smithbrain Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Hello I am a 23 year guy. I have been dating my ex since I was 19. She is just 6 months younger then me. About 3 months ago she told that she had cheated on me for about 1 month. When I heard that I felt like that the ground under my feet shook I tried to forgive her but decided that was not an option so I broke it off with her. In anger I burned all the memories of me and her together I got all the presents she had ever given me put it in a bag and left it in front of her house. Ever since I broke up with her she has been calling and asking me for forgiveness. But I refused to accept any of her phone calls or even see her. She begged me to forgive her but since I had made up my mind I didn’t even hear what she had to say. I knew that she had been going to a shrink but 2 days ago I found out the she tried to commit suicide in her suicide note she mentioned my refusal to even hear what she had to say as a major reason. My friends told me that I should at least see her but I refuse to do so. What should I do in this delicate situation? Link to post Share on other sites
lady_door Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 That is indeed a difficult situation 4 years is a long time and all the anger and disappointment aside, I'm guessing there are still feelings on your part too. Are you 100% sure that you don't want to try to work this out with her? And even if you are, why do you refuse to talk to her? I know that being cheated on sucks, especially when it was more than a one time thing, but she obviously regrets it a lot. It's your choice of course, but I would talk to her and see what she has to say. What happens then is up to you. As for the suicide part.... even if her "reason" to try and kill herself was your breakup, this is neither your responsibility nor your fault. People don't kill themselves because their relationship didn't work out, there are always more factors. You say she's been seeing a shrink. Do you know why? For how long? Maybe she suffers from depression. Anyway, what do you have to lose by talking to her? Even if it's truly over, at least the both of you can have a clean cut and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
tomswife Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 You are very lucky to get out of this problem before it becomes yours. People who try to kill themselves have a serious psychological problems and it is not your fault that she tries to kill herself, first of all she cheated on you and she lets you know, why did she tell you if she really wanted you to be still her man and then the suicide letter. It sounds to me that this woman is suffering from low self esteem,self respect and all she wants is ATTENTION. Do not let her manipulate you and if you ask my advice, I'd say do not start dating her again and make her problem yours, she cheated on you it is a good reason to leave her. If she comits suicide it is not your fault. If you feel like giving her your support by emailing her that's fine but remember to take care of yourself before anybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 I am as much against cheating as anyone. In most cases I would say move on. But in this case she may have cheated because of something else going on in her life. What were the particulars of the cheating? It may shed some light on what was going on in her mind. Did she come to you or did you find out yourself. What is her family history. The way you have handled this so far you have sent her a message that has rocked her world to the core (Your ability to stick to your No Contact is incredible) But are you NCing because you love her and are afraid you may forgive her and just refuse to? Like the member before asked, if its over why not call her and at least be merciful. She knows now how badly she screwed up. I would suggest reading some of the previous posts by others on this board. It may shed light by seeing how others have dealt with it in similar and much worse situations. If the underlying problem in her life was not your relationship (how much you love her and she loves you) then the cheating is a symptom of something else going on with her. In this case I would consider the cheating as comparing it to a cancer patient losing weight. The weight loss is not the problem. Its the symptom of the cancer. If she is sick emotionally/mentally and you turn your back on her. I would question how much you loved her in the first place. I am in no way saying you have any responsiblity for her cheating but only of turning your back on her when the one you love needed you most. Of course my advice is dependent on the underlying facts of the infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 A couple of other thoughts. How did you feel when you found out she had tried to commit suicide? This may be a truer indication of what your feelings about her are. Did you feel apathy, fear, contempt. Again ALL our advice is based only on what WE believe, with the information we have been given. One other thing to consider is, why did you post on this site anyway. If there is no chance of forgiveness and reconciliation. Why would you waste your time here? I think you need to express what your feeling right now. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 You did good in breaking-up with her and as for her suicidal attempt, well why on earth would you be responsible. Her problems are hers not yours. Not only did she cheated but she got some real serious issues, but that's up to a therapist or psychiatrist, not you to fix her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 That is indeed a difficult situation 4 years is a long time and all the anger and disappointment aside, I'm guessing there are still feelings on your part too. Are you 100% sure that you don't want to try to work this out with her? And even if you are, why do you refuse to talk to her? I know that being cheated on sucks, especially when it was more than a one time thing, but she obviously regrets it a lot. It's your choice of course, but I would talk to her and see what she has to say. What happens then is up to you. As for the suicide part.... even if her "reason" to try and kill herself was your breakup, this is neither your responsibility nor your fault. People don't kill themselves because their relationship didn't work out, there are always more factors. You say she's been seeing a shrink. Do you know why? For how long? Maybe she suffers from depression. Anyway, what do you have to lose by talking to her? Even if it's truly over, at least the both of you can have a clean cut and move on. Forget that, she cheated on him. What is there for her to say? Sorry for getting ****ed by another guy while being with you? That's the ultimate slap in the face for a guy who's committed to a lady he feels very deeply for. And to top it off she tried to kill herself? Nah man forget that, this broad is a nut job. Do yourself a favor and steer CLEAR away from that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smithbrain Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 I found out about the cheating when she sat me down and told me she said that the guilt was killing her inside and she needed to come clean. Yes she has series psychological problems you see her dad abandoned her when she was a child but very recently he came back into her life also their family business almost going bankrupt and our break upmay have played on her mind I don’t know. I was shocked myself when I found out about her suicide through a mutual friend. I believe that trust is the only thing in the world that if it is broken cannot be repaired. I had plenty of chances to cheat on her but I didn’t I thought of her as the future mother of my children and she thought of me as something insignificant and disposable. