Need some input...

[Lyred]

Last Thursday (4-6) My girlfriend of 5 years came to me and told me that she believed that we needed some time apart. I never, ever expected to hear that from her. She told me that she still loves me more than anything and that she didn't want to lose me, but I is still hard for me to take. We are normally together all the time and now for use to be apart for a week now I just about going crazy. We do talk about once a day, but not for long. I miss her so much. She seems to ack when I see her or talk with her l;ike it doesn't bother her, but I feel devastated. We have never broken up befor in the whole 5 years until now, but I do not even know if this is even a break up. We both go to the same college and she is going to be graduating in a couple of months. I want to keep telling myself that she is just going through a hard time right now, but if that was the case wouldn't she want me there for her. I know I would. She tells me that she just wants to know what it is like to be single in college. she doesn't what to have any worries these last few monts is what she told me. She has a real close friend that is a guy. The have always spent time together but it seems now they are always together. I aske her aabout it the other day and she said she did not have any feelings for him. This is just a hard situation for me. I do not know what to think. I hope she is just doing this for herself; so she can find herself after being with me for 5 years. I told her that if this is what she wanted (needed) that is what i'd do for her, because I love her so much. She tells me if we were meant to be that we have nothing to worry about it'll all wor out. (she says you have to love it enough to let it go and see if it comes back) I tell her that I believe if you love something enough you hold on to it because that kind of love doesn't come along often. I need help...........

[Lisa]

Someone once told that when a man starts spending a lot of time with a female friend, he is working on making her is next girlfriend. In your case, substitute the sexes.

 

Talking to her even a little bit everyday is probably hard on you. But I know that feeling of wanting to maintain touch with her, especially after 5 years.

 

Maybe she likes this other guy as a friend only and feels you might be hurt if you knew how much time she was spending with him and she may think that during this time away from you you won't be so hurt if you don't know about him. Hope that makes sense.

 

If she is really using this time to think things over, you should not be talking so much. I think it only makes things more painful for you; to be talking to her and not able to touch her and see her and be with her is probably torture.

 

You have enough torture going on no knowing what she is thinking or feeling.

 

Without giving up on her totally, try to move on with your life. I know how stupid and inept that sounds, but you do have to try. She may be back and she may not, but if you find other interests and other things to fill your time you won't be quite as distraught should she decide to not come back, and if she does, you will have interesting things to share with her.

 

I do agree that if she really loves you, she will come back. Some people fall into a routine or rut after a period of time and though they love the person may not be experiencing that "glow" or limerance they had in the beginning during the infatuation period. People often mistake that comfort zone as being out of love, which is often not true.

 

Try to be patient with her and not push her for an explanation or decision. If you do, both of you may regret it later. Five years is a long time; no doubt she feels much the same as you do. But she obviously needs some time to explore her feelings and be sure of them.

 

So you can use this period constructively too. Don't mope around and worry about her. Talking to her everyday is "checking in"; don't do that. Allow both of you to utilize this time for some self-exploration.

[Jesaco]

Last Thursday (4-6) My girlfriend of 5 years came to me and told me that she believed that we needed some time apart. I never, ever expected to hear that from her. She told me that she still loves me more than anything and that she didn't want to lose me, but I is still hard for me to take. We are normally together all the time and now for use to be apart for a week now I just about going crazy. We do talk about once a day, but not for long. I miss her so much. She seems to ack when I see her or talk with her l;ike it doesn't bother her, but I feel devastated. We have never broken up befor in the whole 5 years until now, but I do not even know if this is even a break up. We both go to the same college and she is going to be graduating in a couple of months. I want to keep telling myself that she is just going through a hard time right now, but if that was the case wouldn't she want me there for her. I know I would. She tells me that she just wants to know what it is like to be single in college. she doesn't what to have any worries these last few monts is what she told me. She has a real close friend that is a guy. The have always spent time together but it seems now they are always together. I aske her aabout it the other day and she said she did not have any feelings for him. This is just a hard situation for me. I do not know what to think. I hope she is just doing this for herself; so she can find herself after being with me for 5 years. I told her that if this is what she wanted (needed) that is what i'd do for her, because I love her so much. She tells me if we were meant to be that we have nothing to worry about it'll all wor out. (she says you have to love it enough to let it go and see if it comes back) I tell her that I believe if you love something enough you hold on to it because that kind of love doesn't come along often. I need help...........

Hi!

