Christmas - ! Appropriate Gifts

[Sandy223]

Thank you Windsoul!! Smarter in the above posts really bummed me out ... obviously she is a BS and it makes her feel better to make other people feel like sh*T... the more she can justify another woman as nothing more than a piece of a$$ who deserves less than the dog ... guess it makes her feel better to hold her head high ... "Hey, I may be a BS, but at least I am not some piece of crap wh*re mistress loser" ... and that probably makes her feel better about herself...

 

Windsoul .. I really needed your post to counter the insults that this woman who doesn't even know me hurled at me ...

 

what you are telling me is that I should just cut the crap and not look to assign any meaning to something that is meaningless .. this is a house of mirrors or a distorted fun house ... I cannot attach any meaning to his gift or lack thereof ... or pact, or whatever ...

 

guess I am so upset to because "Smarter" attached nothing but negative meaning to all of this and then went on to degrade me ... guess I was/am vulnerable to her attacks because as Windsoul so adeptly pointed out .. I was looking to attach meaning to all of this ...

 

... and Windsoul is right ... you cannot! nothing means anything until/when it happens or it does not ... and that is that ...

 

.. what about all of this married men who get divorced and then miraculously find a new wife a year (or less, sometimes a little more) later??? I know PLENTY of them! You mean to tell me that they all just happened to meet a new wife right after they got divorced??

 

I am thinking NOT! However, these are not the situations you/we see posted all over these boards ... nobody is going to come here for support about a situation that worked out for them! Nobody!!!! So, we/I have to be careful about posting here ... and I acknolwedge that I am ripe for the attacks of those on here not seeking support, but those looking to hurl stones because they are miserable themselves....

 

... anyway .. thank you Windsoul... let me try now to wipe Ms. "Smarter's" negative, horrible, demeaning comments from my brain ... she obviously got passed over for someone else or cheated on ... highly doubt that she is a counselor too ... no counselor would post like that.

[Sandy223]

Thanks Ronni -- you must have been posting when I was responding to Windsoul ...

 

.. guess I am so torn because I believed he was genuine when he said the purpose of this was to get to see if it could go anywhere ... now, of course, the comfort sets in ... the pressure of the holidays etc ... and I am fighting every step of the way being a mistress ...

 

I do not accept that position at all, and never have .. i have been keeping him on his toes for two years now ... even though the affair just started ... and I intend to do that until he leaves or doesn't ... and I intend to go on with the rest of my life looking for a life partner .. .weather it is him or someone else ...

 

but one thing I vowed not to do was to just sit back and "accept" the lesser role ... if he is trying to put me in a lesser role because it's easier for him ... then he could go and find someone else ...

 

... if he loves me he will be with me ... and divorce her ... if he does not, or doesn't love me enough .. .then he could find someone else to help keep him in his marraige ...

 

sorry, I am just really upset right now ... and little ms. betrayed spouse, "Smarter" can go fly a kite.

[Ronni_W]

and it makes her feel better to make other people feel like sh*T...

Sandy, just cos SHE (or anyone else) wants to judge you doesn't make you obligated to accept their judgments for your own self-image -- the words and opinions of others simply do not, and cannot, define who you are!

 

Keep your personal power about that...everything else is tough enough.

 

You are in an affair for whatever personal, mental, emotional and spiritual Lessons there may be for you. Whether or not you are conscious of what exactly any of those may be, is fine. It's not for someone else to judge how you are supposed to develop and evolve! Screw'em all, who are arrogant enough to (try to) judge your Life and choices and actions.

 

... she obviously got passed over for someone else or cheated on

 

Honestly, don't even go there. Stay on the High Road of your own reality...don't go falling into their negative patterns of judgment and hostility. (Don't give others the power to turn you into that.)

 

... and I am fighting every step of the way being a mistress ... I do not accept that position at all, and never have ..

but one thing I vowed not to do was to just sit back and "accept" the lesser role ... if he is trying to put me in a lesser role

There isn't anything to suggest that he was/is NOT genuine, or that he is trying to put you in a "lesser" role. Whether or not you receive a physical token at Christmas, it does not negate (or affirm) anything else that you've shared.

 

The thing that you are fighting against and not accepting, though -- I guess that is the crux of it, perhaps?

In the current situation, it would be a bit like refusing to accept that you are...well, something as basic and unchangeable as being a woman, yes?

