Considering Seaparting/Divorce After Affair

[goodman2009]

My wife, and best friend, of 15 years recently told me she had an affair. After 5 years of being with our little ones as a stay-at-home mom, she re-entered the workforce. On her first business trip, a two-week training stint in So.Cal., she had an affair with a co-worker. Upon returning and facing me and the little ones, her guilt was too severe and she fessed up. I was/am devastated, but I was also a little relieved. First, I knew in my heart she had done it without her ever saying a word. Second, it ended a run of very out-of-character behavior she had been on for seeveral months (binge-drinking, going out with girlfriends to bars or just escpaing way to often, etc.). She also has struggled with clinical depression and had been taking anti-depressants after some close family members passed away years back. All in all, we've gone through a lot together and I think the pressure of life was getting too hard for her. I am a very forgiving person, and initially thought I had this under control, but as I have moved through the different stages of grief, I am finding it harder and harder to consider staying with her. We have been open, honest and compassionate during this tough time. It's obvious we both want to stay together. She chalks it up to a lapse of judgment. She claims after many years of being a mom, she found herself in a little fantasy world. She says it was more of an emotional affair and they exchanged some very powerful words (e.g. I love you, I can't live without you, etc.). But she now claims those were merely a result of the initial infatuation. He lives on the other side of the country and is also married and a father of two (what a guy). I asked her if she wanted to be with him and what I got were a lot of logistical reasons (e.g. no, it would be impossible he's married, etc.).My wife and I have been an extraordinary couple. People have always held us to the gold standard. We're fun, dynamic and have always been the best of friends. And in there, lies my issue. While we've suffered some ups and downs, like any long-term marriage, an affair seemed absolutely improbable to both us due to our core friendship. I might have been able to understand this had this been a one-night stand with some hot guy after a bunch of drinks, but this was with, by her own words, "... a very humble, normal guy who made her laugh and feel good about herself." I am not naive, and I am not perfect. I have my issues. But my wife has been the center of my world. I have never taken her for granted, or showed her a lack of attention/praise. We are still relatively young, attractive and remain good friends. We have three great young kids. I am just struggling with whether or not a separation would help. She says she'll do anything to keep me, but I wonder if she wants to keep me because I am a great husband/dad/friend, but maybe not the lover she sought. By her own admission, we have a great sex life and we love each other very much. But in this act, she added an experience to her life, and in turn, took something from me that I fear I won't be able to fill (namely trust and the knowing that I was her lone soulmate). I wonder if I had the chance to see a few people, if it would help even things out and rid me of this lopsided feeling. She says she'll wait for me no matter what I decide. Understand, I don't just want to go out and get a piece of tail. In fact, another woman is the last thing I want in my life. I think I'm just toying with the idea to makeself feel better. Moreover, I am a romantic. If I open that door, I fear I might fall in love with someone else. So I guess I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Can anyone help clear my head or offer some advice. I'd like to hear a woman's perspective, but also a man. The women I talk to tend to bastardize the men who have cheated on them as pigs just in it for the sex--which is generally the reason why men cheat. But I don't often hear from men, maybe because we are too prideful. It seems women do cheat for emotional intimacy reasons. My wife, at 35, seems to be going through a mid-life crisis. She is extemely attractive, but over the last few months I saw her, and her peers, struggling with the "Desparate Housewife" syndrome. They seemed to be fighting their roles as mother's as their kids went from cute babies to demanding children. They seem to want to be on the scene again and to be appreciated or validated. Conversely, at 38, I have slipped comfortably into the role of a dad and husband. Instead of giving her flowers everyday, I'd let her sleep in and wake her with a latte. When she first told me of the affair, she said we suffered from a lack of intimacy. Our sex life was too "wham, bam, thank you, mam". Not enough snuggling and cuddling. She realized this was her fault as well as mine as well as a circumstance of the life we had built (three kids compresses cuddle time). I always accepted this, but she obviously hadn't and used this first trip away from mommyhood as an escape from reality. Now that she's back, like most cheaters, she fully understands how much she put at risk--her entire life. And she desparately wants it back. I'm just not so sure I can do that. What a great Christmas present! I know the answer lies within me, not a stranger's words. But it helps to talk and hear from others who have wrestled with the same issues. Many thanks!

