I've sacrificed for five years, going to bars with partner...what now?

[K]

we go out to the bar every other weekend and lately this seems to be too much. we use to go out every weekend both nights, then finally just down to saturday nights, and now down to every other weekend.

 

my boyfriend seems so relaxed and at ease at the bar, standing up there singing his karaoke and having a few beers. it seems to be his natural habitat because that is only when he can really de-stress.

 

my problem is that when we first met (5 years) that he was afraid i would take away his "freedom" to go to the bar and have his night out.

 

now that it went from fri, sat every weekend to just sat every weekend and now sat. every other weekend, he is starting to feel the crunch.

 

i feel bad that i am taking away his freedom but at the same time i've put up with going to the bar every weekend for five years now, so how could he claim that i am taking away his freedom?

 

last night we went out and the first place had strobe lights so we left, the 2nd place was so crowded and small and smokey that i was getting mad and just not having any fun at all. these are the same places we go to on sat. and i normally like them and we normally have fun but last night just sucked all the way around.

 

i got home and was mad for having to put myself through this every other weekend. i am ready for bed by 11:00, i smelled like smoke in my hair, clothes and down to my bra!

 

my ears were ringing and now i am tired and have bags under my eyes. he is still peacefully sleeping away while i am sitting here still angry.

 

angry at myself for putting up with this every other weekend. i am not a bar person. his friends all live far away and are all married so he don't go out alone plus i would not allow that anyway.

 

so i feel in such a predicament here. i love him dearly but i'm tired of feeling that i am depriving him of his life and freedom.

 

at the same time, i'm tired of all this and i don't think i want to go through this again all winter long which is coming upon us now.

 

any suggestions on how to handle this? i know it is tough, almost like i would have to leave him or just keep biting the bullet, neither choice is what i want to do though.

[Tony T]

Your post poses more questions than seeks answers. No, I don't know what you can do other than tell him the two of you are in a loving partnership a component of which should not be regular trips to the bar.

 

I wonder why you have put up with a relationship for so long, one that seems to be so centered on alchohol. Are there other things the two of you do together? What else do you share? Hobbie? Conversation? Spiritual pursuits? If the two of you haven't got anything more going than visits to bars, it's a sad and sick commentary on what will be a very sad and lonely relationship for you in coming years.

[clia]

so he don't go out alone plus i would not allow that anyway.

 

Why not? If you don't want to go, why are you stopping him from going? I see nothing wrong with going to the bar to have a few beers and sing karaoke once a week. If you don't like the bars, fine. But he does. Accept this or reject it about him. If you don't like it, LEAVE.

 

i feel bad that i am taking away his freedom but at the same time i've put up with going to the bar every weekend for five years now, so how could he claim that i am taking away his freedom?

 

Because you are currently limiting what he would like to do with his free time. I don't care what you've done for the past five years. Perhaps the two of you are simply not compatible. You've heard this over and over again.

 

Zingy, how long are you going to put up with this?

[sumdude]

So let me get this straight, just twice a month your man likes to go out for a few beers (doesn't sound like it's alcohol centric to me, just a couple Saturday nights). He won't go without you at all? Have you said to him, go on I'm just not into it? It sounds to me like there must be other things bothering you besides a couple hours in a bar. Did you ever enjoy going out with him? Have you changed and he has not? Do you talk to him about this or just get mad inside?

[Amyandjs]

Does he know that's how you feel. You will be surprised how men can change their behavior when they realize that you are hurt. But you need to let him know your concerns.

 

Lots of men love to please their partner and sometimes, we don't say what we need. How are they to know?

 

Amy

[RogueK]

All i can say is that i can relate to some point.

 

My now ex was only interested in going out drinking in the bars every weekend. It was what seemed to drive her as her only form of release/relaxation. I don't like to drink too much and hate the bar life all together. Not only that, but she would also end up drinking WAY to much before the night was over. I cannot tell you how many times i've had to carry her out of a bar. I don't smoke, i don't drink heavily and HATE the way people act when they are all messed up. I myself hate the "out of control" feeling i get after having too much. I think the whole fun time at the bars is something i just grew out of.

 

Eventually my relationship ended and i had to look back and realize the many, many reasons why we weren't working out. I love her to death and always will, but i believe now that even though we were together for 5 1/2 years we weren't going to make it another 5 because of things EXACTLY like the bar scene.

 

Sometimes i think two people begin a relationship at a specific point in their lives and either continue on that path together or start heading in opposite directions. The question is, if this is happening and you love the person then how do you fix it for yourself. I had to learn the hard way that in the end it is about your life and your happiness - as soon as your life is becoming too stress filled or complicated then changes need to be addressed. In a healthy relationship a subtle change should NOT be out of the question for your mate.

 

I for one would LOVE a woman who isn't into going out and being crazy every weekend. Hell, i'd rather stay at home and watch movies then put up with the noise, drunks, smoke, etc like you've described all the time.

 

 

 

A little update on my now ex...she's with another man and to say she goes out every weekend is an understatement. She's TRASHED constantly. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have a seven year old child at home. Her priorities are so far out of whack i'm glad it's over. I found sometimes it's better not to go down with the ship. Alcohol is nice in moderation. If alcohol is a tool for escape or relaxing in your mind then there are things you need to ask about yourself. That's just the way i feel about it.