Baggage

[Lisa]

I know that everyone says you should not jump into one relatoinship after the other and especially not immediately after. But, it has only been 3 weeks since my bf and I broke up and I have already been out on one date, 2 more this week, and the possiblity of another. This is with 4 different people. Is this a bad thing? I mean, I don't FEEL like I have "baggage" from the last break up. And I don't think I am using them to lift my spirits or raise my self esteem or boost my ego. I have not solicited/actively flirted with these guys to get them to ask me out, they did it of their own accords and all were friends during the time I was with my bf. In fact, I met 2 of them through him.

 

So you think that any future relationship is doomed to failure if I don't spend some "alone" time? I feel ready to date, I feel good about things, but is there any deep seated emotion ready to ruin things should I get involved?

 

Do you really think you have to wait for a while before dating? I mean, it's just a date, not an undying committment.

 

Is there truth to the idea that alone time is necessary?

 

I know why we broke up; and I'm dealing with it. But that does that doome every future relationship?

[Tony T]

Everybody deals with break-ups differently and handles their emotions accordingly. Depending on the depth of the previous relationship, there is no reason why you couldn't find Mr. Right the next day. However, there are people who sustain terminations after years of being together that are emotionally, and even physically, paralyzed for months and years. The last thing in their mind is to go on a date and their capacity for having fun is so diminished they are unable to participate in even minor activities.

 

Only you know yourself. But I think it's great that you are able to date and have fun. Only you know if you need time alone to heal. You probably spent a lot of time mourning the end of this relationship before you even made the break-up official,so emotionally you are ready to go forth.

 

Now, you say that two of these guys you went out with were introduced to you by your ex while you were with your ex. Is there not a hint of a subconscious desire to rub your ex's nose in stuff here??? I would have a serious problem if any of my male friends went out on a date with my ex unless I really never cared about her. So if your ex cared about you, I think it's a bit mean to see his friends, unless you are terribly angry and absolutely must rub this in your ex's face. That could be why you feel so good about dating...if, in fact, your goal is to get back at your ex for some reason...because that is exactly what you are doing.

 

Even if these guys are only aquaintances of you ex, the fact that he made the introduction will be hurtful to him...if that is something you wish to consider.

 

Also, if I were you I would question the character of these guys who would go out with their friend's ex girlfriend so soon after a break-up.

 

So to sum things up, alone time is very necessary for some people, not everybody. But even though you deny it, in my opinion there definitely are some dynmanics of the break-up and healing process interwoven into your new and agressive dating activities.

 

No,it's not a bad thing to date three, four or dozens of men at this time. If you are equal to the task and are enjoying yourself, go for it.

 

Have fun!!!

[anonymous]

This is a really good response.

Everybody deals with break-ups differently and handles their emotions accordingly. Depending on the depth of the previous relationship, there is no reason why you couldn't find Mr. Right the next day. However, there are people who sustain terminations after years of being together that are emotionally, and even physically, paralyzed for months and years. The last thing in their mind is to go on a date and their capacity for having fun is so diminished they are unable to participate in even minor activities. Only you know yourself. But I think it's great that you are able to date and have fun. Only you know if you need time alone to heal. You probably spent a lot of time mourning the end of this relationship before you even made the break-up official,so emotionally you are ready to go forth. Now, you say that two of these guys you went out with were introduced to you by your ex while you were with your ex. Is there not a hint of a subconscious desire to rub your ex's nose in stuff here??? I would have a serious problem if any of my male friends went out on a date with my ex unless I really never cared about her. So if your ex cared about you, I think it's a bit mean to see his friends, unless you are terribly angry and absolutely must rub this in your ex's face. That could be why you feel so good about dating...if, in fact, your goal is to get back at your ex for some reason...because that is exactly what you are doing. Even if these guys are only aquaintances of you ex, the fact that he made the introduction will be hurtful to him...if that is something you wish to consider. Also, if I were you I would question the character of these guys who would go out with their friend's ex girlfriend so soon after a break-up.

 

So to sum things up, alone time is very necessary for some people, not everybody. But even though you deny it, in my opinion there definitely are some dynmanics of the break-up and healing process interwoven into your new and agressive dating activities. No,it's not a bad thing to date three, four or dozens of men at this time. If you are equal to the task and are enjoying yourself, go for it. Have fun!!!

[Jesaco]

I know that everyone says you should not jump into one relatoinship after the other and especially not immediately after. But, it has only been 3 weeks since my bf and I broke up and I have already been out on one date, 2 more this week, and the possiblity of another. This is with 4 different people. Is this a bad thing? I mean, I don't FEEL like I have "baggage" from the last break up. And I don't think I am using them to lift my spirits or raise my self esteem or boost my ego. I have not solicited/actively flirted with these guys to get them to ask me out, they did it of their own accords and all were friends during the time I was with my bf. In fact, I met 2 of them through him. So you think that any future relationship is doomed to failure if I don't spend some "alone" time? I feel ready to date, I feel good about things, but is there any deep seated emotion ready to ruin things should I get involved? Do you really think you have to wait for a while before dating? I mean, it's just a date, not an undying committment. Is there truth to the idea that alone time is necessary? I know why we broke up; and I'm dealing with it. But that does that doome every future relationship?

Hi!

 

Tony was right as far as dating who you want when you want. Just make sure that you are dating these guys because "you" want to and want to have a good time, enjoying their company. And don't wory about what their friends think about you, or any of that. The purpose of dating is to have a good time. Positive interactions with people are what makes each one of us feel good about ourselves.

 

Also, make sure that you don't make a commitment to date any one of them exclusively, unless your feelings about them are strong. And that means that you have to feel good when you're with them also.

 

Best of luck,

 

Jesaco

[Julia]

6 months ago l broke up with my boyfriend of 7 and a half years which was emotionally abusive and cruel. At first l was fine but the last two months have been the hardest. You think about what you gave up and come to terms with dealing with what happened. Everyones situation is different. It depends on how long the relationship was, the type of committment you had, what happened in the relationship. I haven't been out on a date with anyone since and l don't think l will for a very long time because of what l went through with my last relationship. I am not healed and emotionally ready. It does sound like you are going on alot of dates. Alot in a week. You need to look at the reason why

 

you feel the need to go on so many dates with different people. You might be in denial of the pain you are going through. It is not a bad thing. You know how your feeling.

 

Future relationships are not doomed to failure if you do not spend some time alone, but if you continue in a pattern of

 

breaking up with someone and dating other people so quickly

 

obviously you would start to think, hey something is wrong here. Alone time is good and needed. You discover what you want in life, think and learn about your mistakes and have

 

the time to heal your pain. Each relationship is a learning experience and you need time to stop and think about these

 

experiences and what you have learn't. To take time and discover what you are really feeling is painful but your future relationships will be rewarded for it. Why do you feel the need to have this amount of dates? We all have

 

baggage from relationships l think you are so busy concentrating on dating then really taking time out to think about things. Ask your heart what it feels it will tell

 

you the truth every time.