LoveShack is making me jaded...

[LovieDove24]

So I stumbled upon this site a few months ago and I have to say it has really helped me gain strength regarding a rough relationship.

 

However, now that I am officially hooked I cannot help but wander around and find SO many posts on distressed marriages...or about WS's cheating...or about people who are disgusted by their mates and only staying in it for the kids. As someone whos never been married, I'm beginning to wonder, are there any happy marriages out there? And if so, what is your secret? I mean, what is different about YOUR relationship that makes it healthy, committed, honest and loving? Because if I ever DO get married...I'm afraid I really want to watch out for what some of the people on here have gone through, yikes!

[sb129]

Well, I am not married yet, I will be in a couple of weeks.

 

My R is pretty great.

I first came to LS when the R before this one ended badly, and i stuck around because I like the banter and chat.

 

So its not totally full of people in bad Rs!

[JamesM]

To compare LS with the rest of the world and wonder if there are any good relationships is like sitting on the cancer ward at the hospital and wonder if everyone has cancer.

 

LS will have more poor relationships that the general population as that is one of the main reasons that people are drawn to LS. And even many who are in good relationships now came here because of a bad relationship.

 

Then there are relationships like mine which go up and down.

[D-Lish]

James... I have always had a crush on your avatar!!! I don't know why... It's like you're talking to me on that phone....

 

But I agree with you- people find loveshack because they are in peril.

 

It's like the News.... The bad things get reported while the mundane flies under the radar.

 

People in healthy, awesome relationships aren't posting here saying "life is grand and my relationship is healthy".... We don't seek advice when things are smooth.

[JamesM]

James... I have always had a crush on your avatar!!! I don't know why... It's like you're talking to me on that phone....

 

I am honored. That is one of the best compliments I have received today.

 

People in healthy, awesome relationships aren't posting here saying "life is grand and my relationship is healthy".... We don't seek advice when things are smooth.

 

And if they did, I am sure people would post responses like..."Who cares? My life sucks. And it is even worse listening to YOU."

 

So we all want to read other people's problems. Then we can say, "Well, at least I am not THAT bad!" It helps giving others feedback, because in some instances we actually stumble upon solutions for our own lives.

[Tony T]

1. "As someone who's never been married, I'm beginning to wonder, are there any happy marriages out there?"

 

Of course there are, many. People with happy marriages aren't likely to come to a forum like LoveShack to complain that their marriage is so happy they want out of it...geeze.

 

2. "And if so, what is your secret?"

 

The secret is finding someone with realistic expectations, someone who is compatible with you, forgiving, kind, considerate, thoughtful, generous, honest, intelligent, communicative, who shares your feelings about children, money, religion...or at least has respect for your personal religious beliefs, etc. You know, just the normal things that happy marriages have....

 

3. "I mean, what is different about YOUR relationship that makes it healthy, committed, honest and loving?"

 

The difference is usually that both people aren't selfish, self centered, ego centric people looking out for their own interests in the relationship. The majority of marriages fail because of communication and other problems that have their origins in just plain selfishness.

 

4. "Because if I ever DO get married...I'm afraid I really want to watch out for what some of the people on here have gone through, yikes!"

 

Yeah, you ought to watch out for a lot of things. You may learn a lot here about what not to get into. But the fact of the matter is that no matter how much you love somebody, no matter how much you have in common with them, etc. people change and the heaven you're in today could be the hell you're in tomorrow.

 

On the other hand, if you're lucky enough to find the right person for you then you can work on one of the happiest situations you could possibly ever have in a lifetime. This love stuff ain't easy and it's not easy to find. Many people find it and then screw it up by taking their beloved for granted. Humanoids are one bunch of screwed up people sometimes. An awful lot of people should just stay single and subscribe to a few Internet porn sites to pass their time.

[D-Lish]

I am honored. That is one of the best compliments I have received today.

 

 

 

And if they did, I am sure people would post responses like..."Who cares? My life sucks. And it is even worse listening to YOU."

