Long dry spell

[Isolde]

It's been over a half year since I've been on a date. Should I be alarmed? Would you consider 0-2 dates per year a normal or "acceptable" pace? I'm beginning to feel like some sort of dating slug. It's not that I consider the quantity of dates important; just that at this rate, I'm never going to have a good date! (If 9/10, at minimum, first dates don't work out, then this pace seems very inefficient).

 

In case you don't know from all my previous rants--this is coming from a 22-year old who's never had a BF.

[norajane]

Isolde, I've read a lot of your threads and posts, and you generally seem like a well-adjusted, decent person. I don't think there's a thing wrong with you that's causing you to not have dates.

 

I do think, however, you're so focused on dating or the lack thereof, that you may not be enjoying your life as much as you could. You're young, attractive, getting a great education, and have goals. Enjoy this time of your life!

 

Stop worrying so much about dating, and just get out there and live your life. Do fun things with your friends, do fun things alone, pamper yourself, enrich your life, find your passions and feel good about yourself. The dates, the boyfriends, the love affairs will come.

 

In the meantime, don't waste everything you have going for you by being miserable because you haven't been dating, and don't waste your life being anxious about finding a man to go out with.

[Yamaha]

You mean in a years time you haven't found 1 guy that you wanted to date?

[JohnnyBlaze]

I wouldn't sweat it, Isolde. The big question is, how do you feel about it? Forget how you think you should feel about it, how do you feel deep down? If you're fine with it, then don't worry! Despite what the entertainment industry may claim, early 20's aren't always about chasing anything with a pulse. Chances are, your dates/relations ratio will be closer than most people's, so don't think that it's going to take you another 5 years to get a boyfriend or anything silly like that.

 

I'm the same way; in my life, I've only been on two casual dates (both with the same girl). The others all turned into lasting relations. Just do what makes you happy.

[Isolde]

You mean in a years time you haven't found 1 guy that you wanted to date?

 

Well, it's a bit more complicated than that.

I rejected a few and was rejected by a few.

 

I also moved to a new city a few months ago.

[Isolde]

You mean in a years time you haven't found 1 guy that you wanted to date?

 

Well, it's a bit more complex than that...

In 2008, I rejected 1 guy and was rejected by 1 guy, if I remember correctly.

 

I also moved to new city a while back.

 

But essentially the answer to your question is yes, I suppose.

[Isolde]

Isolde, I've read a lot of your threads and posts, and you generally seem like a well-adjusted, decent person. I don't think there's a thing wrong with you that's causing you to not have dates.

 

I do think, however, you're so focused on dating or the lack thereof, that you may not be enjoying your life as much as you could. You're young, attractive, getting a great education, and have goals. Enjoy this time of your life!

 

Stop worrying so much about dating, and just get out there and live your life. Do fun things with your friends, do fun things alone, pamper yourself, enrich your life, find your passions and feel good about yourself. The dates, the boyfriends, the love affairs will come.

 

In the meantime, don't waste everything you have going for you by being miserable because you haven't been dating, and don't waste your life being anxious about finding a man to go out with.

 

Thanks for not thinking I'm psycho

 

I know, I know everything you're saying, and I do like being alone, but meh, I'm so used to it!

 

You make a good point though--I shouldn't waste other things in my life.

[Yamaha]

Are you pretty shy?

[Isolde]

Are you pretty shy?

 

See, I don't know. I like to think I'm a good flirt... and I'm a decent conversationalist, though leaning towards the reserved side as opposed to chatty. I think my main problem is reading people and what they want to do, or talk about, on a date--though I've heard if there's chemistry, then that should lend itself to an easy flow of conversation.

 

I don't think I've ever been on a date where the chemistry was so self-evident. I've never even been on a date that lasted much more than 2 hours, unless you count going out with this guy I hooked up with a few years ago *rolls eyes*

 

I also tend to go out on dates with guys that are shy and awkward. I think I need guys that are more assertive and can take the lead--but where are they, lol. I've been thinking about dating slightly older guys (25-28 age range), but again, where do I meet them?

