xxkiwihoneyxx Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Guys help me out here. I've started dating a new man. Our dates are really romantic and special. We have a great time together, whether its eating out, watching movies together, just talking or having amazing sex. He asks me for the next date when we're together. And for the day after I've seen him, I am glowing with happiness. We have agreed that we are in an exclusive relationship and not seeing other people. In the first month, he sent me txt messages everyday and called. But...my phone has stopped ringing. I'm so confused. This week he just texted me superificial messages and we only saw each other once. Yet that evening was great? We went out to dinner and had a such a lovely evening together and he seemed completely into me and happy with me. I asked him why he had been distant this week and he assured me that he was just busy in the run up to Christmas and his feelings about me hadn't changed. But now he had to go away this weekend - and I haven't heard anything for two days?!! I sent him a text message on Saturday and he didn't even respond. I am so confused. I'm starting to feel fearful and insecure and worry and rejected. I have had guys lie to me, cheat and abandon me in the past so its triggering those fears in me. Is he taking me for granted? Really just busy? Does he want space? Does he just assume everything is fine and he doesn't need to call? I don't feel I can ask him to call me more or call or txt him too much or I will just push him away. I don't feel I can discuss it with him again because on Friday I had mentioned his not calling and asked if his feelings had changed for me and he said no, so I would imagine he would realised from that he should call me more? agh! I really just don't want to be in a situation where he is telling me its all fine and its not? Is he cheating? Or just lazy and taking me for granted? Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Did you ever find yourself so busy in other friends/hobbies/interests that your current SO hadn't crossed your mind? It can happen like that. I could love you to pieces, but if I'm on an excursion to the beach for example with a few of my friends for the weekend, it's easy to lose track of time. Don't read any more into it than what's there. Exclusive doesn't mean your whole life devoted to only one person. Don't fret one weekend. It sounds like he's provided you with plenty of reassurance. You have to give each other the opportunity to miss one another once in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 [pet peeve] This kind of thing drives me nuts. If a guy can't maintain a certain standard, don't fricken' do it to begin with!!!!!! [/end pet peeve] It's called reasonable expectation management. Are you guys listening? It's up to you, reliant how much you really want this guy. Never, ever let fear of loss drive your actions. If his actions aren't to your satisfaction, talk to him. Of course any discussion, even a rational one, might turn him off. It depends on whether he's a reasonable guy or not and how much you want from him. One thing is for certain. Don't send him anymore text messages or call him. Let him come to you. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 I am so confused. I'm starting to feel fearful and insecure and worry and rejected. I have had guys lie to me, cheat and abandon me in the past so its triggering those fears in me. Kiwihoney, let me start off by saying I am sorry for the anxiety you are experiencing because I can completely relate. Honestly it sounds like it was me who has written this post. See, I started dating a guy about two months ago and we havent had an "exlcusive" talk yet but its pretty obvious we're going in that direction. We have great dates, fun movie nights, are very passionate with one another and the chemistry is amazing (we havent had sex yet but I know thats coming too ) Even still, I am as paranoid as you. I too have had awful boyfriends (and awful parents) who lied, abandoned and rejected me. It is nearly impossible to set aside these doubts when they are so deeply engrained in you. I wrote a post on here a week back just because he didnt respond to an email of mine! It is silly and I know it but this fear IS a part of my truth right now and I think acknowledging that is the first step in overcoming it. The second step is communicating your fears and wants to your partner. Just make sure you are completely clear on what these things are first. Making yourself vulnerable is the only way to have an honest relationship...and also the only way to knowing if he's completely on the same page as you. "What I need in a relationship is this _________ (insert emotional/communication/spiritual, etc needs here) and I hope we can be on the same page with that. If we aren't, I will ultimately be unhappy and I think its important we open up and be honest about these things now as opposed to later." It may seem too blunt, to straight forward, but trust me guys need this. They can rarely read between the lines as much as we wish they would. And in truth, we need this too because without talking about it our needs wont be met. And after all the heartaches girls like us have already had, I dont think either of us deserves that anymore. Now its just a matter of timing...when to tell, when to tell..... Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 And ps...I do not think that you wanting him to call once a day is too much to ask. Some people need this reassurance, some don't. It doesnt matter. Right now, its all about what YOU need and if this relationship is good for YOU. Don't ever apologize or feel bad for it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 When WORDS and ACTIONS disagree, trust the ACTIONS. His words say he cares a lot...his actions say that he often has things to do more important than calling you. That's fine...maybe he's curing cancer or rescuing neglected horses or restoring the environment. Or, maybe something else. I would recommend that you MAKE SURE you have very CLEARLY communicated that you really want and need a daily phone call (if that's what you're looking for). If he still can't make time, then just be aware that he's done the math and he does not have enough hours for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxkiwihoneyxx Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 Hi everyone thanks for your replies! I took your advice and on our last date I communicated very clearly that I wanted more contact. I said I had been feeling unhappy and forgotten and was wondering if he didn't care for me really. I asked if we should end our relationship or at least