should i break up with someone i love?

[pickles0927]

This is gonna be long so i apologize in advance. Me and my bf have been dating for 1yr 7mths. I have definitely never loved anyone as much as I love him. Ive been married twice, last time for 10 yrs. Let me preface by saying that I am 35 and he is 28. He has only been "in love" once, with a girl on the internet that he never met. And he loves me. Here is my dilemma.

He has told me that he loves me, shows me in little ways that he does, has said that he will probably spend the rest of his life with me. Now heres the bad part.

He has also said that it is very hard for him to stay in line, meaning not cheating, hes never cheated but its hard for him not to. Hes not sure what he wants to do with his life and who he wants to do it with, he feels that i deserve better because ive always given 70% in the relationship while hes given 30%. He doesnt think im the person hes supposed to be with, and im not his "everything" and I probably never will be because he thinks hes incapable of this. This was all said after a fight, btw.

Now, the way i rationalized all this was by thinking that hes just confused cuz hes never been in love with a real woman before so therefore he doesnt understand his feelings. I base this off of the REALLY sweet things he has said and done for me. He is a VERY independent person whereas im co-dependent, he has given up his time to spend with me, hes never lived with anyone let alone a girl before but weve lived together for almost a year, he does sweet things out of nowhere, etc...

He has told me that part of him hates me for taking away his single life and my response to that is "technically, he could still be single if he wanted to be. I cant force him to stay with me."

My problem is this. Do I end it and be utterly miserable and see if he realizes what he has? Or do I hold onto the multiple little things and just accept that he will be confused forever? Or do you guys think that hes really not confused and just a jerk? Please be honest and please help!!!

[Tony T]

If you had been dating this guy only two or three months I would tell you to hang in there a while. But you're going on two years now. This guy is 28 years old, not 21.

 

What's Bad:

 

1. You give 70 percent, he gives ONLY 30 percent. That just won't work. Sounds a bit selfish to me.

 

2. He hates you for taking away his single life. DUH! This guy isn't wanting a relationship. A guy who really loves you will want to be with you and being single again will be the LAST thing on his mind. How hurtful can somebody get?

 

3. He, admittedly, would have a tendency to cheat on you. Well, that's not bad for him admitting that...I give him credit...but do you want a man in your life who's NOT READY for a long termer, wants to be single again...and thinks about cheating already???

 

What's Good:

 

1. You've come here to see other people's opinions. Don't just listen to me. But the very good thing about all this is you aren't married to the dude yet, you don't have two of three kids with him and you aren't in search of a good divorce attorney because he cheated on you and has left you with no money.

 

This is a no brainer, hon. Back off and go find someone else. If it was meant to be he'll come back in your life when he grows up...perhaps in 15 or 20 years.

[whitbit]

I agree. This relationship just wont work, you are devoted, and he doesn't know what he wants. It sounds to me, you deserve much better than he is willing to give. Don't hang onto the little things, its the big things that count.

[pickles0927]

thanks to both of you.

[xpaperxcutx]

He's not happy being in a relationship with you. With every little praise he gives you, he also follows up with a " but". That shows he lacks commitment, especially with his said " desire" to cheat.

 

There are so many red flags here that Tony has covered that I won't bother repeating.

 

You would want to find someone who shares your same ideals and interests than with someone who " blames" you for his relationship status.

[Trialbyfire]

Or do you guys think that hes really not confused and just a jerk?

That's my opinion in a nutshell. You can do way better.

[nittanylion]

I say cut him loose cause he is not putting effort in the relationship. Its better to cut loose now. If you dont do it now, I think he will certainly cheat on you in the future. He is very unhappy in this relationship. Why wasted your time with someone who is unhappy in a relationship? The answer is simple and you know what action need to be taken.