Told him I don't like the ring...am I wrong?

[trixie_treat]

My bf of 4 yrs and the father of my youngest son purposed in the most perfect way, at the perfect place...the only thing is...the ring is not what I would have picked out for myself.

 

It’s a pretty ring, but not what I would have wanted.

 

This proposal is totally out of the blue...to be honest we have been a little rockie...so I was really caught off guard. We've never gone ring "looking" and when ever I have brought it up, about the things I like...he seems to be only half listening.

 

I have 50+ rings tagged on the ebay we share...that look nothing like the ring he got for me.

 

And this isn’t the first time he has tried to buy my rings (not engagement rings) that later on I've had to tell him I didn't like it, or have to take it back myself...(birthdays and Christmas)

 

this devastates me and I'm sure him too...I've been waiting for this, it seems like forever...and I don't know if this is just not listening, but it does make me feel like what I say isn't important. I also wonder if he really does know me...

 

So back to our engagement day...he gave me the ring and then no more than 2 min after, told me it was not returnable...I tried to hide my disappointment...but he really can see right through it...we spent the day shopping and lunching and all that is fun and great...but ALL DAY LONG he was asking me if I was happy, if I liked my ring ALL DAY..finally after all day of being hit with the same question all day...I just told him..."its a very beautiful ring, but I really don't like baguettes" (by the way half of the totally weight of the ring is baguettes) which is exactly what I have told him on the very rare occasions that he isn’t trying to avoid the "ring" conversation, was the ONLY thing I never wanted on a ring

 

So we drive home from our great day...and he tells me how he fretted over the ring, and he really thought about it, and how upset he was that I didn’t like it. I told him I didn’t care how much the ring cost, I said yes to him, not a ring, he didn’t even need a ring, just ask me.

 

Since Monday (E day) he has spoke to me twice, and one of those times was to tell me I was materialistic. and take the ring away!(its now Thursday)

 

Soooo...am I materialistic...his mom says I shouldn’t have told him...I should have waited a year and them told him.

 

I don’t know how to make him feel better, I cant take back what I said, and I cant take back his hurt.

 

My questions are these...

 

1: should I have told him?

 

2: Am I being spoiled by not liking the ring?

 

3: How do I make him feel better?

 

Help!

[Walk]

My questions are these...

1: should I have told him?

2: Am I being spoiled by not liking the ring?

3: How do I make him feel better?

 

How would you feel if you just purchased your bf a thousand dollar gift and professed that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, only to have him make a face of disgust. Then tell you that the gift was ugly and he didn't want it. How would you feel?

 

I think your actions were spoiled and materialistic. I don't think you actually are spoiled, or materialistic, but I do think you got hung up on having the "perfect" ring and you forgot to consider that material things aren't what's important. If he's a good man, treats you well, shows you he loves you, and makes your life better, then why are you putting so much emphasis on a shiny toy?

 

I think you lost sight of what's really important. Don't buy into the hype that the ring someone "proves" how much he loves you. It doesn't. It's all the other actions he does. The time he spends with you, the things he does for you, the times he's been there for you... those are what you should be looking at.

 

Anyway... I think you need to apologize. Don't lie and say you love the ring suddenly. He won't buy into it. Tell him you were foolish, that you lost sight of what was really important in life. Dig deep into what you really want, and then tell him. But keep in the back of your head the idea that this engagment was for him too. Its not just you being showered with gifts. That was his day too. He was celebrating with you a desire to spend your lives together. The word "together" being key here.

[Ronni_W]

He knew your ring preferences and for some weird reason chose to ignore it.

He knew you are particular about your rings and for some weird reason chose to go ahead and pick out your engagement ring without your input...AND he gets a non-returnable one!

 

To me, no, you did not act inappropriately -- what more were you supposed to do to prevent this exact situation that HE brought upon the both of you?

 

HE initiated this unpleasant situation by ignoring (disrespecting) what you had already told him about your preferences. It isn't just about making HIM feel better, it is also about you feeling good about wearing a ring that you're hopefully gonna be buried in, so to speak. It is also for HIM to make you feel better.

 

I would suggest that you (both) sell this ring and start again...go ring shopping together. Or get it re-set, if that's possible. Change the situation so that you are happy with everything, too.

