Why do I have a bad feeling?

[LoveLace]

You know how I feel about my friend C, how he's an awesome guy, cute, etc...and that we said we're only friends and he's faithful to his LDR girl, etc. Hanging out with him one night bummed me out a little because we had so much fun, but at the same time I've decided to be grateful for a friendship with a good guy that won't try to get me in the sack.

 

Lately I complained to him some about some other guys in my life, though...about dating in general. Upon doing that I apologized for using him as a "punching bag" of sorts because he's one of "the good ones". But I admitted that right now I'm not the biggest fan of the opposite sex, for various reasons.

 

One reason is because the only guys who seem to want me are guys that I only like as a friend. There are 2 that would do anything for me and I've known them for years but they can't seem to get the hint that I'm not interested! But they are my friends, so I try to keep my space without seeming mean. For gosh sakes, one guy doesn't even have a car/job, the other one has a long-time girlfriend! See...only the wrong kinds!

 

Last night a group of us went to see C's band because they were right in our neighborhood. Again, among us were 2 guys that have always fired on me despite my non-interest, and they both tried to offer me a place to "crash" last night when I knew darn well what they were really wanting...another one kept getting too close and violating my space, driving me nuts...

 

Poor C had to listen to me crab about it after the show when we talked...told him I'm tired of there always being alternative motives behind these guys who are supposed to be my "friends"...I told him I valued my friendship with him just because I know he won't try getting me in bed...and I told him I don't want to be the kind of girl to someone (meaning him) as those guys are to me....and C said "Yea and I don't want to be that kind of dude!"....and suddenly there was silence for a minute...awkwardness...we then chatted a little more and he said he had to get going as he had a long drive home. We hugged, and by then all my friends had left and C didn't even offer to walk outside with me...which is something he'd normally do...but I said I was going to finish my beer 1st anyway...then he just got his stuff and walked out the door without looking back to wave bye or anything...it was like suddenly he was pissy or something....I don't know how to describe how weird it felt or why. Maybe he was just in a hurry to get home...maybe he was crabby...I was tired myself so maybe not the most pleasurable company.

 

This morning was funny because I found a flyer on my car about his band playing on New Year's...I emailed him about it and joked that I got my NYE ticket so his promoters can stop following me around, ha-ha. I knew he had to work today, and he always checks his mail and writes back while he's at work. But oddly he didn't do that today. Normally he'd joke with me in return. I don't know why I feel like something's wrong, as though I might have said something wrong...is it all in my head?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, LL.

Hate to say it but sounds like you started "using" him as we do our chick friends. No matter what a great guy he is, I'm guessing that can't be a role that he is too comfortable in.

 

Not sure the best course of next action...perhaps when you have the appropriate time, let him know that you've been re-thinking using him as your 'venting machine' for your dating/man woes, and how does he feel about that? -- you'll invite his feedback and be able to find out if it has been bothering him, or if all is well with the friendship.

[LoveLace]

Hugs, LL.

Hate to say it but sounds like you started "using" him as we do our chick friends. No matter what a great guy he is, I'm guessing that can't be a role that he is too comfortable in.

 

Not sure the best course of next action...perhaps when you have the appropriate time, let him know that you've been re-thinking using him as your 'venting machine' for your dating/man woes, and how does he feel about that? -- you'll invite his feedback and be able to find out if it has been bothering him, or if all is well with the friendship.

 

Yea perhaps my "weird" feeling is because I feel guilty for "using" per say. And of course that isn't how it's supposed to look, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't feel that way about it...

 

I think its best to just not bring it up or talk to him about the guys again...

 

Tonight they were playing in our 'hood again so we caught the last set of music, but this time I kept my distance because of the whole "weird" feeling and just enjoyed the music. After that was over, my friends and I sat at the bar with our last drink and for the 1st time since I've watched them play, for some reason I made it a point to just act like he wasn't there...planned on leaving without even saying hi...

 

Then what do ya know, I turn around to leave and he's standing there with a blonde...he blurted "LL!" as if he hadn't seen me in a while (but he just saw me last night)...I had a feeling this was his girlfriend. He introduced me to her as the girl he went to the charity ball with (couple weeks ago)...I handled it pretty well..shook her hand with a smile and said "nice to meet you!" and wished them a merry xmas...I didn't feel very awkward myself, but I felt awkwardness from her side...naturally, I guess.

