My fiance drinks, neglects me, and doesn't care...

[LadyJ]

Here's my situation....

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Our relationship has had many ups and downs. We have both been fatihful and I trust him where that is concerned. That is a posative in our relationship. Recently we had one of the worst fights that we have ever had. We both acted badly and admitted it so we made up. When we were making up I asked him when we were going to get married. Something we have talked about doing plenty of times before but never seriously. After three years of being together I am really feeling the need to piss or get off the pot so to speak. I have a five year old from a previous marriage. I am almost 29 and want to have at least one more child so that my daughter can know the joy of having a sibling as I have. My boyfriend is the same age as me with no biological children or previous marriages. When I asked him when we were going to get married he said "whenever you want." he has never said that before and I believe he ment it. Here is my dilema....

 

I love this man. But I don't feel that I or my daughter are priorities to him. He never spends anytime with us as a family or individually. He never takes me anywhere or even shows an interest in doing anything together. The only things we ever do are things he wants to do. For example.... he says " I am going to watch the fight. Do you want to come?" Although I appreciate that he is willing to include me it is not exactly my idea of a good time.... He is also a HUGE football fan and during football season I basically become a "football widow" Once again he makes efforts to include me which I appreciate but it is not really something I enjoy. I have gone with him to games and really tried to be supportive and enthusiastic. Having a "If you can't beat'em join'em attitude. I am sick of it. Weekend after weekend goes by and he always does what he wants to do with no regard for what I might like to do. When I express and interest in something I would like to do together he has a million excuses as to why we can't. I get him to the movies maybe twice a year. Romance is non-existant in our relationship.

 

I am beggining to resent this very much and question how much he really values me and our relationship. I have tried to talk to him about this but it seems like he just gets worse and almost enjoys that it it upsetting and hurtful to me. I am tired of supporting what his interests are while he ignores my needs again and again. Another big problem is that he drinks and drives all the time. I hate it. I am tired of being the one sitting at home worrying when he does not come home on time thinking that he got pulled over or even worse in an accident.

 

I have had many many conversations with him about it but he never makes an effort to stop. He does not think it is a big deal. He has made promises to try to stop but that is just not good enough and he just does not keep them. He is never willing to talk to me about anything regarding our relationship. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall and when he does say something it is a the kind of smart remark that a 12 year old kid would make to a scolding parent. I also feel he resents me because I have not worked in two years. It is just more practical for our family that I don't work but yet he still acts like he resents me for it even though he claims he doesn't. I feel that he justifies his behavior by telling himself he deserves to do what he does because he supports us and that should be enough for us. It's not. There is more to being a husband and father than paying the bills. He does not think he should have to do anything else.

 

No matter how much or how little I do around that house he treats me the same. I am a very good homemaker. My home is always spotless and I don't cook from a can if you know what I mean. I am a wonderful mother and try to be a good friend to him too.

 

I am tired of being the only one that cares in this relationship and I find myself growing cold and not caring anymore. I am not getting any younger and I do want to remarry someday. My first marriage was very short and a long time ago. I want to have more kids as well. At least one. We have decided to get married in March. But now I am questioning whether or not I can live with these things forever. Especially when it seems he has no interest in trying to work on them at all. The worst part is that I know him well enough to know that if I told him change it or lose me he would say "So long." Even thought he has been my daughers only father since she was three. I have to consider he in all this too even though it does not seem that he does. Like I said he is a good provider but that is just not enough. Lately his drinking is getting worse.. He has been getting beligerant at times. He is moody and snappish and when I ask him what is wrong he claims that there is nothing. If I leave him I don't have anywhere to go. I will have to start all over again in the dating world as well because ultimately I do want to remarry someday.

 

I am feeling very confused and lost about what to do. I am afraid of marrying him and being unhappy ending up with another failed marriage but I am afraid to leave because I love him and so does my daughter and we also have nowhere to go. I never went to college so I would have to go back to school and get on my feet again and after having to do that with the failure of my first marraige I just don't know if I have it in me to do it again.

 

He does not understand because he has never been married before. I feel myself falling back into a depression. I just don't feel excited about the prospect of getting married and as though I have nothing to look forward to but watch him drink and watch football the rest of my life. We never talk either and I am very lonely. If anyone can give me any advice at all I would be very grateful because I am desperate for some feedback. I am at my wits end with all of this and I need to keep it together for my daughers sake. Nothing I say ever seems to get through to him and it just seems hopeless.

