How do you give up hope of reconciliation?

[hereandnow]

Can ya'll help me out with this one. I know it's what I need to do but I'm finding it really hard. Is it as simple as just keeping in my mind that it's not going to happen? Sometimes I think that's what I need to do. Anytime that thought pops into my head just think "Never gonna happen, never gonna happen." Has this kind of cognitive approach worked for anyone? I mean sometimes I don't even want to try this, it freaks me out a little, but I've got to do something.

 

Please help me out with this. I really need to move on, but am finding it really hard. How have you managed to give up this hope?

[steve9417]

how do you give up the hope ..... of what ......... a dream ?

 

you simply wake up

 

you've not got closure if you've still got hope - you can use CBT and NLP or what ever you like ........ but you have to believe it - ask yourself what would give you closure

 

the facts are abundant but still you hold onto something from the past - perhaps that's more comforting than facing the future right now on your own ........ trust in yourself hearandnow ....... be accepting to what's going on and be your new best buddy

 

get to remember your brilliance ...... you'll not do it with one foot in the past and one in the present ....... the good news is the journey will be the making of you

[loveinlife]

It will take some time... to tell you how long, i would say its different for everyone whose going through the moving-on phase.

 

On my own experience, it took me 2.5 years to move on from my first gf whom i went out with for 2 years... that is because we kept in touch... it wasn't a good idea because she was indecisive in our relationship and played me dirty(felt used during the time after our breakup).

 

My second gf, it took me about 2 months... which is not that bad, but i went out with her for only a three months.

 

hope you find your way out of your current emotions. I know its hard, i've been through similar situations. good luck to you. =)

 

Time will heal your wounds. Sounds redundant but you will feel it one day. I didn't believe it too, but it works.

 

Right now, im trying to get over my dogs death today, another phase of hurt for me that im trying to get through. This is adding on to my dad's cancer... sucky times. =(

 

wish you the best

[hereandnow]

I'm really sorry about both your dad and your dog, loveinlife. My heart goes out to you.

 

Even though I'm 27, this was my first real relationship, so it's my first time going through this.

 

2.5 years to move on, ouch. I dated my ex gf for a little over 6 months and it's been 2 months since the breakup. We've stayed in touch too, which I'm sure has made it harder. We run in the same circles, but I could manage a lot less contact and I'll probably try that. I'm curious, loveinlife, what else do you think made it harder for you to move on?

 

I would appreciate some more people's experiences on how they managed this phase of moving on.

[hereandnow]

I've been trying self-talk today to get over this. Whenever that hope pops up, just thinking, "It's over, not gonna happen." It seems to help some.

 

Still curious as to how others have gotten through this.

[kizik]

Hi there hereandnow,

 

my short answer is that the hope of reconciliation will dissipate with time. But, it won't go away if you're still talking to her. It's not about less contact; it's about no contact. You'll find that phrase spoken a lot on this board.

 

If you see her, if you talk to her, your body is going to have this little excited reaction that used to happen when you were together. Your heart will race and you will long to hug her, kiss her, etc.

 

But if you remove yourself from these situations, and never see her or talk to her until you are fully healed (if you ever DO see her, which I think is a bad idea regardless of how long it has been since the breakup), you will find that said hope for reconciliation has gone away.

 

It's like anything. I used to have cable TV, was excited to get home and watch "The Hills." Now I don't have cable, and I don't give a f*ck about The Hills, which is just as well, considering it's a terrible show.

 

Not to compare relationships to TV, but you get my point. With time and avoidance, feelings go away.

[orangehose]

I've been trying self-talk today to get over this. Whenever that hope pops up, just thinking, "It's over, not gonna happen." It seems to help some.

 

Still curious as to how others have gotten through this.

 

 

Acceptance can take a lot longer than you initially expect. I remember a point about 3 months post-breakup / NC, when I just woke up and it hit me all over again and I wondered, what the heck happened?!?! How did this person who I talked and saw on a daily basis, just disappear like that? Wouldn't he contact me eventually?

 

Unfortunately, as with most other aspects of the grieving process (anger, sadness, etc), you just have to wait it out. Just make sure you keep going ahead with the other aspects of your life (going out, keeping up with hobbies). At some point the heart catches up with the mind.

[ioncebelieved]

For me in just happened over time. No set time limit on this, but you finally see things for what they are. I gave up hope long ago on my ex and think if it is meant to be, it will be. It was a long hard road and I am probably 60-70 percent better, but not fully.

