Wife told me last night she wants to separate

[comike]

My story is a common one in this forum: my wife told me that she can't stay in this marriage anymore because even though she loves me the magic has gone away. I feel devastated and I've been a wreck all day, mostly when I think of our daughters (16 and 12) and how they will suffer from this. It's almost unbearable.

 

[i must admit that I have noticed the magic dissolving these last few years, but I guess I was in denial. I have been working through some issues that I know have put a strain on our relationship such as letting her make all the important decisions (and even most of the minor ones...where to eat), and having my identity so tied into hers that I don't know where I begin and she ends. I have suffocated her at times. I have been to individual counseling for these and have made strides, but I'm afraid I may be too little too late. I'm starting to feel that a separation is the only thing that can save my marriage; [i]I[/i] need the alone time and space to find me again. There is no animosity between us, just a profound sadness and a wishing that things were different.

 

I have read about the three-month separation rule where in a 90 day separation the couple goes through a "rebuilding", if both parties are willing, through a counselor. My wife agreed to this but she let me know that mostly it feels like it's over but there is a glimmer of hope in her that makes her willing to try. Does anyone have advice on this?

 

Sorry for the long post, but writing this has been the only thing that has made me feel better all day.

 

comike

[LakesideDream]

Comike, Even though your wife came up with a novel way of saying it "magic gone", the truth is that you just heard the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you", undoubetly combined with a "I need space" for personal growth no doubt.

 

Each week there are a few new posters with your same basic story. They all get the same advice. They all say that's not true in my situation, then in a week, or two or three, they find out it is true. Some things never change.

 

The truth you don't want to hear, (but probably came here to hear) is that your wife, actually STBXW (soon to be ex wife) has a new man in her life. In the vast majority of these things she's already having sex with him.

 

If you want to know "for sure" there are things you can do. Technology is a wonderful thing for BS's (betrayed spouse) You can check her phone and email on her computer. If necessary you can install keylogging software to capture her typing, passwords, etc.

 

I realize that this is the farthest thing from your mind. It's hard to be faithful and realize that your spouse isn't. Get your mind wrapped around it, because that's what's happening to you.

 

You might want to read some of the other threads here. They are so similar it will frighten and depress you. That's where it starts though.

 

It will get better. I promise. Keep in mind that you never get over this stuff, you learn to live through it. Best of luck, keep posting, there is help here.

[Ronni_W]

Comike,

What you have going strongly in your favour is that you are totally aware of your own contribution to the downward spiral of your marriage.

 

I disagree with Lakeside that it is a 100%, carved-in-stone "fact" that there is someone else. It is just a 50/50 possibility until it is confirmed...or found to be inaccurate.

In any case, if you do want to keep open all the doors and windows for a reconciliation, I'd not suggest to start spying on her -- that will LOSE trust and not build anything positive.

 

If I could also encourage you to not allow the 'doom & gloom' of others to get into your own heart or mind...they do not know your wife or you or your circumstances, so are just projecting their own history onto your situation.

 

If you have not yet made an appointment with a marriage counselor, I urge you to do that soonest. As well, it may be beneficial to find one who is familiar with the goals and strategies of that '90 day separation' process that you're both interested in. (Given that you are also feeling a need for some personal space, it sounds like a good alternative for both of you, right now.)

 

You may also find helpful articles at marriagebuilders.com

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is especially rough at this time of year. (((hugs)))

[LakesideDream]

Comike, look on the page for Skinmans thread it started just like yours. He defended her uniformly until he found her douches and "cooter shaver" left out when he came to pick up his child. Now he knows.

 

 

Comike,

What you have going strongly in your favour is that you are totally aware of your own contribution to the downward spiral of your marriage.

 

I disagree with Lakeside that it is a 100%, carved-in-stone "fact" that there is someone else. It is just a 50/50 possibility until it is confirmed...or found to be inaccurate.

In any case, if you do want to keep open all the doors and windows for a reconciliation, I'd not suggest to start spying on her -- that will LOSE trust and not build anything positive.

 

If I could also encourage you to not allow the 'doom & gloom' of others to get into your own heart or mind...they do not know your wife or you or your circumstances, so are just projecting their own history onto your situation.

 

If you have not yet made an appointment with a marriage counselor, I urge you to do that soonest. As well, it may be beneficial to find one who is familiar with the goals and strategies of that '90 day separation' process that you're both interested in. (Given that you are also feeling a need for some personal space, it sounds like a good alternative for both of you, right now.)

 

You may also find helpful articles at marriagebuilders.com

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is especially rough at this time of year. (((hugs)))

[mendsley]

Hey Comike, i have to say I have been exactly where you are and I was really turned off by the whole my wife is seperating me to try to build a future with another man. Well after that was brought up I decided to check into what she has been doing and to my suprise she was seeing someone else, for months before I found out. I'm not saying that is what is going on with your situation but you have to understand that it COULD be a possibility. Another thing I learned thru all of this is the people here have really good advice and you should take everything said here with heart and know that pretty much all that has been said to me was really GOOD advice. The only advice I can give you is tension, anger, jealousy and any negative pressure is very bad right now. She is looking for a reason to move on with out you and all that negative pressure will push her right along to her decision. I have tried many things to get some type of answers about our future with her and it only leads to heart break and fights. Just be nice, be supportive, talk to her about her feelings, be understanding, and most important do not contact her all the time. The advice I got from my counselor gave me was think of it like this, you throw the ball to her and wait for her to throw it back. If you keep running up to pick up the ball to throw it to her it will keep pushing her back. I hope I have helped and not rambled too much

[carhill]

Skinman's thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170020/

 

Take your time with it, but appreciate its scope of 411 posts (so far) in a little over a month.

