Apparently, I have wrecked his life

[Sheba]

How often could you stand to be told that you had "wrecked" your spouse's life before you ended the relationship?

 

My husband has said this to me several times and it hurts so much I am dizzy. I don't want to ruin his life. I don't want to ruin anyone's life.

 

The reason he says this to me is because I am sometimes insecure and ask him about whether he finds some woman more attractive than he finds me, or ask who he was sitting with while he was out at some event without me. He finds these sorts of questions insulting and accusatory. From my point of view, I am looking for reassurance - which I never get. We have a long history of him being very rejecting of me and have been through marriage counsellors and innumerable battles. I am not generally an insecure person, but am very insecure with respect to this relationship.

 

I try to be a good friend to my husband. I tell him I love him often and how attractive I find him. I am kind and supportive. Our life is stressful as we are dealing with his psychotic son and troubled teenagers, and we both have very stressful jobs. I feel often as if I am indeed a very good friend who offers good advice and help in dealing with home and work issues. My husband follows my advice and seems grateful for my help. It is hard for me to understand how, despite my affection and support , I have wrecked his life.

 

Despite that he says I ruin his life, my husband also says he does not want to get divorced. This is his fourth marriage, and he has said that he cannot take one more failure. I am left to wonder if he tolerates the relationship because he is demoralized by the thought of a fourth divorce. I am afraid to ask this question.

 

I don't know what to do or think. I often feel I should leave him, rather than continue to make his already difficult life even worse. And I need to take myself away from the pain - it is a very hard thing to love someone and want good things for them and yet to cause them such distress.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

How often could you stand to be told that you had "wrecked" your spouse's life before you ended the relationship?

 

My husband has said this to me several times and it hurts so much I am dizzy. I don't want to ruin his life. I don't want to ruin anyone's life.

 

The reason he says this to me is because I am sometimes insecure and ask him about whether he finds some woman more attractive than he finds me, or ask who he was sitting with while he was out at some event without me. He finds these sorts of questions insulting and accusatory. From my point of view, I am looking for reassurance - which I never get. We have a long history of him being very rejecting of me and have been through marriage counsellors and innumerable battles. I am not generally an insecure person, but am very insecure with respect to this relationship.

 

I try to be a good friend to my husband. I tell him I love him often and how attractive I find him. I am kind and supportive. Our life is stressful as we are dealing with his psychotic son and troubled teenagers, and we both have very stressful jobs. I feel often as if I am indeed a very good friend who offers good advice and help in dealing with home and work issues. My husband follows my advice and seems grateful for my help. It is hard for me to understand how, despite my affection and support , I have wrecked his life.

 

Despite that he says I ruin his life, my husband also says he does not want to get divorced. This is his fourth marriage, and he has said that he cannot take one more failure. I am left to wonder if he tolerates the relationship because he is demoralized by the thought of a fourth divorce. I am afraid to ask this question.

 

I don't know what to do or think. I often feel I should leave him, rather than continue to make his already difficult life even worse. And I need to take myself away from the pain - it is a very hard thing to love someone and want good things for them and yet to cause them such distress.

I, speaking as a male, am reading this and I cannot see how you have wrecked anything. I also think your husband isn't talking to you very nice, and isn't showing any consideration for how you feel. Some men would be flattered at the questions your asking him when trying to get reassurance. This is a sign you really care. There is also a possibility that he is feeling guilty about something from the reaction you're getting.

 

I think it is a decision of how far you too can compromise on both getting your happiness. I just don't think he is seeing the light that your unhappy, or he doesn't care. Is that something you can live with and what are you willing to do about it?

[Sheba]

I have tried. He asked me to get some professional help for my insecurity and I did spend a lot of time with and money on a psychologist, who said I was really not that insecure, except in relation to my marriage. I have also started taking antidepressants at my husband's request, but they really seem to have no effect on me whatsoever. I have lost a few pounds to feel better about my appearance and take care to look as good as possible at all times.

 

I have also tried to resist asking those questions he hates or to ask in a very careful way, but I seem to be incapable of controlling myself. I get stressed and blurt things out. It is as if I am starving and need to "eat" some reassurance.

