Confused and Hurt

[Cheryl]

There is this guy named Jean in my class. We became very close. We spent a wonderful night together. He knew that I had a man but that didn't stop us. We had a passion that was like something literally out of the romance novels. I broke up with my man later on to be on my own. That is when Jean told me that he wanted us to be friends.

 

I tried my best to be friends with him over the enusuing months but we have a big problem. I don't know if it is the sex or what but we cannot seem to get past it. We have had numerous discussions and a couple of arguments over who can't get past the sex. He has told me point blank that he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with me. I can accept that. But here is the problem.

 

He blows hot and cold. One or two days will go by where he is just as sweet as can be and there are others where he is just plain rude. When he is with his friends he is happy go lucky, Mr. I Am Fun. When I approach him to greet him, he lets off this big sigh and goes on about how tired he is. Once I leave the room, he starts up again. It hurts alot.

 

Then there are the walks. We go to school in New York and it is on Varick Street. We walk from there to 34th Street. This is a good 50 blocks, I'd say, give or take a few. It also takes an average of 1 1/2-2 hours to walk. I figure that he wants to spend time with me. There have been times where, if I did not talk, there would be no communication between us. There have been days when he talks a great deal. He also acts jealous sometimes. Take for instance, there was a man who was interested in me. He made it known publicly that he wanted me. He would treat me very nice and give me special treats. Jean saw what was happened and all of a sudden he was being very nice. He would hug me and kiss me. Once the guy left our school, Jean stopped. Then when we walk down the street together, he gives people these looks. The men, I mean. Once he was on the other side of the pavement. I mean, you could have drove a Mack truck between us. That is how far he was. Anyway, a man saw me pass and called out to me, trying to get my attention. I ignored him, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jean turn back with this nasty look on his face. I think you get the picture. I don't get that.

 

I understand that he doesn't want me, after the repeated statements he has made. I had accepted a marriage proposal that was later taken back by the offerer. Jean knows about that. We talk on the phone for hours and get along just fine. I am going crazy. Now I know that I am no prize, as I have a tendency to get into trouble. But I really do not understand this behavior. Could someone help me?

[Tony T]

Basically, Jean is not interested in you romantically but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. This could be for many reasons.

 

He may simply be fearful of a close relationship. This could be the reason for the approach/avoidance syndrome. He becomes jealous of other men because he may value the friendship and other men are a direct threat to it.

 

I am not clear on whether or not you now have a sexual relationship with him but I hope not. If you do, he is simply using you for that purpose.

 

I find it difficult to reason why you would want to have a friendship with a guy who causes your head so much discord. Human behavior is often difficult to understand but it is very clear in this case that you will never have a stable relationship with this man.

 

I hope your involvement in this very weird situation is not keeping you from finding a nice, romantic relationship with a healthy, rational and far more stable man.

 

I also want to tell you situations like this are not uncommon. There are many people who enjoy the chase but have no interest whatsoever in the catch. I don't feel you will every have a decent relationship with him and, if you keep him around, he will keep you from finding a relationship with someone else who would be lots better...as a friend...and as a lover.

[anonymous]

It sounds like what you need to do is be clear about what you want. Did you turn down the marriage to be with Jean? Does a part of you feel good when Jean is jealous?

 

Be careful as men are just as suceptible as women when it comes to jealousy and rage. Men wont cry, they will take the pain out in violence.

 

It sounds like in a certain kind of way you want Jean to love you and you dont know how to go about getting there.

 

The best way is to communicate it straightfoward and get rid of the games. They can be fun, but can lead to disastrous moments of really hurtful situations.

There is this guy named Jean in my class. We became very close. We spent a wonderful night together. He knew that I had a man but that didn't stop us. We had a passion that was like something literally out of the romance novels. I broke up with my man later on to be on my own. That is when Jean told me that he wanted us to be friends.

