Anti-Social, How do you overcome these feelings?

[Joey]

I come to realize what my problem, why I am so anti-social and never become involved with things. As a young one in school, I was an outcast, so to speak. I wasn't popular, didn't have friends, was the fat overweight kid that was always picked last during P.E.. even then it was only because they were forced to.

 

I never went to parties, never really did anything. When I did, it was mainly invitation only.. other than that I never went or did anything or go anywhere. I've changed physically since then, I lost a lot of weight but the other day I was a company picnic and I found myself just sitting alone really not doing anything, occasionally talked to people. But this was during a time when there were games, and other such going on and people would go out in groups or whatever and participate.

 

So tonight I was thinking, why? I realize that because I was an outcast, I'm use to the formal invitation, so to speak. Meaning, that it's still with me mentally that unless I'm personally invited to go or do something then I won't. It's a problem, I felt that because nobody said "Hey, lets go play mini putt putt" at the picnic that I wasn't invited and would of felt like an outcast.

 

That's my problem, I was so devastated as a kid cause I was always teased, taunted, and had no friends that my state of mind still holds that in memory. I still have the same feelings I did then. Rather than just go in and do it and have fun, I feel that I'm not wanted because nobody invited me.

 

How do you overcome these feelings? Sheesh, who would ever think that crap that happened as a kid would affect you 4 years after graduating high school?

[yes]

Any chance of counselling?

 

Otherwise, since you've already noticed the invitation thing, why not just consciously overcome it? Next time you're at a party and people get up to play smth, simply ask "can i join?". Or, you could suggest to play a game yourself. Same with conversations - just walk up to the group and say "mind if i join your conversation?" and join. Or come up to somebody who's standing alone & chat with him/her.

 

It's hard to overcome the roles we got while in school ... but it's possible, I'm sure.

 

good luck,

-yes

[Clancy]

The bottom line here is that you missed out on a part of your psychological and social development. There were things about socializing that you were supposed to learn as you grew from infant to toddler, from pre-teen to teen to young adult.

 

It's not only a question of what happenned to you in high-school. And these deficiencies will follow you throughout your life unless you start now to learn what you need to know. You'll need to perhaps follow therapy but your best bet in my opinion is to read and study books on self-esteem,. and personal; development. Read all kinds of books on self-development, even books on becoming a business leader.

 

You can't suddenly become good at socializing. It takes study and practice. And it takes years. Good luck

[2SidestoStories]

Hiya Joey.

 

Being antisocial is a difficult hurdle to overcome. There are often times people who are antisocial who recognize it but don't care to do anything about it. I would like to point out that in your recognizing that you have this as a problem, you have actually already begun to make it better. I don't mean to sound cheesy, but honestly if you don't know what's wrong, how can you go about fixing something? Another key point to remember is to stick to it once you've begun making necessary changes. Don't let yourself fall into the routine of "This didn't work...this will NEVER work!" Self-defeating behavior, that!

 

Both Yes and Clancy make very valid points as well, I have to point out.

 

Best of luck to you!

[HokeyReligions]

Oh Man - Been There - Done That - Bought the T-Shirt.

 

Kids used to chase after me on the playground and thump me on the back with their fists - as hard as they could, because I was the "outcast" in school. I know how you feel. It goes way beyond being shy and believe me, it is going to take some hard work on your part.

 

You HAVE to walk over and join in a conversation. You HAVE to initiate conversations and activities. That's all there is to it. But it is a damn hard thing to do when you feel the way you feel. I started doing that finally at a job. I just said "wanna go to lunch today?" to someone and we started going out to lunch and others would come with us, or I would go with different people. It got easier to do, but it didn't really get easier to initiate - I kept feeling that hesitation. Now when I find myself in a new situation I still feel hesitant to speak up and participate, but I force myself to do just that. And it works. I'm beginning to be accepted as part of the pack - so to speak. And as I see and feel others accepting me, I begin to accept myself also.

 

If you see some folks talking and laughing, walk up and say "hey, looks like you guys are having fun - what'cha talking about? Can anyone join in?" and have a smile on your face - be a little fun sounding -- others will laugh and include you. If you are working someplace where they have coffee, the next time you make a fresh pot and are walking back to your desk with a cup, gently call out "fresh coffee - come and get it" or "I just made a fresh pot of coffee" If you are going to get a soda, ask one or two people around you if you can bring one back, or share your popcorn, or anything to let others know you are around and that you are a decent guy & they will begin to include you.

 

It's tricky - I've walked into a few conversations or situations where it was uncomfortable and I knew I was intruding after I got there. I said "sorry for the interuption - I thought you were talking about something else" and I walked away. I did not let that get to me though, or make me stop going forward. It's hard, I know, but it can be done.