polola303 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I don't really have a problem with porn, I like it, I enjoy watching it every now and then, and I have many many times suggested we watch some together to spice things up, he is not very sexual towards me so i've jokingly said either he likes some real kinky stuff or he's assexual. he denied btoh. he said he didn't like porn and suprise surprise found a lot on his computer! a lot! not hardcore, or anything just a lot of videos and pics. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, I don't even want to confront him, but it does bother me that he hides things from me. any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 He is likely lying and hiding things because he doesn't see his private and personal stuff like that as any of your business, and because he may be picking up on cues that you are not as 'ok' with it as you want to lead him to believe, and he is trying to avoid confrontation. What to do? How exactly do you convince a man that you are in the right when you snooped and found what he thinks of as 'none of your business'? I'm not saying that he is right, or defending him in any way - just trying to give you the devil's advocate of the can of worms you will open if you do confront him. I understand that you don't like him hiding things, but I can guarantee you this: he will make the focus entirely 'snooping' and 'right to privacy' and you'll end up arguing over that, without ever addressing the actual problem. Perhaps you can leave the stuff you found out of it altogether and just initiate a conversation about how important transparency is to you in a relationship. You may get further with that, than you would addressing what he isn't being transparent about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 i think you're totally right! thanks ! I shouldn't have been snooping, I had never done that, I hate it and I am very ashamed, I do ant to tell him what I did, but then he will know what I found and feel ashamed, I repeat I have no issues with porn, my issue is with him being so secretive all the time, it makes me feel so uneasy. But anyways the subject here is should I tell him I found his porn? No! But maybe I should confess I was snooping... I feel guilty Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 If you have no issues with porn, why did you post this in "Addictions and Recovery" ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 hahaha good question enema! I had just posted another question about pot and then I was looking through the rest of the threads and saw some questions about porn so I thought it was a good place to post. Having said that, at first I was sure no big deal, then I realized that all of his videos are just really young girls. I guess that's why he never wants to have sex with me, I'm not under 20 anymore. So now for me it is a problem. Now I'm depressed. Am I making too much of a big deal, I understand men like young girls, and if I look at porn I don't want to look at old men or women, but it kind of seems like a fixation. So I was on his computer again and I asked him what was in that file... after a long pause he said "just some pictures" . Why hide it, he could've said porn, I've always tried to get him to watch porn with me. Why the secrecy? Why say he dislikes porn when he has a whole lot of stuff in his computer? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 I will NEVER get this: why does a partner has to tell his SO everything about his fantasies/thoughts/dreams.. etc... Why can't we/they have a little secret garden.. we all do.. what's wrong with this.. He likes soft porn.. that's his secret garden.. respect that.. geeezzz... how dependant people can be.. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Men like variety. He's not going to download porn of women that are just like you, because he already has one of those in real life! Most men also don't want to watch porn with their partner. Porn is just an aid for jerking off. Doesn't mean anything else, you are reading too much into this. Which is why he keeps it from you. The vast bulk of women don't "get" what porn is to a man, so he avoids bringing it up it altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 good point Enema.. I agree... I don't see why women makes a big deal out of this.. unless he is on porn sites 24/7 and goes on welfare cause of his addiction.. I don't see the big deal.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 Thank you! That's all I needed, I knew I wast just being paranoid. I hate that! I's just that we don't really have a lot of sex, he never feels like it, so I've tried different things to get him going but nothing works, so now finding that it made me freak out. But you're all right, we all need our private thoughts, fantasies and stuff. I don't think he's addicted, I just posted on the wrong forum. Sorry about that. And just to make things clear I like porn and I watch porn, I just don't hide it nor do I have hundreds of videos on my computer... guess that's what threw me off besides my insecurities of course! Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 I's just that we don't really have a lot of sex, he never feels like it, so I've tried different things to get him going but nothing works Instead of focusing on porn, you should prob. be paying attention to his non-existent sex drive. FYI, normal guys want to get it on.. allll the time. The fact that yours doesn't suggests drugs, and/or another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Saville Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 It doesn't necessarily suggest drugs or an affair. Low level depression can cause one to not want to engage in sex; it simply seems too much of an effort. Jerking off is just less hassle then having to be intimate, and so a habit of not wanting it becomes ingrained. It isn't a healthy state if it persists, but it doesn't mean he is stepping outside the marriage. Saville Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 Well-said, duly noted. Though I must say that any normal guy would rather have sex than jerk off if the option was presented. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 , normal guys want to get it on.. allll the time. I know... that's the problem, guess I didn't explain myself very well at the beginning. Anyways, he gave me the surprise of being a pot head, he hid it frm me for a really long time, I suspected something was up, but thought I was being paranoid, he would of course tell me something like that I thought, turns out I saw a cigarratte box and reached out to get one and surprise surprise it was a whole lotta of pot. we talked, i cried, basically because of the deceit, and he promised to quit, now i caught him again, again without even looking. I know he did stop for a while, but he did it again. Also, I suspect he might have a depression but he refuses to seek treatment. he says he's fine, about his sex drive he says he's just like that and I'm making too big a deal of it, but honnestly going 2 weeks without any sexual contact, not even kisses is making me feel depressed, ugly, stinky, etc. sex is important in a relationship. and now I find his porn... it makes me feel worse that he does have enough sex drive to look at other girls and not at me, if i get naked in front of him, he looks away. I'm so depressed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 turns out it is an addcition! he sees porn at work all day, he doen't have avery demanding job. he has tons of porn on his computer, he is a memeber on a porn site and guess what we don't have enough money to pay the rent but he has enough to buy his weed and his porn. I'm not sure about the variety though, it's always the same, nubiles, nubiles and more nubiles. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 The most important thing to realize is this: you are not the problem. Your body and what it does or does not look like is not the problem. He has a problem, and he is the only person who can fix it. If he does not want to, then your options are limited: live with it, or walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 He has a problem, and he is the only person who can fix it. If he does not want to, then your options are limited: live with it, or walk away. yes i'm leaving him. it's too much, the secrets, the lies, the mystery, lack of communication, lack of compromise, lack of sex, weed addcition (which i didn't know about either), porn addiction, you name it! i won't say anything, next week i'm going out of town for the whole week, when i come back i'll go straight to my mom's instead of "our" place, i'll go pick my things up on monday or tuesday and the furniture one of my friends lent us. i do't see the need in talking with him AGAIN, he won't listen, he won't talk, so there's no point. it will be hard since we work in the same place, but i HAVE to do it. it's too much for me. Link to post Share on other sites
steve38 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Right on! Life's too short to waste time on someone that doesn't make you happy. Take some time for yourself and get comfortable living in your own skin. After that, everything will work out swell. I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 thank you Steve!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck818 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Men like porn. This is not a problem. get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Men like porn. This is not a problem. get over it. if it was just the porn i would sooo get over it, sadly there's too many other things that are wrong. i like porn too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mahatma Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I don't even want to confront him, but it does bother me that he hides things from me. any suggestions? Find it in his presence. This forces the subject to arise. Then you just need to act like its nothing. Tease him a little, but act like it is nothing. Once he is comfortable with admitting he likes porn, ask him why he felt like he had to lie. -------------------------------------------------- edit: Hmm. It seems you have more issues than just porn. I think being a MEMBER on a porn site is so stupid. That is bad in my opinion. There is NO reason to pay for porn unless you have already seen the milllllllllllllions of free videos already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Mahatma, it seems to be a real problem. I think he might be addicted, that's why he won't touch me. I talked to him about it, just teased him about what i know he does at work, about how i k ow he watches porn all day and that he even pays 30 bucks a month for it and how that sucks cause we don't even have enough to pay rent. obviously he denied watching porn all day at work and being a member, to which i called him by his registration name haha, i laughed and said how come your internet history says otherwise, it's all porn, besides those video converters you have on your computers are exactly for the videos on that site isn't that funny? he was upset, he didn't say anything after that just went into the bedroom. hours later he just asked if i was going to keep on being bitchy to him forever... i didn't even say anything! hahaha LOSER i'm really upset i paid for his weed and porn without even knowing, my savings are gone cause i was always helping with the payments... i'm pissed but relieved to know i wasn't the problem! i really wasn't!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mahatma Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Mahatma, it seems to be a real problem. I think he might be addicted, that's why he won't touch me. I talked to him about it, just teased him about what i know he does at work, about how i k ow he watches porn all day and that he even pays 30 bucks a month for it and how that sucks cause we don't even have enough to pay rent. obviously he denied watching porn all day at work and being a member, to which i called him by his registration name haha, i laughed and said how come your internet history says otherwise, it's all porn, besides those video converters you have on your computers are exactly for the videos on that site isn't that funny? he was upset, he didn't say anything after that just went into the bedroom. hours later he just asked if i was going to keep on being bitchy to him forever... i didn't even say anything! hahaha LOSER i'm really upset i paid for his weed and porn without even knowing, my savings are gone cause i was always helping with the payments... i'm pissed but relieved to know i wasn't the problem! i really wasn't!!! ...yeah what a dick. I am sorry to hear about such an idiot infecting your life. I wish you the best (just don't have a fear of guys who watch porn...they all do) Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Men like porn. This is not a problem. get over it. I like porn myself, and I think a lot of people get way too bent out of shape over just good ole fashion private fantasies. But, I have to concede that if I'm always wanking to porn and not giving my girl enough love in real time, I couldn't blame her for walking away. I think that's the issue here. Porn is fine in moderation, but it becomes a problem when the porn becomes the object of fantasy to the point of obsession. It can create an imbalance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polola303 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 so I taked to him abouti AGAIN, yes, I am THAT stupid. it all started when i found him hiding his pot again. I was so sad and angry, always hiding everything. So I told him he had promised he wouldn't be hiding his pot from me, of course he denied using it so I had to show hi the evidence. So then I satrted going on and on how he always lies and hides things from me, what kind of relationship is this, etc. you lie to me, you hide things from me, you don't touch me. and his like oh here we go again... but i just can't believe he just won't acept there's something wrong and just keep making me feel like ****. he has accepted to go to therapy, but whatever my last try was yesterday and he still won't appologize or show some compromise. So I started asking why are they better than me (his porn chicks)? I can do what they do and much more... why do you prefer them over me? why would you rather look at a screen instead of me? and all he could say was, it's different why? it's the same, I like you both... but you look at them everyday and you don't look at me ever, so after a long time of that crap he just said, well beacuse I don't have sex with them, I just like to look at them and I don't have to do anything with them. so i think he has fear of real women, of not being able to measure up. I don't know, it's been horrible. All the love i had for him is now pitty and disgust. His mommy is always giving him money, buying him clothes, the new grill for his car... he's 35 for crying out loud! gorw a pair! be a man! sorry I needed to vent a bit... Link to post Share on other sites
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