Cheating, Jealousy, Flirting....all of the above

[Cocobutter]

First let me start by saying, I am not an advocate for any of this. Cheating is something i've NEVER condoned. I've been exposed to cheaters all my life and I have seen the ripple effects cause by those actions...afterall its the reason for my existance.

 

I have been cheated on in a relationship...i make it a point to tell whoever I choose to be with (get serious with) that if they no longer wish to be in a relationship all they had to do was tell me. Honesty is the best policy in my book, i know it will hurt but at least it won't expose me to the risks and drama of a cheating partner. So if anyone cheats on me, it'll never be forgiven or forgotten.

 

Now how is it that with all that morality against cheating, I find myself starting to just not care anymore?

 

But i'm getting ahead of myself

Its the Jealousy that comes in first....

 

I have never been in a REAL relationship. I had my first relationship when i was in my late teens. He was my first everything, and he meant everything to me. He still does, even after us being over for more than 4 years, i can't get him out of my head. I hate him for breaking my heart. I hate him for making me feel like i wasnt good enough for him, i hate him for making me so unsure of who i was....but i cant stop loving him and i wish i knew why i couldn't, or even better, i wish i knew how to stop.

 

He has moved on. He has a girlfriend who looks like she has her life together, shes pretty, and even though i dont want to say it, she's some what normal, but the hardest part of all is that he looks at her the way i want him to look at me.

 

The thought of them spending their lives together has brought me to emotional meltdowns too many times to count. It gets easier some days, but then there are those days when I dont think i can take being away from him any longer. Its feels like I lost something huge. Its almost like the part of him i want is dead. It feels like he died and that i'll never see that guy i fell for ever again

 

All my friends say he's not good for me. They dont understand why i can still love someone who treated me like i was a constilation prize. I dont know how either, i mean, thats not me. I am not someone who takes ****. Not even from him. See, im the one who ended things, but only because i wanted to make him see that i was strong enough to. It was around christmas time 4 years ago when i did it...so every christmas i cant help but think about him and feel worthless. I've tried being honest and telling him everything...at least seeing if he had a bit of humanity...he responded postively...but not the way i wanted.

 

As of now, he thinks i hate him. Just last year he wrote my bestfriend an inapporpritate email (WHEN HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND)...my jealousy came over me and i snapped.

I wrote a letter to him and said the most horrible things...I meant it, but only to hurt him like it hurt me.

 

Now dont take me for a psycho, the letter was the icing on the cake. Because throughout the time we were together he flirted with her and even suggest i ask her to have 3some with us. Number 1. i DONT do threesomes. Number 2. She is also my cousin AND Number 3. I was offended as ever that he would even think of her that way.

By no means did she ever flirt back, i think she saw what i saw, she just didnt want to validate it in fear of it hurting me.

 

Anyways...his reply to the letter wasnt an apology...it hurts me now when i think about what it said. Was he telling the truth? Did he never care about me? Am i a waste of time? Am i never going to find someone else to love?

...Its starting to look like that...i didnt believe him before, but everytime i stand back i look at my life I see myself even more depressed than years before.

 

The guy that i tried to rebound with only gave me more uneccesary drama. He cheated on me, and gave me a diease that (for that sake of him and his life) was curable. He just made me realize how much i loved and missed my ex.

 

Paranoid that the next bastard will cheat on me or worse, give me an incurable std, makes me cringe. So i choose to have safe sex with my f-buddy once every year when we both visit home. Its not all that bad, he's the best sex i've ever had, but i don't feel like it could ever go anywhere and i'm assuming the feeling is mutual.

 

Now here i am. Still single. Still lonely. Still havent found any available man that makes me *sigh* or *gasp* or say "wow, who his HE". And even though it hurts to admit, i dont think the man i want back I know for sure will never want me. At least not in the way i want him. I've wanted to write him, call him, go to his house. I even found myself stalking him on facebook, just to see what he's up to. I know its pathetic, and i have stopped, but its like an addiction, so i relapse at times.

 

So what should i do? Fix my mistakes? Right my wrongs (with the ex)? I'm already trying to improve myself. I just need to get over this problem because its been controlling me for way too long....

 

But wait theres more! Part II Jealousy (coming soon)