 

He knew I'd probably make my appearance since they were playing near my place...and apparently he invited her or they planned to be together tonight, whatever...but it's clear that he didn't fore-warn her that I might be there or anything of that sort...because he acted somewhat surprised to see me...

 

I guess my weird feeling came from somehow knowing this was about to happen...my instinct told me to keep my distance tonight and look what happened! Now that is weird!

[Ronni_W]

Yep, it is kinda weird -- I guess on the plus side, your intuition seems to be functioning very well.

 

Also kinda weird that he felt the need to act "surprised" to see you and as if you hadn't seen each other in a while...and that she seemed "awkward" -- or is that just my over-active imagination? ? (Pro'ly he couldn't forewarn her cos that would've meant revealing that he is in closer contact with you than he apparently wants her to know about -- maybe blonde lady got trust issues or sumtin'?)

[LoveLace]

Yep, it is kinda weird -- I guess on the plus side, your intuition seems to be functioning very well.

 

Also kinda weird that he felt the need to act "surprised" to see you and as if you hadn't seen each other in a while...and that she seemed "awkward" -- or is that just my over-active imagination? ? (Pro'ly he couldn't forewarn her cos that would've meant revealing that he is in closer contact with you than he apparently wants her to know about -- maybe blonde lady got trust issues or sumtin'?)

 

Yea it's like, he has nothing to hide, but then again he does...

 

It also so happened that his gf was standing right by my friends and I waiting for C. So he had to walk right by us to meet her, but he acted like he didn't notice us until I turned around to leave. And I didn't notice until then either because I chose not to look for him that night. My back was turned to them so he stood there and talked to her without me even knowing he was right behind me! It's as though I unknowingly did an outstanding job of appearing incognito...at the right time. So I have a feeling he's thankful it all happened like that...and I'm glad I didn't care if he noticed me or not...otherwise I would have stumbled over the gf being there.

 

I can't help but wonder if he arranged the whole thing on purpose per say...cuz she lives 2 hours away, wasn't there Friday night, but suddenly was last night (as he suspected I would be, too.). The very next night after seeing me with a group of 3 guys...I don't know maybe he wanted to test me a little...maybe my reaction to meeting his gf was something he wanted to evaluate...to see if I what I say about our friendship is true...which it is. The friendship is a lot more important to me than any feelings of mine because they are just lust type feelings I think - total admiration if you will. The idea of testing me sounds silly, but it's not unlike me to run all possibilities through my mind...

[Ronni_W]

You're right...lots of possible scenarios that make equal sense.

 

Perhaps she'd decided some time ago, to only come in for Saturday/Sunday; also that he genuinely didn't recognize your back -- then again, he would have seen you in the crowd when he was on stage...one could be pretty sure of that, I do believe.

 

Definitely some puzzles, though. My take is that he also has a...let's call it a "crush" on you. And doing his best to bide his time and let that dissipate on its own because he is in relationship. So...maybe it was testing HIMSELF and his own reactions, and not you at all?

 

Yes, your own role seems to have been perfect, nevermind that some of it was from a more non-aware pace.

How are you doing in terms of not over-taxing your mind with all the possibilities? I'd be having a challenging time putting it all out of my mind...hopefully that isn't happening to you.

[LoveLace]

You're right...lots of possible scenarios that make equal sense.

 

Perhaps she'd decided some time ago, to only come in for Saturday/Sunday; also that he genuinely didn't recognize your back -- then again, he would have seen you in the crowd when he was on stage...one could be pretty sure of that, I do believe.

 

Definitely some puzzles, though. My take is that he also has a...let's call it a "crush" on you. And doing his best to bide his time and let that dissipate on its own because he is in relationship. So...maybe it was testing HIMSELF and his own reactions, and not you at all?

 

Yes, your own role seems to have been perfect, nevermind that some of it was from a more non-aware pace.

How are you doing in terms of not over-taxing your mind with all the possibilities? I'd be having a challenging time putting it all out of my mind...hopefully that isn't happening to you.

 

 

Thanks Ronni. Well obviously it's on my mind enough that I feel the need to discuss it....but there's enough other junk in my life to worry about before I could let it consume me too too much...

