Told him I don't like the ring...am I wrong?

[Posco_Proudfoot]

Guys, you are missing the point. She was happy with the ring,

 

From the OP.

 

..I tried to hide my disappointment...but he really can see right through it...

 

Which part of this do you not understand?

[Dexter Morgan]

I've always told my significant others, especially when it came to jewelry, that if they didn't like it, just say so and we can exchange it. It isn't going to hurt my feelings. I am full aware that I probably don't have the best taste in the world when it comes to women's jewelry. And why would I? I don't wear them!!!

 

I would rather her take it back and get something she likes especially if I am shelling out major bucks for it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think this is a complete sign that he doesn't listen to you at all and doesn't respect or care about your thoughts or opinions.

 

 

he didn't have to buy her anything at all.

 

The fact that he wants to spend his life with her says that he respects her and cares about her. Men do go out and spend money on a wedding ring and commit to not being with other women if they don't care about the woman they are proposing to. Geez:rolleyes:

 

What an asinine thing for you to say.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

She never said how much he spent on the ring at all. Why are you assuming it's thousands of dollars?

He is acting rudely by not contacting his own fiance after she gave an honest answer to his question. this is not a guy I would want to spend my life with and one who is showing true love for his fiance and child.

 

 

There isn't any proof that she didn't show him her displeasure with the ring by inadvertently showing him through body signs. She can say she said it was fine, but her body language could have been saying something different.

 

Not to mention... if he wanted an out, what's to say it would've worked? What if she'd gushed about the ring, then he wouldn't have had a way to weasel out of the engagement. You make this guy out as some kind of creep who set the whole thing up so he could bail on the relationship without looking like the bad guy. It doesn't make sense that he would spend thousands on her while harboring a desire to get away from the relationship. I could potentially see it if he bought her a $100 ring, and the proposal consisted of him throwing it at her and telling her that was all he was willing to give her. But instead, he spends thousands on her, makes the day something special for both of them, treats her like a princess....

 

He was insecure about how she felt about the ring. He kept asking because he didn't believe she really did like it. And guess what, she didn't. He was absolutely correct in believing that she did not like the ring he gave her and that she was only giving him false platitudes about the ring.

 

THis is all moot anyway.. .if the relationship was finished at this point then she would be on here posting more about it. She hasn't been back since her original post.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

That's the thing = he made out the fascade like he did want to marry her, but really did not and set it up for her to fail the 'test' by buying her a ring she knew she wouldn't like and then hounding her for an answer.

This guy is no saint simply because he proposed because the whole proposal was a sham.

YOu are saying she should just be happy to get a proposal.

 

he didn't have to buy her anything at all.

 

The fact that he wants to spend his life with her says that he respects her and cares about her. Men do go out and spend money on a wedding ring and commit to not being with other women if they don't care about the woman they are proposing to. Geez:rolleyes:

 

What an asinine thing for you to say.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Uh, she was happy with the ring until he started hounding her and asking her over and over again if she liked it. What part of that don't you understand?

What part of "She gave him an honest answer and is now acting like a child when she was simply being honest" don't you understand?

YOu are criticizing her for not liking a ring that she made clear she did not like to him before he bought it. Interesting.

 

 

From the OP.

 

 

 

Which part of this do you not understand?

[Star Gazer]

Uh, she was happy with the ring until he started hounding her and asking her over and over again if she liked it.

 

YOu are criticizing her for not liking a ring that she made clear she did not like to him before he bought it.

 

Don't you see how these are internally inconsistent?

 

I think it's clear to everyone in this thread that at NO TIME did she ever LIKE this ring.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I never ask that question. I am very aware of what looks good on me. I have no weight problem whatsoever, so it is difficult for me to look fat in anything. Only fat makes you look fat, and I work out and don't have much. I also don't need my romantic partner to evaluate this for me.

 

 

I can't wait until you ask your partner "Does my ass look fat in these pants?"

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meet 4 Coffee]

So she is guilty simply because she doesn't like the style of ring he bought, which she had made blatantly clear it was a style she didn't like before he purchased it?

