falling for a recently separated friend

[jaybird365]

About ten or so years a go, a female friend and I met and worked together. We worked closely and connected on a very emotional level. At the time she was just getting married and I had been married for some time. We appeared to care quite a bit about each as friends and being in committed relationships anything beyond a friendship wouldn't be in the works. Back in the day, I did start to have feelings for her and felt at the time that the best I could do in the friendship was to simply love and care for her as a friend.

 

Fast forward, ten years later we met at a company reunion and have traded emails a few times and recently she told me that she had separated. I myself have been separated for five years. I haven't seen her in some five years or so prior to the reunion until I had coffee with her a few months ago. I sense she is having a very tough time with the separation that she had initiated. She was not happy in her marriage and missed the "sparkle". I think she may be unsure about her decision, kids are involved, and it is difficult to give advice as I have not been part of her life for sometime and don't know the circumstances. Like anyone that has gone through marriage failure it can be difficult to open up.

 

Here is were it gets interesting for me.

 

I still care about her very much and feel I still do love her as a friend. I hate what she is going through and would very much want to be there as a friend, but I also realize that I still have romantic feelings for her, so I want to be cautious.

 

I can't quite decide if I want to simply commit to be a loving and close friend that will be there to support her, or take the path to develop a romantic relationship with her. The more I think of her, the more I think I am falling in love with her ... again.

 

Give that she is only recently separated, I feel I must not interfere with the process she is going through and must put her feelings ahead of any selfish desires I may have. After all she and her husband could reconcile.

 

I think she suspects how I feel about her, but we have never talked about the subject. I want to be upfront with her about my feelings but don't know how to communicate this and don't want to lose her as a friend either.

 

What should I do ?

JB

[Ronni_W]

, I feel I must not interfere with the process she is going through and must put her feelings ahead of any selfish desires I may have. After all she and her husband could reconcile.

Is that you putting her feelings ahead of your desires, or is that you putting your own fears (that she could reconcile) ahead of your own desires and feelings?

 

My current b/f and I started the same way -- had known each other for 20 years, I was very recently separated, he'd been separated for 10. Had not had romantic feelings for each other prior, though.

 

Yes, he had to put up with a LOT of the crap that was the inevitable result of my "process". Yes, I had doubts about my decision to separate, especially in the first 12 months. Yes, it was likely that I would have reconciled with my now-ex, if I'd seen a way for that to have been a good choice for me.

 

Yes, you will be risking your heart, is what I'm saying. You will definitely be doing that.

All I can tell you is that my b/f somehow found the courage (or was naive enough, may be more accurate) to risk his heart on me. Been a couple for 10 years now, and things are only getting better

[jaybird365]

I think it's a case of putting her feelings above my own mainly. I can accept and fully support her choice to reconcile if that occurs and can still love her dearly as a friend. I often focus on what needs to happen to make her happy.

 

However, nothing tried nothing gained. Your relationship is an clear example and may very well be the time to openly talk to her about my feelings. She may feel the same way, but I really can tell at this point and would hate to make things more complex than they already are.

 

Clearly I have unresolved feelings which I am slowly coming around to convincing myself that at the very least I should let her know. This is perhaps where the fear enters into the picture. I'm sure as time goes by, no matter what the future may hold, she will eventually sense how I feel. Maybe at this point I'm just struggling to find the right way and words to communicate how I truly feel.

[Ronni_W]

Well, my b/f never talked about it...he just let things follow there own natural course.

That worked really well with/for me. Given that I was already feeling overwhelmed with feelings, fears and doubts about my own dying marriage, possibly having to deal with his feelings may have been the final straw, so to speak.

 

I don't know but, if he had decided to express his feelings, possibly I would have perceived him as being just something else in my life that was depleting and exhausting me -- it didn't feel as if I had room for him but since he didn't ask for room, that allowed me not to have to think or worry about it. If that makes sense?

 

If you can't prevent yourself from talking about it with her, maybe try it from an angle like you wish your current feelings for her would have come some months later cos you realize she may not have the strength to deal with you now.

I wouldn't try for how you "truly" feel (sounds a tad too heavy than what she may be able to handle)...suggest instead to maybe communicate how you "generally" feel (put it out there but keep it lighter so you're giving her a better chance of not feeling over-burdened.)

 

Thing is, if you put it out there and it ends up making her feel like she needs to distance herself from you...well, you woulda gone and screwed yourself, basically.

Your good intentions and ability to just go back to being her good friend notwithstanding, she still may just not have the strength or ability to accept your friendship and be your friend, at that point.

[jaybird365]

Ronni, I really appreciate your perspective and great advice on this. I think your b/f did the right thing and clearly this has worked to your mutual benefit. It makes sense plain and simple to let things be and see what happens. I sense emotionally she is exactly where you were and the added stress of my feelings would only serve to make an already tough situation even harder.

 

I'll follow this advice and simply not engage in any discussion around my feelings or how I feel at this time. My approach will simply to be there should she need and be supportive, after all at the end of the day I truly do care and I care enough to give her all the space she needs to sort things out one way or the other. My sense is it is better to be a friend at this time and focus on that.

 

THX JB

[Ronni_W]

I should add that my b/f also acted like my b/f -- he wasn't all namby-pamby and whipped and letting me act like an over-emotional freak, walk all over him, either .

 

When he had issues with stuff that related to us, he was assertive, expressed his views, and we worked to resolve those things, too. (Just cos I was going through my crap didn't mitigate my responsibility to 'us' as a couple. Not sure, though, if you guys are there yet.)

 

If you can, I would suggest to use other sounding boards (friends and LS) to work through your insecurities as they relate to her other crap. But do you own bit and stand up for yourself about the two of you.

 

It can be done. And you can do it! Best of luck and have a great Holiday Season.