 

I'm sure he saw me from the stage...I wasn't right up by him but I always like to get close to the music whether he sees me or not. But I can always tell when he's aware of my presence, and he was...and I never made a point to get his attention...didn't wave hi or anything...just danced...I also know he recognized I was sitting there because 1st he had to walk right by us and he knows my friends, too. The crowd died a lot by then so it's not believable that he really didn't notice any of us.

 

And although I was cool and unsurprised (almost like I was prepared but wasn't) about his gf sitting there, though I was nice but not too nice to her, and kept the encounter pretty brief, I had an instant feeling from her that she did not enjoy that at all...especially once he introduced me as "charity ball"...aka, the girl I told you about going to the charity ball with...as if he made it sound like that's the extent our friendship goes to...so apparently that's all she knows about me yet I still sensed disappreciation from her somehow....

 

And she has nothing to worry about, because he told me he's "faithful" to her, and for her to be angry that I was there is ludicris...I love his band support them immensley...and always will, but it doesn't mean I'll have to hang out with C everytime I go, which is the exact attitude I went there with last night...but if she thinks more of it I guess it's her problem...or their problem...woops...

[Ronni_W]

Whoa, Nellie! Just cos you sensed she felt "awkward" doesn't mean that she was also feeling "angry".

 

Honestly, I think she'd have to be a moron not to realize that there is OBVIOUSLY something close enough between you, for him to have invited you to the charity ball. (Not even that she's thinking "too close", just that he wouldn't have invited just any old one...he would highly likely have a comfortable and close relationship with whomever he'd chosen to escort to the event.)

 

But definitely whatever her feelings are about the life that he has created for himself, separate and apart from his life with her -- those feelings (fears, insecurities, et al.) of hers are absolutely things for the two of them to sort out, work through and/or resolve (whatever their relationship may need .)

 

Is there anything about last night (or even prior encounters with him) that you're feeling somewhat peeved about?

[LoveLace]

Whoa, Nellie! Just cos you sensed she felt "awkward" doesn't mean that she was also feeling "angry".

 

Honestly, I think she'd have to be a moron not to realize that there is OBVIOUSLY something close enough between you, for him to have invited you to the charity ball. (Not even that she's thinking "too close", just that he wouldn't have invited just any old one...he would highly likely have a comfortable and close relationship with whomever he'd chosen to escort to the event.)

 

But definitely whatever her feelings are about the life that he has created for himself, separate and apart from his life with her -- those feelings (fears, insecurities, et al.) of hers are absolutely things for the two of them to sort out, work through and/or resolve (whatever their relationship may need .)

 

Is there anything about last night (or even prior encounters with him) that you're feeling somewhat peeved about?

 

 

Nah, I can't say anything about him has made me feel "peeved".

 

And angry was probably the wrong word for me to use...perhaps "uneasy" is more appropriate...because not only did she meet the gal he took to the ball, but now here I was at the show last night...and I'm thinking she doesn't know that I go to the shows regularly (at least a couple times a month anyway). However, if she were to figure that out and have a big problem with it (or me), chances are any hostile feelings would be all towards me and not him...

 

Next dilemma is New Year's Eve. His band throws a HUGE party every year that I've always wanted to experience...so finally, MONTHS ago, my 1 and only single girlfriend and I planned on it. I found a fun dress to wear and everything..then just last night she tells me that she found something else to do instead (she's notorious for inconsiderate crap like that). I can't remember the last time I had a special New Year's eve, so I've been very excited about this, in a sense that C has nothing to do with it, but it's all about the party...I've realized all along his GF would surely be there to watch him on NYE; but with such a big crowd I figured I won't have to interact or see either of them and just have fun.

 

So I'm considering asking C if she plans to go and wouldn't mind my company! I considered going alone because I've done plenty of that before; but then it could a hit or miss sitch. and it might end up bumming me out instead of being fun...but all my other friends are married with kids and spending New Year's Eve just that way so there's nothing else for me to do! Should I tell C that my friend bailed on me and ask about his GF? Or would that be too weird?

[Ronni_W]

Should I tell C that my friend bailed on me and ask about his GF? Or would that be too weird?

Given that you JUST met her, and only for a very short while, and you sensed some "uneasiness, awkwardness"...

