Becoming romantically interested in troubled friends

[FeedingOnFever]

My first "boyfriend" (if you could call it that) had been my best friend for years. I literally told this guy EVERYTHING, and he told me everything in return. We tried to go from the sister-brother relationship to a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and it was AWKWARD. I use quotes around the word boyfriend because he and I never went out on a single date, never kissed, and barely held hands awkwardly once. The relationship ended in about 2 weeks flat.

 

Here's the thing I noticed. My first boyfriend had been abused as a child. To be as subtle as possible, it was not being physically hit or emotionally abused... it was the other category (the worst one in my eyes.) I don't think this "drew" me to him or anything, but I do have a strong savior complex and I worry that I still have that complex to this day.

 

My last boyfriend, who I was madly in love with for 3 years, came from a very rough household and recieved insane amounts of emotional abuse from his mother (still had a love-hate relationship with her and would never write her off for the things she's said to him.) So now I think I definitely will fall for guy friends if they have troubled pasts.

 

Does anyone else have this tendency? I'm not saying anyone should avoid the emotionally troubled like the plague. But I know I REALLY seem to seek out/attract people with many issues. The line between friendship and relationships has blurred many times due to this fact. People just become so much more appealing to me when they share a painful experience with me. I know that it's normal to be close to those who open up to you but come on... to automatically become attracted to them romantically??

 

(For the record, I loved my last ex-boyfriend for tons of other reasons. I just know that his past was what was one of the first thing that really intruiged me about him. Our relationship definitely grew from just that, but I can't deny that that was one of the attractors.)

[LovieDove24]

Yes, millions of other people have this problem. Its called co-dependency. Its so common in fact that there was a best selling book about 10 years agocalled "co-dependency no more." It is described as wanting to fix others, putting their needs ahead of yours and thus allowing yourself to ride a rollercoaster of emotions because of it.

 

I can only assume you also had some trauma in your childhood that your savior complex is stemming from. If I were you I would seriously check out that book. When I first read it page for page was way too real for me to take. But theres some great advice in there on how to avoid these types of relationships in the future.

[FeedingOnFever]

This is going to sound lame, but this post has changed my life. I even own a book on codependency, but because all of the examples in it were about physically abused wives, I didn't clue in. Tonight I pulled it off the shelf and re-read the symptoms with an open mind. I fit almost every single one.

 

I'm kind of lost as to where to go from here, but I feel like this is really something that has always been true of me. Things are clicking into place about the way I've dealt with past relationships, and I'm pretty shocked that it fits into this category so completely. I'll look into that book. The one I have still does leave a lot to be desired.

 

If I may ask, what is your story? It sounded like you related a lot to the symptoms of codependency as well.

[LovieDove24]

Well I grew up with two alcoholic parents who I was always trying to "fix" and seek attention from. Not only am I at extremely high risk for codependent relationships but also for being with an alcoholic. Ohh if that isnt the ultimate "fixer upper!"

 

In all honesty, I can completely relate to what you're saying about not knowing what to do with this information. Sure, you now know your tendencies but what to do, what to do?

 

I believe that knowledge is half the battle. You may not feel it now, but the next time you date anyone you will be clued into these things. You'll look at them and wonder, "What cues can I draw from him that he has more baggage than I need?" I didnt trust myself to do this after my self-realization (which it sounds like you've had) but my brain did the work for me, it was like I was on auto-pilot.

 

What has also helped me is joining a support group for other co-dependent people. In my case I joined ACOA...Adult Children of Alcoholics. They understand that our upbringing has made us be codependent and that sometimes it feels like an indictment. But on the days where it seems so scary and you feel like you have no direction, they provide support like no one else can.

 

Feel free to keep posting on here. I am no guru on the subject matter but just another person who is going through it myself.