We live together but he is still married-How can I get him to go forward?

[JulieHoping]

This was a reply to a post but I need advice too.

 

I recently reunited with my old highschool sweetheart of twenty years ago. We fell instantly in love again with one small glitch, he was married.

 

He separated with her and moved in with me and we have been mostly happy. The only problem is that he has not gotten the divorce yet. It has only been since February and his reason is that he has no money to pay the lawyer since she already got a court order for him to pay all the bills.

 

This is the truth, he is not BSing me on this.

 

I am starting to wonder if it will ever happen though.

 

So I am hoping my experience might help you and maybe I will get some advice from others out there.

 

We really love each other and are enjoying every minute living together. I just am feeling a bit uncomfortable now but would never kick him out with an ultimatum. I just want to be his wife, NOW!

[NEONINK]

Well, you can't be his wife NOW, because he already has one of those...

 

I guess you could say, you made your bed, now you must lie in it.

 

Lend him the money for a lawyer, if it means that much to you.

[jenny]

hey,

 

what does his wife, y'know, the real one, think of all this? just curious.

[JulieHoping]

Whoa! I was hoping this board was a little more supportive than that. If I had the money, I would pay for the divorce in an instant. Unfortunately on my small salary, I am supporting myself, him and my young son (being a working mom, daycare is killing me.)

 

As far as what his wife thinks, she absolutely wants to see serious harm come to me or my son. I do not blame her, I might feel the same. I am sure you all have the same story of unhappiness that he was in from his previous marriage, but since he made the move, NOW she wants to work on it and go to counseling.

 

We (me and him) just want the divorce to be over and be happy.

[Orchid]

Thank you for replying to my post. I think for you the best thing to do is like what NEONINK says to help him pay for the lawyer, since that is the reason why he cannot get a divorce yet. I know it's hard for you to come up with money now, but if you do, I do think it would be the best way to find out if he's just making excuses or not.

 

In my case, I am not living there and despite all the good things about him, there's still one obstacle and that is he's still married. Yesterday he even asked me to have a baby with him...again...and he's been constantly talking about having a baby etc. He really wants it badly, but I just wait and see how badly he wants it. He has to take care of his part first. I'm sooo ready...it's just him now.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

 

Ciao

[jenny]

i think lack of self-reflection or remorse just makes me grumpy, sorry. well, you have a good sense of your desires even if not your ethics. i would ask, though why the rush to get married? i mean, presumably you know you've got him, so there is no need to officiate it yet, particularly if you don't want to appear tacky.

[JulieHoping]

The money is a real issue. Again, if I had the five thousand dollars that the lawyer wants, to pay for the divorce, it would have been done yesterday. Unfortunately, because of some hardships in my past, I am just one paycheck away from being on the street. Because of bad credit from a previous relationship, I have no way to borrow money. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON, I JUST CANNOT AFFORD IT!! I wish I could and I hope and pray that the fact that I cannot, does not reflect on how much I care and love him. Please understand that not all of us can just reach into a savings account and pull out a couple thousand.

 

I am not sure I understand the following line:

 

"you have a good sense of your desires even if not your ethics."

 

And I am not sure how I would be appearing "tacky"?

 

Anyway, I kind of would like to direct more attention to the matter of committment. In anyone's experience, should I stick it out, not hound him about it and just wait for the divorce to come in it's own time?

 

Or, my biggest fear, am I just being a fool who is going to be strung along for an unprecidented amount of time until I am nothing but an untrusting hobbit?

[jenny]

ok, i'm backing down. i think you really do need some help..sorry if i was harsh. it's weird, i suppose i do want mistresses to fell real pain over what's happened, but that's just not always the case. it was judgemental of me, and i apologize.

 

 

the only thing you really can do is wait, i guess. this will certainly show your love and devotion, though. is there anyway you could pick up weekend or part-time work? what are your skills? i can try and suggest ways to make that money faster to make up for my previous rudeness.

 

but please please re-think what you have done here. 'love is love is love' is not a rigourous reasoning for adultery - it seems to me your paranoia over his committment is an embodiment of guilt.

 

xox j

[NEONINK]

Julie, there's one statement that has me wondering though:

 

"I am supporting myself, him and my young son "

 

I hope you aren't supporting him?

 

You might want to count your blessings. Somethings look like roses, but they are just thorns in disguise. Let him settle his affairs, down the road marriage might be an option. Just make sure you really have a rose.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Julie,

 

If the "romeo" in question initiated the separation by leaving his marital home to move in with another romantic interest, than it is by all means "his" responsibility to pay for all the resulting lawyer fees...not his wife's. She is not even under obligation to "sign" anything even if he does come up with the money to pay for the paperwork.

 

If she is bitter (and who could blame her)...she could drag her feet indefinitely.

 

It's too bad your first relationship devastated you financially. And it looks like the second may cost you even more. That's the problem when we make irresponsible relationship choices. It ends up costing us a lot more than just a broken heart in the long run. Bad choices can literally bankrupt us, both financially and emotionally.

 

People, its time to get SMARTER when it comes to establishing healthy relationships. Don't let the euphoria of "love" render you brain dead. You can have it all without sacrificing love, so long as you proceed cautiously and make wiser choices.