Here goes... I cheated.

[alabamatrombone]

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months - but friends for eight years. I love him.

 

We have always had a long distance relationship in the UK and saw each other for - magical - weeknds once or twice a month. He is my first real relationship. I used to have a lot of sex, but no boyfriends. It was a rule. He changed it all.

 

Then, he went to study French in Paris. I am planning to move there with him in the new year.

 

This is what happened: After he left, I started feeling pretty dreadful and destructive and, in crass and cliche fashion, got drunk and slept with a complete idiot. I don't remember the cab home. I sort of woke up and he was there. I made him stop half way through and literally passed out.

 

I kicked the guy out in the morning when i came to and have felt dreadful ever since. Every time I think of it I get an intense wave of nausea, which makes me think I need to tell my man about it.

 

A few weeks later I went to visit him in France. We had a wonderful week, and said I love you for the first time. I couldn't say anything about the one night stand. We were in a foreign country, only had a week, and what? Do i choose the start, the end... You know?

 

So, I said nothing. I don't think he needs to know. He knows 'what I used to be like' and this was me totally slipping back into that pattern of behaviour. Anyway. Problem is... I left my diary at his house. I don't think he'd read it, he's big on respect.

But I - evidently - am not, am I? I'm hoping he hasn't read it so I can keep this quiet. I'm so terrified of losing him. He flies back on Saturday, I'm meeting him at the airport. So far I've had no inkling from e-mails that he knows.

[AlektraClementine]

Had you guys discussed the matter of exclusivity? If not, then you can tell him and you've really done nothing wrong. The reason I ask is because you exchanged I Love Yous after the fact.

 

If you were both of the understanding that it was exclusive, you still have to tell him and humble yourself and be prepared to be left.

 

Also, regardless of condom use, you should be tested. I assume you and the current man friend were tested early in the relationship. It would be disrespectful for you to let him assume that he's still in the "clear", so to speak.

 

Final answer/advice.... tell him.

[Bryanp]

You are in a committed relationship with him and he has asked you to live with him in France. You sleep with another guy and have unprotected sex. You meet your man and have sex with him and you feel it is acceptable not to tell him the truth? You have got to be kidding. By not telling him you continue to disrespect and humiliate him and your relationship. You either have a relationship based on respect and honesty or disrespect and deceit. He deserves to know the truth and your refusal to be honest with him shows that you are totally selfish and deceitful in this relationship. How can you continue to show such distain and disrespect for your boyfriend? He deserves to know the truth so he can decide what he wishes to to pertaining to this relationship. It is not just all about you.

[Dexter Morgan]

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months - but friends for eight years. I love him.

 

If you cheated on him then no, you don't.

 

 

This is what happened: After he left, I started feeling pretty dreadful and destructive and, in crass and cliche fashion, got drunk and slept with a complete idiot.

 

that being the case, I'd hate to see what happens when you get drunk around someone who isn't an idiot.

 

and being drunk isn't an excuse. It helps people allow them to do things that they simply don't have the guts to do while sober, but want to.

 

 

I kicked the guy out in the morning when i came to and have felt dreadful ever since. Every time I think of it I get an intense wave of nausea, which makes me think I need to tell my man about it.

 

He needs to know what kind of person you are so you don't rob him of his right to decide his life. I suspect, and for your own selfish reasons, that you will not tell him.

 

 

 

So, I said nothing. I don't think he needs to know.

 

Of course you don't. You are the one that did the cheating. You had the guts to go out and party and put yourself in that situation, have the guts to come clean. He deserves someone that doesn't lie to him and cheat.

 

 

He knows 'what I used to be like' and this was me totally slipping back into that pattern of behaviour.

 

Used to be like? And this is "slipping"? Well since you did it with someone you claim is an "idiot", then there are plenty of non-idiots out there. God help him if you are in their company and drinking.

 

 

 

Anyway. Problem is... I left my diary at his house. I don't think he'd read it, he's big on respect.

But I - evidently - am not, am I?

 

Nope.

 

 

I'm hoping he hasn't read it so I can keep this quiet. I'm so terrified of losing him. He flies back on Saturday, I'm meeting him at the airport. So far I've had no inkling from e-mails that he knows.

 

so are you done with drinking and partying now? if not, then break up with him. he doesn't deserve a partier that will cheat, blame it on alcohol, and keep him in the dark only to do it again at a future date.

[Dexter Morgan]

Had you guys discussed the matter of exclusivity? If not, then you can tell him and you've really done nothing wrong.

 

I hope they had the "exclusivity" talk, because she is moving to live with him.

[jwi71]

So, I said nothing. I don't think he needs to know.

 

Yes he does. He deserves to know. Did you use protection? Do you even know if you used protection? If not, then not only did you betray your committed relationship - you may very well be endangering his life.

 

He has a right to know. And you have a responsibility to tell him.

 

He knows 'what I used to be like' and this was me totally slipping back into that pattern of behaviour.

 

A pattern of behavior not yet broken. And it will obviously affect his life with YOU. He may, provided he knows, stand by you and help you break that pattern. You just proved incapable of doing so on your own (not harsh, just reality - and patterns are hard to break alone). Point two on why you need to tell him. After all, didn't you tell yourself you would never do this again? And here we are...

 

Anyway. Problem is... I left my diary at his house. I don't think he'd read it, he's big on respect.

But I - evidently - am not, am I? I'm hoping he hasn't read it so I can keep this quiet. I'm so terrified of losing him. He flies back on Saturday, I'm meeting him at the airport. So far I've had no inkling from e-mails that he knows.

 

Then show him some respect and tell him. Because if you don't, then you have betrayed him twice. Once in bed with another man and then again by lying. And because he values respect, the lie, imo, will be far more damaging than the ONS. Yet another reason to tell him.

 

Yes - you may lose him. But you must tell him. If this is out in the open you can both deal with it. Otherwise it becomes a cancer.

 

Good luck ...

[atwitsend]

You wrote "He knows 'what I used to be like". Exactly how have you changed?

 

If you don't tell him and then get into therapy.. You will do it again. You have proven that you haven't changed. You will screw someone else and at some point he will find out and he will be utterly crushed. Close your eyes and imagine his face when he finds out.

 

Oh. And about the diary if he doesn't read it you will let out a big sigh of relief because you were not caught. And you will turn around and cheat on him again. If he does read it. and forgives you. You will turn around and cheat on him again because he is a chump and deserves what he gets. You see if you don't tell him you will have proven to yourself that you are still the same.

 

Confess, Get into therapy or let him find someone who will love him like he deserves.

[lkjh]

If you can not be honest then break up with him and never speak to him again. If you are capable of cheating and lying; and you feel he does not have the right to know then you are not girlfriend material. Do this guy a favor and break up with him before he spends his life with someone who thinks so low of him.