 

And then, if it is also a belief that women are "lesser", certainly that belief will add to the resistance and make every struggle against all of it that much more...exhausting and traumatic.

 

You are NOT "lesser" in your role as a mistress. You are the exact same person with the exact same strengths, desires, values and weaknesses as if you had status of single, married, divorced or widowed.

You are exactly as loving and lovable as you have always been!

[Sandy223]

Thanks Ronni!!! I AM fighting against the current situation!!!!! To think of myself as a mistress completely makes me sick to my stomach!!! Seriously ILL .... and I do not want to be alone ...

 

I really thought that I could "Date" him as if ... and see if he was one of the options .. then if it was meant to be, it would be ...

 

... but now, and maybe it's because i don't have anyone now ... (anyone else) I am feeling sad, needy ... etc... am I afriad of losing him or afraid I won't find anyone else??? Why can't I just relax? I am not some little child lost in a maze ... but I really have to keep myself strong and maintain control over the situation ... however I can ...

 

.. .also, thank you for telling me "not to go there" with respect to my comments against Ms. Smarter Now .... behaving in an ugly manner ourselves is never the answer ...

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Being treated like a legitimate girlfriend would also mean meeting his family and spending holiday time with him (on actual Christmas Day and Eve) and calling him whenever you want and being seen out in restaurants whenever you want. It would also mean him also meeting your family members, and him telling everyone about you and having your picture on his desk at work.

Is this the case?

[wildsoul]

Thanks Ronni!!! I AM fighting against the current situation!!!!! To think of myself as a mistress completely makes me sick to my stomach!!! Seriously ILL .... and I do not want to be alone ...

 

I really thought that I could "Date" him as if ... and see if he was one of the options .. then if it was meant to be, it would be ...

 

... but now, and maybe it's because i don't have anyone now ... (anyone else) I am feeling sad, needy ... etc... am I afriad of losing him or afraid I won't find anyone else??? Why can't I just relax? I am not some little child lost in a maze ... but I really have to keep myself strong and maintain control over the situation ... however I can...

I started dating my MM last January and after a month, when I realized that his W seemed to not know he was dating (which he had led me to believe) I broke up with him. It was iffy and I was in some kind of spellbound denial to begin with, but when she called his cellphone while we were on an outing, it really hit me. In the emails we exchanged, he wrote, "You are a reluctant mistress." Hell yes! I told him I'm absolutely a terrible mistress and don't want that for myself.

 

So I broke up with him until he was "moved out," like he said he was already planning. Within 6 weeks, he rented a room in a different city and I got back with him. It still seemed murky, as it wasn't a full apartment yet. It's been bumpy. I've tried to hold my "no affair" policy, but it still seems shifty as his W isn't wanting a divorce (and he's not started procedings yet.) I'm not the best example.

 

But what I recognize in you, since it's in me too, is that you really DON'T want to be a mistress. And being single and lonely, plus all the feelings you have for him, make it tempting to try to make it work. You'll have to find your own way of being with this, but do spend some time finding out where your own bottom lines are. Anything less than following your gut will leave you in knots. The ups/downs of triangulated relationships will leave you in knots anyways, but it is better if you know your limits.

[Ronni_W]

I AM fighting against the current situation!!!!!

Stop!!! Cos all you are gonna have to show for your struggles are really big bruises and extremely nasty scars that will take forever and a day to heal.

 

Unfortunately, we cannot date married people AND ALSO expect (hope for) positive and life-affirming outcomes. For the latter, the former is just not the horse on which the smart money goes.

 

Feel free to not answer, and I hope you won't mind my asking: If this situation makes you sick to your stomach, leaves you feeling sad and needy, and as if you are at risk of losing your strength and control...what is its draw, for you?

 

I do understand that it is plugging up your fear of being alone, and maybe also filling some other voids; and that, depending on how things go, it may contribute good stuff at some as-yet-unknown point in the future.

 

But. Exactly as it currently exists, what is the situation contributing to who you are and what you currently want out of life -- how is it making your current-day experiences of yourself, your life, happiness and success "bigger and better"?

[OWoman]

Being treated like a legitimate girlfriend would also mean meeting his family and spending holiday time with him (on actual Christmas Day and Eve) and calling him whenever you want and being seen out in restaurants whenever you want. It would also mean him also meeting your family members, and him telling everyone about you and having your picture on his desk at work.

