Guys That Look But Never Approach - Do Most Women Hate This?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

There are two situations here, as I see it.

 

1. The guy checks you out, smiles, eyebrow lift, whatever. I am not interested so I do not reciprocate. I will put in my earbuds from my ipod, open a book, turn my back, whatever.

 

2. He does the same thing, but I am interested, so I return the flirtatious behavior. Smile, toss my hair, eyebrow lift, whatever. Then the guy does nothing. Yeah, that irritates me because I feel his behavior is a signal. Hey, you're cute. I'm interested. Then the guy does nothing? Umm....ok. Annoying.

[monkey00]

I was just at the book store and there was a super cute dude in the line ahead of me. He kept looking back, and for a while he just stared.

As he was leaving, he looked back again, I smiled at him. He didn't do anything about it though. It's too bad- I would have liked him to have said hello (assuming he was single, etc).

 

Yeah, it's a bit frustrating.

 

There are two situations here, as I see it.

 

1. The guy checks you out, smiles, eyebrow lift, whatever. I am not interested so I do not reciprocate. I will put in my earbuds from my ipod, open a book, turn my back, whatever.

 

2. He does the same thing, but I am interested, so I return the flirtatious behavior. Smile, toss my hair, eyebrow lift, whatever. Then the guy does nothing. Yeah, that irritates me because I feel his behavior is a signal. Hey, you're cute. I'm interested. Then the guy does nothing? Umm....ok. Annoying.

 

Well..usually women are pretty (flirt) friendly whether or not they're taken and most often do send mixed signals. I don't think a guy can take an entire blame for not approaching. Women should (I believe) make more of an effort then just send off mixed/signals.

 

As for your #1 Cherry Blossom, that isn't reliable either. Sometimes women are shy or nervous around a guy that they wind up doing that, so that isn't reliable either to read that the girl is uninterested.

 

Hence the saying, men are from Mars - women are from Venus.

[kashmir]

It's a lot harder to approach than women think.

 

Take D-Lish's example...I've been in that situation before where I'll see a cute girl in a line with me and I'm smiling at her and she looks back at me. Now, how the hell am I going to approach her without things being really awkward and creepy? When I'm done wait outside the store for her and then say something? And what do I say? I've tried this a number of times where I got positive non-verbal signals from the girl, but once I said hey to her she'd give me a "why are you talking to me look?" At social gatherings it's easier, but when I'm out in public at stores or coffee shops or something I get the vibe from almost all women that they don't want to be bothered by anyone.

 

I realize that in the beginning it's about numbers. You're pretty much blind, and you'll keep hitting on girls who think you're lame or creepy or just don't have interest. In some settings though (like mine - a college campus) saying something to a girl who turns out to not like you and not want to talk to you WILL hurt, actually. When you're out in a bar in a big city you're hitting on one in a million, so who cares what she thinks, but when you're in a more confined environment, there are negative consequences. Girls talk...they talk a lot. If a guy hits on them and they don't like it, they'll tell all their friends and identify that guy to them. In turn, her friends will think that guy is a creep without ever having talked to him. Get rejected enough times and chances are you'll run into a girl who already has bad thoughts about you. I know this happens. A girl friend once pointed a guy out and said how creepy he was because he sat by her at lunch and was making small talk with her. I'm guessing she told the same thing to a number of other people, so now they all have bad images of this guy.

[Perry]

Ugh.

 

The thread is about...

 

but I would like to hear the flip side of how does this make women feel.

 

[Isolde]

Oh--I didn't quite understand the OP's question the first time around.

 

A guy not approaching does make me feel rejected in certain settings--if there is an actual opportunity to talk, or if I sense the possibility of a connection (not just "oh, he's a cutie!").

 

If it's someone I see regularly, I just assume he's not interested or taken, because if he wasn't, wouldn't he take the chance to approach?

 

If it's just a stranger walking down the street, I don't really think about it.

[Phateless]

Well..usually women are pretty (flirt) friendly whether or not they're taken and most often do send mixed signals. I don't think a guy can take an entire blame for not approaching. Women should (I believe) make more of an effort then just send off mixed/signals.

 

As for your #1 Cherry Blossom, that isn't reliable either. Sometimes women are shy or nervous around a guy that they wind up doing that, so that isn't reliable either to read that the girl is uninterested.

 

Hence the saying, men are from Mars - women are from Venus.

 

It's a lot harder to approach than women think.

