To tell or not to tell?

[Sunni Moon]

Hi all! I wasn’t sure if I should post my question here, or in another section, but here goes…

 

I’m married, but on the verge of divorce. I moved far too quickly in my relationship with my husband, and as a result, I didn’t get a chance to see the “real” side of him until after we were married.

 

He turned out to be very controlling and nasty. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive, frequently dropping the FU-bomb on me along with telling me to shut the f*&! up, and that I’m stupid and worthless. He also blames me for everything that goes wrong. I realized that staying with him was a mistake, but it was a bit too late…

 

I recently found out I am pregnant, but I don’t want him involved AT ALL. I just want to leave and have and raise my baby on my own. I’m afraid that he will try to use the baby to hurt me, as he usually does things to hurt me on purpose and then feigns innocence and or ignorance. I’m afraid he’ll do more harm than good as a father.

 

I haven’t even told him yet and I really don’t want to, but I fell horribly guilty. I was planning to just leave. Not only that, he recently moved “us” away from my family, friends and everything else I have ever known.

He said it would be good for us, but it hasn’t turned out that way for me because I’m isolated now.

 

My only interaction is with him. I call my friends and family, but I don’t see anyone but him.

 

I’m also diabetic and he has no interest in learning about my condition. He wouldn’t even know how to help me if I needed it and I know because the times I told him that I was having a low blood sugar episode, he just said ok and stayed seated on the couch watching television, or he just rolled over and went back to sleep.

 

He never got up to check on me not once. Because I’m pregnant and diabetic, I’m a high risk pregnancy.

 

How can I comfortably depend on him for anything? How could we as a couple be a good role model for the baby if we have a bad relationship?

 

My question is: Would it do more harm to my child in the long run if he/she did not ever know his/her father? Would it really be such a bad thing if I ran away and didn’t tell him about the baby?

Please help. Thank you.

[Geishawhelk]

If you are determined to move out and move on, you are going to have to do so quickly.

 

On a purely practical level, move out before your pregnancy shows.

File for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour or irreconcilable differences, and when the baby is born, leave your husband's name off the birth certificate.

Give the baby your maiden surname.

 

But think very carefully about everything you do, and don't base your decisions on emotive reasoning. Base them on the factually legal and practical.

if you permit yourself to be driven by emotion, you are 100% certain to get things wrong.

[georgejungle]

I agree. Don't act on emotion and let any sort of GUILT ruin

your thought process. You need out of this as quickly and

un-messy as possible. You married a guy that is all wrong for

you, don't stay in this relationship, just for your child. You will

regret it later, since it doesn't seem like he's a good role model type.

[Sunni Moon]

Thank you Geisha and George for your reponses. I'm still struggling with it, obviously. I know I have to do what's best for my baby in the long run, but I still really wish things were different. I want to share this experience with him, but I'm very doubtful that it's a good idea. It's always something. He gets mad, tells me that I obviously don't care about him and that I'm full of sh&t when I try to explain my position or my feelings. All the time. If I try to have a civilized conversation with him, he just turns things around on me like everything is my fault and he doesn't care who's around. He yelled at me in front of friends during our reception afterparty. I ran into a guy I was friends with in high school, who was with his fiance, btw, and he started yelling at me because I was "leaving him to talk fo some "mutherf*cker" I knew from school. I had a f-ing problem and I shouldn't have "left" him for so long." I could go on and on about things that have happened between us, but it's pointless because I know (a) it'll just highlight how stupid I was for staying and putting up with it for so long and (b) this isn't going to change for the better. He's just blameless in everything and someone is always doing some injustice to him, but he never does anything to anyone...at least that's how he tells it. Anyway, I'm staying with my family now. Thanks again guys.

[You'reasian]

Wow. Sounds tough! I've never been married but hearing this is a very black & white example of how NOT to be in a marriage.

 

How long have you guys been married?

[Sunni Moon]

We've been married a year and seven months. As for how you don't want marriage to be...I was/am the same way! The thing is that I got caught up in the apologies and the promises to change, the super nice and attentive moments after he cursed me and or treated me badly. I obviously wasn't paying attention when he was becoming who he is now...or maybe he is who he's always been and I was just wearing my rose colored glasses? This is tough because I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I didn't feel it was the best thing to keep my pregnancy a secret from him just to save my child's mental health in the long run, but that's what I have to do. Thanks for responding to the thread.

[You'reasian]

Most men behave negatively as a reaction to something that is done to threaten their part of the relationship. Period.

