Engagement time period?

[girlygirl25]

Hi everyone. Since you were all so helpful regarding my issue with engagement I thought I'd run something by you all.

 

My boyfriend and I just got engaged, and are now talking about what kind of wedding we want. I really don't want to be engaged for like a year and 1/2. Cost is not an issue, due to my parents being financially well-off and being able/offering to pay for our wedding. He however says that he would like the engagement to be at least a year or more because it involves so much planning and he doesn't want to get stressed out or it be "rushed." (I think he doesn't want to have a bridezilla on his hands)

 

So I've never planned a wedding, so what does everything thing about long vs. short engagements? I know every could is different, but for those who have planned weddings, what was your amount of engagement time? Was it enough, too much, ect? Prior to our engagement we didn't really talk about the EXACT length of engagement, but we knew we would need to be engaged for a longer period of time due to PreCanna classes we will need to take (we are getting married in a Catholic church).

 

Can anyone offer any help?

[Jo78]

I am not engaged, but my coworker is as of Thanksgiving. They plan a September 09 wedding. She tried to find a venue that takes care of basically everything, so she would not have to deal with vendors and worry about where to get anything.

 

Another couple I know got engaged last July and married in November. But they only had a small ceremony/reception and plan to have a bigger party later after their child is born.

 

Same for my best friend. Engaged in June, small town hall ceremony in September. Church wedding is planned for 2011, when their daughter will be old enough to attend.

 

Other friends needed between 6 months and a year to organize their (beautiful) weddings.

[Ronni_W]

As you say, it is different for everyone. Personally, I don't feel that up to 2 years is a "long" engagement.

 

I think it would be okay if you wanted to honour your fiancé's desire about it, no matter if his reasons do or do not make total sense to you.

 

Thing is, I think, whether we take 5 months or 5 years to plan our wedding, we are still gonna get stressed. NOT that we need to get all 'bridezilla' on everyone, but any bridal party member (including parents, etc.) who is expecting a stress-free pre-wedding just isn't being too realistic, IMO.

 

Break it to your fiancé as gently as you can, "Honey, there WILL be stress!" (And then maybe help him learn to cope with it better: book him some stress relieving Reiki sessions, or register both of you for a stress management workshop, or whatever.)

 

Congrats on your engagement, and all the best for a long & happy married life

[JamesM]

My wife and I dated for two months short of two years. Of that time only five months was while we were engaged. The wedding was planned and executed during that time. Could it have been longer? Yes only because sometimes it is hard to make the arrangements in a short time. We did not have that problem. Would I have wanted it longer? No.

 

We have been married for 18 1/2 years.

 

I do not think engagements should be long. Once the decision is made to get married, then get married. However, circumstances may make a longer engagement necessary such as college. Otherwise, set the wedding date and plan the wedding.

 

Engagements that are too long while the wedding is being planned become quite stressful IMO.

[JamesM]

He however says that he would like the engagement to be at least a year or more because it involves so much planning and he doesn't want to get stressed out or it be "rushed." (I think he doesn't want to have a bridezilla on his hands)

 

 

A comment or two on this...As Ronni said, the stress will be there. While we see smiling faces of couples planning weddings, in reality, it is not always like that. In fact, the most stressful time of dating is the engagement when planning the wedding.

 

I know how he feels. He also wants to get used to the idea of marriage. He wants to keep having fun dates while planning the wedding. From experience (mine and others), I think he will get sick of discussing wedding plans, because yes, he will be discussing plans for most every date from now on out.

 

For some guys, the wedding doesn't loom as a wonderful evening. It sits out there as a day that must be overcome to reach our goal of marriage. And having that date sitting out there adds stress by itself. And the constant reminders of things that must be decided each time he sees you will keep building that anxiety...even if it is a little.

 

Work with him, but as a guy, I can say that I am glad we did not wait longer than we did.

 

And yes, I too wanted a long engagement, but my wife wanted a shorter one. So I went with it because truthfully, no matter the date, the idea of the wedding day scared me.

 

My focus from the date of the engagement until the wedding day was...the honeymoon in the Poconos. And for that wonderful week, I would endure the "public ritual" of marriage.

 

BTW, I am Protestant. While our ceremonies are different( I have been privileged to attend a couple of Catholic weddings), much of the planning is the same.

[2sure]

Depending on the logistics and complexity of the wedding plans.

It takes a lot of advance planning to get a date that is available for:

The church

The Reception Venue

The Caterer

The Seamstress

 

Getting one date that each of those can accomodate, usually takes a year. If you dont mind off season or a friday night, you can do it sooner.

