Friends or something more?

[pandastew]

I met this great girl at work in February this year and we've been extremely close friends since. I had feelings for her from the very beginning but as time has passed they've grown as we've gotten closer. I did intend to ask her out when I first got to know her but I found out from mutual friends that she was interested in another guy so I refrained from doing so. In May, she started going out with the other guy. In the past she told me her longest relationship had only been for a month so I figured I could just ask her out once she was single again.

 

In the mean time we grew so close it was almost like we were going out. Rumours started floating around the office that we were and she was asked numerous times by many coworkers if we were dating and she was accidentally called my girlfriend as well many times.

 

In August, the night before a uni exam, we decided to go to uni after work that night and study together. It was then that she told me her relationship was starting to strain and that she was about to break up with her boyfriend. However, I told her to talk it through with him and sort things out rather than just ending it. During the evening her boyfriend rung to ask if she wanted to meet up but she smsed him saying she was in a lecture and would meet him later. I drove her home that night and she thanked me for my advice. It turns out she took my advice on board and now they are still together.

 

As it stands currently we communicate daily by sms, phone, msn or if we're both in the office we meet up for lunch always (we're auditors so we're not in the office on the same days). She has told me numerous times that I'm the only one who she can come to if she has a problem because she feels better after talking to me and she knows I'll always be there to support her. This has left me confused. I don't know if she has feelings for me as she's still with her boyfriend and has never said anything to me about being together. Though this might be because I've never told her how I feel about her and that I would like something more than just friends.

 

An interesting thing also happened tonight while we spoke on msn. She was telling me how much she liked the song Crush by David Archuleta. The interesting thing is that the lyrics are about a very similar situation. She said it was playing on repeat and she kept typing out the lyrics in particular "do u ever think, when ur all alone, all that we can b, where this thing can go, am i crazy or falling in luv, is it real or just another crush, do u catch a breath when i look at u, r u holding back like the way i do, coz i'm trying n trying to walk awayyyy but i know this crush ain't going awayyyy ayayayayayayayyaya ". It might have just been a complete coincidence but I thought I should add it here anyway.

 

My question is should I tell her how I feel or wait till she breaks up with her boyfriend and tell her then? Or should I simply move on and never tell her as we might lose a wonderful friendship? Thanks for your help!

[carhill]

Meh, this is the single biggest mistake I made as a single man. If you're attracted to a woman, do not, DO NOT become her support network. If she's with someone and is saying yadda yadda, he's a jerk and I'm thinking of breaking up with him, you say, "well I know I'd ask you out in a hearbeat if you were single" or something like that. This tells her your attracted to her but would only consider dating her if she were single (assuming that's your moral imperative).

 

If the friendship exists at the cost of your blue balls, it's not a healthy friendship

[O'Malley]

Though this might be because I've never told her how I feel about her and that I would like something more than just friends.

 

When you're attracted to a girl, flirt, ask her out, leave her in no doubt of your attraction to her. Do not play 'friend' in an attempt to get her.

 

Either be friends only or tone down the friendship to being acquaintances. Being friends means you think of her as you would a male buddy; no flirting, no cuddling, no intimate chats. You also turn your focus elsewhere.

 

If you can't handle that, let her know you're attracted to her, can't be friends only and see what her stance is. If she wants friends only, you need to do what's best for you, even if it means cutting down on contact.

[Joyvke]

Meh, this is the single biggest mistake I made as a single man. If you're attracted to a woman, do not, DO NOT become her support network. If she's with someone and is saying yadda yadda, he's a jerk and I'm thinking of breaking up with him, you say, "well I know I'd ask you out in a hearbeat if you were single" or something like that. This tells her your attracted to her but would only consider dating her if she were single (assuming that's your moral imperative).

 

If the friendship exists at the cost of your blue balls, it's not a healthy friendship

 

Completely agree with that. Though it's easier said then done to break a friendship that's not very good for your self.

 

I got a decent bunch of male friends, some fell in love with me, some didn't. Didn't do anything special for it, but be myself. With some people I just have a daily basis of contact. I always told them they were friends, and that I would understand if they didn't wanted to hang out with me if they couldn't bare with that. So far they're all still friends, happily begirlfriended (is that even a word? ).

 

Also agreeing with O'Malley, though it is hard to do .

[carhill]

Completely agree with that. Though it's easier said then done to break a friendship that's not very good for your self.

 

If you mean that the "cost" is losing a valuable friend, yes, it is a cost. I know what that's like. Yes, it can be very hard. The most difficult part is when the other person is ignorant of the experience and is going "Huh? What's the big deal?" as opposed to having appropriate empathy and understanding, but yet being aware of that the "feelings" are different. I also know what it's like to maintain a friendship at the cost of having unrequited blue balls too. The former was less painful IME.

 

Sometimes, over time, the blue balls go away and such friendships can be redefined. I've experienced that too