 

If the man in question blows up for no reason, he needs some kind of psyche eval to see what it is that's causing him.

 

However, say that in your instance - your guy friend from highschool - sent you a message saying he wanted to be your lover - you tried to sweep it under the rug but got caught - his response is probably normal.

 

We don't know the full story. Perhaps if we had some background on the both of you, his side of the story etc. we could be of more help.

 

For instance, if both of you have had trouble with relationships in the past and say once of you was divorced - it could open up a can of worms.

[Sunni Moon]

Most men behave negatively as a reaction to something that is done to threaten their part of the relationship. Period.

 

If the man in question blows up for no reason, he needs some kind of psyche eval to see what it is that's causing him.

 

However, say that in your instance - your guy friend from highschool - sent you a message saying he wanted to be your lover - you tried to sweep it under the rug but got caught - his response is probably normal.

 

We don't know the full story. Perhaps if we had some background on the both of you, his side of the story etc. we could be of more help.

 

For instance, if both of you have had trouble with relationships in the past and say once of you was divorced - it could open up a can of worms.

 

Yes, I know that most men react negatively to something that threatens their relationship, but he saw me standing there talking to the guy with his arm draped around his fiance and I was in my wedding dress no less! There was nothing going on and he, along with everyone else could clearly see that. My soon to be ex blows up about many small things for no logical reason because he needs to be in control of everything. I even told him that I didn't like being threatened or given ultimatums and he said that was the only way he could get me to realize what I needed to do. Doesn't make sense to me, but this is what I'm up against.

 

As for history, he did have trouble with relationships in the past, namely (and I found this out after we were already married) that he used to beat up on his last girlfriend. I found that out through a case of mistaken identity from one of his old friends. They had a bad relationship (obviously), but when we got together, I wasn't combative like that and when he tried to be combative with me, I told him I wasn't okay with it. All he did was say, okay and that he wouldn't talk to me like that anymore and that he was used to behaving that way because of his last relationship, but that was almost three years ago. I would think he would have come out of that by now, but he hasn't. He's only gotten worse since we got married. He started treating me like I was his property, not a person anymore.

 

I came here to get people's opinions about keeping a pregnancy a secret from their partner because the partner is toxic and would only aid in passing the toxicity along. I grew up in a house like that and I can honestly say that it did me NO GOOD to know my father. I wanted my parents to get a divorce for as long as I can remember and I had very bad feelings toward my mom for a long time for keeping him around and letting him treat her, me and my siblings like crap. I don't want to repeat that.

 

I want to tell my husband, but I'm really concerned about how all of our lives lives will play out in the long run, namely me and out child. He is nasty to me right now for any reason he can think of and I don't think a child will help the situation. I don't want to try to raise a child with him on the hope that he'll change when the baby gets here. I don't want a son who feels that he can talk to people any way he wants and doesn't respect women and I don't want a daughter who thinks it's okay to let some guy who "loves" her to treat her like crap and she takes it because she loves him and stays around thinking he'll change. These are the messages a child would get from our relationship and I don't want that. This sucks.

[savannahblues]

Speaking from past experience......Protect yourself and your unborn! He will always be the father you cannot change that, however there is nothing that says he has to be an active role model in your child's life right now. The first 5 years of a child's life is the most impressionable. Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. This will a hard obstacle to face. I wish you luck! God bless!

[You'reasian]

Yes, I know that most men react negatively to something that threatens their relationship, but he saw me standing there talking to the guy with his arm draped around his fiance and I was in my wedding dress no less! .

 

That's not normal.

 

As for history, he did have trouble with relationships in the past, namely (and I found this out after we were already married) that he used to beat up on his last girlfriend. I found that out through a case of mistaken identity from one of his old friends. They had a bad relationship (obviously), but when we got together, I wasn't combative like that and when he tried to be combative with me, I told him I wasn't okay with it. All he did was say, okay and that he wouldn't talk to me like that anymore and that he was used to behaving that way because of his last relationship, but that was almost three years ago. I would think he would have come out of that by now, but he hasn't. He's only gotten worse since we got married. He started treating me like I was his property, not a person anymore. .

 

Well, if he's physically beating his girlfriend, he's putting her safety at risk - rather than protecting her. Get the evidence together and file a police report. Get protection.

 

I want to tell my husband, but I'm really concerned about how all of our lives lives will play out in the long run. I don't want a son who feels that he can talk to people any way he wants and doesn't respect women and I don't want a daughter who thinks it's okay to let some guy who "loves" her to treat her like crap and she takes it because she loves him and stays around thinking he'll change. These are the messages a child would get from our relationship and I don't want that. This sucks.

