Answer to why your ex wants to keep you as a friend

[Surfer Dude]

I talked to a good female friend of mine today about the whole breakup thing and being friends afterwards. Since there is zero attraction between us, it's possible for us to talk about these things honestly and openly.

 

She told me that her ex had blocked her and deleted her on facebook and MSN, and how she was hurt by that. Note that she was the dumper, she left for another guy, and her ex was the one who was deeply hurt.

 

Anyway, this is how the convo went:

HER: I just can't believe he blocked me and deleted me!!!

ME: But that's fair isn't it? You left him for another man, he has every right to be upset and not want contact with you anymore.

HER: I just loved all the begging and pleading, and I loved his attention when things would go sour with my bf. I will miss that.

ME: What you're saying is extremely selfish, do you realize that?

HER: I know it's wrong. I actually feel bad for him now.

 

Please don't condemn my friend, she deserves to be applauded for being this honest and open about it, not to mention she actually feels sorry for her actions. This is how 90% of dumpers who want to be friends post-breakup think. None of them have the guts to admit it though, especially not to their friends who might've held them in high regard prior to that.

 

Isn't this how it works usually? Finally someone had the guts to admit it.

[Phateless]

Wow... I would say that everyone on this board needs to read that and take it to heart.

[2sure]

And to a certain extent its true for nearly everyone. I was one who thought I was friends with several exes. I enjoyed seeing them now & then, keeping in touch. After I married they disappeared. Anyway, looking back - I realized that I liked the attention even though I was no longer interested in dating them.

[CaliGuy]

Haha, at least she's honest. She is telling you what a LOT of women are thinking when they want to keep an ex around as a friend. I've posted it here 100 times at least, but here's why an ex wants to be your friend.

 

1. It relieves them of any guilt so they no longer have to feel bad about breaking up with you.

2. They get some needs met by you (that friendship provides) while they meet very little of your needs (emotional, physical, etc).

3. They like the feeling of knowing they can have you any time they want you. The problem is this doesn't EVER make them want you. And even if they do, you're "Plan Z." They keep you around to fill whatever hole they have in their life until the next person comes around. Then you get kicked to the curb while they happily run off with their new love interest.

 

Does any of this sound appealing to any of you? It sure doesn't to me. Until I realized this is why my ex wanted me as her friend, I was happy to just be in her life. Of course, I wasn't happy and I wasn't moving on with my life. She wasn't coming back either.

 

My point here is that there is NOTHING your ex can offer you as a friend that you can not get from your REAL friends. All being friends with your ex will do is keep you from healing. If that is what you want, to be fed bread crumbs of their attention, to be second or third place in their life -- then by all means -- be friends with your ex.

[audrey_1]

Wow. Awesome post. Ah, so they're attention whores, eh? Makes sense. Those of us who try to be agreeable and friendly are being eaten for lunch, huh? Well good to know! Maybe this is why I'm not friends with any of my exes, all of whom I broke up with (except the most recent). I'm not an attention whore, and I'm glad I cut them loose to find the attention they deserved that I couldn't provide.

 

Good for them! And good for me for not being a succubus.

[sedgwick]

Oh my god, she "loved all the begging and pleading?" I can't even imagine ever saying something like that. That poor guy!!

 

I deleted my ex and all his friends from myspace within the hour after he dumped me. I'd like to think maybe he noticed and was a little bit hurt, but who knows. He left me to find someone better (nobody specific, just felt he needed to be with someone who had the exact same career as his -- he's a musician, I'm a dancer and writer), so I doubt he even noticed. He was probably already off looking for her and had forgotten I ever existed.

[EmperorR]

Caliguy speaks the truth, when I was my ex friend after she dumped me the only time she contacted me was when her new boy toy wasn't online or unavailable or when she needed Something, Screw that I say.

[FF84]

And if they dump you, then basically they're saying "I don't like spending time with you anymore and there is something about your personality which I no longer enjoy".

 

You're basically being told they don't like you anymore so why waste your time with people who don't want you? That's not to say you can't be civil to each other, but more people need to see through the "friends" thing because in 99% of cases it's bs.

[CaliGuy]

And if they dump you, then basically they're saying "I don't like spending time with you anymore and there is something about your personality which I no longer enjoy".

 

Not necessarily. They can be saying "I've found someone I am more interested in physically". They may still like hanging out with you, the just don't want to hop in the sack with you anymore.

 

You're basically being told they don't like you anymore so why waste your time with people who don't want you? That's not to say you can't be civil to each other, but more people need to see through the "friends" thing because in 99% of cases it's bs.

 

It's always BS. They always have a personal agenda for being friends with you. It's never to YOUR benefit that drives the friendship. It's to THEIRS. It's a win/lose situation. They win, you lose. They get a need met by you while yours go unmet.