 

Last night, my husband screamed at me that I had wrecked his life and I can only describe my reaction as devastation. I wanted to run away from him, but could only walk very slowly as it was as if my feet suddenly weighed a million pounds. I need to keep a grip on myself as I have teenagers living here with me and can't have them see me so distressed. Thankfully they were not around during the blow up lat night.

 

I wish I could find a way to solve this problem, but it has lasted years. And I can't bear the thought of wrecking someone's life. Could you?

[ReeWoo]

I have tried. He asked me to get some professional help for my insecurity and I did spend a lot of time with and money on a psychologist, who said I was really not that insecure, except in relation to my marriage. I have also started taking antidepressants at my husband's request, but they really seem to have no effect on me whatsoever. I have lost a few pounds to feel better about my appearance and take care to look as good as possible at all times.

 

I have also tried to resist asking those questions he hates or to ask in a very careful way, but I seem to be incapable of controlling myself. I get stressed and blurt things out. It is as if I am starving and need to "eat" some reassurance.

 

Last night, my husband screamed at me that I had wrecked his life and I can only describe my reaction as devastation. I wanted to run away from him, but could only walk very slowly as it was as if my feet suddenly weighed a million pounds. I need to keep a grip on myself as I have teenagers living here with me and can't have them see me so distressed. Thankfully they were not around during the blow up lat night.

 

I wish I could find a way to solve this problem, but it has lasted years. And I can't bear the thought of wrecking someone's life. Could you?

 

stop with the insecurity . . . most adults in a relationship/marriage expect their mate to be secure enough not to ask questions that 'scream that they are insecure.'

 

Has your husband cheated on you? Does he stare at other women or say things about how nice they look on a regular basis? Does he tell you that some other woman looks better than you (what I mean is, does he say that without you asking him first if another woman looks better than you.)

 

Insecurity . . . the doctor stated that you are not an insecure person except in your marriage. Fire that doctor and find one that can help you with your insecurity - geez, you and your husband already knew that.

 

By asking your husband you are setting the both of you up for fights and arguments. Even if in your mind you are not trying to pick a fight your husband only has one answer that he can give and not hurt your feelings. You seem very insecure and he knows that he can hurt you easily by saying that, "yes dear, compared to that woman you are rubbish." I'd expect that over the course of many years of you asking those questions that you will end up getting those types of answers.

 

Stop it! stop it now. Stop asking questions that will only spark fights, arguments and bad blood.

 

just do it, stop it.

 

Good Luck.

[Ronni_W]

Two things, really:

1. Tell your husband that you do not accept responsibility for the condition of his life (or any other adult's, for that matter.) That he is 100% responsible for his own thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, feelings and life circumstances.

 

2. Find a therapist or self-help resource that will help you to overcome your feelings of insecurity, etc.

From the other's perspective, those types of questions ARE accusatory and insulting...they CAN be perceived in exactly that way. The fact that you are also kind, supportive and compassionate does not lessen the impact of your insecurities, on others.

 

A few websites you may want to peruse:

coping.org; eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm; marriagebuilders.com (particularly all the 'basic concepts')

[Ronni_W]

and I did spend a lot of time with and money on a psychologist, who said I was really not that insecure, except in relation to my marriage.

 

THAT is precisely the insecurity that is causing the problems for you and your husband, so the psychologist really ought to have helped you explore it further instead of minimizing it the way s/he did.

If you do decide to go back into therapy, it is possible that your needs will be best served by a different therapist.

 

I have also started taking antidepressants at my husband's request,

 

If it's under the supervision of that same psychologist, all the more reason to find a different one and then work together to get you off that stuff.

Your husband is responsible for his own life, good or bad. Maybe HE ought to be on anti-depressants if he is feeling his life is "wrecked".

Point is to be more assertive and not just do what you are told to do by other people...make your own intelligent, well-informed decisions about your own health and well-being.

 

I have also tried to resist asking those questions ... but I seem to be incapable of controlling myself.

 

That isn't accurate -- you are powerful in your own life. Even according to that psychologist, you do have more than enough control over every other aspect of your life. This one area is just something that you've let slide a bit...in an honest albeit misguided effort to feel reassured.

