Reinforcing NC Rule

[samspade]

You're sad, it's fine. Be sad. You need your GUY friends, or your family, to be there for you. Or, you need to be alone. What you do not need is to keep ramming your head into the wall by contacting her.

 

It sucks that it's the holidays, too....but you need to start thinking positive. Your problems amount to jack squat right now. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for. Make a list of all the reasons you're GLAD you're not trapped in a relationship with her anymore. Read both lists every day. Play with your kids.

 

Don't agonize over the NC thing. Just stick with it again. She's the one who got all upset and drove to her mom's house and made her mom call you, for Pete's sake. THAT'S desperation. I'd say you're still on top. Just move on.

[paperchase]

I do need more friends to lean on. Most of mine live far away and are preoccupied with their own lives. The holidays aren't bumming me out too much. I have something coming up in early January that is very stressful and very important. I need to focus on that because so much rides on it. This emotional roller coaster ride can't come at a worse time. Wish I had my kids right now. I got them for the first part of Christmas break and their mom has them through the new year. I've talked to a few x-girlfriends for support, but they don't always give good advice and a few aren't too empathetic if you know what I mean.

 

Anyway, thanks for all your sage advice. I really appreciate it.

[peacebyinches]

I had hope for you Paperchase when she said she cant live without you, you were the best etc etc until she said she needs more time to get herself together. Love is love. Men and women jump for love. We can move mountains to get to someone we love. If she was really ready to come back then she wouldn't need more time. She is just grieving her loss. It sucks. Im hurting too. Its good to know I aint alone. Glad I found this site. Me rooting for you makes me stronger.

 

I felt like we belonged together. I felt like we were soulmates. I felt she was perfect. I felt no one was better than her. I cant see myself with anyone else right now and it crushes me to think of her with someone else. Im hurt like a mother ****er.

 

I sent an explaination for NC text last night around 3am. Regret it now. Dont know why but I do.

 

Id like to know why you said we'd be together forever. Why you said we were soulmates. Why you said you were my fiance. Why when it was all a lie.

 

All I can do now is show her I got some ****ing pride. I know you are gonna miss me. I know you'll never find anyone that loved you the why I did. It may take weeks months or years but you'll see. They always do but they seem to wait until it is too late.

[peacebyinches]

That last half wasnt my text btw. Just my thoughts at the moment.

[paperchase]

So her saying she needs more time is the deathknell? I suppose you are right, peacebyinches. I really didn't see it that way and the time. Why would she say we are perfect for each other and then walk away from what we had?

 

As for your 3am explanation text....it was a bad idea. Them not knowing why you are doing NC makes it all the more effective.

 

Question: is it all effective to call or send an email just ending things. moving on. telling her to get herself together for her, not us. I just feel like ending the hope even though it springs eternal.

[peacebyinches]

Part of me wants to break NC to express my anger. Im pissed in addition to being hurt. But if I do it will be pointless. She knows I got a tounge like a razor when Im hurt. It will just make me look more pathetic. Letting go is tough. Im strong one minute weak the next. Thing is to just not do something stupid in either mode. lol.

[samspade]

Question: is it all effective to call or send an email just ending things. moving on. telling her to get herself together for her, not us. I just feel like ending the hope even though it springs eternal.

 

Effective? To what end? It's not going to make you feel better - she will either ignore you (leaving you feeling like an idiot) or respond and rope you into more pointless conversation (making you feel worse). If you're trying to get the last word in, don't bother. You will retain your dignity ONLY through silence. I don't know how many times I have to say this for it to sink in.

 

There have been plenty of times I've tried to get the last word in, and it never got me anywhere. Besides, what would you be ending? She already broke up with you, now she's roped you in with her manipulative messages...she knows she can get your attention, and that's good enough for her. Trust me: Silence is golden.

[Weezy]

Don't do it.

 

Paperchase, I can sense a big difference in your writing before you broke NC and After. Your just scrambling for ways right now to end the pain, unfortunatly, NC is the only thing that is going to get you there as you saw before..

 

It sucks, but you gotta go through it to let yourself heal.

 

If you call or text her saying it's over you will kick yourself down the road and she will lose respect for you.

[paperchase]

You are right. There is a big difference in me before and after NC. I definitely should not have broken it. And, like I said, now that it's broken I find it hard to go back. 5 days of NC really began to put me in the driver's seat. I think it will take 2 weeks of NC just to get back to that point...and I wasn't home free either. Sometimes we know the best thing to do and just can't do it. NC is one of those times.

 

I'm pretty much at the point where I need to commit to doing NC for me. It's the point where you come to grips with the fact that the woman you are chasing might not be catchable. She still loves me, but she's on the fence and love shouldn't be a waffling feeling.