[gabicita]

I've been thinking about dating slightly older guys (25-28 age range), but again, where do I meet them?

 

Ha, I'm asking the same question myself! Where are they?

 

I'm 23 and just moved to my home city and I'm feeling kinda lonely at times and really want a boyfriend... but I guess first of all it takes sometime to establish a friendship and find a potential boyfriend...

 

Then I'm trying to go out as much as possible and to join groups of people with similar interested to mine... then the possibilities of meeting people I'd like to date will increase tons... just go out and start meeting more people!

[Star Gazer]

Man, I don't think I've ever even gone a month without a date-date... but I'm a dating machine!

 

How? I put myself out there. Ya just gotta... get yourself out there. Join clubs, be active, live your life, break out of your comfort level. What do you like to do? Go there. For example, do you run? Join Team in Training. Do you ski? Join a ski club. Do you dig beer? Join a beer fanatics-pub crawl like group. Just fill up your life with fun stuff, and they will come.

 

"If you build it (a great you), they (great guys) will come."

 

It's funny how as soon as you fill up your life with anything and everything that's NOT related to dating you'll find yourself with so many dating options that you won't even have time for all of them!

[lazlow99]

Believe it or not I'm at University and meeting new people is difficult. Its a small University so you get to know everyone pretty fast, so its always the same people around. I met a girl I liked in the first week, and that didn't work out, she was just attention seeking, then I didn't meet anyone else until my first year had finished, and that didn't work out either cause I was a rebound or something. I was 'seeing' a girl until about 3 months ago, but really I haven't been in a proper relationship for a year and a half. I don't blame myself, I just haven't met the right person yet, and I'm not the sort of person to just jump into a relationship.

[Isolde]

Ha, I'm asking the same question myself! Where are they?

 

I'm 23 and just moved to my home city and I'm feeling kinda lonely at times and really want a boyfriend... but I guess first of all it takes sometime to establish a friendship and find a potential boyfriend...

 

Then I'm trying to go out as much as possible and to join groups of people with similar interested to mine... then the possibilities of meeting people I'd like to date will increase tons... just go out and start meeting more people!

 

This is my problem--I have no one to even get drinks with yet Having no friends really puts a damper on dating prospects... gah.

[Isolde]

Man, I don't think I've ever even gone a month without a date-date... but I'm a dating machine!

 

How? I put myself out there. Ya just gotta... get yourself out there. Join clubs, be active, live your life, break out of your comfort level. What do you like to do? Go there. For example, do you run? Join Team in Training. Do you ski? Join a ski club. Do you dig beer? Join a beer fanatics-pub crawl like group. Just fill up your life with fun stuff, and they will come.

 

"If you build it (a great you), they (great guys) will come."

 

It's funny how as soon as you fill up your life with anything and everything that's NOT related to dating you'll find yourself with so many dating options that you won't even have time for all of them!

 

Yeah, I have to be more assertive about joining things, but I am BUSY, only have time for one major activity outside grad school. I was thinking about joining something outdoorsy like a sports team or maybe hiking club though. Or yoga, but I doubt I'd meet boys there

 

People always say that about how filling up your life and turning your mind away from dating will make the guys flock to you; but that's never worked too well for me--or maybe I've never really been able to get to that point? I'm not sure I really believe that NOT THINKING about something is really gonna change your luck.

 

Oh, btw, almost everyone in my city seems to be in a relationship. It's not a big "singles" type of city--more the place where young couples would settle down.

[orangehose]

I think there are some women who get dates just walking around town and doing errands, and then there are other women (probably more than care to admit it) who need to WORK and get themselves out of their comfort zone to get dates.

 

I'm in the latter category - I have to go out to house parties, clubs, activities, blah blah blah, try to be more extroverted than I really am, and then sure, I might get opportunities here and there. But it's tiresome (and right now I'm giving it a rest because I'm tired of wasting my weekends around random people).