[kakui215]

You've got 2 opposite opinions posted! But I'm leaning more towards Walk on this one. So, he didn't listen carefully when you mentioned your ring preferences. Is that the worse thing you can say about him? Does he listen to you when you speak of your hopes and dreams for the future? Does he pay attention when you explain your notions of right and wrong? The action is only important if it's part of a pattern that affects more fundamental issues. If so, you need to discuss those issues with him openly and honestly before you get married. If not, you were selfish and greedy.

[crazieshnurple]

I think you are totally right about being upset about the ring. You made it clear what you wanted/didn't want, and he obviously did not listen (as he got the one thing you told him you NEVER wanted on a ring). This is something you will wear for the rest of your life, so you should be happy with it. If you two had not been ring shopping together he should have at least gotten you a ring that is returnable. I agree with whoever said you should sell the ring TOGETHER and go shopping for a new one TOGETHER.

 

And he's now ignoring you and he took the ring away...? That sounds extremely immature to me.

[carhill]

Hmmm...

 

My questions are these...

 

1: should I have told him?

 

Yes, but in a different way

 

2: Am I being spoiled by not liking the ring?

 

One action does not make you spoiled

 

3: How do I make him feel better?

 

Apologize for *how* you told him and ask him what he wants to do now. Don't expect an immediate answer. Men process things. Accept his answer

 

Since you have a *young* child together already and you evidently parent other child(ren) from prior relationship(s), I'd recommend premarital counseling, starting immediately.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I think this is a complete sign that he doesn't listen to you at all and doesn't respect or care about your thoughts or opinions. This is because you had told him in the past that you didn't like baguettes, and he went ahead and got you just that. Also, you had ring tags on ebay of the types of rings you liked, yet he paid no attention and just picked something out carelessly just to give you a ring.

 

I'm sorry but if you do get married, he will never consider your thoughts or opinions, and he won't see it as a partnership. It will be all about him. He thinks he is this prince for getting you this ring, but he put absolutely no thought or planning into it. He just picked up the first ring he found, without thinking about your taste and what you like. Then he isn't even considerate enough to choose a ring which could be exchanged. That is very thoughtless and uncaring of him and I would take this as a big sign of how things will be in the future...he will be thoughtless and uncaring with everything else.

 

This incident really shows how much he values you, and I don't think he really does. I think he is proposing because he thinks it is expected.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if the ring he purchased he knew you wouldn't like, and it was a setup so he could say "Do you really like the ring?" And you of course would be forced to have an honest answer, and now he is turning this back on you, making you the unfeeling, uncaring woman simply because you don't like the ring (a style which you had specifically told him in the past you didn't like.) Don't fall for it. It's him who is uncaring and unthoughtful.

[lovestruck818]

OP, who cares about the ring? You're lucky enough to just have someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with you and who had a child together with you...that alone, says something...ring or not. There are some people in this world, me as an example, who are going to be alone forever. I will never be able to have someone propose to me or to get a ring like that. Be happy with the situation- even if you don't like the ring. Honestly to me, you seem superficial, materialistic, ungreatful and unappreciative.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, who cares about the ring? You're lucky enough to just have someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with you and who had a child together with you...that alone, says something...ring or not. There are some people in this world, me as an example, who are going to be alone forever. I will never be able to have someone propose to me or to get a ring like that. Be happy with the situation- even if you don't like the ring. Honestly to me, you seem superficial, materialistic, ungreatful and unappreciative.

I agree 100%. And at the risk of sounding old fashioned, two kids out of wedlock indicate that there's a couple of things about commitment that the OP doesn't understand. As others have said, the ring's value lies not in its apperance but in what it represents...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Lovestruck, I feel badly for you if you actually believe you are not worthy of a man falling in love with you and wanting to marry you.

Also I feel badly for you because you think that a woman should just accept any type of behavior from her man and just feel lucky for it. Like who cares, he bought a ring, even if it was a setup in that he got her a ring he knew she wouldn't like so he could make her feel like crap. Nice guy there.

I hope you get therapy so you realize that not just any guy who gives you a ring is a great guy and the woman should be so lucky.

[motive2002]

My uncle proposed to my aunt with a ring he made out of straw. It's not the ring itself but what it signifies.