To me, it's inconsistent behavior for a woman to tell her fiance an HONEST answer to a question, one that he has been hounding her with, after he has set her up for failure and him being the victime.

I couldn't be with a man who when upset, shut me out for a week like that.

That is not how mature and healthy couples handle a relationship.

 

 

Don't you see how these are internally inconsistent?

 

I think it's clear to everyone in this thread that at NO TIME did she ever LIKE this ring.

[Star Gazer]

So she is guilty simply because she doesn't like the style of ring he bought, which she had made blatantly clear it was a style she didn't like before he purchased it?

To me, it's inconsistent behavior for a woman to tell her fiance an HONEST answer to a question, one that he has been hounding her with, after he has set her up for failure and him being the victime.

I couldn't be with a man who when upset, shut me out for a week like that.

That is not how mature and healthy couples handle a relationship.

 

Objection: Non-responsive.

 

You were arguing that she liked the ring and she only told him she didn't after being hounded. Obviously, that's not true.

[Walk]

I think you missed the point of what I was saying, in response to your challenge to women to buy their own rings. When couples get married, their finances are co-mingled. So if he spends $2k on the ring, that's $2k less that the couple has in the end. It would be the same if she bought her own ring for $2. Their combined savings would then be $2k less for other purchases. Touche, for example...she asked her fiance for a less expensive ring so THEY would have more to spend on their honeymoon.

 

So, regardless of who buys the tv or the ring, it's still the couples' money. You underlining the AFTER marriage part, is immaterial. Rings are purchased for marriage proposals. So whether the ring money is spent 6 months prior to the marriage and tv money is spent 6 months after, it really doesn't matter since it's still the same couple and the same finite amount of savings.

 

I agree with what you're saying Norajane.

I understand that finances are comingled in marriage. Like the example of Touche asking for a less expensive ring for a future that would benefit BOTH of them more. It was a concept that was geared to benefit the relationship as a whole, not one individual over another.

 

But the OP wasn't concerned about his finances. She isn't concerned about THEIR relationship together, their lives together. It was about her feelings, her thoughts, her wants, and what she feels she deserves. When one persons desires override their partners, then one partner will get the lions share of the existing pool of resources. In this situation, the OP didn't comprimise to allow her bf to express his own desires. It becomes a "what's mine is mine, what's yours is mine" type situation. If that is the case, then take the money and go buy the ring you specifically desire. Touche took her fiance's well being into consideration when discussing an engagment ring. The OP focused solely on what she wanted. Not what was best for the relationship.

 

I don't see this couple as a united front. It's two individuals who believe their views are "right" and the other is "wrong". There is no vision of a joint future where both people fight to ensure that the other is happy. Any co-mingling of resources is going to end with one of them resentful because they're still viewing themselves (whichever partner it is) as the most important individual between the two of them. And if someone wants to believe that in a relationship they deserve to have every last wish met without considering who their partner is, then they need to keep their individuality and go get it met on their own. i.e. buy their own ring. Otherwise, they're taking from someone else who they won't give the same in return.

 

Then again... it all comes down to how you view engagements. In my opinion, it is supposed to epitomise BOTH people's wants and desires for the future. Not just mine, not just his. And if two people can't come to some sort of comprimise on an engagement, then how could they possibly come to any sort of agreement about the million other issues that occur in a marriage? It's about accepting who your partner is, and his limitations. It's about understanding that you're not the most important person in that partnership. That's how I view it... so being upset that a ring isn't exactly how you wanted it, or the guy didn't propose exactly how you imagined, shows that the person is not ready to make the sacrifices necessary to be in a long term marriage.

[norajane]

I guess I didn't see her response as being especially harsh or selfish, particularly since he pressured her all day about it:

 

I just told him..."its a very beautiful ring, but I really don't like baguettes"

 

So we drive home from our great day...and he tells me how he fretted over the ring, and he really thought about it, and how upset he was that I didn’t like it. I told him I didn’t care how much the ring cost, I said yes to him, not a ring, he didn’t even need a ring, just ask me.