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of a clean break up she doesn’t deserve it. The only feelings I have for her are the feelings of hate, betrayal and resentment how dare she have to nerve to ask for my forgiveness and even hope to work things out and get back together after she cheated. Why didn’t she think about us before she cheated? I don't care about her problems anymore and I have already started to move on I have no room in my life for her anymore. My feelings are that I just want her to leave me alone I want her to forget that we were ever together and leave me alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 I found out about the cheating when she sat me down and told me she said that the guilt was killing her inside and she needed to come clean. Yes she has series psychological problems you see her dad abandoned her when she was a child but very recently he came back into her life also their family business almost going bankrupt and our break upmay have played on her mind I don’t know. I was shocked myself when I found out about her suicide through a mutual friend. I believe that trust is the only thing in the world that if it is broken cannot be repaired. I had plenty of chances to cheat on her but I didn’t I thought of her as the future mother of my children and she thought of me as something insignificant and disposable. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of a clean break up she doesn’t deserve it. The only feelings I have for her are the feelings of hate, betrayal and resentment how dare she have to nerve to ask for my forgiveness and even hope to work things out and get back together after she cheated. Why didn’t she think about us before she cheated? I don't care about her problems anymore and I have already started to move on I have no room in my life for her anymore. My feelings are that I just want her to leave me alone I want her to forget that we were ever together and leave me alone. That's what I'm talkin about more power to ya! Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Good for you! There is no reason to take someone back after they have cheated on you for a month. Can I ask who she cheated with and how it started? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smithbrain Posted December 20, 2008 Author Share Posted December 20, 2008 I don't know who the guy is but they met each other when she was doing some voluntary charity work. When she told me I had to restrain myself so I didn’t physically abuse her and end up in jail. Thank for all your advice I have made up my mind that I will continue to avoid her and coming into contact with her. I have told most of our mutual friends all though most of them disagree but I don’t care what they think it’s my life not their’s. She doesn’t deserve closure and I will not give it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Hello I am a 23 year guy. I have been dating my ex since I was 19. She is just 6 months younger then me. About 3 months ago she told that she had cheated on me for about 1 month. When I heard that I felt like that the ground under my feet shook I tried to forgive her but decided that was not an option so I broke it off with her. In anger I burned all the memories of me and her together I got all the presents she had ever given me put it in a bag and left it in front of her house. Ever since I broke up with her she has been calling and asking me for forgiveness. But I refused to accept any of her phone calls or even see her. She begged me to forgive her but since I had made up my mind I didn’t even hear what she had to say. I knew that she had been going to a shrink but 2 days ago I found out the she tried to commit suicide in her suicide note she mentioned my refusal to even hear what she had to say as a major reason. My friends told me that I should at least see her but I refuse to do so. What should I do in this delicate situation? Stick to you guns, man. If she really wanted to commit suicide, she would have done it properly and would already be dead. Young women love to pretend to commit suicide, when they no full well they are not going to do it. It's just an attention-seeking tactic in this sort of case, a pathetic attempt to exploit your guilt and common decency to manipulate you into seeing her again. You did the right thing, forget this cheating ho and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 That is indeed a difficult situation 4 years is a long time and all the anger and disappointment aside, I'm guessing there are still feelings on your part too. Are you 100% sure that you don't want to try to work this out with her? Yes, he's 100% sure he doesn't want to share his ex-gfs vagina with god knows how many other STD-ridden players she has been fooling around with. I can't believe you are advocating he talks to her again. How is talking going to help? She spent hours bouncing up and down on another man's penis - what's there to discuss? You cheat, you get dumped, game over. If you wanna whine about it, best tactic is don't cheat in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 A couple of other thoughts. This is another thought...there is another woman out there, with a prettier face, better boobs, a sexier ass, less drama, more fun, more intelligence and education, who *won't* run off and bonk another guy then try to manipulate OP into taking her back. Explain again why it would be better to go with the ho than find this other, clearly superior woman? Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Wow, for a second I thought I was the only one to think that her suicide attempt was BS talk but then I see some others posting the same thing. Anyways yea people who are suicide would not even bother telling you about it, they would already do it. And what on earth does being neglected/abused as a child or having psychological problems has to do with disrespecting your SO and cheating on them?? Link to post Share on other sites