 

Take D-Lish's example...I've been in that situation before where I'll see a cute girl in a line with me and I'm smiling at her and she looks back at me. Now, how the hell am I going to approach her without things being really awkward and creepy? When I'm done wait outside the store for her and then say something? And what do I say? I've tried this a number of times where I got positive non-verbal signals from the girl, but once I said hey to her she'd give me a "why are you talking to me look?" At social gatherings it's easier, but when I'm out in public at stores or coffee shops or something I get the vibe from almost all women that they don't want to be bothered by anyone.

 

I realize that in the beginning it's about numbers. You're pretty much blind, and you'll keep hitting on girls who think you're lame or creepy or just don't have interest. In some settings though (like mine - a college campus) saying something to a girl who turns out to not like you and not want to talk to you WILL hurt, actually. When you're out in a bar in a big city you're hitting on one in a million, so who cares what she thinks, but when you're in a more confined environment, there are negative consequences. Girls talk...they talk a lot. If a guy hits on them and they don't like it, they'll tell all their friends and identify that guy to them. In turn, her friends will think that guy is a creep without ever having talked to him. Get rejected enough times and chances are you'll run into a girl who already has bad thoughts about you. I know this happens. A girl friend once pointed a guy out and said how creepy he was because he sat by her at lunch and was making small talk with her. I'm guessing she told the same thing to a number of other people, so now they all have bad images of this guy.

 

No guys, it is your fault. You are putting yourself through the emotions that prevent you from approaching successfully. How do I know. Because I used to be like you, scared to death of women and never getting anywhere.

 

Now, if I want to talk to a woman, I do. It's all about confidence and learning the social/emotional intelligence to make people feel comfortable.

 

Don't blame "the situation" because you are putting yourself through emotional turbulence. The sooner you stop blaming outside forces and take action yourself, the happier you will be in life.

[Kamille]

The only way I notice a guy is interested is if he approaches. Otherwise, I just assume he is smiling because he's having a good day. I don't notice guys "looking" unless I make a conscious effort to do so, as I'm usually wrapped up in my own thought process.

 

I once read in psychology today that women underestimate guys' interests levels where men overestimate women's interest levels. PT said it was to ensure an eventual chance of success for men.

 

Also, I know this is only mildly related, but I do not like to be approached with a comment on my appearance. (Once was told: "I like your pants, I like the way they fit you" at a pedestrian passage.) Always makes me feel more comfortable if the approach is engineered in a way that makes me feel like the approacher can think and talk about something other then sex.

[sumdude]

Always makes me feel more comfortable if the approach is engineered in a way that makes me feel like the approacher can think and talk about something other then sex.

 

Well they say women are better at multitasking while men tend to have one track minds.

 

This is probably why guys tend to short circuit around a beautiful woman.. we can't help but at least think about sex at some level and then to try and start up the whole verbal processor gets our wires crossed.

 

Funny, it reminds of the few times I've been the one seduced. I was thinking about something completely different and just doing my thing and I've had a couple women practically jump me.

 

Of course when I'm the one trying to approach sometimes I still get all tongue tied and such

[Isolde]

 

I once read in psychology today that women underestimate guys' interests levels where men overestimate women's interest levels. PT said it was to ensure an eventual chance of success for men.

 

 

This is extremely interesting.

[Kamille]

This is extremely interesting.

 

 

I found the article on-line

 

here it is: appriately called Mixed Signals http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20000701-000014.html

[Trialbyfire]

No guys, it is your fault. You are putting yourself through the emotions that prevent you from approaching successfully. How do I know. Because I used to be like you, scared to death of women and never getting anywhere.

 

Now, if I want to talk to a woman, I do. It's all about confidence and learning the social/emotional intelligence to make people feel comfortable.

 

Don't blame "the situation" because you are putting yourself through emotional turbulence. The sooner you stop blaming outside forces and take action yourself, the happier you will be in life.

This is the crux of it. If you're relaxed talking to someone, you help them relax.

 

As an extreme example, let's turn this around to a girl approaching a boy. Imagine if she were visibly sweating, nervous and twitchy. She approaches you and starts a conversation with your crotch.

 

Do you think you would have a comfort level talking to someone like this?

[sumdude]

I found the article on-line

 

here it is: appriately called Mixed Signals http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20000701-000014.html

 

 

"For ancestral men, it was more costly to miss a reproductive opportunity" than to face rejection, Haselton explains. But females who were abandoned after consenting to sex suffered far greater consequences: pregnancy, reduction in mate value and having to raise a child alone. "For women, it was more costly to be deceived by men, so selection favored skeptical women," he says, leading to their continued skepticism about men's willingness to commit.

 

Now wasn't I just saying that?