 

I made an angel out of macaroni noodles for a Christmas school project one year, and I swear, in hindsight it was the most hideous looking angel you ever laid eyes on, but year after year it was hung proudly as a Christmas ornament on the tree for the holidays. I'm sure you're getting the drift by now....

 

It's not the item iteslf, but the love behind it. I would think that whatever the ring was, it would be cherished for the thought behind it, and the circumstances in which it was received.

 

I've seen some ugly wedding rings.. but they were rings passed down from generations that have since gone out of fashion.. but still worn because of it's significance. It's sentimental value.

 

Perhaps you should try to love and appreciate what was given to you. I hate to put it that way, but that's my honest opinion.

[Trialbyfire]

If your guy is one who has a limited amount of resources and the ring is non-returnable, I'm guessing that he found it on Ebay. It was probably the very best ring he could find, for the amount of money he had to spend on it. Guys can be pragmatic.

 

There's a lot of hurt pride happening on his side. How you recover from this, I don't have the answer for. I can see both your sides.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

The fact that he said "I can't exchange the ring." the first thing out of his mouth after she opened it proves that this was a setup on his part. I mean, how romantic is that? Not "I love you. I want to spend my life with you. Marry me." but "I can't exchange the ring." Lovely sentiments when proposing, hey?

 

Also, she did nothing insensitive or wrong because he kept asking "Do you like the ring?" You ask a question, you get an answer, and now she is being called materialistic for simply being honest. Basically he is telling her to lie to him whenever he asks a question.

 

Sorry he is at fault here and needs to apologize to her for setting her up for this.

[norajane]

Take the ring to a private jeweler, put the center stone in a new setting to your liking, and turn the baguettes into earrings. It may cost you a bit to do that, but perhaps you'll like the result enough that it won't be such a sore spot for you both.

 

Or sell it on eBay and use the cash to buy a ring you like.

 

As for telling him, well, he asked...and asked...and asked. You could have lied and told him you love it, but that's a lie and lies aren't a great way to start off a marriage. I feel bad for him, and for you, but if he's a reasonable sort and it's really important to both of you that you like the ring, then consider your options.

[sb129]

This is a topic thats close to me.

 

My BF always said that i would have no say in any engagement ring if he would propose.

His view is that a ring is an offering to a woman, and that if a guy doesn't know the girl well enough to know what she might like, then maybe they shouldn't get married.

 

This attitude made me a little nervous, but then again, I wasn't expecting a proposal, and when it came it was a total surprise. He had actually showed me the ring in the shop window a couple of hours before he proposed and I said I wasn't that keen on it (eeekk! Not knowing that it was in his pocket and he was waiting to present it to me).

 

When he actually proposed, all I could do was apologise and cry- its a beautiful ring and i love it because he picked it all by himself- AND it saved me the agony of choosing one (I am very indecisive about such things).

 

I love it more every day....

 

I think that you and your fiance are both at fault here. I think he perhaps could have taken some of your suggestions onboard, but I still think he put a great deal of effort and thought into the ring. i don't think he should have taken it off you.

 

I know that perhaps it isn't exactly what you want, but maybe you should think more about what it represents, and have treated the situation with a little more sensitivity and tact.

[Star Gazer]

SB - it helps that your ring is GORGEOUS.

 

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Gorgeous is in the eye of the beholder. Another woman might think the OP's ring is GORGEOUS. I wouldn't say she felt that way initially if she clearly stated "she wasn't so keen on it." Did you miss that part?

So....your post is off-topic.

[sb129]

Well the OP didn't post a pic of it the way I did when I got engaged, so its hard for us to tell.

 

My point was, when I saw my ring in the shop, prior to any knowledge of the proposal, I "wasn't that keen on it". But after my fiance proposed with it, it put a`different perspective on it, and I loved it.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

What a difference in opinions on this thread.

 

If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and this is your opportunity to do just that, how insulting is it to make a big deal out of a piece of jewelry in his face? There can be some resent created over it. Is that what you want?

[Meet 4 Coffee]

She wasn't the one making a big deal out of it - he was by asking several times if she liked it.

So you're supposed to lie to your fiance? Is that what you believe is correct?

SB, you still weren't that crazy about it when you saw it in the window, though.

