Starting over again, not easy

[gabicita]

I found these forums tonight as I searched for something to cheer me up since I've been feeling extremely sad lately and with a lot of negative thoughts.

 

I just came back to my home country last week after studying in an American University for 4 years. I have a bachelor's degree now and I'm ready to get a job and start a new stage in life, which is exciting... however, these past 4 years have been really hard (having to adjust to a new culture and language, starting life from zero, making friends, etc) and by the time I felt like I was starting to feel comfortable in the US it was already time to leave... now adjusting back to life in my home country is being extremely hard.

 

First of all, it's being extremely hard because I've changed a lot and things have changed here as well. For example, I used to consider myself a christian when I first got to the US but now I consider myself an agnostic so it's hard to relate to my family and some friends since they are christians--and I havent told them I dont believe in christianity anymore.

 

Also I have got used to all the commodities of the American lifestyle and now I feel very out of place in my third world country. I've never really cared for material things and always thought I would enjoy living in a rural area, 'cause people seem to be so nice there even when they lack basic things like running water or electricity. But now seeing the dirty streets and small houses of the capital city makes me sad and I long for the spacious, new apartment that I lived in the US. I feel like I'm betraying my true self and my country by feeling like that... I dont know how to work this out, though I do wanna stay here (in my home country) 'cause it's my dream to use my degree to help people here, getting involved in community development programs and such... but at the moment it seems like a very difficult thing to do...

 

Secondly, I also feel like I dont belong anywhere anymore which makes me feel lonely. I made a couple of close friends while I was in the US but now I'm away from them and I feel so distant from my former friends in my country. Connecting back with them is being hard and I'm sure it'll take time. Although I know this, my heart is very impatient and I start having very negative thoughts constantly, feeling like I wont be able to adjust ever again.

 

And there's the fact that I was dating someone in the US... we hadnt been dating for long, but I miss him tons and well, that should be a completely different entry... the things is that I miss him, and not having him around makes me feel sad, especially when I see other couples... I just try to tell myself that whatever happens in the future will be good and to be patient... yea, that doesnt always work.

 

Lastly, I have nothing to do here at the moment so I get bored a lot. Yes, I wanna get a job but that's not an easy thing, even less in a third world country. During this time of year a lot of places stop "working" because they all get caught up in the holiday season... so I have to wait till things settle down again next year... It really makes me anxious not having things to do because my life feels empty and meaningless... gosh, and it's so hard to be patient at this...

 

Well, I already wrote a lot and after doing so I feel more at peace. I see that the one thing I've kept repeating is "to be patient", so I keep trying to be it. Thanks for reading this, and if you have any piece of advise I'd truely appreciate it... I think all I truely needed at the moment was someone that would listen...

 

The following quote by Hugh Prather summarizes how I feel: "When I feel like I have learned a way of living, life changes and leaves me back where I started. My life sways ironically between maturity and regression."

[Lovelybird]

our experience are so much alike, but I went to a different country, and became a Christian in Japan.

 

What did make you change your beliefs?

Did you experience God in your early christian life?

[gabicita]

well, i didnt stop believing in christianity all of the sudden, it was more a long process that pretty much lasted the whole time i lived in the USA.

 

mainly, there were two factors that influenced the change in me. first is the fact that i got really disappointed by the state of christianity and christians in the USA--everything was very different than back home, and didnt feel real or true.

 

the second thing was the influence of some close agnostic friends that were a lot more caring than my so called "christian" friends. sharing my doubts about life with them opened my eyes to other points of view that i felt were more convincing that the hollow answers i got from christian friends.

 

and i dont know exactly what you mean by "experience god", but i did grow up in a christian household, going to church every sunday, reading my bible by myself pretty often, listening to christian music, being pretty involved in christian matters... it was really hard to separate myself from all that since it was such a big part of my life. but i finally decided that it was hurting me more than helping me to grow up.

 

how long did it take you to adapt to the US after you lived in Japan? what helped you adapt?

[Lovelybird]

It took me more than 6 months to adapt each place

 

Maybe God is taking you a different road, in order to fully appreciate who He is, sometimes around road is very necessary.