 

As an aside, what do you make of the fact that she still shows jealousy at the notion of me with another woman? She's always been jealous and she still is...just not enough to be my girl again, it seems. She makes references to what I've been up to and she says she doesn't like to think about it because she can't deal with it.

[peacebyinches]

As an aside, what do you make of the fact that she still shows jealousy at the notion of me with another woman? She's always been jealous and she still is...just not enough to be my girl again, it seems. She makes references to what I've been up to and she says she doesn't like to think about it because she can't deal with it.

Try to keep up. Im gonna get very deep and scientific here. All women are ****ing crazy. Hope that answers your question on the jealousy.

[Weezy]

What I make of all of it is she is still very emotionally connected to you, and still has all the feelings that a person would have in a relationship.. The fact she says she still loves you and all that jazz says a ton.

 

The power is in your hands if you choose to accept it.. NC is the only thing that's gonna bring you guys back togeather.... or help you get out of the funk your in. Don't give into NC unless she wants to talk.

 

Your in the worst of it now.. Just remember that, I know it doesn't fix anything.. but she keep on going NC and things will get better.

 

Trust me. I'm doing way better since I've stuck to NC.. Starting to find myself thinking about stuff other then the EX and am alot more fun to be around..

 

What I do is I delete her number from my phone so I'm not tempted to call her. I also delete all her Txt Messages and all that so your not digging them up and looking at them all the time.

 

Try and post on here instead of calling her..

[paperchase]

What I make of all of it is she is still very emotionally connected to you, and still has all the feelings that a person would have in a relationship.. The fact she says she still loves you and all that jazz says a ton.

 

The power is in your hands if you choose to accept it.. NC is the only thing that's gonna bring you guys back togeather.... or help you get out of the funk your in. Don't give into NC unless she wants to talk.

 

Your in the worst of it now.. Just remember that, I know it doesn't fix anything.. but she keep on going NC and things will get better.

 

Trust me. I'm doing way better since I've stuck to NC.. Starting to find myself thinking about stuff other then the EX and am alot more fun to be around..

 

What I do is I delete her number from my phone so I'm not tempted to call her. I also delete all her Txt Messages and all that so your not digging them up and looking at them all the time.

 

Try and post on here instead of calling her..

 

Thanks for the inspiration. I'm back on the NC bandwagon. I was definitely getting stronger by the day and it was making her long for me so there's no doubt that it works. Can it result in long term reconciliation? Who knows. But if long term reconciliation is possible, it seems NC is the only means to that end. How long have you been NC?

[Weezy]

I've been in NC for about 18 days now, not really keeping track...

 

I went 12 days of NC after I offered to go to couseling to fix things between us and she just told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to try it again and then I got a phone call saying she didn't know why she was calling and she just wanted to hear my voice and wishing me a merry xmas..

 

I got a Christmas text from her wishing me a Merry Christmas and hoping I have a wonderful time with my family. I responded at like 11 at night with a "You too". So I guess I kind of broke NC, but it doesn't feel like it since It was such a meaningless text message and I didn't give her the confirmation I think she was hoping for that I was still waiting around for her. Kind of funny cause I've been second guessing the txt thinking I should have at least said Merry Christmas... but if she doesn't call again because she didn't like my text, then there really wasn't any hope to begin with and I might have felt worse if I did send her a nice text back...

 

Let me know if you have any thoughts on the txt.

 

At any rate, those first 12 days were not fun, but now it's alot better. I've been on a couple of dates thus far so I can see myself moving on without her and actually think about how being single will be kind of fun, which is light years away from where I was a week ago. Stay strong, just get through 1 day at a time.. One other thing that helps me is working out.. When I'm in the gym or running, I can focus all my anger/sadness/frustration into lifting and use it to release alot of my pent up frustration and it really helps me sleep too.

[paperchase]

I've been in NC for about 18 days now, not really keeping track...

 

I went 12 days of NC after I offered to go to couseling to fix things between us and she just told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to try it again and then I got a phone call saying she didn't know why she was calling and she just wanted to hear my voice and wishing me a merry xmas..

 

I got a Christmas text from her wishing me a Merry Christmas and hoping I have a wonderful time with my family. I responded at like 11 at night with a "You too". So I guess I kind of broke NC, but it doesn't feel like it since It was such a meaningless text message and I didn't give her the confirmation I think she was hoping for that I was still waiting around for her. Kind of funny cause I've been second guessing the txt thinking I should have at least said Merry Christmas... but if she doesn't call again because she didn't like my text, then there really wasn't any hope to begin with and I might have felt worse if I did send her a nice text back...

 

Let me know if you have any thoughts on the txt.