Is this the case?

 

It was for me, when I was the OW.

[OWoman]

He doesn't need a gift from you, and he don't want to get you one because he has to get his WIFE a big i feel guilty for cheating gift, that will cost a lot of money, plus the kids gifts if he has any and extended family members, and his dogs gift if he has one.They all come way before you, so you don't register as important enough to get a gift for.

 

Gosh this resembles nothing of the reality I experienced! I've always gotten the most perfect gifts - sometimes monstrously expensive, sometimes less so but just what I would want - while the BW got some random thing (she was never happy with what anyone gave her anyway, so no one ever took any trouble). I guess your "counselling" (which you seem to have difficulty even spelling, so I'm not quite sure how well you actually DO it?) seems to have brought you into contact with losers only, rather than with the rest of us.

[Lizzie60]

Hum.. I never gave any of my MM a gift at Christmas.. but some got me presents.. I had perfume.. I've had a 'vacation' down south.. I had an envelope with a huge amount of money.. not all my MM gave me a gift at xmas.. I never expected any of them to get me anything.. as I don't want the hassle to get them anything also..

 

I am not offended if they don't..

[Meet 4 Coffee]

It was for me, when I was the OW.

 

Was the question directed at you? Seems like we don't have a rocket scientist here, do we now?

[Lizzie60]

Being treated like a legitimate girlfriend would also mean meeting his family and spending holiday time with him (on actual Christmas Day and Eve) and calling him whenever you want and being seen out in restaurants whenever you want. It would also mean him also meeting your family members, and him telling everyone about you and having your picture on his desk at work.

Is this the case?

 

Yabutt.. not all OWs want to be treated as a legitimate gf..

 

I don't.. I want the whole sha-bang (fun, money and gifts) but not the commitment and hassle that comes with the relationship .. btdt..

[Lizzie60]

WOW.. OP.. your whole relationship with this man is conditional to a Xmas gift.. ???

 

He wants a pair of slippers.. how boring is this guy!!! geezz....

 

Wrap yourself in red huge ribbon... that'll be his gift.. send him a naked picture of you (on a secret hotmail account he has) so he can look at it every once in a while when he misses you.

 

If he doesn't get you anything.. that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.. but it could mean he's cheap..

[Sandy223]

Guess I am just freaking out over nothing ... thanks again everyone ...

 

just got back from the gym and manicure ... going to work on finding my center again and forget about this all for now ... if I don't have my center I am in big trouble!!! What if he shows up tomorrow and I am a wreck? Don't ever want him or anyone seeing me like that, which is why I came here - for support...

 

... If I could find my center again, and just focus on that, I am sure things will fall into place one way or another ...

 

thanks OW for coming to my rescue here to ... you always do:)

 

And, yes, he has invited me out with his friends before and wants to introduce me to people, but I don't want that ... I would rather keep this thing between us as I do not want to go parading around town with him as the OW ... I would rather, now, reserve my alone time for being with my friends, and going out and doing other things to improve my life ....

 

... whether or not he gets a divorce will have to be a decision he makes for himself and marraige .. and whether or not I am still around at that point, if it ever comes - is up to me ...

 

guess this whole x-mas thing got me unravelled not so much because of him, but because it made me focus on what I don't have right now vs. all that I have to look forward to in my own life ... that is the real issue .. I let myself get all twisted by this garbage ...

 

when the fact remains, he is still married and i am the OW ... I should be enjoying the affair or get out ... but, the truth is, it would hurt me if he did not get me a gift .... I was thinking that if he cherished me and valued our time together he would naturally want to get me something to let me know that I am special to him, and that in his heart this is not some random fling ...

 

only time will tell ... but one thing is certain ... I really do believe he should get me something, and whatever he does or does not do ... I cannot or have to stop reacting like this ... I am torturing myself for nothing ....

 

... if he is not the man for me, someone else will be ... I just have to keep staying focused and positive in my own life and let him be whatever he wants to be ... this whole thing really does hurt though ...

 

Other Woman - I am glad everything worked out for you ... when I am feeling positive and happy I beleive in my heart that things will work out for us too ... but, when I get unravelled and depressed and over analyze and think about every little exchange, I drive myself nuts which is counterproductive to both the quality of my own life and whatever I have with him .... anyway, sorry for rambling and for all of the spelling mistakes ... it's onward and upward now ... no matter what ...