[PWSX3]

First two wrongs do NOT make a right, period!!!!!!

 

Trust & respect can be rebuilt but it will take work & you will need to see a counselor & I would suggest a Christian counselor if you are religious at all....

 

I also had an affair over 19 years ago and you can't explain why you do it (it is like a drug), the other person just says what you want to hear, there are things missing at home that the other person fills & most of the time it is just words. Just like you said; you took your marriage for gradate & that is how it starts.

 

You are both to blame because a marriage takes two....We get wrapped up in our daily life & we forget who are spouse is or what they need.

I would also like to suggest reading; his needs her needs, & The five love languages, I'm pretty sure you will start saying; wow they are talking about us...

 

This is something that won't be fixed overnight, it will take time & effort on both your parts, so you have to decide if you want to put in the work & then if so start doing something about it, start with good counseling. Something I also have learned is not all counselors are the same so if you feel one isn't working that well then try another. Me & the W went to one for 5 years off & on & now I go to a different one that in 3 months I have learned more then I ever did in the 5 years with the other.

 

As for your feelings I do believe they are also normal & hopefully a counselor could help with that as well. Sure you are going to feel angry, hurt, pissed, & want revenge......

 

Good luck

[lkjh]

Im sorry but you are going to get a bunch of women trying to put this on you. They are going to say she has been through a lot so you should take her back. They are going to say you should have been there for her in the first place. That is all bull. You did the best you could and she chose to spread her legs for a another man. If she was going through hard times she should have dealt with it like everyone else does. Having a bad time does not give one permission to betray their family. Also ask yourself, if this guy was close to home would the A still be going on?

[lkjh]

I disagree, you are not to blame. Yes she has needs but if one of her needs are not met that does not mean she can have an affair. It is not his fault she had an affair.

[freedom2007]

First, you are no way responsible for her actions. How evil of her to even try to point the blame your way. Second, if she has done it once she will do it again. Especially once she sees how easy it was.

 

Start preparing for the worst. She is searching the internet just like you are. She will find that since she was a stay at home mom in a long marriage she is entitled to many years (maybe permanent) alimony. Be thankful she is working or it would be a lot worse.....

 

Most men that have been through this will tell you they heard the exact same things from their exwives right before the floor was taken out from under them. While you are thinking about forgiving and moving on. I bet she is reading up on divorce,alimony and child support.

 

So right now I bet you are thinking "not my wife". All I can say is, post back in a year.

 

Also, lets say you do forgive her. How are you going to feel the next time she goes away? I bet you will not get much sleep those nights. Well prepare for that for the rest of your marriage, cause that feeling will never go away. She broke the trust, she screwed another man and if he emails her (and I bet they are still in contact even now) and says lets meet or if he divorces she will drop you for her "fantasy world" in a second.

 

Sorry, if you think I am lying or bitter just google alimony, child support, divorce and start learning from other men who have been through the same thing.

 

This NEVER turns out good...... I feel for you, but it is time to wake up and prepare for the worst.

[PinkOrchid]

I think each situation is different, and each outcome is different. There seem to be a lot of bitter men on this board who think women are just evil, when, in reality, we are human just like everyone else.

 

Your wife's affair is not your fault. It was her decision to go through with it. But there are reasons for the affair - lack of intimacy, lack of feeling appreciated at home. But instead of talking to you about these issues, she sought out fulfillment elsewhere. Where your wife is unique is in her honesty with you. Because of her honesty, you may be able to save your marriage if you want to. Not many people willingly fess up to an affair.

 

You should also not feel awful about the guy just being an average, nice guy. I doubt she was looking for a replacement husband, but rather just seeking attention and intimacy. For women, it is really not necessary that the "other man" is hot, young, etc. The guy I'm having an affair with is not at all hot, not accomplished, and not someone I would ever consider spending my life with. He is simply a really nice guy who gives me positive attention.

 

I also disagree with freedom2007 that your wife will definitely will do it again. Of course, she MAY do it again, but I just don't buy the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line. I have had a few long-term relationships, and never thought about cheating on anyone. Right now, I am in the midst of an affair after being married 6 years. My circumstances are not that of a normal marriage (no excuse, I know) because my husband is unwilling to fulfill any of my needs (emotional or physical). I know what I am doing is not right, but if I were involved in a more normal marriage I would never never cheat. So, there is a possibility that if you can restore your sex life and passion for one another, she won't do it again in my opinion.