 

I agree with those who say don't become obsessed with your single status. Still, it migth help to go on some extreme 'going out' regimen for two or three months and seeing how it serves you. Start with a more modest goal of getting dates, not meeting a potential boyfriend. Pretend you're a publicity agent who is trying to meet as many people (of both sexes) as possible. List a bunch of your interest, then join related activity clubs, make sure that you're out of the house 3-4 nights a week. I can make you a list of suggestions if you need some.

 

But don't beat yourself up regardless of results. I also think it's even harder in your age group, Isolde. Most guys at that age aren't looking for serious relationships, and in my opinion, there isn't much of a culture of 'casual dating' in the United States (I assume that's where you live). So you have all these young people who are single except for occasional physical hookups, and then a smaller subset who seem to fall into super-serious relationships without doing the legwork of dating around. It does change as you get older, I think.

[orangehose]

Yeah, I have to be more assertive about joining things, but I am BUSY, only have time for one major activity outside grad school.

 

Okay, I totally understand about being busy because of school. But honestly, you're not going to meet people studying in your room. I led that kind of lifestyle in my early twenties - doing well in college was my number one priority. And yeah, I didn't date, I had no boyfriends. It was only when I made my social life more of a priority that I started dating. Unfortunately, I had to give up being a superstar student... But that's the way life works, I suppose. You can't have everything you want at the same time.

[Yamaha]

I think you seem 2 be looking for your perfect guy and not looking at dating as experience. The more you date the better you will bcome in picking out what you want. I'm not saying you date guys that you're not attracted 2 but ones that seem fun and interesting.

I do think you need to be more assertive and not analyze things so much and you might just have a good time.

[Isolde]

I think there are some women who get dates just walking around town and doing errands, and then there are other women (probably more than care to admit it) who need to WORK and get themselves out of their comfort zone to get dates.

 

I'm in the latter category - I have to go out to house parties, clubs, activities, blah blah blah, try to be more extroverted than I really am, and then sure, I might get opportunities here and there. But it's tiresome (and right now I'm giving it a rest because I'm tired of wasting my weekends around random people).

 

I agree with those who say don't become obsessed with your single status. Still, it migth help to go on some extreme 'going out' regimen for two or three months and seeing how it serves you. Start with a more modest goal of getting dates, not meeting a potential boyfriend. Pretend you're a publicity agent who is trying to meet as many people (of both sexes) as possible. List a bunch of your interest, then join related activity clubs, make sure that you're out of the house 3-4 nights a week. I can make you a list of suggestions if you need some.

 

But don't beat yourself up regardless of results. I also think it's even harder in your age group, Isolde. Most guys at that age aren't looking for serious relationships, and in my opinion, there isn't much of a culture of 'casual dating' in the United States (I assume that's where you live). So you have all these young people who are single except for occasional physical hookups, and then a smaller subset who seem to fall into super-serious relationships without doing the legwork of dating around. It does change as you get older, I think.

 

Interesting suggestions, orangehose.

Yes, I live in America From what I've seen of Europe it seems much easier there to mingle with others your age in a natural, low pressure way.

 

I also agree many attractive guys 22-25 aren't looking for serious relationships, but I still see all the guys in this age group out with girls holding their hands, lol. I'd be open to dating anyone under 30, honestly.

 

I like the idea of this "extreme going-out" regimen--it honestly sounds like it might be my only option, lol. My issue is that I don't currently have any friends who are into that sort of thing--I have no one even to get an occasional drink with. It doesn't help that most of my interests are solitary--reading, writing, art, &c. I'd be open to any suggestions you have--I'm seriously considering doing an intramural sports club or something of that nature.

 

I'm also going to keep posting ads on craigslist (POF has no results in my area, for some reason), because, though CL hasn't worked in the past, I typically get tons of responses and who knows, it might work eventually.

[fishtaco]

I rejected a few and was rejected by a few.

 

Sounds pretty normal to me.

[crosswordfiend]

This is my problem--I have no one to even get drinks with yet Having no friends really puts a damper on dating prospects... gah.

 

I don't think you should let this stop you. In fact, I've found that the only time I ever meet some randomly is when I'm out on my own.