[EAJuggalo]

My fiancee and I got engaged the day after Thanksgiving and we're planning an October '09 wedding. Of course we hope to have everything planned by April but know that's not going to happen.

[SierraRose]

I am a floral designer by trade. I can assure you it does not take a year and a half to plan a wedding. Find a reception hall, get available dates and confirm with the church the availability...

[SierraRose]

Planning a wedding can be overwhelming, if you let it. I reccommend hiring a wedding planner to assist you especially if you have issues with decisions. She/he will take much of the stress off your shoulders. As far as the flowers go, just find a preferred florist and get date availability. No need to pick out the flowers right away, just put a deposit down to hold the date. I can assure you a good florist won't even sit down with you until you have picked out the color of the bridesmaids dresses.

Basically, the stress on planning the "big day" depends on the scale. A simple intimate ceremony can be planned much quicker then the huge fanfair. The bigger the wedding, the more details involved, the more time needed. It boils down to what you want.

I've seen brides sooo stressed out over minor details...what hairstyles "her" girls will have...their nail polish color...jewelry...

Don't LET yourself turn into Bridezilla! Pick and choose your stressors! Enjoy the planning!

 

My point is this...there are no "rules" on how long an engagement should be. It's up to you and your fiance on how you both envision the day. Honestly, that will be a big factor in the length of your engagement...Hope this helped...

[sb129]

I am getting married in two weeks, and we got engaged in October 2007.

 

We would have done it sooner, except we had to move countries and settle into the new one before we did.

 

It hasn't been that stressful at all, because with that much time up our sleeves we organised a few key things (venue, date, bridal party etc) and forgot about it.

 

I haven't been stressed about it too much at all, and it definitely hasn't taken over our every waking moment, possibly because we have had so many other things to think about too.

Neither of us are particularly worried about the little things either. I can see how people get obssessed with small details, but at the end of the day, hardly anyone will remember the small details about a wedding- they will remember you, your dress, your husband and who was there.

 

I know people who have planned weddings in 6 weeks and said that they really loved it that way because it was six weeks of focusing in the wedding rather than months and months.

 

AS one of the other posters said, some things may dictate when you get married for example if you want a specific venue/ church/ caterer you may have to wait until they have a suitable free date. Some popular venues are booked out a year or two in advance.

 

At this point in time, my biggest stress is that I am not that stressed!!!

I keep thinking I have forgotten something.

[JamesM]

At this point in time, my biggest stress is that I am not that stressed!!!

I keep thinking I have forgotten something.

 

 

I had to laugh....stressed because you are not stressed? I am still trying to figure this one out. So you ARE stressed? Or aren't you?

 

Anyhow, the wedding can be planned in a short time. It WILL be more stressful than if done in a longer time, but (assuming you are not living together) the longer you wait means the longer you are apart.

 

I don't know if that is good or bad.

[sb129]

 

I had to laugh....stressed because you are not stressed? I am still trying to figure this one out. So you ARE stressed? Or aren't you? .

 

LOL. I see what you mean!

 

I don't feel stressed about the wedding per se. I am still waiting for that big amount of stress that everyone talks about to kick in!

 

I do think I may have forgotten something though...

[girlygirl25]

Thank you all for the great help!

 

I heard through a friend that there is this beautiful hotel that you can have a wedding reception at. Most everything is included in the price per head, even the alcohol! (which is good because his family doesn't really drink) therefore asking them to pay for the alcohol may be a little ackward. A wedding planner even comes with the deal!

 

Anyway, this place is gorgeous, however they said they fill up fast therefore we need to get a date set ASAP. We can actually get into a church in 6 months however I would like to wait longer then that. I don't mind having it towards the end of the summer because it actually may be a little less hot. (I was a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding in July and it was like 90 degrees!)

 

Now, here comes the issue. His family is not financially well off therefore will not be able to pay for anything in the wedding. Therefore we are going to need to pay for a few things ourselves, due to my parents not being able to afford both the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and dresses. He says he is strapped for cash right now due to the ring he bought and his other bills (he didn't say this to make me feel guilty though) so he wants to wait until 2010 and have a spring wedding. We had an argument over it last night and I have no idea what to do. Is he having cold feet? I asked him if he was and he denied it but I dont know...

 

Any ideas guys? Please help!

[2sure]

Well, you said in your first post that cost was not an issue due to your parents being financially well off. Since it is now an issue and you dont want to wait 1.5 years...why not scale down thewedding a bit so that your parents can afford it or at least scale down the part you were planning on his family paying.

