Coco1985 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 I wonder if anyone has has a similar situation as me.. have met and been blown away by a friend who is gay, when we met we had such a connection and become inseperable, we really loved each other and has such a strong bond and emotional connection, then he met and fell for a guy who didnt liek our frinedship and has pretty much made it hard for my friend to have me around,,, my friend has pretty much stopped communicating with me, we speak occasionally and he tells me how sad and depressed he is and how he doesnt wana be close to anyone... i really dont know what to do i kno he misses me but it was a situation that was getting out of hand... now we dont speak at all and i feel its over.. which i kno is a blessing but is so hard... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Your friend is hooked-up with a partner who is jealous and controlling, and your friend is making crummy decisions about the people in his life who love and want to support him. That does happen, sometimes, when unsuspecting individuals get into certain romantic relationships...more accurately, into an unhealthy situation that is also romantic. For now, there isn't much you can do, as you seem to already know. If you're able to send him loving and supportive thoughts, vibes & energies...he probably already does need, or soon will be needing, plenty of that. Sad for him, as that may be. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco1985 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 aww thanks that really nice yeah i have been nice to him even though hes being a dick to me.. well sort of when i did see him he looked so sad he couldnt even look at me, his boyf is v jealous and im worried my friend is making descisions that cant be redemed hes sort of destryoyed my trust in him and i kno its killing him but hes so easily swayed hes so weak and nice its such a mess... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 It's your personal choice to judge that there is no redemption for certain actions, yours or others'. And whatever you choose will be perfectly fine for you. How I'd try to look at it is that he isn't so much testing your general ability trust as your general ability to be compassionate and supportive. Again, it's your choice as to how you perceive what "test" the Universe is sending you, through your friend. But I do know it can be exhausting and depleting to companion "nice but weak" individuals. So do make sure to take proper care of yourself, set and maintain appropriate boundaries, don't get into role of care-taking, rescuing, fixing, etc. It's tough work to be a good friend...sometimes you gotta step back, let them make their own mistakes and face their own consequences, and just offer an open ear and open heart during their recovery. It's tough, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco1985 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 yeh i know... its hard cos hes not telling me whats really goin on in his head or whats happened i can only assume and im pretty sure its a case of him bein told off for bein so close to me and had to chose to make his relationshaip his prority,,.. but hes jus so so distant to the point wher we dnt have a friendship he told me after i went on at him throughtext that he doesnt feel himself feels lost and sad (doesnt say why exactly) butim pretty sure itsthi mes he doesnt kno how to fix cos somone will get hurt... he know hes hurting me but not telling me what he wants or whats happeneing so i need to protect myself and take care of my own feelings.. he knows i wouldve don anyting for him but im at the stage where hes hurt me too much and i have no choice but to walk away.. if he wanted to fix it one day then he can i guess that will show what he truly wants and what i mean to him cos right now im soo confused!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I get that you are missing your friend and your friendship. I'm not minimizing that part. Only that, there are different ways of ensuring that your friendship will continue long after his crappy partner is out of the picture. he told me after i went on at him throughtext that he doesnt feel himself feels lost and sad That's what I'm trying to say...you know that HE is hurting, feeling lost and sad, probably confused, etc. In the friendship, you know that HE is already on the negative side of the "feelings spectrum". If you take positions on that same side...then there is no one to give the friendship anything positive: no understanding, no empathy, no encouragement, no hope of feeling happy. This is a time for you to stand firmly on the positive side: to let him know that you care about him, can see that he's suffering and in pain, that there's nothing you can do for him until he makes some different choices, and that you will be there for him WHENEVER he decides to make those changes...be that asking for your help/guidance to start the changes, and/or if he needs help/support after the changes have been made. Put another way. This is not YOUR turn to feel hurt, confused and sad....cos he was already feeling like that (before you decided to like feel that, too.) IMO, IF you truly value your friend and the friendship, then you would not be choosing to feel hurt/disappointed/offended just because he made crummy self-choices and now is living the consequences. By doing that, you will end up making HIS pain and crappy experience with his crappy partner about you, which is more on the self-obsessed/narcissistic side of human behaviour. Which I am sure is not your intention but will be the result, nonetheless. I have been where you friend is -- in a crappy, depleting, non-affirming relationship -- and honestly, once you get stuck in that, it really isn't just a simple matter of knowing what's going on, what the Self wants and needs, how to identify all the (crappy) feelings, etc. Obviously it's pretty much impossible to explain to someone else what you don't know, yourself. (So) Your expectation that he somehow knows, but just isn't telling you, what he wants, needs and is feeling deep-down, is not quite as realistic as you may be perceiving. Like I said, you can choose how you want to perceive all of it -- you can be the victim of HIS crappy relationship, or you can be the victor who ultimately wins out over his crappy partner...your victory may not come for a while but, if you act with understanding, acceptance and forgiveness, it will surely come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco1985 Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 