Charles1978 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I've been in the same situation before with a girl I dated for 4 1/2 yrs. She cheated on me, so I dumped her. Long story short, she told me she was going to kill herself. So, I dragged her to the shrink on campus. They gave her anti-depressants. I told her mother about it. All her mother said was that she was spoiled. I was shocked, but moved on. After several weeks of her begging for me to take her back, she showed up at my place begging for me to take her back. The whole time, she was taking pills... one at a time while we were talking. I noticed what was going on, and took her to the Dr once again. From that point, I just became infuriated with her... the fact that she would do someting like that just to get to me confirmed that I was doing the right thing. So finally, after a few more weeks, she told me she wanted to kill herself in a telephone conversation. I told her that I was tired of hearing this crap... so I told her to go ahead and do it. Informed her mother once again, and I didn't talk to her after that. Needless to say, she didn't follow through. This kind of behavior is the worst kind of manipulation. Each situation is different. If you are worried, tell her friends that instead of you talking to her... tell them to get her some help. Put it in their hands, not yours. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I've been in the same situation before with a girl I dated for 4 1/2 yrs. She cheated on me, so I dumped her. Long story short, she told me she was going to kill herself. So, I dragged her to the shrink on campus. They gave her anti-depressants. I told her mother about it. All her mother said was that she was spoiled. I was shocked, but moved on. After several weeks of her begging for me to take her back, she showed up at my place begging for me to take her back. The whole time, she was taking pills... one at a time while we were talking. I noticed what was going on, and took her to the Dr once again. From that point, I just became infuriated with her... the fact that she would do someting like that just to get to me confirmed that I was doing the right thing. So finally, after a few more weeks, she told me she wanted to kill herself in a telephone conversation. I told her that I was tired of hearing this crap... so I told her to go ahead and do it. Informed her mother once again, and I didn't talk to her after that. Needless to say, she didn't follow through. This kind of behavior is the worst kind of manipulation. Each situation is different. If you are worried, tell her friends that instead of you talking to her... tell them to get her some help. Put it in their hands, not yours. Good luck. My ex was the same, when I told her I was going to dump her and she cut herself and I ended up feeling sorry and got back with her then she cheated on me. Link to post Share on other sites
nittanylion Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Yep, she trys to manipulate you by pretending to commit suicide so that you will take her back. Even though, you take her back, who is to say she wont cheat on you again? I think the trust has brokern and she done tremendous damages to the relationhip. I agree with your decision. Keep up the good work. Eventually, you will find someone who is faithful to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Yes, he's 100% sure he doesn't want to share his ex-gfs vagina with god knows how many other STD-ridden players she has been fooling around with. I can't believe you are advocating he talks to her again. How is talking going to help? She spent hours bouncing up and down on another man's penis - what's there to discuss? You cheat, you get dumped, game over. If you wanna whine about it, best tactic is don't cheat in the first place. I second this post so hard. I hate when females sympathize for trampy ass other females. Wtf is there to sympathize for? This broad got what she deserved. Now if it were a guy, I'm sure lady_door's post would be opposite. Buncha gender bias floatin around these boards. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 I second this post so hard. I hate when females sympathize for trampy ass other females. Wtf is there to sympathize for? This broad got what she deserved. Now if it were a guy, I'm sure lady_door's post would be opposite. Buncha gender bias floatin around these boards. I had no sympathy for her either. If you look into one of my post, I ask what does having personal issues or neglected as a kid had to do with treating your SO sooo poorly?? Plus why would he be responsible if she were to actually commit suicide??? Makes no sense. I would have say the same thing whether the cheater is man or woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Gremio Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Are you 100% sure that you don't want to try to work this out with her? Are you serious? She cheated, end of story. No second chances. The woman is a psycho, obvious by her needing a therapist. Backed up by her choices in cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicChick24 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Because psychologicial trauma leads to anything such as cheating. I don't think what she did was right by any means but I think the legititiy of her sucide attempt stands and that none of you have the right to say she is false when you all don't know her. Only the SO knows her, you don't know what she is going through. So your judgements stand falsely. I think she may very well be messed up in the past from her past. She should consult psychologist long term. Clearly only they would understand her and not be so judgemental. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicChick24 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Are you serious? She cheated, end of story. No second chances. The woman is a psycho, obvious by her needing a therapist. Backed up by her choices in cheating. Needing the help of a therapist by no means makes one psycho. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 MusicChick24, you also have no clue what she is going through and it seems like you are trying to justify her cheating. A lot of people go through bad things in life but that does not mean they have the right to act so low and hurt others. If this was a man every woman on here would be screaming to dump him and not one of you would be worried about his mental condition. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 MusicChick24, you also have no clue what she is going through and it seems like you are trying to justify her cheating. A lot of people go through bad things in life but that does not mean they have the right to act so low and hurt others. If this was a man every woman on here would be screaming to dump him and not one of you would be worried about his mental condition. Yup. Gender bias when someone is seeking help is not cool. Take that crap to Oprah Music. Link to post Share on other sites
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