bubblebutt77 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Hello all, I learned about this website thru a friend and now I'm posting a thread myself. I'm engaged to a man whom I've dated for a bit over three years now. Our relationship was mainly long distance. Since two years ago when I first found out about the time he lost his virginity, I've been having major issues with jealousy and insecurity. I don't even know why I asked him. But ever since, I think about that ex he lost his virginity to, what she looks like, etc. I try to fish out more information about the girl from my fiance. I even found her on myspace and began checking her profile pic from time to time. I'm very disturbed with myself. I feel like a sick stalker. \ I know that I'm very wrong to attack him with unnecessary questions about the past. He doesn't like to talk about the past, he doesn't care. I know that he loves me very much and the past is not significant to him. But I can't help it. It makes me want to offend my fiance and verbally abuse him; other times, it makes me want to cry and throw a tantrum. I think I'm really sick. I've talked to a counselor a couple times but it didn't help me alot. I just want to be happy. I wish I never asked about his past at all. It shouldn't matter because he loves me and he chose me. Would I ever get over it? I think I can. But I think it will take me a while. I'm just very ashamed with myself. I don't know who else to talk to about this, because it's so embarrassing and demoralizing. I'm sorry if this sounds ridiculous, but these are my genuine feelings. Please respond, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Adri Ana Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Hello all, I learned about this website thru a friend and now I'm posting a thread myself. I'm engaged to a man whom I've dated for a bit over three years now. Our relationship was mainly long distance. Since two years ago when I first found out about the time he lost his virginity, I've been having major issues with jealousy and insecurity. I don't even know why I asked him. But ever since, I think about that ex he lost his virginity to, what she looks like, etc. I try to fish out more information about the girl from my fiance. I even found her on myspace and began checking her profile pic from time to time. I'm very disturbed with myself. I feel like a sick stalker. \ I know that I'm very wrong to attack him with unnecessary questions about the past. He doesn't like to talk about the past, he doesn't care. I know that he loves me very much and the past is not significant to him. But I can't help it. It makes me want to offend my fiance and verbally abuse him; other times, it makes me want to cry and throw a tantrum. I think I'm really sick. I've talked to a counselor a couple times but it didn't help me alot. I just want to be happy. I wish I never asked about his past at all. It shouldn't matter because he loves me and he chose me. Would I ever get over it? I think I can. But I think it will take me a while. I'm just very ashamed with myself. I don't know who else to talk to about this, because it's so embarrassing and demoralizing. I'm sorry if this sounds ridiculous, but these are my genuine feelings. Please respond, thank you. It`s called an official masochism ,bubblebutt77 Do not go for that , stop following it . Your bf is with you , it means he likes and loves you , not her . Relationships,physical contacts happen and will always happen between men and women , but there is no need to know all what had happened , as simply all this is past ,and you live in present . Stop torturing your self . It`s indeed ridiculous ,and you understand this well . Best of luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 So then you obviously lost your virginity to this man. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Try your hardest to enjoy the moments spent with your significant other, and to distract yourself from thoughts of his past. If he doesn't like to talk about it (or rather her specifically) that's a really good sign. That means he's totally over that period of his life and only wants to think about the two of you. We all get to have a past. It is part of what makes us who we are. If he's not dwelling on his past, neither should you. Point your compass from the past to the future. He ultimately chose YOU. That's all that matters right now. Don't beat yourself up over this retroactive jealousy thing. It happens to a lot of us. Just know that you can work through it, and that you can make a decision to value your time in the here and now rather than the past. Hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 So what's going on with your bubble butt? I'd like photographic evidence of this phenomenon. J/k - don't sweat the minor stuff though, he's with you and happy, all that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicChick24 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 As many have already said before me: There is a reason she is in his past and you are his future Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubblebutt77 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 Thank you all, for your input... In response to the things that were asked.... 1) no, i actually lost my virginity to a different person. that's why my jealousy is completely irrational..yeah i don't get it at all. 2) bubble butt is a personal nickname that my bf gave me...i like how it sounds so... I think I will be patient with myself and try hard to shift from focusing on the past to the future with him. Thanks all again, I really appreciate your help. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 So if you lost your virginity to him, you think that your jealousy would be rational? I don't think that you have the right to judge him about his past. It's not like he has slept with 100 women. People have lives before they meet you and you have to understand that. The only thing I believe we have a right to know about someone's sexual past is that all of their experiences involved a condom. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenboy Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 there isn't much more you can do. you've hit the problem right on, your insecurity. there is an OCD component to this, read up on techniques to break that cycle. recognize it for what it is... those intrusive thoughts (obsession) lead to a compulsion (ask questions, say hurtful things)... you can learn to change that behavior. in the meantime, seeing a counselor/therapist to build your own self-esteem will help too. there's no easy answer or magic cure. but the answer lies with you. trust. security. vulnerability. Link to post Share on other sites
buffacekt Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 My bf and I have been together for 2 years, and we both broke up with exes to be together. This past x-mas while visiting his mother she wanted him to clean out his old room and of came across all the old letters and cards and it made me sick to my stomach... but to make things worse I got even more curious and logged into his old email account and read all sorts of sappy love letters and it broke my heart that he used to have something so special with someone else. She was his first love and they met in high school and had been together for 3 years. But since they broke up they haven't had any contact. I couldn't stop reading them though and looking at pictures of how happy he was. So I came clean and told him everything thats been bothering me. He wasn't mad that I'd been so snoopy, and sort of understood my jealousy. He never talked about her or his life while he was with her and admitted he didnt' even realize he had as much stuff as he did. And even though things are better and we understand e/o for some reason the things I saw still replay in my head. Like having an annoying song stuck in your mind that you just can't get rid of. I don't know what to do from here. He's told me everything I need to hear and I truly believe it all. But then I hear a love song on the radio and can't help but wonder if he ever quoted the lyrics to her in a love letter. (as evident in his emails, he did that a lot). Does he think of her everytime he hears those songs? Why can't I let it go? Sorry this was so long, I guess I needed to vent to someone that might understand where Im coming from, b/c he just thinks Im questioning how he feels about me, which isn't the case at all. Link to post Share on other sites
ObsessiveCompulsive Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I have no ideas on how you can help this... But just thought i'd let you know.. You're not alone Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubblebutt77 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 forgive me for the late response, i just read it. yeah, i now fully realize i'm not alone.. To Buffacekt: although it's very slow, i am overcoming these insecure feelings and so will you. my advice to you now is to try and stop looking at all those letters and photos of your bf's ex..(that is if you still are....) i know it's very tempting but you need to somehow stop. when i was looking for pictures of my fiance's ex on myspace, i felt really really really bad and sick. and worse, i got angry and even more jealous after actually seeing the pictures. so don't do it. it's hard, but just try. occupy your mind with something else everytime you feel the urge..... most importantly, you will get over it! your boyfriend is all about you now Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 The whole issue says more about you than it does about him, you know that don't you? You have a hostile insecurity and something about your self-esteem isn't right. I think you could do with counselling but it sounds like one of two things (possibly both) happened:Your previous counselling had no effect because - ONE: The therapist wasn't approaching your issues in a constructive way. TWO: You could have been deliberately but subconsciously blocking progress because you were afraid of what you'd find.... The symptom of your problem is your irrational behaviour (jealousy, anger, obsessiveness), but your actual issue still needs locating and dealing with. Where it began, and how it grew unchecked. What fed it. What in you, feeds it now. Link to post Share on other sites
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