torn between an old lover and my fiance

[Mari]

This is a very strange story, so bear with me.

 

I have only loved two people in my life, in an intimate way. One was a childhood friend who I later fell in love with in college, who is a woman, and the other is my present fiance.

 

When I first got into college, I planned to live with Eva, a girl I'd known throughout middle and high school and who was my best friend. that fell through because I didn't get the scholarship I needed, so I stayed at home with my parents. We fought a lot and I ended up moving out anyway and getting a bartending job to support myself. I moved in with Eva and we had an intimate relationship of sorts, but we never really defined what we had. We cuddled together, kissed, petted, but never did anything really kinky. I was kind of embarrassed and I didn't want anyone to know I was bisexual, so we kept it secret. She dated other men, as did I, but we remained devoted to each other, and we said we loved each other.

 

She started doing a lot of drugs and ended up sleeping with a guy I was dating while I was away for the weekend. I had left because I didn't know if I still wanted to be with that guy andI wanted to sort things out in my head, but I was so angry and hurt, I broke up with her and him and moved out. I ended all contact, but she sends me emails ad calls me occassionally. She has apologized many times over and I have told her that I don't think I can trust her again, but she still persues me. She has lately gotten married, but still writes to me and says she still loves me.

 

I am engaged now. i deeply love my fiance, he is my soulmate. But after being in therapy for an anxiety disorder, my therapist suggested I get closure from my old relationship so i can move on with my life. I still feel intensely attracted to Eva. I don't know. I love my boyfriend, I love her. I'm torn. Should I stop meeting with her?

[Thomas]

Don't you think finding out your dear high-on-drugs friend slept with a guy you were dating is closure enough?

 

You may be bi-sexual and your attraction to Eva may be based on your insecurity about finding another female companion. You also state your are deeply in love with your fiance.

 

Since I am not bi-sexual, I cannot totally identify with your plight but I do know it is possible to be attracted to and in love with more than one person at a time. It happens quite often.

 

When you get engaged, this is a time when you make a commitment to give your love and attention to one person exclusively in anticipation of married life together. If you feel you are not able to do that at this time, break the engagement and seek new people in your life. If you want to keep your commitment to your fiance, write Eva off. She cannot even be trusted as a friend. Her fervor in seeking your friendship again has a great guilt element to it.

 

Eva is truly a dead end, no matter how much you are attracted to her. Each time you think of her, imagine her on drugs having sex with your old boyfriend and you will get over her VERY quickly.