 

Generally speaking, men respect women who respect them. Why? Men earn each other's respect. Respect requires trust.

 

The reasons why men won't respect women:

 

1. They grew up in that kind of household.

2. They grew up in that kind of society.

3. They see women as disrespectful in relationships with men.

4. They feel they can't trust women, through repetition of bad experiences, disrespectful media (pop music, really hard-core porn etc.) or lack of experience being around them.

 

By withholding your husband from your child's life, you succeed in 1 & 2 but at the same time, your child will never know their biological father - which could play a huge rule in his psychological development. It could send him in an identity crisis. Boys need their dads. Period.

 

With number 3 & 4, hope that he comes into contact with good women and develops good, relatively clean taste in media. Take a teenage boy or a young man who gets burned by a few girls and listens too intently to gangsta rap for instance who doesn't have a father figure in his life that gives him direction and discipline (the one you took from him) and your creating one more potential gang-banger.

[Sunni Moon]

The reasons why men won't respect women:

 

1. They grew up in that kind of household.

2. They grew up in that kind of society.

3. They see women as disrespectful in relationships with men.

4. They feel they can't trust women, through repetition of bad experiences, disrespectful media (pop music, really hard-core porn etc.) or lack of experience being around them.

 

By withholding your husband from your child's life, you succeed in 1 & 2 but at the same time, your child will never know their biological father - which could play a huge rule in his psychological development. It could send him in an identity crisis. Boys need their dads. Period.

 

With number 3 & 4, hope that he comes into contact with good women and develops good, relatively clean taste in media. Take a teenage boy or a young man who gets burned by a few girls and listens too intently to gangsta rap for instance who doesn't have a father figure in his life that gives him direction and discipline (the one you took from him) and your creating one more potential gang-banger.

 

I'm beginning to think you're responding in jest and suggesting that by not having the dad around I am "creating one more potential gang-banger" is pretty offensive. My husband had both parents in his life and he turned out the way he did. Also, my husband is not with his EX girlfriend anymore, he's been married to me for the past year and seven months. I don't have to gather evidence on what happened between the two of them and file a police report on her behalf. She needed to to that when it was happening five years ago. I don't know if you truly read my posts at all, but my issue is that I'm afraid that if I expose my child to the dad, who has a history of being physically abusive in his past relationships and he's emotionally and verbally abusive to me right now, his wife, do you honestly think our child would be better off? How could my husband demonstrate direction and discipline to our child if he can't exercise those qualities himself? He hit his ex-girlfriend and he's currently very nast to me. Perhaps the dad can deomostrate how to be a woman beater? If "girls burn you" then berate then and smack them around?

 

BTW, while there has been data to support the importance of having a male figure in a boy's life, reality has shown that it could go either way. One one hand, single mothers have raised great sons, just look at Barack Obama. His dad was absent and he's turned out well from what I've seen in his relationships with his wife and his children. On the other hand, John Wayne Gacy grew up with both his mother and father, but his dad was a nasty character. He grew up to be a serial killer.

 

I have males from whom my child (I never stated whether it was a boy, so I'm not quite sure why you'd assume it is) can learn. They are positive role models, but my husband, unfortunately, is not. Also, I do believe that Scott Peterson's father was a part of his life and look how he turned out. He killed his pregnant wife. On a good note, through responding to you and reading over everything, I realize that my initial thoughts to go at it alone were right. I'm going to do the right thing for me and my unborn child. Thanks.

[You'reasian]

I'm beginning to think you're responding in jest and suggesting that by not having the dad around I am "creating one more potential gang-banger" is pretty offensive.

 

My intentions aren't offensive. Sorry if they came across that way. I'm going to say upfront that I am biased; pro-marriage and am pro-taking care of my future wife/family.

 

I'm also pro-taking the time to get to know the woman I want to marry. No rush.

 

My husband had both parents in his life and he turned out the way he did. Also, my husband is not with his EX girlfriend anymore, he's been married to me for the past year and seven months. .

 

How do you know he didn't cheat on you? You paint him as a terrible dude. Afterall, the man isn't afraid to beat his ex. Cheating for a guy like that could be alot easier.

 

I'm afraid that if I expose my child to the dad, who has a history of being physically abusive in his past relationships and he's emotionally and verbally abusive to me right now, his wife, do you honestly think our child would be better off? How could my husband demonstrate direction and discipline to our child if he can't exercise those qualities himself? He hit his ex-girlfriend and he's currently very nasty to me. Perhaps the dad can deomostrate how to be a woman beater? If "girls burn you" then berate then and smack them around? .