 

You say you like reading and artwork Why don't you take your book/sketchbook to a coffee shop. If you go to the same one a couple of times a week you are bound to start recognizing the same people and perhaps you or they could strike up a conversation. In this situation, familiarity helps a great deal. Another tactic that works well is when the place is busy and there are no empty tables. You can use this as an excuse to find a cute guy and ask if you can sit at his table.

 

I guess what I'm saying is you have to put yourself in a situation where you can meet new people. Good luck.

[orangehose]

Interesting suggestions, orangehose.

It doesn't help that most of my interests are solitary--reading, writing, art, &c.

 

Hmm, you sound kinda like me. I think for introverts like us, the kind of lifestyle that leads to regular dating opportunities feels like a stretch. But venture forth we must, if we seek to improve our social lives

 

The whole, "do your own thing and love will come" is kind of a nice platitude. In my experience, opportunities only came when I was making an effort and doing things I wouldn't normally do.

 

Even if you don't find love, putting yourself out there more will at least get you more dates, which will in turn boost your confidence level.

 

I'll PM you some specific suggestions as soon as I get a chance

[monkey00]

I think when it comes to dating no matter where you live you will face challenges. But I admit it's a little harder to do because you're in a new place, making friends and people you'll be acquainted with will have to be built from the ground up.

 

With that said, if you want the opportunities you're going to have to put yourself out there. Even with me, living in the city I grew up in I know I have all my friends and family. But still getting a date isn't as easy as pie. Just about every time I wind up putting myself out there, approaching girls, going to parties, bars, online, or even clubs every now and then..just to get some dates. Honestly I'm not much of a bar or club kind of guy, but if I want the opportunities I have to utilize the available resources.

 

I'd recommend you try the aforementioned above if you can solo. If not, there's always clubs, the gym, or especially speed dating that might help to solve your woes.

[Isolde]

I think when it comes to dating no matter where you live you will face challenges. But I admit it's a little harder to do because you're in a new place, making friends and people you'll be acquainted with will have to be built from the ground up.

 

With that said, if you want the opportunities you're going to have to put yourself out there. Even with me, living in the city I grew up in I know I have all my friends and family. But still getting a date isn't as easy as pie. Just about every time I wind up putting myself out there, approaching girls, going to parties, bars, online, or even clubs every now and then..just to get some dates. Honestly I'm not much of a bar or club kind of guy, but if I want the opportunities I have to utilize the available resources.

 

I'd recommend you try the aforementioned above if you can solo. If not, there's always clubs, the gym, or especially speed dating that might help to solve your woes.

 

You are very right. Many of us simply need to do more to find dates, and that's not necessarily a bad thing... it's useful to know how to get yourself out there in many aspects of life. It's just that sometimes I am lazy and expect guys to come to me the moment I smile at them, which isn't realistic.

 

The thing with bars and esp. clubs as a single girl is that it's easy to assume a guy is interested when he is drunk. ^_^ It just confuses me... I also don't like going to those places alone, that's why I'd rather try other venues.

 

By speed dating what exactly do you mean? I don't know anyone who's been successful with this... hmm...

[monkey00]

You are very right. Many of us simply need to do more to find dates, and that's not necessarily a bad thing... it's useful to know how to get yourself out there in many aspects of life. It's just that sometimes I am lazy and expect guys to come to me the moment I smile at them, which isn't realistic.

 

Smiling is a good effort. It's at least more realistic than girls who don't smile or shy away from someone they're interested in.

 

The thing with bars and esp. clubs as a single girl is that it's easy to assume a guy is interested when he is drunk. ^_^ It just confuses me... I also don't like going to those places alone, that's why I'd rather try other venues.

 

Speaking on my own behalf I'm a quality guy, but I don't know how realistic it is to meet men on a general basis in bars or clubs that are of quality or just looking for a ONS. For a girl soloing in a new city, maybe other places to meet guys would work better.

 

By speed dating what exactly do you mean? I don't know anyone who's been successful with this... hmm...

 

I meant a speed dating service. They should be available in virtually every medium to big city in the states.