 

I suppose she could have left off the part about not liking baguettes and things might have gone better, or he might have kept asking her if she really liked it.

 

They have a son together - they do have a future, if only because of him. It's up to them to work this out, for their child's sake. If he really proposed because he wants to marry her, and she said yes because she wants to marry him, then I imagine they will work this out, one way or another.

[Walk]

I guess I didn't see her response as being especially harsh or selfish, particularly since he pressured her all day about it:

 

I suppose she could have left off the part about not liking baguettes and things might have gone better, or he might have kept asking her if she really liked it.

I guess your right... I think I was mixing Meet 4 coffee's feeligns in with the OPs. Making it harsher then what was originally stated.

They have a son together - they do have a future, if only because of him. It's up to them to work this out, for their child's sake. If he really proposed because he wants to marry her, and she said yes because she wants to marry him, then I imagine they will work this out, one way or another.

I assume since the OP hasn't been back since that first post that the two of them worked things out. Usually the ones that are still locked in the drama would be on here posting replies and follow ups. I bet they had this hashed out by noon the next day. Yet here we are, expounding on the meaning of baguettes and big screen tvs.

[norajane]

I assume since the OP hasn't been back since that first post that the two of them worked things out. Usually the ones that are still locked in the drama would be on here posting replies and follow ups. I bet they had this hashed out by noon the next day. Yet here we are, expounding on the meaning of baguettes and big screen tvs.

 

 

Very true! They would have just spent Christmas together with their son...I'm guessing that's helped to smooth things over by now.

[SoleMate]

I see two really strong competing values here:

(1) That it is important to respect his offering in the spirit it was intended, and

(2) It is also important for him to actually make a fair effort to please you with this symbolic gift.

 

With that in mind, let's look at the evidence....Hmmmm.....let's see.....

• You bookmarked 50 rings on eBay as examples of what you like
  
• You also pointed out the bookmarked rings to your bf (right?)
  
• He chose something completely different (in your eyes)
  
• He bought something that was non-returnable (i.e. not from a jewelry store)
  
• He asked you repeatedly if you liked the ring
  

It's possible that he did his best and made a sincere gift, but the balance of probabilities seems to point to the fact that this was a setup gift -- an aggressive act whereby he shows that his opinions and preferences matter, and yours do not. This has nothing to do with materialism.

 

An engagement ring is something you might wear every day for the rest of your life. If you have specific tastes in jewelry and you're given a ring you really dislike, it will be a daily irritant to have to wear it.

 

Maybe men can understand this better if you imagine your gf buying you a lime green Buick minivan as your main ride, and then making it clear it's non-returnable and that refusal to go apes**t over the gorgeousness of it, and drive it EVERY DAY, will be taken as an unforgivable insult. (Even more so if you've always told her how your dream car is a midnight blue classic Ford Mustang.)

 

The man who pointed out that he always makes sure jewelry gifts can be exchanged, will never have this problem.

[Walk]

Maybe men can understand this better if you imagine your gf buying you a lime green Buick minivan as your main ride, and then making it clear it's non-returnable and that refusal to go apes**t over the gorgeousness of it, and drive it EVERY DAY, will be taken as an unforgivable insult. (Even more so if you've always told her how your dream car is a midnight blue classic Ford Mustang.)

 

Apples to bananas. Ford Mustange is equivalent to a diamond ring. If she bought him a lime green ford mustange when he really wanted blue, then maybe the comparison would be similiar. Your analogy would be more along the lines of a guy buying a amethyst ring versus a diamond ring. Lime green minivan as the amethyst ring. OP got a diamond engagement ring with baguette's set around it. It wasn't exactly as she wanted, but it was still a diamond engagement ring. So therefore, it'd be like getting a Mustange that wasn't the exact color you wanted. If you really wanted a Ford Mustange, would you snub your nose at it if it was green instead of blue? I wouldn't... but that's just my opinion.

[soserious1]

Why would you go out and buy something for another person, something you expect them to wear on their hand 24/7 for the rest of their lives but deliberately chose a style you've been repeatedly told they don't like?