 

So we all want to read other people's problems. Then we can say, "Well, at least I am not THAT bad!" It helps giving others feedback, because in some instances we actually stumble upon solutions for our own lives.

 

Glad I could make your day! lol.

[Geishawhelk]

TonyT......?

 

Ditto.

[porter218]

So I stumbled upon this site a few months ago and I have to say it has really helped me gain strength regarding a rough relationship.

 

However, now that I am officially hooked I cannot help but wander around and find SO many posts on distressed marriages...or about WS's cheating...or about people who are disgusted by their mates and only staying in it for the kids. As someone whos never been married, I'm beginning to wonder, are there any happy marriages out there? And if so, what is your secret? I mean, what is different about YOUR relationship that makes it healthy, committed, honest and loving? Because if I ever DO get married...I'm afraid I really want to watch out for what some of the people on here have gone through, yikes!

The long and short of it is ...there is no black and white to happy marriages. It can go through a REALLY bad time then recover and be more satisfying then most with much work. don't get discouraged. My marriage feels blissful and happy right now even though I went through more hell with him then many other marriages. I am also fully aware that we will face more hard times but I know that is what marriage is about...ups and downs. Don't let these sad stories get you down because these sad stories are not over yet...have faith.

[RecordProducer]

To compare LS with the rest of the world and wonder if there are any good relationships is like sitting on the cancer ward at the hospital and wonder if everyone has cancer.

 

LS will have more poor relationships that the general population as that is one of the main reasons that people are drawn to LS. And even many who are in good relationships now came here because of a bad relationship.

 

Then there are relationships like mine which go up and down.

James, more marriages end up divorced than people get cancer. Think of the people who are not happily married (few will admit it though outside LS) or who divorced and who are not in the LS hospital. In 50 years, probably everyone will have been divorced at least once.

 

Regarding the people who are drawn to LS, there are one-time posters, who come here with their sad stories, spil them out, and never return. And there's us who remain regardless of everything because we like to philosophize about life cuz we get a kick out of it. We indeed are a special group: we prefer to think, listen, talk, and write to anything that the average person does for fun. We rarely talk about superficial stuff like shopping, gosipping or changing diapers; we seek deeper meaning and answers to our questions about life, love, people, and relationships. Maybe it's the complexity of our minds that complicates our lives? I see brilliant posts every time I open this forum; I've seen more intelligent people here in a few years than I've met in my entire life. And we come here to socialize with our mind mates. It means one thing: at the end of the day, each one of us is alone in this superficial world. Well, of course people like us tend to be emotionally dissatisfied most of the time.

 

So I believe you're right that LS-ers are not a representative sample of the entire population, but not for the reason you mentioned. Just my opinion.

 

James... I have always had a crush on your avatar!!! I don't know why... It's like you're talking to me on that phone....

I have a crush on James too!

[kakui215]

In the past 48 hours, I've told myself that I'm in the worst #@%& marriage to the &@$% from hell, and I've also told myself that God sure smiled on me when he gave me my dear, sweet, beautiful wife! So, what do I know?!

 

I'm not sure, but it's not like I've been completely wrong each time!

[Walk]

I'm beginning to wonder, are there any happy marriages out there? And if so, what is your secret? I mean, what is different about YOUR relationship that makes it healthy, committed, honest and loving? Because if I ever DO get married...I'm afraid I really want to watch out for what some of the people on here have gone through, yikes!

 

I am head over heels in love with my H. We have a great marriage. I know without a doubt that if I tell my H I need something, then he'll be there to help me get it. He's loving, faithful, caring, a hard worker, unafraid to tackle tough issues with me, and everything I ever wanted in a partner.

 

What I found though is that I really had to understand who I was, what I wanted my life to be, and what type of person would compliment that ideal best, before I found my H. My wants are pretty simplistic though. I don't care about money, cars, houses, etc. I wanted the base needs met... emotional support, affection, intimacy.