 

I have made a decision - if he blows off x-mas, I will end things with him though, even though I don't want to ... why? because i think he should get me something, and I don't want to go through this torture anymore ... so, if he doesn't come through, it will probably be a blessing because I should not be doing this to myself anyway

[smarterthanbefore]

actually owoman, you got lucky, every sitiuation is different, the majority is the way I described. Sorry for the wrong spelling, i was typing in a hurry, I guess you spell everything correct all the time.

[OWoman]

Was the question directed at you?

 

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Seems like we don't have a rocket scientist here, do we now?

 

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Perhaps a case of pot calling kettle black?

[OWoman]

when the fact remains, he is still married and i am the OW ... I should be enjoying the affair or get out ... but, the truth is, it would hurt me if he did not get me a gift .... I was thinking that if he cherished me and valued our time together he would naturally want to get me something to let me know that I am special to him, and that in his heart this is not some random fling ...

 

I have made a decision - if he blows off x-mas, I will end things with him though, even though I don't want to ... why? because i think he should get me something, and I don't want to go through this torture anymore ... so, if he doesn't come through, it will probably be a blessing because I should not be doing this to myself anyway

 

Sandy - the line went down before I could post to your previous post; but I don want to caution about this. The constraints that Ronni has outlined cold be very real for him - he MAY really e thinking of you, valuing you and wanting to do right by you, but he may be constrained by his circumstances from acting on that in time to get you a gift. None of us know (except, perhaps, you...) and so you may be reading too much into the gift or lack of. Then again, he may feel that he HAS to get you something, having read something into what you said, and may rush out and get you any old thing in a hurry so as to keep his end of the deal - and may disappoint in that way. I do think you're setting yourself up for disappointment, if the rest of the R is pleasing in other ways.

 

If, OTOH, you already have reservations and this gift business is simply the lightning rod for those - feeling, perhaps, that he's never able to prioritise you as you'd like, or he's insufficiently in touch with what really matters to you - then perhaps this will serve as an indicator of whether those fears are well founded or not.

 

Things shouldn't be doomed over the simple matter of a present - but if the present is the cherry on the cake of a whole festering mound of other issues and disquiets, then perhaps follow your gut on the outcome.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[Sandy223]

Other Woman - thank you for your most recent response; I do need help, and you always offer great advice ... plus, your situation worked out (not that everyone doesn't offer great advice) ...

 

The situation with him is good ... he does whatever he can do ... thinks I am beautiful, treats me that way ... wants to introduce me to his friends; he is adorable with me ...

 

I was using the gift thing as a barometer ... the thing that I CANNOT stand is being the other woman ... I don't want to be anyone's mistress ... he really had to convice/work to get me ... and because he can't give himself completely, neither can/will I ... I know that I am falling in love with him, and I do not want to get stuck! I am going out with others ... but I haven't found anyone I like as much ... so that is part of the problem too...

 

... so, I used the Christmas gift thing almost as a reason to get out of the affair ... not because of him ... but because I don't want to be a mistress.... I never want to get so in over my head that I feel as if I have to give some ultimatum... .I have never been the ultimatum type...

 

.... I would rather enjoy the relationship, be my confident, beautiful lovely self .. and if the man see the "prize" he will keep pursuing me until he has won me over ... Now, in this case, the same principles apply ... which is what drove him to me in the first place ....

 

... he saw this strong, beautiful, confident woman with a lot going for her and was attracted to it ... I have never been with an MM before ... he pursued and pursued .... and regardless of how I feel about him ... the fact is ... I am with a married man! Something that cuts against every fiber of my being ...

 

... How to I keep on teh way I have with out getting in over my head???? What if I fall so madly in love that I naturally (at some point) stop dating others and pin myself into a position of "waiting" ... at which point I would probably want to die ...

 

... so ... the x-mas thing is tricky because I not only used it as a barometer, but I also do want him to get me something ...

 

... I think she is right in that his constraints are very real ... the problem is .. this A is affecting my self esteem ... i sat home all weekend torn over this ... what does the gift mean/not mean??? How do I get clarity in a situation where there is none??? How do I let myself take such a great risk when it is almost inevitable that I will get burned??? How do I just enjoy the A without having any expecations while maintaining my dignity and keeping myself in check so that I don't put myself in a position to be burned? ... And, this is not me!!!! This is unchartered territory for me ...