 

I have ex's who still want my friendship yet I've denied them every time. They don't want to be my friend because the relationship would be mutually beneficial. They want to be my friend because I meet a need of theirs that isn't being met by their current love interest.

 

Not my problem anymore. For their to be a friendship, both people have to want to be friends and if one doesn't, well then, there is no friendship.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy speaks the truth, when I was my ex friend after she dumped me the only time she contacted me was when her new boy toy wasn't online or unavailable or when she needed Something, Screw that I say.

 

Yep. She had a personal need that she wanted filled by you when her new guy wasn't available. That's the only time they really want to hang out with you.

 

Not to YOUR benefit, but theirs.

[orangehose]

Just stated my opinion about this in another thread.

 

While I agree that dumpers often get a smug satisfaction from keeping dumpees around as 'friends', I really think there are some exceptions to the rule. I'm friends with an ex - we've both totally moved on romantically since the breakup and he's madly in love with someone else.

 

I find it nice to periodically chat with or exchange emails with him. It makes me feel that even though the romantic relationship failed, it wasn't a complete waste of time, because I made a decent friend. And there's no way either of us would want to get back with the other, even though we're both currently single.

 

So yeah, I think this issue of being friends with an ex is less black-and-white than many on LS make it seem.

 

That said, you HAVE to look out for number one, and if the friendship doesn't satisfy you, or if you're not over your ex, then yeah, DON'T be friends. Do what's best for you.

[kizik]

Why would one want to be friends with someone who hurt them?

 

You've seen their true colors. There's no coming back from that.

 

I knew my ex for 12 years - I'm only 24, so do that math - and this was the third time we dated. THIS time lasted for 3 years. And, then she totally neglected me and was rude selfish weird avoidant whatthef*ckever. KILLED me.

 

If you think I'm EVER going to be friends with that person again, you must be f*cking insane. I don't care how much time passes, I will never forget how much she hurt me.

 

Being friends with exes, unless it's been a few years after or some sh*t, is for suckers. But I can understand the dumpee's desire to stay in contact SOMEHOW. Unfortunately, it is pathetic.

[EmperorR]

Why would one want to be friends with someone who hurt them?

 

You've seen their true colors. There's no coming back from that.

 

I knew my ex for 12 years - I'm only 24, so do that math - and this was the third time we dated. THIS time lasted for 3 years. And, then she totally neglected me and was rude selfish weird avoidant whatthef*ckever. KILLED me.

 

If you think I'm EVER going to be friends with that person again, you must be f*cking insane. I don't care how much time passes, I will never forget how much she hurt me.

 

Being friends with exes, unless it's been a few years after or some sh*t, is for suckers. But I can understand the dumpee's desire to stay in contact SOMEHOW. Unfortunately, it is pathetic.

 

Yep I agree, hell it was even harder for me because I had no one else, like a idiot I gave up all my friends, it was just me and my ex for 3 years doing everything together then when she cheated and dumped me and said lets be friends, I couldn't imagine my life without this person who I spoke to every day for 3 years.

 

Then after being disrespected like a dog, I slapped myself went through it alone,. Friends are there throuh the good and rough times, was my ex nope.

[Surfer Dude]

I have forgiven my ex for what she did. Now I see her actions just as events that took place in the past, she did what she did because she believed it's the best course of action for her life.

 

But would I be her friend? No... Not because I hate her or anything, but because that simply wouldn't work out nicely, that new friendship would be haunted by ghosts of the past. There's nothing that could possibly benefit two people from having such friendship, instead of finding their peace and true self, they would only be experiencing more grief and pain.

 

I don't need any more pain in my life, neither does she.

 

However, if it works for someone... go ahead, make it work

Do what you think is best for you.

[Ingenue]

Just stated my opinion about this in another thread.

 

While I agree that dumpers often get a smug satisfaction from keeping dumpees around as 'friends', I really think there are some exceptions to the rule. I'm friends with an ex - we've both totally moved on romantically since the breakup and he's madly in love with someone else.

 

I find it nice to periodically chat with or exchange emails with him. It makes me feel that even though the romantic relationship failed, it wasn't a complete waste of time, because I made a decent friend. And there's no way either of us would want to get back with the other, even though we're both currently single.

 

So yeah, I think this issue of being friends with an ex is less black-and-white than many on LS make it seem.

 

That said, you HAVE to look out for number one, and if the friendship doesn't satisfy you, or if you're not over your ex, then yeah, DON'T be friends. Do what's best for you.

 

I have to agree with Orangehose here. Love and relationships are complicated and sometimes are not always black and white. Even though my ex and I are no longer together after being together for 5 years, I'd like to think that the friendship and camaraderie we developed throughout the course of the relationship was not a waste. He might not be the man that I will end up with, but I know that he will always be in my life in some capacity as a friend or a best friend. I've forgiven him and moved on.