 

Well, I am not in US. But same as you I experienced a hard time to adapt to new environment in Japan. I was an antheist back then, didn't believe in any gods. But in Japan, I had mystery experiences that no science can explain. I felt like an invisible being communicate with me, it took me long time to figure out what the invisible being try to communicate, I guess He wanted me to pay more attention to Him. In the end, I found peace in God, it is like I found a key to major mystery of life, anything changed after my conversion.

 

I said "experience God" is much like "Holy Ghost meeting", you know, as believer we have Holy Ghost living inside of us, He is much real as the things we can see, because HE communicates with us on daily basis, and make God's love known to us. Any believer can invite Holy Ghost into their lives. His existence made many changes bearable to me. Even in most down time I felt comfort from Him. Later I came back to my home country as well, another adaption I guess the key for me to well adjust to the changes is God. As a christian, I may not as good as some unbelievers yet, but I trust God is making that change one day at a time.

 

In the beginning of my conversion it wasn't easy. I knew God exists, but felt like God was watching me and ready to beat me up when I made a mistake, fear was much more than love. But as I study more and experience Holy Spirit's fellowship, I realized I had so many wrong concepts about God, and these wrong concepts could keep people in fear, bondage. God is as real as your parents. Have you ever experience that?

 

Maybe your experience is a test. I remember Job said "But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold”

 

Right now I am in 'The third world country' too;), but I see some major delightful changes. I really think you are richly blessed with all these experiences.

 

anyway, I pray everything works out good for you, and you will find peace and rejoice soon

[gabicita]

thank you lovebird for your words. i used to think that "maybe my experience was a test" but i kinda got over that thinking.

 

i now believe that sometimes people believe something because they want it to be true or because they are afraid it is true, not because it is really true. so i got to the conclusion that i believed in god because i wanted it to be true, but now i just dont know, and sorta dont care...

 

anyway, thanks for sharing with me abour your experience. another question, was it hard for you to adapt to the singularities of a third world country after coming back from Japan? i ask because now i miss "the wealth" of the USA, and feel so frustrated at the poverty and dirtiness of this place... and feeling like that also makes me frustrated haha.... it's complicated.

[Lovelybird]

yep, sometimes I have this "hard time" with God, don't understand what He is doing, sometimes felt like He disaggree something I did or thought, but didn't show clearly what it was, ahhhhhhh, I wish HE has a loud voice, and plainly tell me what they are. Faith is a strange thing, sometimes we don't feel like there is a God, but later at some point we see God is in everything.

 

anyway, to try to answer your question because I forgot some details of my feelings at that time. But it will become easier, like you adapt in US and found balance in US, I think you can do so in your home country with new happy discoverings. I remember each day I planed to do something, and did my best to find something that can make me happy

 

In the beginning of returning back, I chose a city can be called "internationalized", relatively open to outside, although the area I first lived isn't like a city, but later on slowly I moved into better area. The first thing I worried was that will they interfere my freedom . I didn't like the news, didn't like the environment.....but nobody interfered my freedom as long as I abide by the law here . Some people here can be very wealthy and some can be poor, but what behind their ideas, thoughts, actions make the place is attractive or not. anyway I found a pure beautiful place that I can go anytime, a place can make me feel alive and give me peace, and I carry it anywhere I go. You said, "i believed in god because i wanted it to be true", sometimes I question it like you do, like I put God aside and ignore Him for a while, but finally He is the one I always return to. If I can be at peace with God, I can be anywhere. I think the most of our dissatisfaction come from losing connection with God, or at war with God, or angry at God. Otherwise what give us motives to live happily? what support us to do what we do? for happiness? this is so vague concept. What would make a person happy? What would make you happy and content?

 

What desires do you have (don't have to answer me here)? working toward your desires may give you contentment. God may give you desires of your heart and shape you for fulfilling them. Looking back isn't a good thing to do, hope future and look foward is the best we can do. If you have wild dreams and when you envision these dreams they can put a smile on your face, then you definitely need to chase them.

 

Thanks for asking me such questions, allowed me to sort out some stuff in my mind