On / Off bf wants stable but not serious relationship...wot does that mean?

[ayesha]

Hey guys.

Have a little dilemma so bare with me..

My bf has been my friend since college for over ten years. Were both turning 27 in feb. We started dating 4 years ago, but on / off since then. First time we dated I saw it as casual and broke his heart, thought he didnt want serious so I moved on. The next time we dated we both wanted serious and we were both on board with that til we came to a mutual decision to break things off as it got too serious (i.e miscarriage and we both couldnt handle it)

Earlier this year we started dating again and I got scared 6 months in, so we didnt see eachother for a while, and he complained that I disappear on him.

We were just friends after that.

3 months ago he moved to a different city 3 hours away from me. We stayed in contact, got close and romantic feelings are still there. Two days ago he tells me he wants a stable relationship but not long distance. I didnt get a chance to tell him what I wanted til today. So today in our phone call, I told him I was ready for stable serious relationship,and that I won't disappear again. He says he never wants do long distance (he tells me his ex of 4 years lived with him and then she moved away and long distance didnt work out, so never wants to do it again)

During the conversation hes telling me he wants someone to take care of him, to do normal bf/gf stuff with but not serious. Another thing he wants is that for me to be independant to get my own place and not live with family and to be close to him.

Now I dont know what to do. He wants stable bf/gf, but not serious, and for me to be in same city as him. What is he wanting? Getting really confused between stable / serious..Any ideas of what he means?

Is it enough to relocate my entire life? I really don't want to do a repeat of what i've done before by moving on with my life.

 

Thanks guys

[norajane]

I don't think it's time for you two to do anything at this point. Are you really interested in packing up and moving to where he is? If you don't, then it's long distance and he doesn't want that.

 

I don't know what he means by stable but not serious. I guess he wants a gf - presumably monogamous - but his intentions are not about love and considering a future together.

 

He said he wants a gf to take care of him??? So, all the hard work and compromise with no upside, like actually falling in love and developing an emotional intimacy.

 

But enough about what HE wants. What do YOU want? You said:

 

I told him I was ready for stable serious relationship,

That's not what he's offering. So, you'll get hurt this time. After you move your whole world to his city.

 

I don't think he's offering you much to consider at this point. Maybe it's timing, or maybe it's his feelings, but I don't think the two of you want the same things.

[Shnuggles]

Sounds like a casual relationship to me. We all have those sexual needs and you seem to fill that spot for him. He does care for you but you both have a history together. Be that good or bad its up to you.

 

If this was me I would move on. I have a rule: 2nd chance's in a relationship are fine but thats it. Learn from what you went through and use that in your next relationship. My 2 cents.

 

As for long distance relationships... My last girlfriend lived 1 hour drive from me and that was ok for a while but we eventually called it off. Now, 30min drive is my max distance I am willing to travel.

 

If you go for him again then I wish you both the best.