 

At any rate, those first 12 days were not fun, but now it's alot better. I've been on a couple of dates thus far so I can see myself moving on without her and actually think about how being single will be kind of fun, which is light years away from where I was a week ago. Stay strong, just get through 1 day at a time.. One other thing that helps me is working out.. When I'm in the gym or running, I can focus all my anger/sadness/frustration into lifting and use it to release alot of my pent up frustration and it really helps me sleep too.

 

I think any contact shows you still care somewhat. I ignored the Merry Christmas text which was followed by a Merry Christmas Scrooge text, then a call from her, then from her mom. I broke NC after that and am unhappy I did.

 

I'm new to the NC thing, but timing is key. She was texting me Christmas Eve and when I failed to respond she drove to her mom's right then over 600 miles away where she's been since. I keep thinking had she come over to my place on Christmas Eve we may have made up. Once she got to her mom's she has a support structure there so she's not pining quite as much. I broke NC once she got there and she was definitely less desperate than she had been the day before. My call definitely shifted the dynamic. No way escaping the fact that she's not missing me as much since I reached out and that I should have reached out, if at all, soon after I received one of her desperate messages -- not at some other random time.

 

Just like your X, she was happy to hear my voice. She had lots of feelings and didn't know what to say. She also understands better where my head is and why I've been doing NC which helps her, not me. I didn't spell it out, but love can be transparent. I don't think she'll be calling me unless she wants me back, and I don't think she'll get desperate in 5 days this time.

 

It's good that you've gone out and can see yourself moving on. Nobody wants to hold out false hope -- not saying yours is -- and nobody has written about hold long NC should take if they are to come back. I believe that the first time you go NC, if you had a tight knit relationship where you saw and talked to each other daily, you should hear something from your X in the first 3 days and the correspondence should intensify thereafter. I think if you break NC, then all bets are off. My completely unscientific guess is that if they don't reach out hard to you in 30 days, it's over. Maybe not forever, but any reconcilliation could be several months or years away. Definitely too long to be waiting for anyone.

[kizik]

Hi there,

 

I have been without contact with my ex on both ends (mine and hers) for over 6 months. 6 months dude. And even after all that time, I can't tell you how much I wanted to receive just one little text message on Christmas from her. It would have made me feel so good, just to know that she was thinking about me.

 

But it never came. And of course I didn't text her, either. And then I came onto LoveShack and there was a thread about "did your ex contact you on Xmas?" And that hurt.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that other posters are correct in telling you that you are in the worst of it right now... and you are... and even 6 months from now, you'll still be thinking of her, I think. And it's all so beautifully normal. It's why I love LS. You are not alone here.

 

She didn't contact me for this reason: she doesn't care about me anymore. And that's a tough pill to swallow. But you know what? I can make it on my own. And you can too.

 

I'll tell you this as well: there is no way in hell I would be as far along in my progress, had I been in contact with her over the last 6 months. I went NC to heal, and it is happening. I'm not on her string anymore; in fact, a new guy is. So good luck to him. He's gonna need it.

[Weezy]

Paperchase,

 

What's the latest buddy? How you holding up with the NC?

[paperchase]

Paperchase,

 

What's the latest buddy? How you holding up with the NC?

 

I haven't exactly been NC. I've spent a few days including NYE with my ex and we've been having some tender moments without really discussing the relationship. She keeps saying things like how she messed up something so good and took me out to brunch today. She keeps saying how she loves me, etc. It's like she's having mini monologues at times...."What are we doing?" she asks. She tried to get me to open up by asking how I felt, what was I thinking, or what I was doing or wanted for us, but I refused to bite. I'm just not articulating szhit. I've been wearing the poker face but admitedly have been kind to her -- though not overly so. Honestly, I'm not sure where it's going or whether I care. I'll explain later how I got from NC to here, but this forum was instrumental.

 

I'm also getting the distinct feeling that despite pushing me away she isn't ready to let go. We are probably both using each other a bit. I'm might be weaning myself. Strangely, the time we are spending lately is not confusing me. It's brought a bit of clarity. I'm beggining to identify some real flaws in our relationship that might be difficult to overcome. These issues have nothing to do with love. We are 13 years apart and I'm divorced with 2 young children. She's packing up her bedroom of the apartment she kept with her sorority sisters and trying to find a place to live. She knows I could rush to her rescue and doesn't really want me to. And just seeing her instability, emotional and otherwise, has given me pause about jumping in too deep. If she begged for me back, and I accepted, I would definitely take it slow.

 

And despite my big bad posture, I have no delusions that I'm in the clear yet.

[Weezy]

Glad to hear it.. Sounds like your working towards getting things back togeather.

 

I'm struggling now and wishing that I would have wrote back a nicer text message then "You too" to her Xmas txt.

 

I was getting excited after getting a phone call and a txt message over Xmas. While she has been on a family vacation between Christmas and New Years, I'm starting to think maybe I should txt her and see if she wants to get togeather for dinner or something.. Although this could just be me being weak since I didn't hear from her over the new year.