 

My first marriage was horrible. I was stupid and didn't trust my own feelings enough to act on them. And I delluded myself into believing that love is enough to solve anything. It's not. You have to have the right tools, and you have to have two people with the same goals. We didn't have the same goals. We had good communication, but so what... he wanted something I didn't want.. and what I wanted he found quaint and pathetic.

 

Oh, and my marriage isn't perfect. Sometimes we butt heads. But our goals, dreams, aspirations are pretty similiar so even if we're not exactly seeing eye to eye, we're still both working toward a similiar goal.

[Tony T]

In the past 48 hours, I've told myself that I'm in the worst #@%& marriage to the &@$% from hell, and I've also told myself that God sure smiled on me when he gave me my dear, sweet, beautiful wife! So, what do I know?!

 

I'm not sure, but it's not like I've been completely wrong each time!

 

Sounds like you're in a pretty normal situation. Normally, though, things don't quite go to that extreme. There is trouble brewing and one day you might find yourself a lot more in the first part of your sentence and much less in the last part. Good luck to you!

[Lizzie60]

Hum.. I do not agree that all LoSers have problems..

 

Some, like me, have a great life, just single, living alone, have lots of time on my hand.. also can post from work.. so it's more of a 'past-time' (sp)..

 

If I had someone in my life... I very much doubt I'd be on this forum..

 

I'm sure others feel the same...

[RecordProducer]

If I had someone in my life... I very much doubt I'd be on this forum..

 

I'm sure others feel the same...

No, not me. I will always come here and my dedication to LS has nothing to do with what's going on in my life emotionally. Only if I am very busy in terms of time, I won't come here, which might happen when school starts or when I start working many hours a day.

 

I totally don't see LS as a website for losers who have no life. LS is as high as watching a great movie on my fun-things list. As a matter of fact, to me it's like saying that if I had a great marriage, I would stop watching movies or listening to music. Reading about people's lives and learning about their views and opinions is one of my biggest interests; and when I get to express my own opinions, I feel like an imporant part of my essence is alive and breathing - and simoultaneously, I get to help other people. Maybe I am not always helpful, but I respond to their needs at the moment: they want to be heard and they want to hear what I have to say.

[JamesM]

Hum.. I do not agree that all LoSers have problems..

 

Some, like me, have a great life, just single, living alone, have lots of time on my hand.. also can post from work.. so it's more of a 'past-time' (sp)..

 

 

Hmmm....some of us in this group are still in denial.

[crazieshnurple]

People who are happy are not going to seek out a message board to talk about it.

[BentSpine]

LoveShack has illuminated some situations that seem like hell on earth to me. In response I have vowed to myself to never promise away my moral right to leave an unfulfilling situation. As a consequence, there won't be any marriage vows for me about "till death do us apart." I guess that counts as somewhat jaded.

[Trialbyfire]

Imagine 10's of thousands of threads titled, "I have a happy marriage" or "I've got a great relationship". How many times can you post "Hey, that's great, I'm really happy for you!".

 

I'm guesstimating that 99% of members who have found LS, were originally searching for answers to unhappy/traumatic questions. The other 1%, are psych students and trolls.

 

Most wander off when they find resolution of some kind within themselves, even it means status quo. As for the balance of us who stay, there are all kinds of reasons why.

 

There's so much unhappiness on LS. Try not to allow it to colour your perception. The majority of LS member scenarios are not indicative of the majority of relationships.

[LovieDove24]

Thanks TBF...

 

I think my biggest anxiety comes from the OM/OW forums and the posts from husbands who get WHAMED out of nowhere from their wives leaving them. Its scary stuff. If we're going to be 100% honest here I have a terrible fear of abandonment and this damn site does not calm those pesky nerves!

 

But before I even joined LS I always wondered how you fool-proof a marriage. How do you know when you have not only met "the one" but they are long term material as well. Cuz lord knows I've met my fair share of "the ones" but they just didnt turn out to be commitment material.

 

Is there a coverall answer for this one? How to pick the perfect marriage mate?

[TechDude]

If we're going to be 100% honest here I have a terrible fear of abandonment and this damn site does not calm those pesky nerves!