 

I often think whether I would take such a hard stance with my existing friends. If they treated me poorly, would I throw them out of my life and never look back. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said yes. There are some things that aren't forgiveable. But as I grow older (and perhaps not wiser), I've softened my stance. Making a connection with people, whether friendship or relationship is a rare thing. People are human and they make mistakes. We've all made mistakes, and most of us have also learned from them. I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt that each experience can be a teaching exercise into what not to do for the future. Granted there are some things that might not be forgiveable, but if we cannot forgive our friends for the things that are, what type of friends are we? Human beings have the capacity to forgive. We have the capacity to choose what to forgive and we have the capacity to realise that one day, we may be the exes that others don't like.

 

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe I'm getting soft, but when I think about my ex, I don't hate him anymore. I'm not angry at him anymore. I can think about the relationship we had and laugh at the many memorable moments we shared.

 

The most important thing to consider in establishing a friendship with the ex is whether the relationship benefits you. You should only do it if you desire it. If you don't. If you cannot handle it emotionally, don't even bother.

[Surfer Dude]

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe I'm getting soft, but when I think about my ex, I don't hate him anymore. I'm not angry at him anymore. I can think about the relationship we had and laugh at the many memorable moments we shared.

 

The most important thing to consider in establishing a friendship with the ex is whether the relationship benefits you. You should only do it if you desire it. If you don't. If you cannot handle it emotionally, don't even bother.

 

That's great you've started to forgive! Forgiving is just another word for letting go and accepting past events as they are.

 

And remember, relationship is never a waste. How could something that fulfilled your life with happiness and love ever be a waste? Just because it ended? Don't be so outcome oriented, try to be more experience minded. Every relationship is a transforming experience and we can grow so much from every one of them, regardless of whether we were hurt or not.

 

People, regret nothing and hold grudges against no one! You don't have to be friends with your ex, it's very likely it would end in a disaster, but don't keep yourself a prisoner of your regrets, remorse and grief. Only now is real, past is long gone and it can never be changed.

[orangehose]

 

And remember, relationship is never a waste.

 

I mostly agree, but there are better activities (and better people) with whom one could have spent that time. Every person or activity that takes up time comes with an opportunity cost.

 

I don't regret what relationship experiences I've had so far, but I'm definitely going to be more hesitant to get into a serious relationship and sacrifice all the other parts of my life in the process.

[inulg]

I mostly agree, but there are better activities (and better people) with whom one could have spent that time. Every person or activity that takes up time comes with an opportunity cost.

 

I don't regret what relationship experiences I've had so far, but I'm definitely going to be more hesitant to get into a serious relationship and sacrifice all the other parts of my life in the process.

 

i agree. i (unconsciously) sacrificed my life for him... so that when he left... i felt as if i was left with nothing. it just happens, you think you can dedicate your life to someone... you don't realize it until its too late, that you should NEVER make anyone your world, your joy. because they'll only leave you. man i wish i could have realized that along time ago. because of course we all learn stuff, but yes, i think 90% of us that were involved in one relationship for a few years (in my case 7 years) we could have spent that time doing other things.

[Crazy.S]

I never understood the friends thing after a non-mutual break up. I find it so ****ed up that the dumper is still being selfish. They want everything you offer without the commitment. Do they not understand how disrespectful they are, when they ask you to downgrade to friends only?

[Freedom Now]

I have remained friends with virtually all of my ex's.

 

Just because the love relationship didn't work, doesn't mean that there wasn't compatibility on the friendship level.

 

It's like throwing the baby out with the bath water.

 

BOTH have to be ok with it though. And it works for me. These guys are great friends that I speak with and see occasionally. And I am fine with it, as are they.

[Surfer Dude]

I have remained friends with virtually all of my ex's.

 

Just because the love relationship didn't work, doesn't mean that there wasn't compatibility on the friendship level.

 

It's like throwing the baby out with the bath water.

 

BOTH have to be ok with it though. And it works for me. These guys are great friends that I speak with and see occasionally. And I am fine with it, as are they.

 

Cool. But you have to understand that majority of people here have been cheated on and dumped by their long term partners/fiances or divorced by their spouse.

 

What you are talking about is mutual amicable breakup where people agree to be friends.

 

Imagine being lied to, cheated on and dumped by your loved one, would you ever be able to be their friend? This is scenario nearly all of us have experienced here, otherwise we wouldn't be here.

[Freedom Now]

Yes, true. I was lied to by a MM who lied about his marital status, and I am not his friend.

 

It is disrespectful to his wife, to be sure, and I have no respect for him for lying to both of us.

 

So, yes, mutual respect has to come into play for a friendship to ensue after a broken relationship. And an amicable breakup, or true remorse (when the breakup was not amicable), when wrongdoing was done to the other partner.

 

Point taken.

 

And I concur with what you said.