 

What do you guys think?

[paperchase]

Glad to hear it.. Sounds like your working towards getting things back togeather.

 

I'm struggling now and wishing that I would have wrote back a nicer text message then "You too" to her Xmas txt.

 

I was getting excited after getting a phone call and a txt message over Xmas. While she has been on a family vacation between Christmas and New Years, I'm starting to think maybe I should txt her and see if she wants to get togeather for dinner or something.. Although this could just be me being weak since I didn't hear from her over the new year.

 

What do you guys think?

 

Be patient. Be strong. I find that ex's reach out in moments of quiet. When they are preoccupied with life, parties, family and other social engagements is not the time for you to make your presence known. Their moments of weakness come in solitude.

 

Also, there's no need to feel bad about your response. The only thing better would have been to say nothing. Give it some time and find something to keep yourself busy.

[Weezy]

Thanks for the words of encouragement... I'll stick to my guns for a while longer. Funny how your brain starts to play tricks on you about what you should have done and what not.

[Tinkerbelll]

I have been reading and thinking a lot about NC. I have accepted much of what I have read and drawn a few conclusions of my own which are yet to be tested. To the extent the the purpose of NC is to win your ex back -- something I know is strongly advised against -- the thinking is that the silence must not be broken until the ex breaks it. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

 

The next question asked by most, is what constitutes a sufficient communication from your ex to justify breaking the silence. This is difficult and highly fact specific. In short, however, I think that ideally one needs and unequivocal communication stating two important things: (1) that they want to be in a committed relationship with you again and (2) that they are willing to do whatever is necessary to make it work. Anything short of that is likely bread crumbs, as stated by fellow poster samspade, or fool's gold. You go for the bait and you stand a very good chance of losing all leverage and winding up right back where you started.

 

There are all types of communications that may come from your ex once you give them the silent treatment. Most of them are manipulative. They may include little meaningless unnecessary text messages, or they may rise to the level of statements indicating they miss you or they are sorry. If you get no communication after going dark, you better start doing NC for yourself fast. You better abandon the false hope. Chances are if your mate hasn't reached out, they are happy you pulled yourself together and stopped acting so desperate. They are hoping you have moved on...so move on.

 

But waiting on what I like to call the "Magic Words" or the smoking gun is hard. We don't want the glove that doesn't fit; we want the murder weapon. They quit us, so we want them to ask for us back, and anything short of that DEFINITELY puts us in harm's way if we break the silence. Once they see our cards, we are no longer in a position of strength. Our bluff has been called. That's the risk. On the flip side, we worry that the no contact method could backfire -- especially if they are saying things just shy of the magic words we want to hear.

 

Yes, the problem lies in the prospect that our relationship might be reconcilable, yet our ex might not ever utter the magic words. Maybe they don't know what the words are. Maybe to them, saying sorry is enough. Maybe their pride won't let them go any further without some form of reciprocation. Unlikely, but it remains a possibility. The counter argument is that if they really want you back, they will move heaven and earth to make it so. They will shout if from the highest mountain top. But maybe they think they moved heaven and earth by reaching out and saying how much they miss you in the face of the silent treatment you have imposed.

 

A fundamental tenant to any healthy relationship is that it takes two. They quit you. You imposed silence. They reached out and now you won't play ball. I'm just being devil's advocate here, but by expecting them to utter the magic words and give you the key to the castle, aren't we expecting a little too much. Yes, they hurt us and, yes, any reconciliation should happen on our terms, but we've shut them out so they don't know what we are thinking.

 

Aside from when or whether to breack NC, there's the issue of how it should be broken. I'll save that discussion, and a more comprehensive analysis of using NC to win back your ex, for a separate thread at a later time. I'm still doing due dilligence, and in no way consider myself an expert on the matter.

 

I know I raised more questions than I answered, but I'm really trying to do some critical thinking on the subject. I hope to make a contribution to this forum from which I have taken so much lately.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

I took my time to answer that, because I had the very same situation and was unsure on how to handle it properly.

He quit, my fault, his fault..it doesn't really matters, we were arguing too much and he took the decision.

I asked him to try again, he said NO.

This is what really matters: he was not willing to give us another chance.

I disappeared from the radar, I could feel he was searching for me and that he was trying to give me the higher degree of pain, mainly dating other girls, a friend of mine and so on..

Of course he came back, texting and calling..but for what??

Sex? Show me he can have me everytime he wants?

I kept NC since I became aware that he will need much more than a couple of calls or BS texts to have me again.

If we wants to, because at this stage I am realizing that at the end I wasn't maybe such big deal for him as I thought..

I cannot rush the process, but I am afraid that whenever we will be ready it will be too late for me.