 

You can regain your control over this area as well. Here is a quick & simple tool that may help you: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/45sRB_powerpause.htm

[carhill]

I would suggest any respondents read the following thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116489/

[Trialbyfire]

Last night, my husband screamed at me that I had wrecked his life and I can only describe my reaction as devastation.

Sheba, what kind of man would scream at their wives with such an accusation? What kind of man has four marriages, of which the fourth one is moving to failure? Who's the only constant within the confines of his four marriages?

[Geishawhelk]

Oh good grief!

 

I'd call it a day!

Really, I would!

There's only so much anyone can take.....

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I have tried. He asked me to get some professional help for my insecurity and I did spend a lot of time with and money on a psychologist, who said I was really not that insecure, except in relation to my marriage. I have also started taking antidepressants at my husband's request, but they really seem to have no effect on me whatsoever. I have lost a few pounds to feel better about my appearance and take care to look as good as possible at all times.

 

I have also tried to resist asking those questions he hates or to ask in a very careful way, but I seem to be incapable of controlling myself. I get stressed and blurt things out. It is as if I am starving and need to "eat" some reassurance.

 

Last night, my husband screamed at me that I had wrecked his life and I can only describe my reaction as devastation. I wanted to run away from him, but could only walk very slowly as it was as if my feet suddenly weighed a million pounds. I need to keep a grip on myself as I have teenagers living here with me and can't have them see me so distressed. Thankfully they were not around during the blow up lat night.

 

I wish I could find a way to solve this problem, but it has lasted years. And I can't bear the thought of wrecking someone's life. Could you?

I feel like you didn't even read what I had wrote in my previous post.

The problems are more with him than with you, yet you seem to carry the blame with you.

[melodymatters]

Dude, I went to therapy TWICE.

 

Both times because I was in a sh*tty relationship, both times, two different professionals basically said the problem wasn't with me, but that I was dating, or married to, A**HOLES !

 

 

Now, before i would ever consider therapy, I check my own head and do the a**hole test.

 

I swear, it works every time and saves a lot of effort !

 

If after 42 years, I can't trust my gut, I have bigger problems than which guy I'm swapping bodily fluids with !

[carhill]

Dude, I went to therapy TWICE.

 

Both times because I was in a sh*tty relationship, both times, two different professionals basically said the problem wasn't with me, but that I was dating, or married to, A**HOLES !

 

 

Now, before i would ever consider therapy, I check my own head and do the a**hole test.

 

I swear, it works every time and saves a lot of effort !

 

If after 42 years, I can't trust my gut, I have bigger problems than which guy I'm swapping bodily fluids with !

Wrong thread?

[melodymatters]

Wrong thread?

 

 

How so ?

 

The woman is going to therapy and taking SSRI's beacuse some dude is telling HER she has a problem ?!?

[Trialbyfire]

I'd say mel is bang on. Here's a guy who's been married 4 times, who's currently destroying his fourth marriage with his arseholeness.

[Benique]

How often could you stand to be told that you had "wrecked" your spouse's life before you ended the relationship?

 

My husband has said this to me several times and it hurts so much I am dizzy. I don't want to ruin his life. I don't want to ruin anyone's life.

 

The reason he says this to me is because I am sometimes insecure and ask him about whether he finds some woman more attractive than he finds me, or ask who he was sitting with while he was out at some event without me. He finds these sorts of questions insulting and accusatory. From my point of view, I am looking for reassurance - which I never get. We have a long history of him being very rejecting of me and have been through marriage counsellors and innumerable battles. I am not generally an insecure person, but am very insecure with respect to this relationship.

 

I try to be a good friend to my husband. I tell him I love him often and how attractive I find him. I am kind and supportive. Our life is stressful as we are dealing with his psychotic son and troubled teenagers, and we both have very stressful jobs. I feel often as if I am indeed a very good friend who offers good advice and help in dealing with home and work issues. My husband follows my advice and seems grateful for my help. It is hard for me to understand how, despite my affection and support , I have wrecked his life.

 

Despite that he says I ruin his life, my husband also says he does not want to get divorced. This is his fourth marriage, and he has said that he cannot take one more failure. I am left to wonder if he tolerates the relationship because he is demoralized by the thought of a fourth divorce. I am afraid to ask this question.