 

I really feel like we need to move forward together and as individuals... My life needs to move forward and so does his but I just don't know anymore if I want it to be together. I am really feeling pressure to make a decision about this. Help!

[moimeme]

Why do you want to marry him? Other than having another child, I mean? Why do you love him? What are his good points, if any? Do they outweigh the bad?

[LadyJ]

Lately I have been asking myself the same questions... Like I said I don't really have anywhere else to go and I just don't want to be with him for the wrong reasons.

 

There is obviously good about him or we would not have made it this far. We have not lived together the whole three years and I never would have moved in with him if he were completely horrible. I feel I can trust him completely when it comes to other women so that is a good thing because not everyone can say that. He can also be very loving. He is able to admit when he has been wrong and say "I'm sorry" but it is getting to the point where his apologies are becoming meaningless because I don't feel they are as sincere as they once were.

 

He has been a good provider for me and my daughter. He has been very good to her and he continues to be. I feel that he does love her.

 

Yet he puts all of us and what we have in jeopordy everytime he drinks and drives. Altough when he does it he is always alone. I think he has a drinking problem even though he really only drinks on the weekends. He can't do anything social without alcohol involved and comes from a family where virtually everyone is an alcoholic.

 

He is an intelligent man and I admire him for being a very responsible person in all areas of his life other than the drinking. He is a good man with a good heart. He does have a lot of love to give.

 

My dad jokes and says that I have him wrapped around my finger but really that is not true... he messes up, I cry and then he will take me out because he wants to shut me up and he feels guilty. Not because he loves me and WANTS to spend time with me because he enjoys it. I don't want to have to force someone to hang out with me. He ends up resenting me for being the source of his guilt when in reality I feel he is just selfish and knows it and it is not my fault he feels guilty about it.

 

I guess right now I am having a hard time finding posative things about him...

[clia]

LadyJ,

 

You know you cannot marry this man. You know this is accept or reject, and you know you cannot live like this forever.

 

I suggest you start exploring options that will enable you to move out. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with until you can get back on your feet? If not, get a job immediately and start saving some money. Or take some classes that will help you get back into the job market. Not being able to support yourself and your daughter is not a valid excuse to stay in a relationship where you are going to be miserable. This is not the man who you want to be a role model for your daughter as she gets older. He does not treat you well and he has a drinking problem. Do you want your daughter to know that you married this man because you were so dependent on him to support the two of you? Of course not.

 

You absolutely need to sit down and figure out a game plan to get out of this relationship. You do not need to tell him immediately—wait until you have figured out how to go about doing it. I don’t know where you live, but you should at least be able to afford a studio apartment. Welfare may also be an option for you for the short term. You may not like this option, but as I see it, it is your only option unless you want to be miserable. You know he is not changing. It may be difficult and scary, but you can do it. Many women all over the world have dealt with this kind of thing and gotten back on their feet. Your daughter will respect you for making this decision when she is older, even if she doesn’t understand it now.

 

Good luck.

[moimeme]

Reread your own post:

 

I just don't feel excited about the prospect of getting married and as though I have nothing to look forward to but watch him drink and watch football the rest of my life

 

If anything is a clear 'no' to your question, this is it.

[Rebecca4257]

I agree. You should not marry this man. Believe me. I was in the same kind of relationship with a football watching, drinking man for 9 years. It will not work. Find a way out as soon as possible.

[LadyJ]

In all honesty I am not liking the replies I am getting here but that is because the truth hurts.... And what everyone is saying is true. I am not naive. I have been married before and know that people don't change. Everytime I talk to my ex-husband I am thankful to God that I made the decision to leave him because he is just the same as he was five years ago.

 

 

But this is very hard for me because we have been together for three years. I guess it is not so much the prospect of starting over that is stopping me from leaving but the fact that I have invested so much of my time, energy, and love into our relationship. And then there is my daughter. We have been together since she was two.. He has been the main male role model in her life and her only real father figure since then. He has been in our life for as long as she can remember and as far as she is concerned he is her dad. When it comes to her he has never exhibited any inappropriate behavior in front of her as far as the drinking or the drinking and driving. But I think that if he was thinking of what was best for her and our family he would not do it at all. I just don't know if I am ready to walk away but I feel I have exhausted every resource to try to get through to him and I fail again and again. In his defense he has been completely great with her and never anything but a good example when around her. She has never seen him drunk. I am the one that has to deal with it.