 

I'm sorry, Sunni, but you chose him. I wish I could say something more soothing. Personally, I would never smack a girl around at the same token I wouldn't put up with a woman who thought she could smack me around (why would a woman do this in the first place?)

 

BTW, while there has been data to support the importance of having a male figure in a boy's life, reality has shown that it could go either way. One one hand, single mothers have raised great sons, just look at Barack Obama. His dad was absent and he's turned out well from what I've seen in his relationships with his wife and his children. On the other hand, John Wayne Gacy grew up with both his mother and father, but his dad was a nasty character. He grew up to be a serial killer.

 

I'm suggesting the potential is there, not that there's certainty in going either direction.

 

Suggesting that the fathers are always at fault here leads me to believe that you might come from a line of abusive men yourself and if that's the case, its unfortunate and I'm sorry for you.

 

Women can be abusive too if not manipulative (check out previous female posters that we've called out on their stories) and I'm not suggesting you are.

 

Some women love the gossip/rumor mill - they create some interesting rumors, not only about their lady friends but males too and spread that stuff around and around - which really boils down to a sign of weakness, immaturity and cowardess. Don't you think?

 

Strong women don't do that kind of thing. I know, because I'm lucky enough to have one in my life...

 

I have males from whom my child (I never stated whether it was a boy, so I'm not quite sure why you'd assume it is) can learn. They are positive role models, but my husband, unfortunately, is not. Also, I do believe that Scott Peterson's father was a part of his life and look how he turned out. He killed his pregnant wife. On a good note, through responding to you and reading over everything, I realize that my initial thoughts to go at it alone were right. I'm going to do the right thing for me and my unborn child. Thanks.

 

Life is much more difficult as a single mom from what I see. I wouldn't wish that on any female friend of mine, but if they have to go it alone so be it.

[You'reasian]

According to the Heritage foundation, when "fathers are absent from their families, the rate of juvenile delinquency rises dramatically"

 

"The incarceration rate for juveniles from single parent families is 22-times higher than that of juvenile families with married parents" based on data collected from the state of Wisconsin.

 

http://www.heritage.org/research/crime/bg1351.cfm

by Patrick Faghan, PhD

 

Let's assume that the Heritage foundation is slanted to a more conservative viewpoint, so we'll have to cross reference a more liberal source.

 

President Obama sited another statistic that stated juveniles from single-parent households are 5 times more likely to be in poverty and commit crime.

 

“I think there are very few social scientists these days who wouldn’t agree that children in single-parent households are at risk of a variety of bad outcomes and that family structure has some causal impact on that risk...Obama’s premise that the absence of fathers is leading to social problems is backed up by research..."

 

Politifact from St. Petersburgh Times

http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/537/

 

 

Now that we've got statistics from politically different sources verifying this, the question is:

 

How can a single parent raise a future Obama inspite of the odds?

 

I do have friends that were raised by single parents and have become happy, healthy adults - what do these single parents do, have that other single parents do not?

[Mary3]

OP DO NOT tell the father about the baby !

 

You need to get a safe place to go , where you are protected , receive counseling and ALL the things here you wrote will be discussed at the meetings.

 

Contact your local battered womens shelter and seek shelter .

 

This man is deeply screwed up inside. You worry me when you say : I just want to tell him.

 

He is treating you like human garbage.

 

He is lower than pond scum.

 

I promise you if you dont get out the fists will be coming out shortly. He has isolated you for a REASON.

 

I fear for you life.

 

Please contact directory assistance and ask for the local battered womens shelter and how you can escape.

 

You need therapy to determine WHY you would let this LOSER isolate and control you , ignore a severe medical condition .

 

YOU GAIN NOTHING by telling this piece of human waste that you are carrying his baby.

 

I KNOW you said he isnt physically hurting you but thats NEXT !

[Sunni Moon]

How do you know he didn't cheat on you?

 

I don't. I've suspected it, but I never did anything about it...bad move on my part, I know.

 

 

I'm sorry, Sunni, but you chose him.

 

I know, but that's not why I'm here. I wanted other people's opinion on a situation I am having trouble with. I would have posted under abuse or relationships if I wanted to vent about the dad. I just want to know if it's absolutely wrong to not wany him around. I know I made a mistake...I've made many and I think it's time for me to stop now.

 

 

 

Suggesting that the fathers are always at fault here leads me to believe that you might come from a line of abusive men yourself and if that's the case, its unfortunate and I'm sorry for you.