[JamesM]

 

Now, here comes the issue. His family is not financially well off therefore will not be able to pay for anything in the wedding. Therefore we are going to need to pay for a few things ourselves, due to my parents not being able to afford both the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and dresses. He says he is strapped for cash right now due to the ring he bought and his other bills (he didn't say this to make me feel guilty though) so he wants to wait until 2010 and have a spring wedding. We had an argument over it last night and I have no idea what to do. Is he having cold feet? I asked him if he was and he denied it but I dont know...

 

Any ideas guys? Please help!

 

The other issue is that if he is cash strapped and the two of you may have to pay for part of the wedding, then you have two options...do a less expensive wedding or hold off on the wedding.

 

However, this brings up a new issue....how much debt do you want when you first get married? Speaking from the POV that we had to pay for almost every part of our wedding, this can be a big problem.

 

One of the biggest reasons marriages end is due to financial stress. While I know YOU will never get divorced, why start out with a big stressor? Trust me..your first two years will already be stressful enough adjusting to each other.

[sb129]

So a few things are a little different since the first post.

1. You do have restrictions on cost

2. You want to get married sooner than your fiance does.

 

Spring 2010 is not even two years away- does he mean May/June? Thats only 18months which still isn't a long engagement. it sounds like if you get married any sooner, you will have to re-examine your budget, which also isn't a bad thing.

 

Why do your parents need to pay for a rehearsal dinner?

 

I am not having one of those we are just having a buffet/BBQ dinner at a local bar the night before.

 

My parents are paying for the venue hire/reception, the bus transport to the venue, the photographer, the cake, some entertainment, the food and the alcohol- which are the main costs- this is the most expensive part of the wedding by far.

 

My fiance and I paid for the rings, my dress/shoes/jewellery, the hairdresser, my bridesmaids dresses/accessories, the groomsmens ties, my fiances outfit, some decorations, the invitations and printing costs and the band.

 

My fiances parents are hosting a BBQ the day after the wedding and are supplying all the flowers/ bouquets and floral table arrangements. (which has saved a fortune).

 

The good thing about having a longer engagement is that we spread these costs out over some time so we didn't have to spend one lump sum at once.

 

You need to sit down with your fiance and work out how much you can afford to put towards a wedding. There are some great budgeting sheets online out there to help you.

Also do a little bit of research on how much you think it will actually cost, and whether there is any discrepancy between the two figures.

Don't be surprised if the numbers are alot more than you expected. The minute you put "wedding" before anything (cake, photographer, band etc) prices do tend to start to increase quite rapidly.

 

 

You CAN save money by not going crazy.

 

I bought my dress off a second hand wedding dress site. There are literally 1000s of beautiful worn-once or even (as was my case) not worn at all dresses out there. I tried the dress I wanted on in a shop, googled the style and designer, and voila! Got it for 1/4 of the RRP. DO your research and you should be able to find a gorgeous dress "on the cheap".

I also got some brand new Jimmy Choos off ebay for under 1/2 the RRP.

 

I bought my bridesmaids dresses off the rack- they all love the dresses and will wear them again.

 

We are using our wedding cake as the dessert for the meal- so that saves catering costs and kills two birds with one stone so to speak.

[girlygirl25]

Thank you for your responses.

 

A couple questions:

 

James:As far as debt goes I do not plan on taking out a loan. I have money of my own saved and could easily save up some money each month to pay for some things. I do not have school loans, car payment, credit card debt, ect. My fiance on the other hand has school loans, car payment, a furniture loan he took out. He is in a ton of debt so I understand his issue with not being able to fork out immediate cash.

 

HOWEVER, he will not have the personal expenses that I will have. He has to rent a suit. I have to pay for hair does, dresses, my own wedding dress, shoes, manicures, ect. He told me he would help me pay for some of that, as my parents have told me that those kinds of things will be something I will need to pay for. The church and repection will be about $10,00-12,000 depending on the number of people there. My parents said that they would pay for most of that depending on number of guests. So they asked us if we could pay for the rest like rehearsal dinner, limo, personal atire for the wedding, rings. So all in all we will have to pay for about $5,000 towards our wedding. I could easily save up that much cash $2,500, however he told me that he could probably not spend that much in just cash over a shorter amount of time.

 

Oh and for sb: you paid for your bridesmaids dresses? Wow, the wedding I was in I had to pay for my nails and my dress/shoes. She paid for our hair. My boyfriend had to rent his own tux for his friends wedding to. So should I pay for my bridesmaids dresses? If I need to buy a wedding dress that is going to be about $500 between the 4 of them if not more?