 

But if you can't forgive her, and you keep bringing up the feeling of betrayal and making scenes about it, then she is likely to pull away from you....and then your marriage is likely to fail.

 

If you decide to stay with your wife, she should probably stop going on business trips and she should never have contact with the OM again.

[Steve L]

Mine admitted it. It crushed every ounce of life I had in my body. I wanted to die for mos. Married 17 yrs, 2 kids, House, great life,And a boyfriend. My buddy had been with my wife 20-30 times over a period of a month or so. We tried to hold it together. In the end it was insurmountable. Resources on the internet will tell you otherwise and other cheaters will tell you "just get therapy" and "you can get over it" Well thats a bunch of garbage. Check every board, statistic, and piece of information that you can on the internet. Those that are not trying to sell you a book, a series of DVD's or some Christian rhetoric all agree. Cheat and a marriage is toast. Sorry man, take it from a guy thats 18 mos. into this. There isnt a day that a perpetual loop of a porn flick of him scr#wing my wife doesnt run through my head. Get your affairs in order as I did. Diminish bank accounts over a period of 4-6 mos., you will need it. Start counseling early with an Atty and get it over with.

[MarlinaGrace]

Goodman2009

 

I'm reading your story and feel like I'm reading about my own life. I just found out on 12/23 that my husband cheated on me while working out of town. I am totally devastated. Our relationship sounds similar to yours. We have been together 19 years and have two children. I didn't thing we were having problems. He has always been my best friend, our sex life was very good. He says he is sorry and that he will do whatever it takes to work it out. I truly want to work it out but don't know if I am capable of letting it go. How can our relationship ever be the same again. I am not a jelous person and trusted him 100 percent. This has changed who I am and how I feel about him. I guess I just need to give it some time and see how I feel in a month or so. I've told him and myself that after a few months if I am still feeling this way I just don't thing our relationship is going to survive.

 

So, I guess my advice to you is give it some time and see how your feel.

[Gunny376]

Get marriage couseling, your best chance at "true love and happiness" is with the woman you initially married and had children with. You seriously don't want to get into the "step-family" and "half-family" business.

 

We learn a lot of things in elementary, middle and high school, Even more in college and graduate school. But something we don't learn is what we need to know about most? Personal finance and inter-personal relationships.

 

Your being way too hard on your wife, but what is more? Your being way to hard on yourself.

 

I realize you've been hurt, even feeling gutted, but there is a way back to an even deeper, stronger love and relationship. The DW seems repentent, and sincire.

 

You owe it to yourself, your wife, your marriage, your children, your family to give it 110%.

[PWSX3]

Goodman2009

 

I'm reading your story and feel like I'm reading about my own life. I just found out on 12/23 that my husband cheated on me while working out of town. I am totally devastated. Our relationship sounds similar to yours. We have been together 19 years and have two children. I didn't thing we were having problems. He has always been my best friend, our sex life was very good. He says he is sorry and that he will do whatever it takes to work it out. I truly want to work it out but don't know if I am capable of letting it go. How can our relationship ever be the same again. I am not a jelous person and trusted him 100 percent. This has changed who I am and how I feel about him. I guess I just need to give it some time and see how I feel in a month or so. I've told him and myself that after a few months if I am still feeling this way I just don't thing our relationship is going to survive.

 

So, I guess my advice to you is give it some time and see how your feel.

I hope you start your own thread soon so I don't have to high jack this one but I wanted to share a couple things I have learned.

 

1) If he is really sorry then watch his actions...If he is really sorry then he should be looking into counseling for the two of you, he should be looking for help such as classes, seminars, etc to work things out.

 

I know you need time to digest all this, but you also need to be talking about it, trying to figure out why he had the affair. Most of the time an affair is the reaction to other problems in the marriage, or in my case my childhood......

 

If or when you go to counseling it isn't just a couple of times, it will take months so don't think things will be better in a couple of months.

 

Trust is also a big factor, but they say it can be built back up....

 

Then it takes both of you 110% to work on the relationship, if one is doing there part & the other isn't then I feel it won't work.