 

It just comes after you get tired of wasting your energy on someone that is not with you. Do not get me wrong now, I still think of her often enough, miss her and love her still like no tomorrow. It takes a lot of energy hoping for something that probably will never come.

 

The hurt still resides deep in me, but since I gave up long ago, I am not ripped apart even more because of wasting my time. You just have to keep on keeping on!!! You realize in the future that someone will replace the ex or just maybe they may come back. No need to obsess over the way things will unfold.

 

Good luck and one day you will lose that hope! That kind of hope is crappy and you will see this too.

[steve9417]

hi hereandnow

 

you must have or get closure and then swallow the NC pill - if you don't have that then none of these messages enclosed will work ...

 

to answer your question - each of us are unique and each of us have our own unique ways of dealing with and processing whats happened - see what works for you - i would say though your recovery is what you choose in the end - so much of this is about wanting something better for yourself

 

i personally have found writing a journal very empowering - i just write what ever is in my head and i'm honest - whether its sadness, loss, lost, empty, hope, joy, etc ..... i put it in there - i'm honest with myself - i have tried NLP but it just don't work ..... losing my ex goes deeper than a cure by mantra ..... in fact my ex has been the trigger for a much deeper loss ....... its my healing from things in my past and her leaving has been a portal to all that hurt - thus i'm accepting of her going and i'm focusing on the present - the now and being ok with the myriad of thoughts and feelings within me - thus i'd say learn to be honest with the present and be gentle on yourself - be open to lots of uncertainty - welcome it and remember that you're involved in a self renewal process thats disguised as grieving

 

weirdly after a huge amount of crying and anger, talking with friends, listening to music (Sigor Ros have been great), talking to a therapist and lots of exercise & good food i'm starting to see things differently and with loads more hope ..... not for a reconciliation with my ex but for myself

[hereandnow]

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I've got about as much closure as one needs I guess. Over a month ago she told me, when I asked if we still had shot, that we should both go our own ways, and I know that she is at least seeing somebody now (not sure how serious). So I can't really see needing anything more than that.

 

So I guess it is back to NC. I was trying it before but broke it for Thanksgiving and then started seeing her all over the place Uugh. Saw her with the guy she's hanging out with now Friday at a meeting. So I suppose it's day 2 for me. Day 2 and I just woke up at 6 am. F***!

[JooLee]

dont worry, it'll get better. i myself and many other on here, have gone through every single thing that you are feeling now and had many question which at this present moment seemed irrelevant.

 

i believe its a matter of choice. if you decide you want to move on, you will. but if you decide, no, there's still hope, he/she's coming back. we are getting back together. etc etc, then you will go nowhere. so do yourself a favour and decide to move on. i know its easier said than done, but you have to stop feeding your emotions and think rationally. it is only for you best

good luck to you!

[Zapbasket]

Orangehose (and others) is right: you just have to be patient, let yourself feel whatever you feel, and with time and distance the hope will subside. I think it also helps to tell yourself that in life things don't always resolve the way they do in books in movies. Sometimes there is no closure. Meaning, you might ALWAYS feel some remorse about the loss of this person from your life, and it might always stay lodged somewhere deep in your memories as a poignant sadness, but your life goes on nevertheless, bringing you happiness as well as more anguish.

 

I harbor little hope anymore that my ex and I ever could reconcile, but the sadness at the loss remains. I know I'll never forget him, and maybe as more months or years go by I'll see that perhaps he never was right for me. I've come to view time as my friend; it WILL heal you, as long as you use the passing time to improve yourself and face your part in the relationship's demise.

 

Also, think of it this way: there's nothing wrong with always harboring a little hope. Life works in funny and ironic ways--sometimes people do have a chance to reconcile...but it only ever seems to happen when both people accept the split and continue making headway in their lives. As someone wisely said to me here on LS back when I was choking in the aftermath of my breakup, "You can't live on a diet of hope." You eventually have to face the reality that there is nothing you can do at this time to bring about the desired reconciliation, and once you realize that it's all a matter of self-respect: do you love yourself enough to go on living your life, and making room for new, more realizable hopes?

 

Just give it time; you will heal.

[kizik]

Ah, there goes GreenCove, being a genius as usual.

 

I think something the OP needs to consider as well is this: there are many valid, huge reasons why the R did not work out - do you really think you can start over with the same person in the face of so many said reasons? My opinion, and that of some others on LS, is that there is simply WAY too much baggage there. There is resentment, guilt, regret, anger... all things that do NOT exist when forming a R with someone completely new.