[sb129]

I think its perfectly reasonable to ask your BMs to pay for their own dresses- many people do, and I understand its very common in the US.

 

I paid for my BMs dresses because I had saved so much on my own dress, and because theirs were off the rack, they were relatively cheap.

 

I think as long as the dresses weren't crazy expensive you could get away with asking your BMs to pay for their own dresses. Talk to them- see how they feel about the matter.

 

Your last post flagged something up to me. You are talking about the wedding as if you and your BF have separate costs and will be paying for them separately.

 

I can see where you are coming from there, but the wedding is a total package- its a celebration that you are getting married- not staying as two single individuals!

 

It sounds to me like your BF and you need to have a really good discussion about money and how things are going to work before and after the wedding.

As JamesM said, financial issues can be a huge source of stress for many couples, and its definitely a topic that I was advised to get out in the open and work on as soon as possible- long before we got married.

 

Many couples do things differently, and I appreciate your BF has more loans than you, but after you get married, alot of your financial responsibilities legally become joint anyway.

 

My BF and I (with me resisting many steps of the way initially) worked out our finances as soon as we moved in together.

THe way we do it is pool all our money, and then from that we paid off expenses, loans, whatever. We still do it now, even though he is temporarily unemployed.

 

Other couples do it differently, but I would advise you guys to work a way that is going to work for you ASAP other wise the money side of things could really overshadow your happy day.

[JamesM]

My fiance on the other hand has school loans, car payment, a furniture loan he took out. He is in a ton of debt so I understand his issue with not being able to fork out immediate cash.

 

Your last post flagged something up to me. You are talking about the wedding as if you and your BF have separate costs and will be paying for them separately.

 

I can see where you are coming from there, but the wedding is a total package- its a celebration that you are getting married- not staying as two single individuals!

 

It sounds to me like your BF and you need to have a really good discussion about money and how things are going to work before and after the wedding.

 

Other couples do it differently, but I would advise you guys to work a way that is going to work for you ASAP other wise the money side of things could really overshadow your happy day.

 

Well said, SB129.

 

If your BF has a huge amount of debt per you, then you will inherit that debt...and his spending habits. If you are frugal and he is not, then as SB says, this topic should be well settled before you get married, because the two of you will clash many times over this area. I suggest a finance book for couples. Personally, I recommend books by Dave Ramsey. You can google his name and find out more about him.

 

Speaking from 18 years of marriage, finances are one of the biggest areas that we can have "fights" (not that we fight, of course ) over. Remembering back to our dating days, I can see how we should have discussed this area much more fully. Being in our early twenties however, we thought life would somehow take care of itself as we were "in love." Problem is...life seemed to forget that we were in love when it gave us simple everyday problems to handle. The dumbest things caused the most problems...and they still do, but during those adjustment days, simply pulling too hard on the blankets brought about the next Cold War. So, having major problems such as finances dealt with prior to marriage can at least give your more time to resolve who gets what blanket...and still survive the marriage.

 

How you plan and spend for your wedding can be a good indication of things to come. I do say that you are asking a lot of great questions which many couples in your position do not.

[girlygirl25]

Thanks guys. Yeah, I realize I will inherit his debt. We both make pretty good money combined though, so we won't have a problem finance wise.

 

As far as seperate money goes we do have seperate bank accounts. The utilities and cable bill are in his name because he transferred them from his old apartment when we moved in together. I pay less rent then he does because he uses the second bedroom in our apartment as an office. We each pay our own check for our amount and then I pay him for my share of the utilities and it comes out of his bank account. So in essance, it would be very similar to having a combined account, accept my money would just be already in there. We left the accounts seperate because when we moved in together I was just starting to "get on my feet" financially and I wanted to try to manage my own money. We have discussed this, and we do plan on merging our accounts when we get married. I will most likely just cancel my checking account and get added onto his since he has most of his bills that automatically come out of his account every month and many more bills he pays out of his checking account.

 

As far as the combined wedding money: Since we don't have seperate accounts then we were just going to pretty much do what we are doing now, when we go buy something we would just both chip in for it. It is a good idea to have a seperate "wedding fund" though to put money into, and then when we need some money we can just take it out of that. Actually we could probably just take some of our income every month and save money that way. Wow, what a great idea!

 

I do acknowledge that I will inherit all his debt, however that is what happens when you get married and combine finances. Aside even from all the debt and bills we will still have a ton of money left over since we make really good money combined.

[2sure]

Since your parents are comfortably able to pay for part of the weekend, and since you and your bf combined will have money left over...

 

Why do you think he wants to wait?