how do I handle this sticky situation?

[paddington bear]

Ok so I posted about this 'friend' before. First mixed signals, then he called to say 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now'. I decided to stay friends with him, but try my best not to get emotionally involved with him or start to hope against hope that he would change his mind and yet, I guess that faint spark of hope that maybe one day, is always there, even when you don't think it's there and even when you are actively looking for someone else.

 

I of course didn't find anyone else to date, I did try my best to flirt and get out there and meet other people, but nothing came of anything. And any time I did talk to guys, say out in a club and my friend was around, he would appear from nowhere and literally scare the other guy away.

 

We then ended up spending time together for weeks. I worried before this period of time started that it was going to be hard for me to keep an emotional distance from him as I would literally be spending 24 hours a day with him.

 

And it was hard, we grew closer without even being aware of what was happening and slipped into couple-mode a little bit, cooking together etc. And yes, there was some mild flirtation going on, but nothing more than that. He looked after me and listened to me and vice versa and we supported each other when things went wrong.

 

Now we are back to our real and separate lives and recently we had our first argument, which I recounted to a friend who said 'but that's wierd, it's like a standard argument that a couple would have' - and it's true, I have ended up in a situation, and he too, where we are a couple but without the sex and intimacy, he calls me all the time and tells me about the good things that happen and the bad things, and he listens to me about my life too, we have literally shared everything with one another and all through this I kept thinking that when one of us meets someone else, this will come to an end and that it was at best a shaky foundation for a close friendship. There is also an ex there who calls him at least once a day for very long conversations, so he's kind of got one foot in the door there too.

 

With my female friends I don't worry that when they meet a guy that I will lose them forever because you don't get into that situation where you are a substitute boyfriend/girlfriend. When you are a single guy who is best friends with a single girl, things get all confused and muddled up and you know that at some point in the future your whole relationship will change. I'm really not deluding myself here, but I have the strong feeling that he has feelings for me, but is working hard on avoiding going there, he wants to have me around, doesn't want to lose me, and yet won't get involved in a relationship with me (or with anyone else, might I add).

 

Anyway, during our patching up of the row I finally told him that I didn't know whether it was good for me to hang out with a guy who had clearly stated that he didn't want a relationship with me, that (unlike him) I did know what I wanted, I wanted a boyfriend and being around him was diverting all my time and energy away from finding someone who would want to be with me, that I needed to create a gap in my life to allow that other man (whoever he may be) in. He made no response to this at all, only to mumble 'I really need to sort out my relationship issues' and then said he'd call me over Christmas which meant that he completely disregarded my earlier statements.

 

So I guess, I don't know what to do now. I don't want to hurt this guy, he has been a very good friend to me and has supported me, and yet, he does need to go, as I can't hang around waiting for him to 'be ready', which will probably never happen, and I knew that months ago anyway and tried hard to avoid this very situation. I've also finally stated my case, so he knows the deal.

 

Do I do the no contact thing and hurt him in the process? Do I try to stay friends with him, but see him and talk to him far less than before with the risk that he stays in my head and heart? I've gotten myself into this ridiculous situation and I'm not sure how to get myself out of it without hurting me or him in the process. Any ideas?

[norajane]

Do I try to stay friends with him, but see him and talk to him far less than before with the risk that he stays in my head and heart?

I think this is your best option. You were very honest with him and told him what's going on, so he shouldn't be surprised that you aren't as available to him as you were before. He DOES need to sort out his issues, whatever they are, and having some distance from you could help that.

 

Having distance will help you as well. He'd stay in your head and your heart regardless of whether you don't have any contact with him at all. Just move on and date others, and stop going out with him so often so that he doesn't scare those other guys away. Put him firmly in the friend-zone, not this weird couple-but-not-a-couple zone he's in now.

 

You'll know soon enough whether he's gotten his head out of his ass or whether he's going to go his separate way. But don't wait for him. He might never get over whatever his internal psychological issues are. Move on and live your life.

[Geishawhelk]

Huh! I saw "Paddington bear" and "Sticky situation" and thought 'marmelade spillage'.....

 

You know what you do?

You've given him your thoughts, on a platter.

He hasn't come back with anything concrete.

So yup. I agree with norajane.

you make yourself less available to him - and go on dates.

 

You cannot let someone be in control of your moves. That means abdicating responsibility for your own life, and nobody has a right to do that to you, and you really shouldn't be prepared to hand over the reins to anyone else.

 

So put that broom down, take off that pinny, and change your frock, cinders..... the ball's started rolling.....

[paddington bear]

Thanks guys...you know when your head is completely confused and you just can't think straight any more, so it's good to get some perspecitive.

 

Right ho, time to get out of the sticky marmalade mess and onwards and upwards towards some kind of non-marmalade reminiscant sticky, confused male female situation (am I taking the marmalade thing too far??? yes! time to stop!)