 

He has actually improved since we have been together. He used to drink a lot more. And do worse. I was not aware that he was using drugs but when we were very first dating I found out and told him it was drugs or me. He chose me. I know for a fact he has not touched anything. He was not a heavy drug user or anything I think at that time he was dabbling in it but it is not something I have ever been around or would ever tolerate being around my daughter so I was fully prepared to end the relationship over it. I think I was actually the first person that ever cared enough about him to tell him he needed to do better for himself and I had in in tears. In the three years that we have been together I have kept a very watchful eye and paid close attention for any signs of drug use and there has never been any indication of it. He even dumped all the people that he hung out with that could be a bad influence. I think that is probably the only time that I ever got through to him and that he took things seriously.

 

Now with the drinking I find myself feeling the same way. I am not the type of person that drinks on a regular basis. For me it is an occasional thing I do only if I go out. Not something I feel a need to do to enjoy my weekend. Drinking and driving is something I would never do and being with someone that does it on a regular basis and tolerating it is in a way as bad as doing it yourself. I feel partly to blame. I know that this is something I can not live with anymore. I could handle him having a few beers on the weekends as long as he does not drive, but he seems not to know when enough is enough and I don't understand why he feels the need to drink so much. His interest in football definately brings out the worst in him which I also don't uderstand. I am very bad about not following my own advice and that is part of the reason that I am posting here. I guess I need to hear from others what I already know myself. I am more concerned with my daughter and how it will effect her than I am about me. I was OK before him and I will be Ok after him but she is only five and already confused about why she has two dads and why one of them just called her after not calling for over two months. I feel like I have failed her and that is what hurts the most. He will never understand the huge weight it is to be responsible for nuturing another human being through life. Everything I do effects her... Sorry for the long winded posts..

[clia]

I don't think anyone on this board is going to encourage you to stay with this man based on what you've told us about him and how you feel about him.

 

In his defense he has been completely great with her and never anything but a good example when around her. She has never seen him drunk. I am the one that has to deal with it.

 

How is this possible if she lives in the same house as him? She may be too young to connect the dots right now. I was eight when I realized my dad had a drinking problem. So, you probably have a few years before she starts to notice things. Kids aren't stupid. You don't have to say he's drunk for her to start noticing the slurred speech, the mood swings, the inconsistency.

 

I am more concerned with my daughter and how it will effect her than I am about me.

 

You staying with this guy will affect her more in the long run than you leaving him right now and explaining to her that things did not work out. It is NOT FUN to grow up in a house where your "father" (or whatever she calls him) has a drinking problem and treats your mother like garbage. Growing up like that affects you forever.

[LadyJ]

I am not saying that she has never seen him drink but when she has seen him drink it was literally a couple of beers when having family for a bar b que. I know it is hard to believe but she truly has never seen him drunk. One of the reasons for this has been that she is gone on the weekends a lot visiting her biological father and like I said the weekends are the only time he really drinks. This morning he got up are 6 am to go to the grocery store and get her some apples to take to her Kindergarten class. I told him on Friday that the teacher sent home a note saying that the students needed to bring apples on Monday and I could not believe he even remembered. I did not even know that was what he left to go do. It's things like this that he does that make me love him. He works his butt off too working two jobs for the last few months. I know it sounds as though he is all bad but he truthfully isn't.... I think it comes down to is two people who need and want different things and live by different standards.

 

No matter what happens between us I will always have great love for him. That does not change the fact that I don't want to live his lifstyle and as of now that is what I am forced to do. This is why I am seriously considering walking away. I can stay with my father for a while. It won't be easy since he has a small condo and my brother and his girlfriend live there so my daughter and I will have to sleep in the living room but I know that it won't be that way forever. I can get a job. Anyway... like I said I know what you are saying is true.. but that does not make it any easier. Sometimes even though you love someone being with them may not be what is best for you and more importantly not what is best for you child and this is what I need to be thinking about. Getting up the nerve to actually leave is the hard part.