 

You know, I've been hearing that a lot lately. That if you set the one you love free, and they come back, then it was really meant to be. It's sounds nice, but it's "crap". And what do you mean, "set her free", or "let her go"? Noone has a hold on anyone unless they want to be held on to. And if this woman tells you, after five years of being together, that she want's to be on her own for awhile, then she doesn't love you romantically. You may love her, and probably do, and that's why you're not holding her back from what she want's to do. Loving someone means you want them to be happy, and nothing they do will change your love for them, nothing.

 

People are not limited to falling in love with only one person in their lifetime. You may fall in love many times in your life. And so may she. But the only way you can share lifetime happiness in a relationship, is when both of you feel that same romantic love about each other. And when you feel that, you never ever feel like you need to get away for awhile and be on your own. That person becomes a part of your life and a part of you.

 

So keep your friendship with her as long as you want. But don't make yourself miserable waiting to see if she may someday change her mind. You have needs to. And you need to spend time with people who love you also. And you also need to have a good time once in a while.

 

Jesaco

[Angelina]

Sounds tough, but life always throws you things like this. Here's my advice:

 

Don't worry about the male friend too much. We often worry about losing our partners to someone else, and a dose of jealousy is natural. But if she really wants to be with this guy, eventually she'll end up with him, regardless of what you do or say.

 

Work on yourself, and your own life. Envision what life was like before you were with her. This is going to be a lonely period for you. This is going to be a time for self-evaluation. You're going to learn that you CAN be without her.

 

Be there for her. If she changes her mind and wants to get back together, make sure that's what she really wants, and what you want. Don't stay together because of comfort. But do allow her back into your life if the feeling is right.

 

Go with your gut instincts. Listen to your heart.

[Marcella]

Jesaco: It sounds as if, through your web-site, that you and your husband have an absolutely wonderful life together. The fact that you still "tingle" when he touches you is incredible! Most of us should only be that lucky. I think that's just terrific.

 

HOWEVER, I truly don't believe that most marriages (after 20 years) are still that way. If they are, great. But I do believe that marriages and relationships take work, and often, the excitement does wear off. I am concerned that you are looking at your own relationship (which is just fabulous, apparently) and assuming that this is the way love is; and any deviation from this, is not love. For example, in Lyred's case, there are obviously problems, and maybe his girlfriend and he are not "meant to be" and that they will realize after time apart that the love really isn't there. However, I have to disagree with your posting to him in several respects. First, I do believe that sometimes you have to let something go to realize just how much they mean to you and that it is "meant to be". There are other factors in life that may result in someone questioning their love for someone (depression; a new "attractive" friend, etc.). Questioning doesn't always mean that the relationship's done. Also, I do think that even if you love someone dearly, there may come a time when one feels they need to "get away" for a while. Personally, I can vouch for that. I love my boyfriend dearly, we have been through thick and thin together, he is my future husband, no doubt in my mind. But there have been times in the four years we've been together that I just needed to "get away", not from him necessarily, but from EVERYTHING, and do some soul-searching, meditation, figure out some issue in my life, whatever. Certainly not to the extent that Lyred's girlfriend is needing to, but time to myself. And it only made my relationship with my boyfriend stronger.

 

Now, I certainly don't know if Lyred and his girlfriend will work out. They're young, and it's very possible they don't have a future together. I read your posts frequently, and the one thing that continues to enter my mind is that you have what appears to be a very rare kind of relationship with your husband that most of us will probably never experience. Congratulations! But it doesn't take a relationship like that or the never-challenged feelings you and your husband seem to have for love to be real or for a relationship to work.

Hi! You know, I've been hearing that a lot lately. That if you set the one you love free, and they come back, then it was really meant to be. It's sounds nice, but it's "crap". And what do you mean, "set her free", or "let her go"? Noone has a hold on anyone unless they want to be held on to. And if this woman tells you, after five years of being together, that she want's to be on her own for awhile, then she doesn't love you romantically. You may love her, and probably do, and that's why you're not holding her back from what she want's to do. Loving someone means you want them to be happy, and nothing they do will change your love for them, nothing.

 

People are not limited to falling in love with only one person in their lifetime. You may fall in love many times in your life. And so may she. But the only way you can share lifetime happiness in a relationship, is when both of you feel that same romantic love about each other. And when you feel that, you never ever feel like you need to get away for awhile and be on your own. That person becomes a part of your life and a part of you. So keep your friendship with her as long as you want. But don't make yourself miserable waiting to see if she may someday change her mind. You have needs to. And you need to spend time with people who love you also. And you also need to have a good time once in a while. Jesaco