 

Because you don't want to marry them .. but lack the courage to directly address the issue.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Objection: Non-responsive.

 

You were arguing that she liked the ring and she only told him she didn't after being hounded. Obviously, that's not true.

 

Objection: She told him the ring was beautiful, but she was honest and told him (which she had made clear to him before) that she did not want a baguette ring.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Absolutely. He probably didn't spend much on the ring and in the longrun is out very little financially. I'm surprised more people aren't getting this. He also ran into his little fox hole and refusing contact with his own fiance because he is upset.

That also shows he does not want marriage if he can shut out his fiancee, the one he should love the most, over something like this.

I am very much certain this was a well-executed plot to sabotage marrying her for good.

 

Why would you go out and buy something for another person, something you expect them to wear on their hand 24/7 for the rest of their lives but deliberately chose a style you've been repeatedly told they don't like?

 

Because you don't want to marry them .. but lack the courage to directly address the issue.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Apples to bananas. Ford Mustange is equivalent to a diamond ring. If she bought him a lime green ford mustange when he really wanted blue, then maybe the comparison would be similiar. Your analogy would be more along the lines of a guy buying a amethyst ring versus a diamond ring. Lime green minivan as the amethyst ring. OP got a diamond engagement ring with baguette's set around it. It wasn't exactly as she wanted, but it was still a diamond engagement ring. So therefore, it'd be like getting a Mustange that wasn't the exact color you wanted. If you really wanted a Ford Mustange, would you snub your nose at it if it was green instead of blue? I wouldn't... but that's just my opinion.

 

It hasn't been established how much money was spent on the ring. Get on ebay, you can get a ring like described for $100, and real diamonds, too.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

Uh, she was happy with the ring until he started hounding her and asking her over and over again if she liked it. What part of that don't you understand?

What part of "She gave him an honest answer and is now acting like a child when she was simply being honest" don't you understand?

YOu are criticizing her for not liking a ring that she made clear she did not like to him before he bought it. Interesting.

Go back and look at the OP. Nowhere does it say "happy" about anything.

I'm criticizing you and her both for being shallow and materialistic about it.

The proposal is worthless in your eyes.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am very much certain this was a well-executed plot to sabotage marrying her for good.

As opposed to simply letting things ride and not proposing? Or more directly, his telling the OP "I don't want to marry you"?

 

He could have done either. Instead, he bought her a ring and proposed. It's obvious, in the OP's eyes, that's not good enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meet 4 Coffee]

The reason he proposed is because he thought she would immediately diss the ring and tell him her disappointment with the ring. Oops. She is happy with the proposal, better come up with a plan B. Gotta hound her and hound her about if she likes the ring so he has an out and can play victim when she has the nerve to tell him the truth (since he won't let up about it during an otherwise enjoyable day.)

Now let's not have any communication with her because she told the truth after I continued to hound her.

Out of this one! I actually got the fascade of looking like I wanted to get married and now get to be victim while she is the b**ch, all due to my wonderful plan!

 

 

As opposed to simply letting things ride and not proposing? Or more directly, his telling the OP "I don't want to marry you"?

 

He could have done either. Instead, he bought her a ring and proposed. It's obvious, in the OP's eyes, that's not good enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Actually, HE was the one who wouldn't let it die. He kept hounding her all day if she liked the ring, forcing her to give an honest answer!

 

quote=Mr. Lucky;1973596]As opposed to simply letting things ride and not proposing? Or more directly, his telling the OP "I don't want to marry you"?

 

He could have done either. Instead, he bought her a ring and proposed. It's obvious, in the OP's eyes, that's not good enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Out of this one! I actually got the fascade of looking like I wanted to get married and now get to be victim while she is the b**ch, all due to my wonderful plan!

Well, since you have this conspiracy theory so fully fleshed out, why is it important to him to "look like I wanted to get married" ???

 

Based on the fact that they already have a kid, neither he nor the OP would appear to be in any hurry...

 

Mr. Lucky