yeah, i do understand what u r saying.... i have tried to be a good friend and i have always given him much more than hes ever appreciated i jus feel like this time its confusing for me cos i dont know whats really going on so i dont know how to treat him...i know that we do feel more for each other and maybe thats why hes down cos hes confused or trying to figure it out on the other hand i feel like his partner has made him do this and he feels guilty and thats y he is down i kno that he always wouldve drawn close to me this time he isnt... i kno hes not happy but prob doesnt understand why... we did have a relationship kinda friendship in an emotionally but not psychical way and only now am i realising the true extent of my feelings... its a crazy situation, i kno he thinks of me alot, and i do feel like he is jus lost but when i try to explain how hes acting he jus doesnt communicate with me which makes me confused at what he wants and what i am to him... i jus dont know what to do but leave it alone, he prob will get in touch but he aviods discussin this but i cant act liek nothing has happened, i jus dont know, maybe its for the best to leave each other alone and let him figure out his true feelings and what makes him happy but at the same time i do expect some sort of explaination or some answers.... i willa lways love and care for him i thin he knows this and is maybe why hes bein so distant cos he thins ill always be ther but i wont if it hurts me..... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 I do get all of your side, too. I think the best you may be able to do...for yourself and for him...is just be honest about your own feelings -- you miss him, you're confused about how to help him, you're feeling kind of "useless & unhelpful", you'll always love and care for him. And THEN you tell him that you're ALSO feeling somewhat abandoned and left on your own by him, and is there any way he has some strength to deal with that, right now? The thing is, you KNOW the explanation -- he is in a crappy relationship with a jealous, controlling partner. What purpose to pump your already-suffering friend? If it is that you want HIM to realize his own situation, just be compassionate and TELL him your observations/suspicions. Which he likely is only going to see/accept when HE is ready, which I'm thinking you already know, in any case. Also, what "answers" can he possibly give you? "Hey, Coco, I'm nice but incredibly weak...and I make crappy decisions...and this joker I'm with is a loser...and I'm really just not as wise and mature as you are...oh, yeah, and I also feel guilty and crappy about my life in general." Cos that's his current truth, ain't it? Do you really need to hear it from him? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 It is NO mistake that your male friend has chosen a jealous controlling BF. The friend is indeed weak and the controlling BF needs someone to control. It will expire in its own time... But the damage is ongoing. I would recommend to your friend -from you- that he seek couseling and end this R with this guy before he HURTS him physically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco1985 Posted December 26, 2008 Author Share Posted December 26, 2008 thanks guys it is such a difficult sitsuation and what makes it worse it i dont really know whats happened or been said im jus sort of shut out and left to make up my ownmind what has happened, i kno hes down or was down proably from breaking the deep attchment from me and leaving me behind it is hard because we was a couple emotionally it was liek a relationship which is why his byf didnt liek it fair enough but his boyf is very insecure and jealous too. i dont know how my friend is feeling cos he has shut me out he does get in touch every now and then but acts like nothing has happened and wont really talk about this.. i feel like i have no option but to walk away hes not bein a friend to me and as deep as our bond was and as much as its hurting us both it has to end.... he wont commmunicate with me so i haev no choice i think but to get over it... its a strange situation and a difficult love on both sides... i jus wish he knew what really makes him happy... Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 pretty much there is nothing you can do at this time. But trust me you arent the only one who goes through this situation. Whenever my friend meets a guy , it seems like she just falls off the face of the earth. The only thing I do is sit back, and let her have her space. I will still keep in contact by texting her every once to say hi. I guess more so, to let her know I am still around and whenever she wants to talk im there. But it seems like whenevr she is done with the guy then it seems like we are the best of friends again. But now that Im getting older, Im not as lenient. So my advice is to back off and let him realize how he couldnt compromise and have the best of both worlds, A best friend and a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco1985 Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 aww thanks yeh its sooo messy cos all the way through his relationship he spent half his time with me its only when his boyf who is jealous and controlling didnt like the fact that we are so close hes gone away, i kno he sad... but i dont know whats happened i can only guess hwich is worse so im jus gettin on with my life he knows im ther and i think thats the problem he thinks he can be how he wants cos im always there but im not... i trie dto b a good friend but i was hurting too its time for himt o step up and fix things if thats what he wants.. so im jus staying away he wanted space but so so i.... so no contact from em anymore sad but its life....xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco1985 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 soo teh situation has change dramatically i spoke to my friend and he explained that teh relationship went sour as soon as they moved in together his boyf who made my friend chagehis life and move in with him and go cold and unloving more liek goood riends hwoever me and my frined managed to patch things up and and seem to be rebuilding its slow and hard, but natural at the same time i feel my frined is not completly himself anymore i feel like he is heartbroken he gave up alot for a boy who was so in love with him only to drop him that easily for no real reason,,, but tehy still live together and i feel my friend is hoping itll work out... Link to post Share on other sites
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