 

... I don't want to lose myself ... and with the x-mas gift thing, maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment (subconsciously) on purpose ... because I know I don't want to be with someone who is committed to someone else ... .

 

... So, today I feel better after my weekend breakdown .. .confident and in charge again ... in charge of my own life regardless of what he does or doesn't do ... and, I have sadly shut my heart to him a bit now ... because I was so hurt this weekend (I did that to myself) ... I naturally pulled back internally ... so today, right now ... I have the feeling that I could care less if I ever heard from him again...

 

... seriously ... that is exactly how I feel right now - no joke. I am not angry either ... just very matter of fact; and, I know that I love him ...

 

... I don't know what I am going to do ... in all seriousness though, the break is good for me ... I am going away to a spa on New Years for about 5 days ... will come back brand new...

 

... I haven't heard from him since Friday ... but, then again ... he hasn't been at work since mid-last week ... there are a milllion relatives at his house, starting this past weekend ... it is like a mad house over there .. .everyone stays with them. X-mas is a big deal at his home every year, and then he goes away the day after.

 

Anyway, I ordered some new books over the weekend ... one which is relatively new written by a PhD therapist in this area.

 

It deals with Affairs from the prospective of the MM or MW --- identifies different types of affairs, etc.... thought it would be helpful for an OW...

 

... Oh, well ... I am just glad I am feeling better right now!!

[GreenEyedLady]

how do you handle the whole gift giving thing? I was personally not even worrying about it ...

 

... so, let's just hope he gets me a freaking gift!!

 

I love Christmas! It is my favorite time of year; Always has been, always will be. So, I always got him a gift. And he always got me one.

 

I would just not worry. If he doesn't, you know he's not invested and you are making yourself too available. This OW thing should have benefits. If you're not getting any, then you need to reevaluate. A relationship should be two people meeting each other's needs. Not one person accepting anything the other person will give them.

 

GEL

[Ronni_W]

... I am going away to a spa on New Years for about 5 days

Hugs, Sandy.

Your spa get-away sounds like just the kind of pampering that your heart, mind and soul can use just about now -- enjoy! Also, wishing you much peace and happiness for 2009.

[Sandy223]

Thanks Ronni, Other Woman, GEG, Lavender .... and everyone else ... happy and healthy new year to you all too!!!!! I really appreciate the support .. don't know what I would have done this w/e without some of you ...

 

Also, GEG you have a point ... which is the one I guess I was trying to make the whole time ... no gift = he's not that invested!!!

 

Now, what if he gives me something right when he gets back in the beginning of January?? Whew .. I am driving myself too CRAZY!!

 

I came home this evening .... he didn't call, leave a text or email me all day! I know all of his relatives are at the house ... whatever ... good thing I freaked out over the weekend and got some of this out of my system ... now I can sit back and watch it with eloquence and detachment (sorry for making typos on this thing!!)

[Sandy223]

So, here's an update - I have decided to move forward. No, he didn't do anything for x-mas; haven't talked to him since last Friday ... if you consider a one line text talking ... last time we actually spoke was last Wednesday, and at that point it was a possibility that I would perhaps see him, if only briefly, on the 22nd - Monday. I wasn't sure if I would, which is why I got so crazed over the weekend.... so I have decided to let it go ... which means when he gets back from holiday, there will be no picking up where we left off ... rather, a "you showed me know consideration during x-mas, and I didn't appreciate it." Period ... no anger, no resentment, nothing ... truth is, I didn't/don't appreciate it, and feel as if I pick up where we left off, it will be the beginning of me really being taken for granted. that's all.... if he wants me, he will find a way back, and if not ... well ... I am using this time to heal.