 

In time, you realize that you don't want another chance - that it would never work out - that your ex is basically either a jerk, not right for you, or both.

[MWH]

It took me a looooong time to give up hope. While I was strung along and played like a piano I also take responsibility for MY end of it- I'm a smart guy- streetwise, been around the block a couple times, blah blah blah. I wasn't smart enough to listen to my instincts.

 

What was my turning point and subsequent loss of hope? I sat down and really looked at what I had become in the course of the relationship. I saw that I was a mere shell of my former self. I saw that I was consumed with only one thing- HER and that my life consisted of endlessly trying to reach her ever-changing always-increasing demands. I saw that I had been reduced to the kind of "man" who would catch his gal cheating and literally BEG her to take me back! Yeah- it got that bad. Ugh!

 

I did not like what I had allowed myself to become. I did not like WHO I had become. I lost my "mellow" and I lost my "heart". I had become a self-destuctive puddle of mud. Once I faced tha, something just kinda *clicked* inside, and I no longer wished to have anything to do with her. I realized that the image of who I was in love with was just that: An image and that the person behind that image, the REAL person behind that image, was no one I'd care to associate with. She's just not "my kinda people". She's a total poser and total phony. More importantly, though, is the fact that she is TOXIC.

 

Once I realized how I'd let myself go and how I neglected my most basic needs it was easy to give up hope. In fact I didn't give up on hope- it gave up on me I guess!

 

I empathize with the original poster, though, as I held on to hope so many times for so very long. Every sitch is different and sometimes hope is a great thing. I have great hopes for my future and have rekindled a few of my long-lost dreams and aspirations.

 

Letting go is very hard to do. Letting go of hope is even harder. For me it happened in its own time rather than mine.

 

****************************

 

Hope is the Thing with Feathers

 

By: Emily Dickinson

 

"Hope" is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all,

 

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

 

I've heard it in the chillest land

And on the strangest sea,

Yet never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

 

***************************

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[norajane]

Instead of "never gonna happen" replace that with "there's better out there for me". Because there is - someone who actually WANTS to be with you and you will be the only one she has eyes for.

 

NC will help you - each contact puts you right back in the same place with you feeling bad about the break-up. You need to start feeling good about your own life and yourself and the possibilities that have opened up to you to meet someone you never imagined who can make you feel like you never imagined.

 

Try thinking, "I'm so looking forward to meeting my next love" instead of looking backwards at the old one who is already with someone else.

[hereandnow]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your post norajane. Funny how my little experiment with self-talk focused on the negative. Taking it to a positive level like you suggest sounds much better. Thanks again!

[MWH]

 

Try thinking, "I'm so looking forward to meeting my next love" instead of looking backwards at the old one who is already with someone else.

 

Great positive and forward-looking perspective- Thanks!

 

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[KissTheRain]

"In The end Zeus he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."

[XinvisablebgirlX]

I was with my ex for a little over a year, we were practically engaged. Then out of the blue he tells me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. No warning at all... didn't even tell me anything was wrong. He forced me into breaking up with him by being a jerk... and I still loved him... I should have gone NC from the start, but I couldn't. We would text or myspace, but never ever talk. I should have known. But since this week I got a new phone, and didn't put in his number. I deleted him from my myspace page... I have to get this guy out of my life totally. And no matter how much it is going to hurt, It has to be done. Hang in there. We can't be the only ones taking a long time to get over love.

[EmperorR]

Like they say hope dies last, a part of me is still clinging like a idiot.

[stray_cat]

i think we can't really kill our hopes. it will just die itself. however i believe that accepting what has happen can help a bit.

[MWH]

Like they say hope dies last, a part of me is still clinging like a idiot.

 

You're not an idiot- you're a human.

 

Hang in there!

 

Peace,

 

MWH

[gd26]

i think we can't really kill our hopes. it will just die itself. however i believe that accepting what has happen can help a bit.

 

I don't think one can force himself/herself to give up hope. I know I can't. If I try to force away my feelings, I only resist further.

 

However, by taking positive steps in our lives (such as getting out of the house, pursuing our own goals, spending time with friends/supportive people), we are at least putting the focus on ourselves rather than the other person. In time, the longing for the other person does become less intense. That's why I feel that hope has to die on its own by us not feeding it... we can't actually try to kill it, as that only keeps us stuck in pain much longer.