I can't help but think it would be putting him in a difficult position. Actually, TWO difficult positions...one with her, and the other with you.

 

If you had to involve C at all, the only way that comes to mind is to ask him if he has a friend who is looking for some good, innocent, platonic companionship for NYE. (Even telling him that your g/f bailed on you is a move back to that pattern from your first post, of "dumping on" him as if he is a chick friend.)

[LoveLace]

Given that you JUST met her, and only for a very short while, and you sensed some "uneasiness, awkwardness"...

I can't help but think it would be putting him in a difficult position. Actually, TWO difficult positions...one with her, and the other with you.

 

If you had to involve C at all, the only way that comes to mind is to ask him if he has a friend who is looking for some good, innocent, platonic companionship for NYE. (Even telling him that your g/f bailed on you is a move back to that pattern from your first post, of "dumping on" him as if he is a chick friend.)

 

I dont' see how it puts him in a "position" if neither of us have intentions to be more than friends...but I guess it's not a 100% certainty that this is the case.

 

I did already email him about it though, said screw it...but I didn't "dump" so much as I just said she bailed on me, it's a bummer, so if ____ or anyone else you know wants company or a drinkin' bud for the night, let me know, and made a joke about a "pathetic life"...and pretty much said I"m asking for a small favor for a friend here...basically just said I dont' someone to hold my hand all night, I just don't want the lost kid in the cafeteria feeling when I get there...the best scenario would be having someone to just hang with in the beginning until I'd for sure make other friends or run into someone....in the email I think I explained it pretty well and I think he's the type to get where I'm coming from because he knows I'm pretty independent for the most part; but I don't think anyone wants to be TOO independent, for a time like NYE...he's also already aware that my girlfriend is kind of crappy to me sometimes so that's not new news to him...we'll see. Mean time, I'm through analyzing this whole weekend even though there still might be something to it...I'd rather just focus on my NYE dilemma and continue trying to date other guys..just keep being that "friend" of his that I claim to be and if that's true, no problems should exist between his GF and I...

[Kamille]

I dont' see how it puts him in a "position" if neither of us have intentions to be more than friends...but I guess it's not a 100% certainty that this is the case.

 

uhh..... From the looks of it you would jump at the chance to be more then friends.

 

LL, once again, you are confusing your intuitions for reality. I find when I have a big crush on somebody, I often assume he knows I'm around -or feels my aura- when in fact I have no way of knowing he does. You might be doing the same thing here and imagining a lot of emotions because you're hoping there's something there.

 

The bottomline is : He has a girlfriend. He's already told you he doesn't want something more with him. MOVE ON!

 

Mean time, I'm through analyzing this whole weekend even though there still might be something to it...

 

Please, yes, no more analyzing of this situation. You are trying to read into things so that you can keep hoping he has feelings for you. If he had feelings for you, he would tell you LL.

[LoveLace]

Kam I'm totally aware, thank you for reminding me....and maybe you should read my previous post to this one...the weekend is already old news to me...yep, it doesn't take long...

 

Right now I just hope it doesn't make him feel weird if I ask about NYE and whether or not his girlfriend would mind a buddy...there's no doubt he's an awesome guy but if it didn't bother me to meet her, which it didn't, then obviously it wouldn't bother me to be around her again...and it'd be even better if she's there with other people and I'd get to hang out with a whole new group on NYE which would be totally awesome and a chance to meet new guys. Either way the party is a chance to meet new guys, hence my determination to go, I haven't planned on going just to see C, I've planned on going because I know it'll be a great singles opportunity. BUT my girlfriend has ditched me on the plan, so if I don't figure out something I'll have to go alone (I already have my ticket so I'm stuck with it). I've done many, many things alone but for NYE I just don't know...so now I'm asking my friend C for a small favor. Once my girlfriend told me she wasn't going with me anymore, my concern for how he feels about ME, is the last thing on my mind now....I'm hoping he'll help me out here so that I'm not dressed up and standing there all alone like a loser.

 

So again, just another thing to remind me that I vow not to do anything to damage the friendship.