start seeing other people. He said he really loved me and wanted to be together and that I "wasn't going to get rid of him that easily". He apologised and promised he would txt me and call me more. Since then he has txtd me each day but only called me once on Christmas day. It's an improvement kind of but there are no new messages today.... I feel we are back to square one!! I mean it's a Saturday and he is on holiday, how busy can he be? How can he not have enough time to txt me or call? Surely he would want to know what I'm doing? I feel so hurt. We have talked about spending New Year's eve together and he said we would depending on his work. He won't know until Monday what is going on but still you would think he would be trying to lock something in with me as its only four days away, to make sure I didn't go off and plan something without him? The reason he gave me for not calling was that he had been feeling scared because the relationship had been going well but also too fast. Perhaps this is true? But this to me sounds like I am being strung along. How do I know if this is happening??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxkiwihoneyxx Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 PS he also assured me there were no other women but if not why the silences and the incredibly busy life with so much going on he doesn't have time to call? Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Kiwi, the answer is very simplistic. If a man is REALLY interested in a woman, a woman knows it. He's going to WANT to make contact with her. He's going to WANT to see her and be a part of her day. Sounds as though you might be a "Plan B" for this guy - if other pokers in the fire don't pan out for him, he'll still have you waiting in the wings. The fact that he's 'away' for the weekend and has made it impossible for you to reach him pretty much says it all. When a man shows who he is - believe him. And he's showing you LOUD and CLEAR that you're not a priority in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
moonshadow Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 kiwihoney - so how are things going? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I hate to ask this... Have you been to his home? Link to post Share on other sites
moonshadow Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I hate to ask this... Have you been to his home? Ahh, excellent question. Curious, too, if she has a home number for him or just a cell #. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 The reason he gave me for not calling was that he had been feeling scared because the relationship had been going well but also too fast. Ohhh... I have a recent theory that people who get scared of a relationship going too fast feel that they are not into the other partner too much. Naturally, if you're not madly in love with someone, you don't want to string them along. He enjoys spending time with you and I am sure he really loves you and might even marry you. But he is not crazy in love - or at least that's how I translate what he told you. There is no reason to be intimidated by things going too fast if it feels natural, right? Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I can see why he would be pulling away with the phone calls if he feels things are going too fast. But that is partly his fault too, no one forced him to be exclusive or say I love you too soon. I know it sucks, but he may be taking a few steps backwards so he doesnt rush things any further. What sucks even more is that he just told you he'd meet your needs and call/text more often. He shouldnt have said that especially if he is wanting to take things slower. My dear his words and actions are contradictory. So here's my advice to you...If you can feel where he is coming from and agree things may have moved too fast, I suggest you start making yourself busy. Take up yoga, start doing crafty decorating things at home, take yourself on movie dates. Fill the 'boyfriend void' yourself and treat yourself to some good times. If you truly do NOT feel like it progressed too quickly, wait a couple more weeks and if things dont change, get the heck out. So I have to ask, how quick was 'too quick' in his mind/your mind? How long exactly has it been since you've met and got serious/exclusive? How long into the relationship did he say I love you? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Perhaps it is as simple as his taking you for granted - knowing that you are going to be there, and now that the wooing is over, you are girlfriend on tap - ready when he wants you, and out of mind when he doesn't. Its good you let him know how you feel. I'm guessing that he isn't seeing repercussions from his behavior, so there really isn't any reason to change it. People don't change their behaviors for altruistic reasons. They generally only do so when they stand to lose if they don't. It wouldn't hurt to try being a little more clear about your boundaries and the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I dated a guy similiar to this and I can tell you from my experience...never make someone a priority in your life while they make you a option in theirs. I mean unless his job is like fightin in a war or something...it can't be that serious that he can't call or text something. it is a double edge sword...he don't have to turn his world over to you but at the same time you need that attention from him. the best thing to do is....fallback...take some time to figure out what you want and need in a man...and then go from there. my ex was so wondeful at one time and I wanted to be around him all the time. he didn't want that...I WANTED MORE ATTENTION...he would do it for a while and then go back to his old ways....HE IS WHO HE IS you are not going to be satisfied with that...it will drive you crazy. I say enjoy your time together and date other guys. something aint right. you are not number one Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Your actions are driven by your FEAR and it looks like you have driven him AWAY. It started off fine but as soon as you perceived his ACTIONS as threatening as in reminding you of what other men did to you then you started the chain reaction downward spiral... He is not happy with you because you project insecurity. NEVER have the TALK with a man. Its the deathblow to something thats already in existance and happening ie : he's just not that interested in you anymore. Let him LEAD the relationship. Asking you out. Making a comittment . Another poster hit it correctly : You will KNOW with a committed man because he will make it known ! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts