My ex or my bf?

[almostthere]

Ok...I'm going to try to make this short and less confusing then it is. This involves three people. Me, my boyfriend and my ex.

 

I started dating my ex when I was 15. We got pregnant and married when I was 19. We had our 2nd child 3 years ago. I'm now 24. Both children were planned and we were very adult about our family life. BUT he made me cry and things got hard so I left a year ago. A little before being with him for 8 years. We are now divorcing.

 

I met this great guy 2 months ago. He is what I have been looking for. A week ago I actually felt that I could be falling for him pretty hard. He treats me excellent. He calls me on my lunch hour to say hi and before bed to say goodnight. We spend 5 days a week together and have "sleepovers" whenever possible. I don't know how he feels about me emotionally but 2 months isnt long enough to start asking those questions in my opinion.

 

The problem is this....my house is for sale and I had to meet with my ex to discuss things on Thursday night. We ended up talking about what went wrong between us from 9pm - 4am. He realizes what he did wrong and wants me back. And I really do believe he gets it now. And is willing to fix it. And just for the record incase anyone is wondering....no I didnt cheat on my boyfriend with my ex. So, now that I found my boyfriend who i am starting to get quite attached to I dont think I want to lose my bf for a we'll see if it works relationship. However, my bf frequents strip bars (i have no idea how often...not since we've been together though) and I am really uncomfortable about that. And he points out what actresses he thinks are "hot" and that kinda bugs me cause its kinda often. He likes to look at porn too. Daily maybe? Well, when Im not around. So, all that is a major no for me. I don't like that. But again after 2 months I dont feel it is my place to say something. A major plus with him is that he is very active. He races motorcycles, dirt bikes, hikes, mountain bikes, snow boards...basically everything i dont know how to do. Which I take this two ways...either I can learn from him how and grow as a person or I can walk away and remain who I am.

 

Ok...so now throw my kids in mix. They really like my bf. He is wonderful with them. BUT...their dad is their dad (even though he didnt see or talk to them for 5 weeks straight) and my son (5 yrs old) wants nothing more then for us to work it out.

 

So, now because of the porn and strip clubs I am thinking of breaking up with my bf. and enlight of my ex's "discoveries" give it another shot. My friends say I should talk to my bf about that stuff before letting him go. But i dont know what to do. And as a side note...my ex never said anything about other women being pretty and never has been to a strip club or read porno. So, thats what I am used to. Any insight would help. Thanks guys!!

[Bubbles]

Boy, I sure feel for your situation. On one hand you have a matured relationship with your ex; on the other hand you have an exciting "new" relationship. You must be some confused at this point.

 

I would like to ask you a few questions. How did your ex "discover" all these things about himself? Do you think that he actually sat and thought about what you said to him? Did he defend himself or did he try to make you see things from his perspective? Did he want the relationship to be over at the time that you two broke-up?

 

I know, I know so many questions.....but the answers all mean something.

 

Bubbles

[almostthere]

Thanks for replying so quickly. I have been trying to explain to my ex the problems in our relationship...for example....simple things like helping out with the kids and keeping his messes to a minimum. He has been on workmans comp and hasnt work a day in 3 years. When I lived there I would leave for work and to take the kids to daycare at 7:30 am and I wouldnt get home after work and from picking up the kids from daycare until 7pm. I would ask him to make dinner or at least start dinner so we could eat early and he never would. I would clean all day sunday and by Monday after work it was a mess...just from him. I could go on and on with examples but this would be sooooo long. I was not allowed to go out with anyone...not even my mom or sister. He always accused me of cheating even though I didnt know any men except my buddy at work who is 45 and married. He would make me feel useless and caused me two nervous breakdowns and I took antidepressants til I moved out. After I moved out I took myself off aftertwo weeks. All in all he's not a bad guy. He doesnt cheat, lie or hit. I just wish the things he was good at he could be better at. Anyway, he said that he was out with his friends one weekend and all the sudden things clicked. He knew exactly why I left him...I think it started when he was watching a talk show and there was this guy on there that sounded just like him...and he thought man what a jerk...then he said he sounds just like me (meaning my ex). So he started to think about things and he said things to me on Thursday I have been waiting to hear for a year. And on top of it all....after a year he says he still loves me and never once hung up the phone without telling me so. He didnt defend himself or try to explain things from his perspective. well, i guess he did try to explain things how he saw them as we were going through it. but he said that he cannot make anymore excuses for his actions. He was a jerk and wants to make me happy with whatever it takes. And no he didnt want me to leave. It tore him apart.

[Bubbles]

Sounds like this guy has "professional couch potatoe" down to a fine art! Geepers!

 

 

You know something? It sounds as though you still love this guy......why don't you try dating him for a while and see where it goes? Do not move back in with him, just simply ask him out for coffee or give him the chance to ask you out to dinner or something. I did the same thing with my ex - I gave him a chance to prove himself to me. I know you're dating a new guy now but.......for what it's worth the new guy does a few things that erk you (and wouild seriously erk me!) Be honest with the new fellow, tell him that you feel that because you were with your ex for so long, you feel that you should give it one more "honest" chance. That's only if you want to of course.

 

Although I seriously doubt that your ex went away for a week - end with the guys and he ended up watching a talk show and acquired his information......but whatever! How-ever he got the information.....let's just see if he can "walk the walk"

 

Bubbles

[almostthere]

Thanks for the advice. I hate losing my bf because he is so great but what the hell...I guess to convince myself once and for all I did make the right decision this is what I need to do. I still have to think it out but I gave myself a dead line of Friday. This is worrying me so much I cant sleep at night. The only problem now is...I'm not attracted to him anymore. Do you think that could come back? He wasn't very good at some things...not to be personal or anything but that could be a problem. It wasnt before though. I don't know. So much to think about.

[Bubbles]

You would be surprised how "attractive" someone becomes when they treat you with respect and you know that their heart is in the right place.

 

Hey, you do not have to take my advice and do what I am suggesting you do. I just feel that men don't think you're serious about the things that "piss" us off until we move out. They pretty much need to get hit in the head with a brick (literally of course).

 

Just this past winter I was in pretty much the same situation with my ex and a "new" guy. I told the new guy flat out that I was giving my ex another chance because I felt I owed him (my ex) and the relationship at least that much. He understood. You wanna know what? The new guy waited......cool huh? I was lucky though I had no idea that he was waiting. He said that he figured I must be a pretty respectable girl if I was willing to throw away such a good catch as him - just to go back to the ex because I did still feel something that resembled love. The new guy put himself in my ex's shoes and figured that if it was him that I was giving a chance to - he would certainly be grateful for that.

 

Bubbles

[almostthere]

I figured your ex was still an ex. But thats awesome that the new guy waited for you. At this point all I try to do is put my head up and smile. What else is there to do? I thought after a year it was over and sometimes I think it still is. But when he gets excited about the chance I am even thinking about coming back...it shows me that he really does care....after all this time. Sometimes I think to myself that I have done my living in the past year. I have put myself through enough stress that maybe it is time to go home. I wake up every day right now not knowing what it will hold. It was exciting and still is i guess....but i do miss the comfort in knowing what everyday will be like and that I do have someone who does love me waiting for me. I believe in soul mates. And I always wonder is he mine? I guess posting here and getting outside advice from people who dont know me and my ex has pretty much reconfirmed what I was already thinking. Whats the harm in one more time? Thank you.

[Gaz]

First of all, I would point out that your ex didn't show up until you were happy with the new guy. Reason I'd say this is that no guy likes to see "his woman" with someone else, and often times will make attempts to throw a spanner in the works. This may not be the case here, but I do find the timing a little bit "fortuitous". Do your kids still see their dad? Given that they like the new guy so much, there's a strong chance that they've been talking him up. Guys don't wake up one morning a year later and realize that we screwed up. When we screw up, we're pretty much aware of it from the start, we're just too pigheaded and proud to admit it immediately. If this fella was abusive (mentally, not necessarily physically) to the point where he made you cry and take antidepressants, then the chances of him suddenly saying to himself "wow, I screwed up, I'm an ass!" a year after the fact... the situation stinks.

 

In the meantime, you have this great guy who treats you with respect and courtesy. He's obviously crazy about you, if he's calling you at lunch and before bedtimes, and spending so much time with you. He accepts your children, and they like him a lot. Why on EARTH would you want to gamble all that away for a guy who caused you to have a nervous breakdown?

 

The porn thing - we all watch it. Every single guy. Strip clubs too. The female body is a beautiful thing, and we like to sit and stare at it as much as possible. And he seems to have adopted a "look but not touch" policy - would you rather he just saw other women? I wouldn't worry too much about it.

 

Look, you said you're not attracted to your ex anymore. He mistreated you. Sat on his backside while you did all the work. Get a grip and realize that you've found something better. Sheesh.

[almostthere]

Thanks for your prespective Gaz...I have to say one thing on all this. I was with my new bf last night...again....and I realized (again) what a great guy he really is. Not only is he handsome, funny, sweet, polite but he says the right things at the right time. And the day after I see him I end up catching myself smiling about something he has said. I can't give him up. In such a short time he has made such am impression....that should speak very loudly to me. It's tme to move forward. Not back. And yea...I am glad he has the look but dont touch rule. The porno stuff....I can deal with that. Fortunately I feel secure in who I am and secure in our relationship. I guess I really needed to have him say the things he did last night for me to realize everything. Thanks everyone.