 

As someone already pointed out, you need to start with sorting yourself out. After many years of marriage in a difficult situation (W has severe treat-resistant depression), I have become more and more of the opinion that a person needs to be happy and secure themselves before they contemplate committing to marriage.

 

If you have a "fear of abandonment", then this will affect the decisions you make and the way you act ... and the effect on your relationship will not be positive.

 

I know there were things I did and decisions I made when I was younger that were based on fear that my SO might leave. In hind sight, it would have been better if I had taken the risk. She might have left, she might not, but either way, I'd be more honest to myself and the relationship.

 

I'm not saying that you don't compromise. But, compromising is done out of love, not out of fear.

[LovieDove24]

Tech dude, I agree you have to speak your truth and risk losing the other person in order to have a good relationship.

 

But my truth just so happens to be that I have a deep-seeded fear of abandonment. Probably a scarier truth than others but at least I recognize it and am actively working on it. Should I wait until my abandonment fear is all gone before I start a relationship? I dont think so. The effects of my parents alcoholism will always rezonate with me. If I wait til these feelings are completely gone I will be dead before I am in a relationship.

 

What I'm trying to say here is that the notion you have to be entirely 100% happy before entering into a relationship is ideal, but not always possible. We learn to cope with what baggage we have. I think a more practical twist to that statment is "make sure all of your baggage has been checked and claimed before climbing aboard."

[SerenityX2]

How to pick the right mate?

 

Well I'm happily married, but I have my bruises along the way. (from previous M and other r'ships)I'll tell you what I've learned though. Ultimately you should have an attraction towards someone, that crazy butterfly feeling and great chemistry is important, yes some may say the intensity of that will fade and/or ebb and flow....but really that may just depend on your wiring;)

 

We have a simple understanding and that's divorce is not an option. Does that mean we're miserably attached? No, it means well we better nurture this and make it fun too as we go.

 

Life is hard....yes LIFE....a M should not be, that should be your strength. Bills, finances, work, death...life, is all difficult but if you are commited to each other come what may it makes that much more bonding and rewarding to go through what life may throw at you. We're each other's safe haven, sanctuary if you will from the rest of the world. Although there was an electricity it also has an ease and a peace around it.

 

Communication which fosters trust is paramount. I agree you gotta know affairs are out there, not cover your eyes and ears. But doing normal respectful safeguarding, such as knowing the boundaries that you don't cross. It's utter crap when someone says "it just happened" or "the chemistry was so strong you wouldn't believe it". Lines are crossed a little at a time. You may find someone attractive and appreciate that in them, and face it if you are attractive you will get hit on, that doesn't mean you have to ACT on it. We're not leaves blowing in the wind, we have minds and therefore make conscious choices, that's all A's are a conscious choice or a choice to ALLOW yourself to be lead by a zing you may feel when you see someone, if you disable the power in that but not engaging, it can't control you. You control you.

 

So you find a mate that has the values as you and you don't compromise, something seems off get out early. They start taking advantage of you, don't call when they say they will...walk away, treat others with respect and expect nothing less for yourself. When it doubt ask yourself does this feel right? Our inner voice knows, we choose to listen or not but it's there for a reason. Is really can be that simple, we choose to make it hard.

 

Good luck.

[LovieDove24]

Thanks Serenity X2...

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. Most important I believe was the part where you explain LIFE as being whats hard and not the marriage. I think ideally everyone wants their marriage to be their safe haven from life.

 

Another good thing I have heard is that it is very important that you both view life the same way. Sounds overly generalized but since I've met the new guy I'm dating I can honestly say I get that.

[Jersey Shortie]

Sometimes LoveShack makes me more jaded too. There can be alot of negative talk here about men and women. I take the stuff about women to heart...we are too old, we are too fat, we aren't cute enough..etc etc.... pretty much sometimes the message it seems that some guys here want to drive home that we just aren't good enough and the only thing that is is some brainless, happy 18 year old with no thoughts, emotions or opinioins of her own.