Also, doesn't change the fact that just because the OP didn't post the ring like you did, it still doesn't mean another woman wouldn't find the OP's ring gorgeous. just because you and Stargazer might not...hmmm....

 

What a difference in opinions on this thread.

 

If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and this is your opportunity to do just that, how insulting is it to make a big deal out of a piece of jewelry in his face? There can be some resent created over it. Is that what you want?

[Posco_Proudfoot]

She wasn't the one making a big deal out of it

huh? The thread title alone contradicts this.

[Phateless]

My bf of 4 yrs and the father of my youngest son purposed in the most perfect way, at the perfect place...the only thing is...the ring is not what I would have picked out for myself.

 

It’s a pretty ring, but not what I would have wanted.

 

This proposal is totally out of the blue...to be honest we have been a little rockie...so I was really caught off guard. We've never gone ring "looking" and when ever I have brought it up, about the things I like...he seems to be only half listening.

 

I have 50+ rings tagged on the ebay we share...that look nothing like the ring he got for me.

 

And this isn’t the first time he has tried to buy my rings (not engagement rings) that later on I've had to tell him I didn't like it, or have to take it back myself...(birthdays and Christmas)

 

this devastates me and I'm sure him too...I've been waiting for this, it seems like forever...and I don't know if this is just not listening, but it does make me feel like what I say isn't important. I also wonder if he really does know me...

 

So back to our engagement day...he gave me the ring and then no more than 2 min after, told me it was not returnable...I tried to hide my disappointment...but he really can see right through it...we spent the day shopping and lunching and all that is fun and great...but ALL DAY LONG he was asking me if I was happy, if I liked my ring ALL DAY..finally after all day of being hit with the same question all day...I just told him..."its a very beautiful ring, but I really don't like baguettes" (by the way half of the totally weight of the ring is baguettes) which is exactly what I have told him on the very rare occasions that he isn’t trying to avoid the "ring" conversation, was the ONLY thing I never wanted on a ring

 

So we drive home from our great day...and he tells me how he fretted over the ring, and he really thought about it, and how upset he was that I didn’t like it. I told him I didn’t care how much the ring cost, I said yes to him, not a ring, he didn’t even need a ring, just ask me.

 

Since Monday (E day) he has spoke to me twice, and one of those times was to tell me I was materialistic. and take the ring away!(its now Thursday)

 

Soooo...am I materialistic...his mom says I shouldn’t have told him...I should have waited a year and them told him.

 

I don’t know how to make him feel better, I cant take back what I said, and I cant take back his hurt.

 

My questions are these...

 

1: should I have told him?

 

2: Am I being spoiled by not liking the ring?

 

3: How do I make him feel better?

 

Help!

 

Honestly? I would take that as a sign that maybe I should think twice about the marriage. I don't want someone who's that materialistic... He spent time picking out that ring.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

huh? The thread title alone contradicts this.

 

nope, he's acting like a child. She did tell him she didn't like the ring, AFTER he asked SEVERAL times during the day.

He's making the big deal by calling her materialistic and not having contact with her....when HE asked!

Him acting like this is him making a big deal.

It's not rocket science, really.

He is treating her like crap for her answering his question that he posed many times honestly.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

nope, he's acting like a child. She did tell him she didn't like the ring, AFTER he asked SEVERAL times during the day.

He's making the big deal by calling her materialistic and not having contact with her....when HE asked!

Him acting like this is him making a big deal.

He is treating her like crap for her answering his question that he posed many times honestly.

He's looking for appreciation and approval. If someone cooks for you and you didn't care for it do you tell them it taste like s**t because you want to tell the truth?

 

This is pure materialism at its finest. If he is treating her like crap, as you say, then she should've said no and exit the relationship. All because of a ring.

[2sure]

OP explained that she could not hide the disppointment from her face - which is probably why he immediately said it could not be returned, and why he asked all day if she liked it or not.

 

OP had 50 rings tagged on Ebay, for him to see, so this was not an out of the blue thing. She tagged rings because she was expecting one.

 

They have children. They live together. They budget together. She tagged the rings she thought they could purchase. The only surprise here is that he didnt buy anything that she had pointed out. AND it couldnt be returned.

 

It seems as though he just bought a ring he felt they could afford, knowing she wouldnt like it, because he needed a ring.