 

I don't know what to do or think. I often feel I should leave him, rather than continue to make his already difficult life even worse. And I need to take myself away from the pain - it is a very hard thing to love someone and want good things for them and yet to cause them such distress.

 

 

 

1. No one can ruin anyone`s life,unless this one wants that himself.

It`s the saying of weaky weak people ,immature emotionally ,that someone is / was ruining their life .

They do not admit they are weak by the way . But they are .

 

2.You are not to blame you want reassurances , it is your character,it is your nature ,and it is your right after all to ask your husband with whom he had his lunch or with whom he was sitting at some of the events he had recently been.

 

3.All you can do is to become more flexible,to make your own life more interesting as much as you can dealing with your problems as well ,

and to pay less attention to your husband`s words .

 

Do not stress yourself . Nor stress him . Just make your life more interesting and independent , you will need less and less assurances in your attractiveness day by day as your life will be just too full of events . Make it such .

 

 

Best of luck !

[carhill]

Wrong thread?

 

How so ?

 

The woman is going to therapy and taking SSRI's beacuse some dude is telling HER she has a problem ?!?

 

I thought Sheba is a woman, hence my confusion with "dude".

 

I believe Prosco and myself are the only "dudes" posting here and I don't think either of us mentioned therapy or drugs. IMO, I would have kicked that piece of work (the H) out the door a long time ago, but, then again, I'm a "dude"

[Trimmer]

I would suggest any respondents read the following thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116489/

 

I think that's important background for this situation. Sheba: I take it that the outcome of that series of counseling visits was not productive or long-lasting? Are you still dealing with the same issues?

[pelicanpreacher]

It sounds like you have developed a codependency obsession over your husband that has gotten out of control. Asking someone the same questions over and over and over again is bound to create exasperation and unnecessary tension in your marriage. Though I don't agree that you've ruined his life I do agree that you need to wean yourself of this tendency toward insecurity because in time it will albatross your marriage right into divorce court.

 

You might try joining a yoga class for it might help you to center yourself through self discipline enough to deflate this obsessive disorder currently ballooning within your psyche. You also might need to start indulging yourself in hobbies or interests that spur your intrinsic passions to take a vacation from yourself from time to time which will go a long way towards alleviating stress built up in your husand as a cause of your insecurities.

[daisydufas22]

How often could you stand to be told that you had "wrecked" your spouse's life before you ended the relationship?

 

My husband has said this to me several times and it hurts so much I am dizzy. I don't want to ruin his life. I don't want to ruin anyone's life.

 

The reason he says this to me is because I am sometimes insecure and ask him about whether he finds some woman more attractive than he finds me, or ask who he was sitting with while he was out at some event without me. He finds these sorts of questions insulting and accusatory. From my point of view, I am looking for reassurance - which I never get. We have a long history of him being very rejecting of me and have been through marriage counsellors and innumerable battles. I am not generally an insecure person, but am very insecure with respect to this relationship.

 

I try to be a good friend to my husband. I tell him I love him often and how attractive I find him. I am kind and supportive. Our life is stressful as we are dealing with his psychotic son and troubled teenagers, and we both have very stressful jobs. I feel often as if I am indeed a very good friend who offers good advice and help in dealing with home and work issues. My husband follows my advice and seems grateful for my help. It is hard for me to understand how, despite my affection and support , I have wrecked his life.

 

Despite that he says I ruin his life, my husband also says he does not want to get divorced. This is his fourth marriage, and he has said that he cannot take one more failure. I am left to wonder if he tolerates the relationship because he is demoralized by the thought of a fourth divorce. I am afraid to ask this question.

 

I don't know what to do or think. I often feel I should leave him, rather than continue to make his already difficult life even worse. And I need to take myself away from the pain - it is a very hard thing to love someone and want good things for them and yet to cause them such distress.

 

 

If someone told me (that I was married to) that I wrecked their life I would tell them to take responsibilty. Why? If they chose to stay despite me wrecking their life, then they are responsibile too! Does he blame you for everything else too?

 

I feel that your self esteem has been hurt and that you don't feel worthwhile. I am sorry that you are in that situation, it must be hard! However, the only advice I can give you is that your approach to asking your husband for reassurance (ie asking him questions) simply isn't working, so you may need to take another approach. Could I suggest individual counselling? Just to help you with your self esteem.