 

I didn't suggest that fathers are always to blame for anything. I actually smile when I see a dad doing what he's supposed to do as a father. I always hoped that I would have that with my husband and my child. It's a rare thing these days, don't you think? You may be an exception - a man who obviously respects the union of marriage as well as his partner and his children (if you have any). If you take a gander at the boards, you'll see that there are a lot of men on here who simply lack respect for their partners and fail to take the relationship seriously. Unfortunately, I ignored my neon signs and failed to move quickly enough. What I was saying is that you suggested that having the biological father (no matter what he's like as a person) around is the only way to go if you want to make sure your child stays on the right track. I don't agree. Wouldn't you think it's better to have a positive role model? I do. I certainly do not believe it will be easy raising my child on my own, by any means, but I also know plenty of single moms who have raised successful children, so I know it's not impossible.

 

 

Some women love the gossip/rumor mill - they create some interesting rumors, not only about their lady friends but males too and spread that stuff around and around - which really boils down to a sign of weakness, immaturity and cowardess. Don't you think?

 

I agree, but I don't get where you're going with this one. Please explain if you'd like.

 

 

Life is much more difficult as a single mom from what I see.

 

I know, but I have a strong support system. I'm sure it's even more difficult raising a child in a toxic relationship where there's a lack of support and a blatant and constant display of disrespect.

[Sunni Moon]

Thank you Mary3. My family and friends fear the same thing. I would like to believe that is not a possibility, but I can't say for sure.

[Mary3]

Thank you Mary3. My family and friends fear the same thing. I would like to believe that is not a possibility, but I can't say for sure.

 

Well I CAN say for sure the statistics are HIGH for physical abuse. What does he have to lose ? He's isolated you now. His sick wishes to hurt you will be played out eventually.

 

If you have to call 911 and tell them you are having a diabetic attack to get out the door , do it. Not to abuse the 911 system but its highly unlikely this man is going to keep you safe . Once the beatings start , you are DONE.

[Sunni Moon]

I actually told him I had a death in the family and I've been at my sister's house in our old state since last week. He's actually here visiting his family, but he's giving me the silent treatment because he's mad that (a) I came back to our home state so early and "left" him all alone and (b) I wanted to spend a few hours with my family on Christmas Eve. Maybe I should get my things now while he's not there.

[Sunni Moon]

And we're also staying in separate places, so we haven't seen each other.

[moonshadow]

Sunni,

 

As much as I think a father has the right to know they have a child, I think in a situation like this; one of blatant abuse, you are morally right to NOT TELL HIM, at least not now. You need to focus on getting away from him and living in a safe environment (with family); safe for you and your unborn child. You and your child have to be your #1 priority. As far as I'm concerned, he's lost the right to have the privilege of a child due to the fact that he's a cold-hearted, uncaring, abusive SOB. He has surely not fulfilled his role as a husband, he doesn't deserve the privilege of a child.

 

I left my very abusive ex husband many years ago; I was 26 at the time. Like with your husband, mine was rude and nasty to me at our wedding reception. I was speaking to some old friends (female) from high school, sitting at their table with them, catching up. I stayed sitting there for about 20 minutes because basically prior to this his witch of a Mother came up and announced that "they" were taking a family picture and it was clear I wasn't to be part of that......so I was left standing in the hall like a dope..so was thankful to have people to talk to, my friends. He was obviously busy with his family so what was I supposed to do? He then came over to me and chewed me out, raised voice, swearing, implied that i was his "wife" and I was embarassing him by not being there right by his side!!! I was so embarassed.

 

My ex husband used to speak to me like yours does....the foul language, the filthy names, the cursing, the put-downs, the total indifference to my well-being, etc. After a year of marriage, I took his physical/mental/emotional and psychological abuse one last time; I fled our home (out in the country) and went to the police station. I then found my own place. I remember being mortified that maybe I was pregnant; that if I were, I'd never be able to leave him for good.......and that I'd forever be connected to him and his nasty/hill-billy family.........and they'd make my life hell, perhaps try to take custody of the child, etc. I remember being at work and having my good friend (another nurse) take a urine sample down to the lab. This had to all be done discreetly because his Mom worked at the hospital too, it was a small town/small hospital and everyone talked and gossiped. I remember we had to make up a fake name on the requisition so that if the test was positive, I'd have a chance to process it before the word had spread like wildfire. As it was a small town, I was too afraid to buy a home pregnancy test.