[frannie]

Hi sandy, I understand your problem, but let me help you out here. He doesn't need a gift from you, and he don't want to get you one because he has to get his WIFE a big i feel guilty for cheating gift, that will cost a lot of money, plus the kids gifts if he has any and extended family members, and his dogs gift if he has one.They all come way before you, so you don't register as important enough to get a gift for. As a way of feeling better about it, he proposed the x-mas gift pact so you won't buy him one, and he won't be forced to get you one. Don't worry about a gift. You give him the gift of being able to lie to the woman he made vows with, free sex without commitment if the A is a PA, and allow him to have his cake and eat it to. That is all the gifts he need from you. Plus don't worry about seeing him for the for the holidays, they are not for the OW. Holidays are for his wife and his family. You are no more than a pass time to him, like basketball or working out, something to relieve stress and help him escape reality like his home life. If you are gonna be the OW, know your place. You are last priority, and only there to take care of his selfish needs. You are not to be needy, clingy, want holidays and gifts, or expect to be considered important. There is a reason why affair partners get less time and scrapes of affection. Your job is to be there for him, take care of his selfish needs, put out sex without complaint, and never to ask him to chose between you or his wife. He has everything the way he want it. If you break your job title, as in expecting to be treated like a respectable girlfriend, and not the lowly mistress as you are, he will trade you in for another. Mistresses are easy to replace, wives are not. If he doesn't need another woman to buy gifts for and hear whine about time spent together and such. He has a wife for that. Know your place in his life, and no gift. If he by chance get you one, it is only to keep you there till he is tired of you and trade you in for another, which will eventually happen, unless he get caught first.

 

Thanks for the laugh. This is the funniest post I've read on here in a long time , talk about blinkered.

 

I do love him ... but, if he doesn't prove to me that this is anything more than a fling I am more than capable of taking my affections elsewhere and will ...

 

... then he can move on to another affair with someone else who can help him cope with his life ... I don't want that role ... I was/am legitimately testing this out to see if there is a future there, or the possibility of one .. ...

 

Sandy I think it's great that you think and write like this. He has to know you're not prepared to be the OW and be treated like #2. On the other hand, once again, if you're pinning it all on this gift, then you're not being 'fair' to him. HOWEVER, I see from things you write that you're almost using it like the toss of a coin: heads (gift) I stay in, tails (no gift) I leave. And I wonder why that is.

 

 

Darlin--STOP. Those thoughts you're having are not right. It's crazy talk. You're grasping on for a sign and willing to project meaning if no real sign is given.

• A gift does not mean he is thinking about leaving.
  
• The only way to know if he's thinking about leaving is if he TELLS you so, and your guy hasn't said that.
  
• Even if he does tell you he's thinking of leaving, it doesn't mean he will.
  
• Hell, even if he LEAVES (and I'm dating a seperated man) it still doesn't mean he's definitely going to end his marriage and fully commit to you.
  

Mistresses get guilty-gifts, too. They also get bribery gifts. You've got to let go of this thinking that if he does/doesn't get you a gift that it means he is committing to you!

 

Totally great post from WS. Tossing a coin or grasping for a sign is no way to decide what to do about a relationship. Well, OK, if that's what you want to do, then it is. IF you can make a 'decision' this way and stick to it it might be great for you. But then at least admit that your decision isn't really based on the gift (or lack of it)... its really based on not wanting to wait around for him. Which is fine. But really, his getting you a gift or not getting you a gift, or making Christmas special in any way is really no indication of what he feels, what he wants, or what he's going to do.

 

 

.. what about all of this married men who get divorced and then miraculously find a new wife a year (or less, sometimes a little more) later??? I know PLENTY of them! You mean to tell me that they all just happened to meet a new wife right after they got divorced??

 

I am thinking NOT! However, these are not the situations you/we see posted all over these boards ... nobody is going to come here for support about a situation that worked out for them! Nobody!!!!

 

Yes, I think it's a good idea to keep a balanced approach, realising that only the worst situations end up being talked about online... probably. But even those examples where the divorced man miraculously found a new partner so soon after his D... the OW probably went through a LOT of pain and anguish before 'everything worked out'. There is something about affairs and the people that have them that just makes it all turn out that way. Whatever the future holds for you if you stay involved with him, it is unlikely to be easy.

 

... one thing I vowed not to do was to just sit back and "accept" the lesser role ... if he is trying to put me in a lesser role because it's easier for him ... then he could go and find someone else ...

 

... if he loves me he will be with me ... and divorce her ... if he does not, or doesn't love me enough .. .then he could find someone else to help keep him in his marraige ...

