see him any “less” of a man. He told me that it was to late, he already felt that way. This was all about the intimacy issue as well.

Today was a good day, I had my husband the way he used to be for most of the day. He has shown the tiniest bit of affection and has looked at me differently (like he used to). I will not hold my breath or count my chickens before they hatch.. I have had to much of a roller coaster ride to put my guard down now.

I know he loves me but is he still IN love with me. That is the question of the day. How to know I have flat out asked and he says he is both, but in the same breath he wished I would quit questioning his love for me. He said he found it offensive.

So here is the latest of what’s going on. Any and all responses welcome.

[ResTechof3]

This wave of intense fog does it make things a man says come out rude and crude? For example. I went out with “the girls” and I tried to get intimate with him before I went , needless to say NOTHING happened. His response was that I was going out so….(pretty much find someone). Then before I left to go out I kissed and hugged him and he jokingly said “ don’t do what **** would do”, I have told him I don’t want anyone else and I have invested to much time into us to just give it up.

When he talks to me on the phone he will either say LOVE YOU with conviction or say it in a mumble tone. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t mean it. Then there is the times I know he does. It’s like he Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Is this typical of MLC?

How to say this without it sounding bad….here lately I have noticed him looking at other men. I don’t mean longingly looks he glances at them from head to toe and then goes on. I noticed this a few weeks ago so I recruited a GF of mine. I told her what I was seeing and I needed a little help to see if I were just paranoid…she said he looked a guy up and down and then went on. Is this part of MLC? Is this the questioning of his life? Or is there something I need to be worried about?

I have talked to his doctor and told him my concerns but there is nothing I can do HE has to be the one who wants the help. He is in a state of depression that he seems to be coming out of slowly. Like today he has been a little more himself that he has in months. It’s like I had my husband the way that he was. Does MLC alter the way a person was to how they will be?

I show him I love him everyday, it gets hard when he doesn’t reciprocate. My needs do not seem to matter to him at this point. He has made it quite clear he has NO desire for sex. So I will let that slide for now…but only for now. Again can this have to do with the guy thing above or is he just sizing up other men like we women do?

[lillygirl]

So sorry you are going through this. I'm in a long-time marriage and trying to hold on, too. I don't have any advice for you (I'd use it myself!) but just know there are others struggling. My husband changed from a confident partner to an insecure dependent who needs me to run his life for him. I'm slowly deciding on a strategy to deal with it before the marriage is gone and input from this forum has helped. I hope you'll have the same good fortune. If I were to say anything it would be to stay grounded in who you are. I lost a bit of myself the last 22 years and am working to change that. Be strong. You and your children will need it to navigate the difficulties ahead. Best to you and good luck.

[stepka]

ResTechof3: Your story sent shivers up my spine, and I'm afraid what I have to say will not be comforting, but I need to tell you that I just went thru almost an identical scene with my husband (in the kitchen!) where I was begging him to tell me why he was acting so crazy and couldn't perform any more and was it the weight I had gained recently or was he just not in love anymore, and was most shocked to find out that what he really wants to do is date men! This is after 23 years of marriage, and I'm not naive. We are working really hard to work this out, but our sex life is in shambles as you can imagine, and we're trying to figure out if we can stay together while taking other lovers, but I'm not sure how it's going to work out, b/c I'm not a good candidate for celibacy and I'm almost 50.

 

My advice is to ask your husband point blank if he is gay, and if he is, he will be so relieved to finally have that off his chest, and he will open up to you if he is, but then you have a tough road in front of you. I honestly don't know what we are going to do about this, but I must say that i'm relieved that it's not another woman. That is something I don't think I could handle.

[stepka]

Oh yeah, and i thought it was a midlife crisis too. Or that he was so stressed at work that he couldn't handle anything anymore. Well it turned out to be a lot more than that.