 

Luckily I was not pregnant and a year after that I was able to relocate to a town 20 hours away. But I know to this day, had I been pregnant, our child would have had a horrible life filled with abuse. I myself grew up in a very physically/verbally/emotionally abusive home (my Mom) and i would rather died than bring a child into that kind of nightmare. Knowing my ex husband, he was so vindictive and spiteful and nasty......his family, too (they naturally took his side when I went to the police and the police were the ones to charge him w/ assault against me......guess they never saw the bruises, nor were they there that night when he kept me hostage in our home for 3 hours before I was able to flee).....he was likely the type to kill me and our child if it meant stopping me from having something he wanted.

 

Stay with your family, make a home there...............do not tell him about the pregnancy and be very very careful WHO you tell (you don't want to risk word getting back to him) and if you use a computer he has access to (like to type here or email family, etc), be careful what you write - if he gets suspicious he could track what you're writing. As you may already know, the period of highest risk for an abused woman is when she's about to leave/has just left. If he gets wind of this, PLUS the fact that you're pregnant, you are at high risk.

 

By not telling him, you're also putting your health into consideration. Again, you have to put yourself and your baby as #1.

 

It sounds like you're visiting with family now, you mentioned something about returning to your home to get some things? If you do this, take people with you, do not go alone. Take men with you if you have to but if there are things you can live without, don't risk it.

 

stay safe.

[Izzie1973]

Hi all! I wasn’t sure if I should post my question here, or in another section, but here goes…

 

I’m married, but on the verge of divorce. I moved far too quickly in my relationship with my husband, and as a result, I didn’t get a chance to see the “real” side of him until after we were married.

 

He turned out to be very controlling and nasty. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive, frequently dropping the FU-bomb on me along with telling me to shut the f*&! up, and that I’m stupid and worthless. He also blames me for everything that goes wrong. I realized that staying with him was a mistake, but it was a bit too late…

 

I recently found out I am pregnant, but I don’t want him involved AT ALL. I just want to leave and have and raise my baby on my own. I’m afraid that he will try to use the baby to hurt me, as he usually does things to hurt me on purpose and then feigns innocence and or ignorance. I’m afraid he’ll do more harm than good as a father.

 

I haven’t even told him yet and I really don’t want to, but I fell horribly guilty. I was planning to just leave. Not only that, he recently moved “us” away from my family, friends and everything else I have ever known.

He said it would be good for us, but it hasn’t turned out that way for me because I’m isolated now.

 

My only interaction is with him. I call my friends and family, but I don’t see anyone but him.

 

I’m also diabetic and he has no interest in learning about my condition. He wouldn’t even know how to help me if I needed it and I know because the times I told him that I was having a low blood sugar episode, he just said ok and stayed seated on the couch watching television, or he just rolled over and went back to sleep.

 

He never got up to check on me not once. Because I’m pregnant and diabetic, I’m a high risk pregnancy.

 

How can I comfortably depend on him for anything? How could we as a couple be a good role model for the baby if we have a bad relationship?

 

My question is: Would it do more harm to my child in the long run if he/she did not ever know his/her father? Would it really be such a bad thing if I ran away and didn’t tell him about the baby?

Please help. Thank you.

You should talk to a lawyer. This person has a narcissistic, battering personality and you should protect your unborn child. Who knows how he might react when you tell him you are pregnant. Run, run, run--you will never find satisfaction with someone like this.

[FlyingToaster]

I agree with pretty much everybody who has posted. With your H's past history with you and other SO's, you need to get out of there fast and without telling him you are pregnant.

 

IMO, having a baby doesn't change a relationship for the better. There is definitely stress when the baby gets here, and it can make problems in the relationship worse. Also, he may take anger out on your child or you if you're not giving him the attention HE feels he deserves. Do you want that to happen? I look at my son everyday and am thankful for the father he has. I think of those children that aren't as fortunate, and it makes me sad and angry.

 

Get out and don't look back.

 

Take care.

[FlyingToaster]

I just wanted to clarify something. Having a baby is wonderful, but if you're having problems in your relationship, the stress involved doesn't make things any better. I didn't want anybody to think that having a child isn't a good thing, it's just easier dealing with the stress and anxiety of it when you and your partner are on solid ground relationship-wise.

 

You need to get out of the situation you're in, and you need to make sure that you don't get yourself into another one like that again. Take time to evaluate your mistakes and figure out why you chose who you did. Even if you take longer to get to know the next person, they may still have some of the bad traits your H has. Learn to recognize the red flags and not look away.

 

Take care.