 

I think it's actually pretty cool of me to see meeting his girlfriend as what could turn out to be a positive thing...that is long as everyone involved is cool with it, too. And if I hang out with couples, I start to feel more like "little sister", than a potential girlfriend, another reason this might be a good thing....right now, the more friends I have the better...because I'm so lonely...so again, my relationship with him as more than friends has totally minimized, and all I'm thinking right now is I want to meet someone else...someone new...and if I go this party it's likely to happen!

 

Now if they were to break up, and we started hanging out more, that would be a different story...then I'd probably fall head over heels...but I'm not dumb enough to think that would all actually happen anytime soon, because he's always in his relationships for the long haul...he's not a woman-hopping kind of guy otherwise, so I certainly don't think he'll be hopping to me....but I DO hope he's cool enough to hook me up with some company on new year's! We'll see.

 

And my girlfriend just called and NOW she just can't decide if she wants to go or not. Annoying. I'm trying to tell her this party will be full of singles but in the mean time I'm trying to plan as though she isn't going.

 

I haven't been kissed on NYE in 11 years. So hanging out with C's girlfriend for a couple hours is a microscopic price to pay if it means I'll at least meet someone cute...and new...

[shadowplay]

Lovelace, you're spending way too much mental energy on a guy you claim to be "over" romantically or whatever. Just look at all the neurotic analysis going on in this thread. Stop thinking about him, please. It's not healthy. You seem to continually be in denial. You insist that you're not hung up on him, but you obviously are. The evidence is right here.

[Kamille]

Those other men flirting with you? Why aren't you giving any of them a chance?

[Joyvke]

Those other men flirting with you? Why aren't you giving any of them a chance?

 

I think she will do that, since she goes to a singles party .

 

Understand where you're coming from, it's not easy at all. Personally if I know they have a girlfriend, it's easier to walk away with the romantical feelings.

 

Good luck on that party, hope you have a blast!

[LoveLace]

Those other men flirting with you? Why aren't you giving any of them a chance?

 

- One of them I've known for 8-9 yrs.; and it's the same story with him: nice, funny guy, but NO job, NO car, and still VERY attached to the umbilical cord....if ya dated him, you'd be dating his mom, too....they live together, have always lived together, and probably always will. He keeps trying to get me to go out with him for some reason lately, and I've always had a legit excuse that I had something else going on, but never suggest another time or anything like that, and he kept texting, so finally I just didn't respond to his last text and he's backed off since then. If his life situation was different, I'd give him a chance. But since nothing's changed since I've know him, I know better than to think it ever will...bummer is he's a long-time friend and now that I've dissed him, it might effect that. How do you tell a friend that you won't date them because basically they are just a nice loser to you?

 

- Another guy "friend", has been involved with a married woman for like 10 years. Before I knew about her, we liked each other last summer - when I found out about her, my interest in anything beyond friendship completely dissipated. But I stayed on occasional "friend" terms with him...but he too, has been coming on strong lately, and it's just as annoying as the above.

 

Those are only 2 examples of guys I know who want me, yet I have plenty of justifiable reasons not to give them a chance, either...C is one of those guys, with the only reason being the girlfriend - or the fact that he just wants to be friends, either way it's another one crossed off the list - but at least I know he will still be my friend vs. trying to get me to go out with him (unlike the others)...

 

As of today, all the worry I put in about the NYE party has just drained me into not wanting to go there at all...because my girlfriend bailing out has put a major dent into the excitement I had for it...even if C hooked me up with some company, I realize I'd still feel alone with people I didn't know well - so might as well just go alone...put my self in a hit-or-miss situation and hope the better happens.

[Ariadne]

 

Hey LL,

 

Just forget about it, no big deal.

 

Hey, you got a show to go for New Year! That sounds pretty cool. And at least you have some guys interested, better than nothing.

 

Good luck with the C guy.

[LoveLace]

 

Hey LL,

 

Just forget about it, no big deal.

 

Hey, you got a show to go for New Year! That sounds pretty cool. And at least you have some guys interested, better than nothing.

 

Good luck with the C guy.

 

 

Yes well I have the ticket so why waste it...this place holds hundreds of people so surely if I'm alone I won't have to be stuck talking to idiots or anything..

 

C actually emailed back though and said his GF is not going to be in town, and he said it sucks that my friend treats me this way yadda yadda...course he can't hang out much since he's one of the entertainers...but he encouraged me to still go and said he thinks I'll be fine...so what the h*))