SmokeyJay Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Lately the way my gf is acting with her best friend has been upsetting me, but I'm not sure if it's justified or if I should just stop worrying. Her best friend is a guy, but he's 100% gay. I'm not worried that she has feelings for him or vice versa..it's just lately it seems she's been putting him before me. Here are a few examples of the things that have pissed me off: A few days ago she had to work all day, and the plan was for her to goto this guy's house afterwards, which I was fine with. However, since we wouldn't have spoken all day she did say she would call me. Anyways I was on the computer and all of a sudden I get an IM from her telling me to answer my phone, I had left my phone in a different room and she had been calling and since I didn't answer she IM'ed me. She wasn't acting mad that I didn't answer, but she was acting like she was eager to talk to me. So I go get my phone and call her back..she stays on the phone with me for all of 10 minutes, most of the time paying more attention to her friend than me. I could hear them laughing, joking, etc. and she basically ignored me and then wanted to get off the phone to play a game with him. I don't know why but it kinda ticked me off. So last night something similar happened. She had been working a lot so we hadn't seen each other or spoken that much in a few days. So I call her late in the day and she doesn't answer. After that she sends me a text saying her older brother is visiting and the entire family is there so she can't talk on the phone. That I completely understood, she doesn't get to see her brother a lot, so I was fine with it. What pissed me off was about 30 minutes later I sent her a text simply asking how the game was going(they had started to play some game) in which she responds "oh my brother left a while ago, but I'm on the phone with Ray." Ray of course is the best friend. Not only that..but she wouldn't even get off the phone with him, keeping in mind she had just been at his house the night before and had been there from about 6pm to 2-3am. I also found out that the night I called her and she was ignoring me..that Ray was purposely trying to distract her so she would get off the phone with me and hang out with him. So I was kinda pissed because she tells me she can't talk to me on the phone, but she can talk to him? In addition to the fact she allows him to distract her and get her off the phone with me..but when I ask her to get off the phone with him so we can talk because we haven't really spoken in days..she won't do it. When she finally does get off the phone she starts immediately wrapping christmas presents..so I knew if I called her then she'd be mostly ignoring me again. So I made it known I was pissed and just kinda signed off. I also feel I should point that up until a few weeks ago..this guy had ignored her for 2 MONTHS without any explanation..and when he did come back into her life he told her he did it because he "needed to be alone" I know she isn't cheating on me or anything..and I know there isn't anything romantic going on, but I still wanted to know..am I overreacting? Or do I have a right to be mad? I feel like she is always choosing him over me, and I feel someone you're in love with should always come before your best friend.. So if I'm not overreacting..how do I handle the situation? I'm obviously not going to leave her over this..but I know if left unchecked this has the potential to drive a wedge between us. This guy has made it clear that he does not like me..and has even told her I have issues and that she shouldn't be with me. That's another thing, when I said one bad thing about him she got in my face about it, but when he talks bad about me to her..she doesn't say anything to him. She also says it doesn't matter what he thinks about me because she loves me, but I feel that this is her best friend so it does matter because we're both big parts of her life..but I refuse to compete with this guy for her attention. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Maybe she's trying to "reform" Ray Seriously, could be nothing other than a lame attempt to crank up some drama with you to make things more "interesting". This is a great time to have a nice platonic female friend She could be using Ray as leverage to distance you or create distance from you. Reasons unknown. She's a woman Solution: It's generally unhealthy for a LTR to prioritize friends over the LTR partner so advise her of that boundary. I had this issue with my wife and her same sex friends and merely advised her that, if it was to continue, she could take up residence with them and enjoy them full time. There's more than one way to create drama.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmokeyJay Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 Maybe she's trying to "reform" Ray Heh..no, I know they both find the idea of being together in that way disgusting. Seriously, could be nothing other than a lame attempt to crank up some drama with you to make things more "interesting". I guess? But I don't know why she'd do that? We've become closer than ever lately.. Maybe this is her way of telling me to back off? This is a great time to have a nice platonic female friend I could never do that to her..plus I don't have any female friends. She could be using Ray as leverage to distance you or create distance from you. Reasons unknown. She's a woman This is what I thought but it doesn't make sense..we have been growing closer and she always says she loves me and is crazy about me.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 When words are positive and actions are other, believe actions Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmokeyJay Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 So you don't think she really loves me? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Better IME to refrain from analyzing or trying to out-think a woman. You will fail Better to enforce your boundaries. It sounds like yours has to do with prioritizing communications. Here's an example. I'm talking to my wife. My phone beeps. I continue talking to my wife, ignoring the beep. I expect the same from her. Doesn't matter if it's a client or the POTUS. My wife and what we're talking about is more important to me. When she violated this boundary in the past, I would hang up and she would get to eat VM. Of course, that was after I made her aware of the boundary. Again, don't infer lack of love from a few actions, at least until you communicate what you need to feel valued. Consistent violation/ignoral of those needs? Different subject... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmokeyJay Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 So then it wouldn't be wrong to tell her to stop acting the way she has been acting lately? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 It would be right to tell her what you want. Do you want her to prioritize you in your relationship? Tell her that. Tell her that, short of nuclear holocaust, when you're talking with her on the phone you want her undivided attention. Etc, Etc. Whatever it is that you want. Such wants aren't unreasonable. Unreasonable would be "telling" her to dump Ray as a friend because you said so. Do you see the difference? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 It sounds to me that you are in a relationship with three people: you, her and Ray. This is ridiculous. If the roles were reversed and you were hanging out all the time with your female lesbian friend, I wonder how she would be feeling? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. You clearly are not her priority when it concerns Ray. She may not be having a sexual affair with him but it sounds like she is emotionally tied to this guy which is almost just as bad. She is choosing to make him a higher priority than you. What is the purpose of you being in such a relationship. Why would you settle for something like this? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 What is the purpose of you being in such a relationship? Why would you settle for something like this? OP, listen to this. Meld it with the suggestions I offered. You can have these strong feelings (as in the above quote) and offer them in a constructive manner. Perhaps such won't be effective or healthy with this particular woman, but, with the right one, when there are issues, it's *how* you handle them that portends success or failure. Even with the most compatible partner, there will be issues. None of us are perfect and rarely are we clairvoyant. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 OK my friend here is what you do. You find a female friend and talk with her on the phone for hours. When your gf asks who your talking to, tell her you found a lesbian friend to talk to who for a woman understands men pretty well. When she says shes not threatened by a bull dyke. Tell her that she is more like a lipstick lesbian. You know really pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 atwitsend, that would be cool. this i think would be a great idea. Link to post Share on other sites
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