SadMe Posted September 14, 2003 Share Posted September 14, 2003 Help me please. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years is planning a trip to Russia without me for two weeks. He told me he was going to Moscow for 2 to 3 days and that he would sleep in a hotel and that he would show me the receipts. But I know he's secretely booked 3 days where he will be living in a Russian girl"s place, 22 years old, he's 31. It's an excange thing where people can come live at your place and you can go to theirs. Anyways, he's told me when I asked him that if he did that he would only stay at an older couple's place or at a guy's place. He said he would never go to a girl's place because he knows I would flip. But he's lying. I've seen e-mails he sent the girl. He says I should trust him on his trip, and he would never cheat on me. But he's lying already where he will staying at. I had some trust issues with him before that, and now this. Should I leave him, tell him I know about his plans? He tells me he<s not even sure he will go to Moscow but he writes her he will be there on dec 5-6-7. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 14, 2003 Share Posted September 14, 2003 i'm not normally a fan of this sort of response - but dump his sorry a$$. it would have been fine if he was truthful to you - men do meet other women in the course of travelling, but he lied. if you put up with this, perhaps you will eventually have the pleasure of this russian girl visiting you. think of the money he is spending to be with her - he is *invested*. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyJ Posted September 14, 2003 Share Posted September 14, 2003 I hate to say this but I think he is being totally dishonest with you.. The whole thing sounds fishy to me. Are you really supposed to believe that there is nothing going on between them? I don't buy it and I don't think you should either. No matter how you look at it the whole situaion just does not seem very appropriate at all. Link to post Share on other sites
SadMe Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 Should I tell him I know about this. That I know he will be staying at another girl's place, should I confront him? Or should I not bother? I know he just met her through the traveler's accomodation network. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyJ Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 Well... if this was me in this postition I would not be able to control myself from conftonting him. I mean if he is not going until December that is a long time to go without confronting him. Also if you decide to end this relationship he needs to know that the reason you chose to do so was because of his dishonesty and your lack of ability to trust him because of it. I don't think it is something that you and avoid addressing either way. It seems like even though he is telling you lies about his plans he is not trying very hard to hide the evidence. Why would he send her e-mails from an account he knows you can see? Maybe he wants you to find out? If he is planning on being unfaithful and he has been in the past I think he always will be and you will never be able to trust him. For your own well being you should get out of a relationship like that. You will never be happy with someone you can't trust. Link to post Share on other sites
SadME Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 He doesn't know I can see his account. That's why I don't know how to tell him that I know. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyJ Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 I still don't think this is somethig you can just ignore and pretend is not happening... You can't have a healthy relationship with someone you can't trust. You have to address his dishonesty with him at some point whether you tell him you saw the e-mails or not. If it were me I would tell him I saw them and say "if you don't like it tuff"... he is the one plotting behind your back. But that is just me. You need to handle it the way you feel is best. After all you know him not me. But you can't just ignore it. If he is planning a trip to Russia to see some woman he has never met then chances are he is also looking to meet people locally... Link to post Share on other sites
Bozo Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 Other option of course is, why not tag along? If he doesn't really have any hidden agenda, he wouldn't mind! Link to post Share on other sites
SadMe Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 Thanks LadyJ. It's just that I feel like such a snoop. I have never done this before this boyfriend. I'm in my thirties. But I saw once he had posted his profile on a dating web site, and since then, almost a year ago, I have difficulty trusting him. I also found out he looks at underage porn. I don't know if I should confront him in person or on the phone. I can't stop crying. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyJ Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 Look, I don't to seem harsh but... UNDERAGE PORN??? You mean as in children?? Why would you even want to be with someone that would even consider looking at something like that? So let's see ... he cheats on your or at least attempts it, is currently planning a trip to cheat on you, and he looks at underage porn??? How many more reasons do you need to dump this guy... Life is too short you deserve better. You need to stop feeling like there is something wrong with you because he is the one with the problem. Seriously, would you want to have kids with this guy knowing what you know? If you stay with him it will only mean more misery for you. You will feel better about your life and yourself if you get rid of him... Like I said I don't mean to be harsh but based on what you have said I think you are much better off without him. Link to post Share on other sites
SadMe Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 He downloaded files of 13, 14 y olds and also 11 and 12 y olds. He says he didn't see the file names when he downloaded them. I know I have to leave him, he always brings me misery. I'm dying inside. I keep postponing. How should I start the talking. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyJ Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 Just be honest... basically tell him what you have told us... The relationship is making you extremely unhappy because of the lack of honesty and trust and that you feel like the only way you will be happy is if you break up.. Of course it will not be easy at first it never is but you are young and trust me he is not the end of the road for you. There are plenty of fish in the sea but right now you need to make you your number one priority. Stop worrying about what his reaction will be. If this is something you know if your heart that you need to do then why put it off? Especially if you are independant and the two of you are not married and have no children together then what is tieing you to him anymore? It does not seem like love to me but fear. Trust me I am also struggling with questioning my current relationship too and whether or not I am really with him for the right reasons and it is very hard to follow your own advice.. So I know that it is all easier said than done but in the end you have to do what you can to make yourself happy. You need to find a way to empower yourself. As far as the porn.. I don't know if I would believe him or not I mean with his history of sneakiness and everything... It just seems very creepy to me that he would even "accidentally" downlaod something of that nature. Where is he even getting things of that kind?? Seriously, it may be a matter for the police.. Hate to say it.. Link to post Share on other sites
lovedogs Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 personally, i don't think you even owe him the liberty of a reason. i think you should just leave and let him do the wondering. if he wants to know, he'll ask. my guess is that if he's truly the slimeball he appears to be, he won't even think twice about it when you do leave. just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
nikee Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 i agree with lovedogs. the slim doesn't deserve a reason. tell him it's over, see ya bye and go on get. just make sure you have your strength about you when you do. my personal theory is you only say it's over once, when you mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
SadMe Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 If he is lying to me know, that means he probably has lied to me before. I feel so betrayed and hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
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