 

Sandy, I have often felt this way when reading and posting on here during the affair I was in. It's very easy to get demoralised by the words others use, because they feed into your obvious fears. The fact is that no one posting here knows what your MM is thinking or feeling. Anything they write is pure supposition. Of course they know they can come here and knock a few negative posts off and get some kind of thrill from that for whatever reason. None of those posts will really help you get to the bottom of your MM's heart and mind, which is what really matters.

 

... he has invited me out with his friends before and wants to introduce me to people, but I don't want that ... I would rather keep this thing between us as I do not want to go parading around town with him as the OW ...

 

So, here's an update - I have decided to move forward. No, he didn't do anything for x-mas; haven't talked to him since last Friday ... if you consider a one line text talking ... last time we actually spoke was last Wednesday, and at that point it was a possibility that I would perhaps see him, if only briefly, on the 22nd - Monday. I wasn't sure if I would...

 

Just going to put forward another way of looking at this, and of course I may be way off. But you are making everything dependent on him getting a present or spending alone time with him. He, on the other hand, is asking you to spend time with his friends. I'm not saying that's great of him, but if you think about it, it MAY be that this is his way of doing something special for you. He's trying to integrate you with his friends, and you're brushing that off as 'not the right thing'. OK, it might not be great (completely willing to admit that!), but maybe it's a clash of needs. Why don't you talk to him about it?

 

BUT

 

... if I pick up where we left off, it will be the beginning of me really being taken for granted. that's all.... if he wants me, he will find a way back, and if not ... well ... I am using this time to heal.

 

I think that if this is what you want and need, then you should do that.

 

Affairs are fun, aren't they?

[OWoman]

Just going to put forward another way of looking at this, and of course I may be way off. But you are making everything dependent on him getting a present or spending alone time with him. He, on the other hand, is asking you to spend time with his friends. I'm not saying that's great of him, but if you think about it, it MAY be that this is his way of doing something special for you. He's trying to integrate you with his friends, and you're brushing that off as 'not the right thing'. OK, it might not be great (completely willing to admit that!), but maybe it's a clash of needs. Why don't you talk to him about it?

 

IME MMs introduce OWs to their friends (or family, or whomever else) in an integrating (rather than casual this-is-Jean-and-no-further-details way) only if they consider the OW to be a long-term fixture in their lives. This MAY be as an intended future partner; or it may simply be as a long-term OW. Usually one is able to gauge that from the way one is introduced, or the context, or the response of the friends / family /whomever - but far better to know in advance and establish whether or not you're comfortable with that.

 

Perhaps your MM is signalling that he sees "a future" with you through offering the introduction/s - you might want to clarify with him what that future involves, and what role he's expecting you to play in it. If it's supporting cast while he remains in his primary R with his W, then you can tell him bluntly you're not interested; if he tells you it's as his partner, you can ask how (and within what period) he plans to go about that - and then decide if that's acceptable to you.

 

I disagree with WS that only MMs who tell you they are leaving, leave - I've had early morning phone calls from echo-ey foyers from MMs who've informed me, in slightly disconnected voices, that they've "done it" wanting to talk / come over / move in / get married when they'd given no indication previously that that was on the agenda at all; they simply sat at dinner one evening and thought, I can't go on with this farce, packed a bag and left. Each MM, like each A, has its differences and it's impossible to predict any with any kind of certainty. You need to do what's right for YOU, in your own situation.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can give you the perspective from the other side:

 

You are thinking of what a gift and Christmas means in terms of a regular relationship. It isn't the same when you are involved with a married person. If they get you a gift at all, they have to come up with some way to explain it if it is found, or if the money is noticed to have gone missing. If they get one, same story - though, a lot of times the gift either stays off-site (in his office or at a friend's house for instance) or is thrown out on the way home to avoid the chance of it tipping off the BS.

 

If he isn't getting you a gift or spending Christmas time with you, it is probably for practical reasons rather than the emotional ones you are trying to ascribe to it. There is a lot that goes on during holiday time. It really isn't the time for OW or OM, in most cases.

 

You are the OW, not the W or family so you can't very well expect that you would be on an equal priority right now. He has little enough time for what he has, much less having to find time for the 'other'. Christmas has little to do with you and him, and everything to do with his marital friends and family. I'm sure he'll have more time for you when the holidays are over.

 

If you want someone to share meaningful holidays with you, bring you into their family, and share you with friends and family as a priority in their life then you may want to reconsider staying in this relationship, and finding a man who is free to show you the emotional consideration you want and need.