 

I tried my best to be friends with him over the enusuing months but we have a big problem. I don't know if it is the sex or what but we cannot seem to get past it. We have had numerous discussions and a couple of arguments over who can't get past the sex. He has told me point blank that he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with me. I can accept that. But here is the problem. He blows hot and cold. One or two days will go by where he is just as sweet as can be and there are others where he is just plain rude. When he is with his friends he is happy go lucky, Mr. I Am Fun. When I approach him to greet him, he lets off this big sigh and goes on about how tired he is. Once I leave the room, he starts up again. It hurts alot. Then there are the walks. We go to school in New York and it is on Varick Street. We walk from there to 34th Street. This is a good 50 blocks, I'd say, give or take a few. It also takes an average of 1 1/2-2 hours to walk. I figure that he wants to spend time with me. There have been times where, if I did not talk, there would be no communication between us. There have been days when he talks a great deal. He also acts jealous sometimes. Take for instance, there was a man who was interested in me. He made it known publicly that he wanted me. He would treat me very nice and give me special treats. Jean saw what was happened and all of a sudden he was being very nice. He would hug me and kiss me. Once the guy left our school, Jean stopped. Then when we walk down the street together, he gives people these looks. The men, I mean. Once he was on the other side of the pavement. I mean, you could have drove a Mack truck between us. That is how far he was. Anyway, a man saw me pass and called out to me, trying to get my attention. I ignored him, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jean turn back with this nasty look on his face. I think you get the picture. I don't get that. I understand that he doesn't want me, after the repeated statements he has made. I had accepted a marriage proposal that was later taken back by the offerer. Jean knows about that. We talk on the phone for hours and get along just fine. I am going crazy. Now I know that I am no prize, as I have a tendency to get into trouble. But I really do not understand this behavior. Could someone help me?

[anonymous]

This is a good response.

Basically, Jean is not interested in you romantically but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. This could be for many reasons.

 

He may simply be fearful of a close relationship. This could be the reason for the approach/avoidance syndrome. He becomes jealous of other men because he may value the friendship and other men are a direct threat to it. I am not clear on whether or not you now have a sexual relationship with him but I hope not. If you do, he is simply using you for that purpose. I find it difficult to reason why you would want to have a friendship with a guy who causes your head so much discord. Human behavior is often difficult to understand but it is very clear in this case that you will never have a stable relationship with this man. I hope your involvement in this very weird situation is not keeping you from finding a nice, romantic relationship with a healthy, rational and far more stable man. I also want to tell you situations like this are not uncommon. There are many people who enjoy the chase but have no interest whatsoever in the catch. I don't feel you will every have a decent relationship with him and, if you keep him around, he will keep you from finding a relationship with someone else who would be lots better...as a friend...and as a lover.

[Cheryl]

It sounds like what you need to do is be clear about what you want. Did you turn down the marriage to be with Jean? Does a part of you feel good when Jean is jealous? Be careful as men are just as suceptible as women when it comes to jealousy and rage. Men wont cry, they will take the pain out in violence.

 

It sounds like in a certain kind of way you want Jean to love you and you dont know how to go about getting there. The best way is to communicate it straightfoward and get rid of the games. They can be fun, but can lead to disastrous moments of really hurtful situations.

No, I did not turn down the marriage to be with Jean. The fact that I said yes was a clear sign that I understood that Jean did not want to be with me. The man that proposed marriage to me really did not want me. He did it as an elaborate joke to get back at me. The man was my ex-boyfriend. It was something he and his present lady cooked up as revenge.

 

To answer the second question, yes and no, but mostly no. It sounds ridiculous but hear me out. It shows that he lied to me. He said that he didn't care if someone noticed me. He would just accept that I wanted to conversate and walk off. I don't play games like that. I am entirely too old to going around acting like a chickenhead. That is very disrespectful. I should have stated myself clearly. I am in love with him. The reason I say mostly no is because it is silly. What is the point of making a man, who has told me repeatedly he doesn't want me, jealous? I know you could say to get him to notice me, but that is sad. All that would do is make him hate me for trying to pit him against other men.

 

Those are the kinds of games that hurt everybody in the end. I have tried to extend the olive branch but it ends up getting broken. As much as it hurts, I am thinking of just walking away. I don't want to be dramatic or anything but it probably is just time to go. I know that I will cry but hey, my heart will heal, right? Yes, there is a sad smile on my face. He is one of two people in this life that I actually lost my heart to. It ran away on a dreary February Saturday when a man rejected me for the umpteenth time. Sad, isn't it?

 

Because of this relationship I have decided to just remain alone. I really don't know if I can deal with being put through this nonsense again. Thank you all for your input.

 

You have told me what I couldn't put into words myself, in a way. (: