New to the forums

[alexmike]

I've just joined the forums having searched for an appropriate site to talk about stuff like this.

I'm a 25 year old guy who lives in SW London and currently I want to to get something bugging me off my chest and see what responses I get.

 

I have known this girl that I am in love with since we were little kids (about 2 years old). We were best friends but when my family moved to Bristol when I was about 8 years old we completely lost contact. I found out about 6 years ago that she had been suffering from anorexia and was even on suicide at one point (I was travelling around Canada at the time but was heart broken when I found this out). I told my mum (who is friends with her parents) to say hi to her. However when I finished travelling and started at university I completely forgot about her again but about 3 years ago I just happened to hear a conversation my mum was having with my dad about how this girl was blaming her mum for us losing contact with each other.

 

I then asked my mum for her contact details and we then began talking to each other again which felt fantastic. I was on the middle of finishing my studies but once they were over I met up with her again. The whole coach journey to Bournemouth (where she now lives) felt very nervy as it was over 10 years since I last saw her. We had a wonderful time together but I found out via my mum that she was seeing someone which made me feel horrible and I didn't hear from her again for a long time. She eventually split up with this guy but then went back into hospital because of her low weight.

 

I met up with her after she left and we had a wonderful time together sharing many hugs but she then started seeing someone else a month later which left me devastated (I nearly pulled out of a half marathon I was due to run in a few days after I found out). My mum just kept on saying to me that I was barking up the wrong tree because of her problems which I didn't really appreciate with my dad being a bit more understanding. I got a text from her on New Years Eve (last year) saying that I was special to her and then 4 months later I got an email from her then boyfriend asking if I was able to go down to Bournemouth for a surprise dinner to help her celebrate finishing her nursing course. I went down and she was pleasantly surprised to see me (even if it was hard seeing her with this guy). Only a couple of weeks later she split up with this guy and I felt ecstatic.

 

When she was next in London (June this year) to see an old school friend of hers I met up with he briefly while she was waiting for the coach and I confessed to her that I love her and that I thought she was the most wonderful person I had ever met. She seemed a bit surprised by this and didn't really say much followed by a nervous laugh. I then didn't see her for a couple of months when I went down to Bournemouth to see her where she apologised for not getting in contact with me for a while because what I said kind of surprised her. I told her that the thing that worried me most was the possibility of losing her as a friend but she said there was no danger of that which was a relief. That weekend we shared a few kisses and snogs which felt great and I left in good spirit.

 

We then met up a couple more times, the second time being when she opened up a bit about her anorexia. I don't think thats something you talk about to regular people and the fact she hugged me a lot and grabbed my arm to wrap herself around it could only be a good sign.

She is going to be in Egypt with her family over christmas and new year and in the the last few weeks I had been preparing a letter to her to tell her just how much she means to me and how happy she makes me feel (it would be opened on her birthday which is on the 27th Dec). I was going to try and have some flowers sent over to her but it was too expensive so I was going to have some delivered to her flat when she got back.

 

Yesterday I met up with her when she was going to go to a party (with a male friend, or so I thought) when she arrived on the coach I travelled with her to Ealing and gave her a christmas present and card along with the birthday card which had the hand written letter inside. When I tried to find out whether she was going to be in her flat on the first weekend of the new year she said she wasn't sure as she thought this male friend she was meeting up with might be coming over. I commented about the fact she was meeting up with this guy quite a bit recently and then she said they were seeing each other. This guy happened to be someone who used to live next to her gran.

When she said this I began to cry and then she said she thought I knew and wouldn't have said it so bluntly if I hadn't known.

 

When we arrived at the destination she gave me a hug and I started to cry again. She said sorry for upsetting me but I told her not to apologise because I cannot hate her. I then asked that she made sure the letter I wrote got to Egypt with her and she read it and she said it will. She asked me to text her later to let her know if I was ok but I haven't as I wasn't in the mood and I haven't heard anything from her.

 

With Christmas coming up and finding out the previous day that I hadn't been selected for a job interview I feel as low as I have been for a very long time. I have suffered from depression since I was about 15 and this girl was the only bit of happiness that I have at the moment. Because of what we have both been through and how long we have known each other I feel we are destined for one another. I can only hope that she is touched by what I have written in the letter and that something may happen as I feel like I have lost her.

Wow, I didn't expect to write so much about this. I'll leave it there and I look forward to writing again and hearing what other people have to say.

 

Thanks very much

Alex

[norajane]

I'd suggest you look around and see if there are any other girls you might be interested in. Maybe you two will end up together at some point, but it seems your timing is off and you don't see each other often enough to develop a real relationship.

 

Not to mention, she has issues (anorexia) and you have issues (depression) - it's difficult to have a healthy relationship when neither of you is psychologically healthy to begin with.

 

Work on getting your head together first. And make friends with people who are actually located in your city.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Oh, and more people might read your posts if you break them up into short paragraphs. It's hard to read long blocks of text on a computer screen.

[alexmike]

Hey there, thanks for the reply and yes you are right. It is hard to read it as it is!!!

Anyway, I'm going to Berlin with the family tomorrow and we come back on Saturday so this'll be my last post before I get back.

 

I guess the fact I wrote so much about this girl shows how much I care about her but having NEVER been in a relationship in the past (and I'm 25 now, not some lonely teenager) I cannot see myself being with anyone but her.

 

I love her so much and yes I know she has had problems in the past and probably hasn't fully recovered from them (if it is possible to fully recover from something as horrible as anorexia) but do you think its a bit worrying that this is the only woman I think I will ever have a chance of marrying and being together with? I know we are currently in different cities but she has let me know on numerous occasions how special I am to her.

 

If I am that special, then surely I'm getting in the way of her being in a relationship with other guys? I'd like to think that she is thinking about how upset I was when she said what she said on Friday and that I will never leave her life again.

[norajane]

If she has been seeing other men, then no, she doesn't have her heart set on you the way you have yours set on her. You may be special to her in a friendship kind of way, not a romantic love kind of way. Don't just read what you want into her saying you are special - you need to know what that means to her.

 

And trying to appeal to her by showing how upset you are is NOT the way to win a girl over. That only makes a girl feel sorry for you - it does not inspire passion and longing.

 

I think you'd have a better chance of inspiring desire in her by being less available and by dating other women...perhaps if you started dating someone, she might realize that you aren't hers to pick up whenever she's done dating everyone else.

 

Have a life of your own. And have love of your own - maybe you've fixated on her because you haven't experienced love otherwise. You might be surprised how unimportant she becomes when you meet someone and fall in love with someone else.

[alexmike]

Well thats it. While writing the last message I got her text from her apologising for what she said to me on Friday and saying that she really cares about me but didn't want anything other than our friendship. At least I know but I feel SO depressed and am on the verge of tears. I need to sort myself out ASAP before I fly off to Berlin tomorrow otherwise I'm not going to be good company for the family. Someone please reply and let me know I'm not alone because I'm really struggling at the moment

[norajane]

I'm sorry you're hurting. It always is hard to find out that the person you are interested in doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

However, I think this is the best thing that's happened in this whole saga. Now you know, there are no unanswered questions. This FREES you!

 

You can now turn your attention to all the lovely women you have been passing up while being so fixated on her. You are free of this dead-end!!!

 

The possibilities are now endless!

[letters]

I'd suggest you look around and see if there are any other girls you might be interested in. Maybe you two will end up together at some point, but it seems your timing is off and you don't see each other often enough to develop a real relationship.

 

Not to mention, she has issues (anorexia) and you have issues (depression) - it's difficult to have a healthy relationship when neither of you is psychologically healthy to begin with.

 

Work on getting your head together first. And make friends with people who are actually located in your city.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Oh, and more people might read your posts if you break them up into short paragraphs. It's hard to read long blocks of text on a computer screen.

oh, you sweet pea! reading your story touched my heart, it felt like I was reading a novel lol! But I understand where you are coming from; although like other commentators here, I would like to tell you to leave her, but I recognise how hard it might be. Depression, ah! tell me about it, it maddened to read some comments here about you being depressed, and hence must not get another baggage (the anorexic chic), If you end up leaving her, let it not be because of her pains, but because it'd be the right thing for both you. You sound like you have a good heart, it's a pity she hasn't quite seen. I was foolish like her before.

[letters]

oh, you sweet pea! reading your story touched my heart, it felt like I was reading a novel lol! But I understand where you are coming from; although like other commentators here, I would like to tell you to leave her, but I recognise how hard it might be. Depression, ah! tell me about it, it maddened to read some comments here about you being depressed, and hence must not get another baggage (the anorexic chic), If you end up leaving her, let it not be because of her pains, but because it'd be the right thing for both you. You sound like you have a good heart, it's a pity she hasn't quite seen. I was foolish like her before.

[Sw3etdev1L]

Look, my opinion is going to be really harsh ok? So I hope that before you get angry, that you really consider my opinion and think about it.

I had depression when I was like 13 until 20...it developed into major depression, I had a nervious breakdown and had to go to the doctor to get some treatment.

After that harsh experience, I entered into medical school and I am studying nutrition.

I believe your relationship with this girl is not a healthy one.

it's normal for a person who considers he's got a problem to project itself to another person who has a deep problem...these two people project themselves because of their problems right? and...the future is a problem. why?

anorexia is a severe disease.. I mean, it is NOT a joke. it is not a playground, it is a psychiatric disease which is treated with a psychologic therapy, a psychiatrist, a general doctor and a nutritionist. It is a whole team treating this patient.

But it is the person who has got the disease who has to learn how to control its own mind, and if she wants help she will get it..normally, you are talking about people who are very self centered, and they see a very negative side of life, but at the same time they want to be and feel perfect. They treat this patients with anti depressives.

There's few girls who grow old into healthy people, but theres a lot of them who stuggle until they are 50 yrs old from anorexia.

From what you are telling me, if she has been in the hospital it is because.....she had a huge problem!.

you cannot love someone who doesn't love herself first.

and you cannot love a person because you feel down and feel your projection to her...

if you KNOW you have a problem with depression, I seriously advice you to go to the doctor. A lot of people have a serious depression problem and they don't even know it, like I did!!!.. and they treat it and it goes away.

Truth is, the psyche is very complex.....

What you have in your unconscious mind, you search for someone similar to you...why? because you feel safe there.

But is it safe to have two individuals who are inner struggling with their own minds and lifestyles?

is that going to make you happy...parting from the place in which I can assure you...

Everybody is here for a reason, and it is within you and you only the one who is responsable for your own actions and your working for your own happiness?...

I mean... Anorexia is like a drug. If she would quit her mind drug hating herself and killing herself,,she'd like herself, and struggle to be happy, and construct something positive...then.....would you still like her?

what is your bond?....if its a negative one. where is that going to take you?

I believe, this girls needs a lot of attention. Not negative attention. She needs to get out of herself and be happy, start giving a little more to the one she is involved with....and then she will be able to love.

If you are a depressed man, being in love with a depressed and sick woman.. You guys, where is that going to take you?

first you have to solve your own issues.

open up for life, get healthy, love yourself...stop being depressed!, learn how to control your ways of thinkings. Depression is just a mental state but it can be also a physical. Check it out!...

go talk to a doctor, see what he tells you.......clear your head a little. Open up your eyes!!!.. Search out for the worlds opportunities which has so many grandiouse things in front of your eyes and sometimes you are not able to appreciate them, learn how to produce your happiness!!!; knock on different doors..and opportunities, stop caring about the closed doors...until one is open!!!..

love yourself....

and if you truly love this woman, even if she is sick..you can help her.

but!!

you have to know......it is HARD.

she is full of negativity in her mind...can't look clear into the exterior of your own head!..

well...as you've seen I am very spiritual but...

I can only tell you something.

Love yourself, help yourself.....but even if you want or feel she neds your help and needs everything, love and stuff...She will not make it, if she doesn't start with her own will, and her own soul...and a person who doesn't love herself...is very difficult she might actually give yourself what you need...

I mean...if you are depressive...you might even feed your depression more by looking at someone you love hurt hurself so much and so constant. Life is not here to suffer. Life is a prescious gift for us to choose our own ways. A set of memories, you create each and every single moment. You don't have time to waste...

what would you want to change?

I mean...I've been in intensive care this last semester....

doctors check your vital signs every hour, and every hour it changes.

Know how to appreciate your life, each and every hour...with someone who will know how to appreciate each and every hour of her life with you.

I am sorry if I turn out to be very direct. and hope this helps for the best of you guys.

[alexmike]

Hello again,

Well I'm back in England having spent the last few days in Berlin with the rest of the family. While I did have a good time, at 25 I do not want to go on another holiday with my parents again for various reasons. The main one being that I couldn't just cry and be sad over what had happened before I left with the girl and her telling me that she never wanted more than our friendship (which she values very much and she said that she really loves me as a friend).

 

I just couldn't get her off my mind and today has been the worst as its her birthday today. She is abroad herself with her family over xmas and new year but she made a promise to me that she would read the letter I had written for her which I put in her birthday card where I talked about just how much I care about her and how much she means to me. Of course I wrote all this before I found out about her being with this other guy which left me in tears. I'm terrified at how she is going to react to what I wrote and pray that I hear something back from her soon.

 

My mind is all over the place and while people here seem to be saying that I should forget about her and move on I literally cannot. I cannot bear the thought of losing contact with her again and it just kills me thinking about it. I want her to stay in my life and want to make a promise to each other that whatever happens to us in the future, we will always be there for each other (she has said in texts apologising for being blunt when she told me about the guy she was seeing that I do mean a lot to her and hopes that I know that and that things won't change) and maybe a few years later our paths could cross (if I was religious I'd pray to God every night for this).

 

My mum has been really annoying me by saying that I should stay away from her as she is not well and that she will break my heart. While my mum is right in that she is not well (anorexia as explained recently but she has finished her nursing course and has a job now), even this girl's own mother is saying that she will always be like this and that she won't get better which I find hard to believe. Its as if they are giving up on her already. I want to be there for her during all the hard knocks she may take in the future.

 

I think once I wake up tomorrow morning I will have a proper cry over the events of the last week as I don't think I really have done yet but then the wait carrys on for when she gets back from her holiday and hoping I get some sort of response. Its really sad but I'm thinking of possibly phoning an escort seeing as the one and only time I've had sex was over 2 years ago and I feel really lonely at this moment in time. I see the possibility of meeting other girls but I'd rather run a mile in the opposite direction as I thought I was making all the right moves with this girl but its all for nothing. My lack of experience (ie. none) really shows and I just have no idea how to not get caught on the friendship ladder without acting like a jerk.

 

2008 has finished in the worst possible way and now I am full of dread for 2009

[Shnuggles]

Hmm that was a big read. There are some great reply's so I hope you read them well.

 

I have to admit I dont see whats so special about this girl. She is very ill, is with a new guy every time you see her and only wants you as a friend. On top of that you have never had an actual relationship with anyone and obsess about her daily. No wonder you have depression dude, I feel sorry for you.

 

I too have been stuck with a girl in my head and the only cure is to move on. Seriously, go out with your friends and find a girl. Its not too hard at your age and you seem pretty smart.

 

You will find she isnt really all that special when you find another girl to replace your broken heart. You will soon wonder why the hell you obsessed over someone like that and kick yourself.

 

Also, telling somone you love them and want to be with them isnt the best idea if you dont know they have strong feelings for you as well. Girls dont like needy guys. Be tough, supportive and stand up for yourself.

 

Good luck my friend.

[alexmike]

Thanks for the reply man. While I appreciate your reply, this is a girl I care for so much. While everyone around her seems to be abandoning her and saying she is a lost cause I cannot forget about her like that. I know that she seems to be with a different guy quite a few times but I really want to be ther for her to get over the worst.

 

I know I am not helping myself and while I pray that something might happen in the future when she is a bit better, she will always have a special place in my heart. Maybe you are right and that I should just give her space for the time being but I want to make that promise to her about never losing contact again.

 

This still feels very tough and I do wonder how I will get through it as I don't know the first thing about starting a relationship and it gets a bit annoying when friends keep on telling me that I have a big heart and will be a great catch for someone when nothing happens.