 

Your W sees only her truth. Accept that and move forward.

[SingleDad]

Separation is not the answer - believe me I know... It is just a way to learn to live apart and live her life in secret.

 

Instead - try to re-ignite your fire my dating your wife again. Romantic evenings.

 

Realize that your W is either in an emotional affair or a physical affair - and you are competing against that.

 

Most of all your have to do what you feel is right in your heart and soul, as well as what is right for your daughters.

 

Right now doing what is right will be the only thing that will let you sleep soundly at night now and for years to come.

[comike]

Thanks everyone for your posts. I appreciate the advice.

 

I did ask her if she was seeing anyone in any intimate capacity and she said no. I'm inclined to believe her. One thing I didn't mention in my original post is that we have gone through these 6 month cycles for the last few years to where she would tell me that she isn't happy and is thinking that we should separate. Since I didn't want to end the marriage I would try to get my act together through therapy and changing my behavior and things would start to look up again for a while. Lately we have both realized that her depression has contributed to our unhappy marriage as well. I think that she tends to blame our marriage for her being unhappy and that if she were alone she would still be unhappy but less so. She started therapy a month ago but it hasn't been long enough to see results. I was hoping that by her getting help with depression that she would come to realize that I'm not the bad guy and that our marriage can benefit her state of mind. Of course I have my issues, but I feel like I'm a really good husband and father and that she would be making a mistake to leave me.

 

I know that some of you will think that I'm in lala land with this situation, but I'm not quite ready to give up hope for many reasons. I know the odds are stacked against me, but if this all goes south on me I will walk away and try to start a new life without her, and I will know that I tried as hard as I could. We will all be ok.

[whichwayisup]

She has to fix herself, continue counselling for her depression, maybe be on meds before choosing to separate and/or end the marriage. It isn't fair to your kids, let alone you, right now during the holidays.

 

How bad is her depression? Is she functional or does she lay in bed, can't get much accomplished? Because if her depression is bad, YOU are the stable parent and splitting up is NOT the answer, even if she thinks it is.

 

She isn't thinking with a clear head, so hopefully her therapy will help.

 

I suggest you do some reading up on the awful D (depression, not divorce) google depressionfallout, there's alot of helpful info there. Try to help her in any way you can, make life easier on her, and hopefully in time she'll realize running away isn't the answer.

[comike]

On a scale from 1-10 I would say her depression is 6. She has been taking meds for about a month, but they usually don't really start to show benefit until the two month mark. I really hate to see her so unhappy and I'm trying my best to not be source. Her thinking is that we were doomed from the beginning but I feel that much of that doom came from her not dealing with these issues and it has finally come to an apex. She is a good mother and she would be just fine with the girls on her own, but things would be much better if we didn't split and worked this out. The holidays have been tough, but we have decided to not mar christmas by splitting up now. We have decided that we should separate around the middle of January after we take care of a few things. The therapist that she has been seeing is also a marriage counselor and she has agreed to see her as a couple after the holidays. Unfortunately, the therapist has been on vacation and has not been available.

[comike]

After a few days and several discussions I am realizing that my marriage is beyond repair. In my last post I said that she agreed to see a therapist, well that's gone out the window. We continue to be amicable but she has shut down that part of her that loved me. She feels like hell for creating this mess and I don't want her to take all the blame but she has all the cards. I'm starting to feel like I need to park my hope somewhere deep (not gone altogether though, just deep), and start thinking about my future without her. That's tough to type.

 

I'm really struggling with breaking the news to my girls. As I said before, we are waiting to tell the until next month, and some of the other posts I have read from people with children are brutal. I think my 16 year old daughter will deal with it ok but my 12 year old daughter is a little more brittle. Can anyone who has had similar experiences share their story of how the children took the news and what was the aftermath?

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife agreed to this but she let me know that mostly it feels like it's over but there is a glimmer of hope in her that makes her willing to try. Does anyone have advice on this?

Translation: It's over but I want to let you down easy because I need your financial support and help with the kids.

 

Make your plans accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trimmer]

I'm really struggling with breaking the news to my girls. As I said before, we are waiting to tell the until next month, and some of the other posts I have read from people with children are brutal. I think my 16 year old daughter will deal with it ok but my 12 year old daughter is a little more brittle. Can anyone who has had similar experiences share their story of how the children took the news and what was the aftermath?

I went through this a few years ago. Here is a thread with some great advice I was given by some of the LS regulars of that era. My kids were quite different ages (6 and 8) at the time than yours are now, but perhaps some of the advice will still resonate.

 

As far as the aftermath, its really something that plays out over time. I think we're doing OK, as we (the parents and former spouses) have really been thoughtful about maintaining a supportive parental relationship and getting it right for the kids, even as our marriage has been dissolved. Not to say that the kids didn't suffer a loss, and still feel and experience it in different ways as time goes on, but a loss properly supported is survivable in a healthy way.

[comike]

Trimmer: I read through the thread you recommended and it did have some good advice in there. I got that no age is an ideal age for that discussion, even toddlers will be affected in some way.

 

I'm just so confused right now. I'm at the point to where I'm starting to look to a recovery and not so much to reconcile with my W. I know that I will have a long painful battle no matter which way I go, but I started looking at the statistics for children of divorced parents and it just horrifies me to think that no matter how amicable and supportive the W and I are, we are throwing are girls into some pretty choppy waters.

 

I have to admit that It makes me feel less pain to think about divorce and moving on instead of trying and hoping for my marriage, but when I think of my girls I have to think about reconciliation, so I ordered the Divorce Remedy book that a few people from other threads in LS have suggested. I love my wife and I wish she didn't feel like she wants to separate, so this is going to be extremely difficult at best.