We both fell in love even though she is married

[tommyboy]

We have worked together for almost 8 years. She has been married for 10 years, has 2 children, and she and I began talking about her marriage issues 4 1/2 years ago.

 

Our involvement began 4 1/2 years ago as she and I were forced to share an office together. I knew she was married and was not attracted to her. A friendship ensued and together discussed her marriage issues, as she was quite dissatisfied and unhappy. I tried giving her ideas on how to throw romance back into their relationship, only with her denying anything could be done to make things better.

 

She explained her childhood background as disruptive with her personal bouts of weight loss issues that last years and her father blamed the kids for their mother leaving, and warned them to be on their best behavior so she wont leave again for another 9 months.

 

He was a heavy drinker and treated her with little to no respect, putting her as 2nd, 3rd, 4th fiddle to his wishes and pawed her when drunk to initiate sex. Communication was minimal it was more of a dictatorship from what she had advised. He said they did. Her personal disposition of being a non confrontational woman she couldn't say anything to her husband about the lack of substance in their relationship.

 

After some time we began to initiate an intimate relationship without engaging in sexual intercourse. We both began to depend on each other and she called me often from her home. She was quite open and honest with me telling me many things even though she is considered quite reserved. I was feeling quite guilty after the intimacies and cautioned her against calling me while he was just upstairs sleeping.

 

As more time passed, roughly 1 1/2 years, I admitted my love for her as I couldn't hide it any more and could see the same in her eyes. This was something we both agreed not to do at the beginning. Our friendship blossomed even more. She had brought her kids around me on occasions when he was out of town, and brings your child to work days. She loved the way I with her kids and others, and we both expressed our desire to eventually have at least one child together one day.

 

Over the last year and half there was a distance that she started to put between us as I had been a bit over inquisitive with when she would be telling him she couldn't be with him any more. In March of 2003, she came into my office to tell me she couldn't leave him. I broke down but sensed it would happen. I then gave her space telling her the same. She began to carry on as if nothing was the matter and that she was going to be moving with him to a big home. She talked of it often in front of others knowing it would bother me. I held my ground in not saying anything and she eventually came to me to tell me that she couldn't take it anymore with him. She couldn't stay and was going to tell him.

 

Subsequently, she told him that she was unhappy and he didn't do as she thought and say he wanted to leave. She then back peddled with lying to me about moving when she actually did. I told her she crushed me and that I didn't know her. She then told her husband about me in the sense that I was a good friend to her and better than he had ever been. From this point on she began to initiate contact with divorce attorneys and told him the same. He said that he was taking the kids back to the mid west and she should go as well. Although, she loves her children more than anything she declined and told me that she would need to get used to the separation from her kids eventually.

 

During the 2 weeks he was gone we engaged in sexual intercourse and spent the entire time together. It was like heaven. She was looking at apartments and continuing conversations with her attorney on her strategy with the divorce. This was the only reason after 4 1/2 years I decided to have sex with her as I thought she was actually moving. Well, she never did move and lied a bit more about doing so. Mind you the conversations we had were quite serious about our intensions and wishes about being together. We both agreed we were "the one", we could see forever in each other's eyes and had a desire to grow old together.

 

During this time, her husband was throwing everything from guilt, love letters, engaging her parents to side with him, which they did, and many emails and phone calls while she was gone. He stopped drinking months back and started doing everything he never did before for her and the kids. He seemed to change his spots overnight.

 

She kept professing her desire to move from home and still to this day has her wedding ring off, but never made the move out of the home to the apartment as she told me for the third time. Instead she came to me to say she needed to say goodbye. I told her I agree and that we need to let each other go.

 

Unfortunately, I love her so much that it is quite hard to believe that this is happening. I know in my heart she is in love with me, however, we both now are ignoring each other. Only "hi" and "bye" for now. She is making it obvious with new pictures she has on her desk and the phone calls to her spouse and vise versa that she is trying to make things work. Although, this hurts I am doing my best to respect her wishes and complete my circle of love for her by trying let go.

 

I wonder if anyone can relate and maybe tell me what to expect or what how I should posture my behavior around her. Please give me your advice or comments.

 

Thank you.

Severely Lost & Lonely.

[moimeme]

Unfortunately, I think what you can expect is more of the same. It sounds as though she is unable or unwilling to make a decision. For your own sanity, it's time to issue an ultimatum.

[tommyboy]

We haven't been talking for 2 weeks and unfortunately I think that saying goodbye to each other might insinuate that ultimatum.

 

It is just so hard to believe anything is over or ever would be over. I never expected that we wouldn't be togther from the way we both have talked and carried on.

 

She is carrying on as if she is back in love with him all of sudden even though she admitted she didn't ever think she was in love with him.

 

Still confused.

[Clancy]

It really looks like you should consider taking a new job and getting away from her. I know you're in love but man, you're going to make yourself ill with this woman. You came here looking for people to share in your story and offer help but really the only thing I can say is leave, get away. Sorry.

[rulumni]

tommyboy,

 

I am always so sorry to see this going on, and had convinced myself that only married men did this to us heartbroken women. I am so glad to see your post, not because you have had to endure this kind of pain, but because it proves to me that it could happen to everyone, even a man.

 

You sound like you have so much to offer and so much caring and tenderness to give, it is a shame that things have happened the way you have said. Even though you are a man, your story almost totally mirrors mine...same situation...working together to friendship to intimate sharing to sex to commitment and then - a massive 180, leaving the other person (you and myself) heartbroken with so many pieces to pick up, alone. Then, they come back over and over and over again only to get your heart back in to the situation, ripe for another breaking.

 

I do not know what your work situation is, if it is feasible for you to consider leaving your job and going someplace else. That was the advice given to me and strangely enough, when my alarm clock went off this morning (I use the radio, not buzzer), John Tesh was giving statistics about marriage and about affairs and said that if the affair has occured in the workplace, to leave the workplace.

 

HOWEVER, in my situation, that is not exactly feasible. In my case, I have established a position of leadership for myself and have finally found a workplace where I have been able to accumulate years of service. I enjoy my job and all of my friends and feel it isn't fair that *I* should have to leave. He started it. The reason I say that is because I found out that he had been digging around, asking questions about me and my married life months before we established any sort of connection. That information comes straight from the people he asked (not because they know about us, but just in general conversation).

 

In your case, are you still sharing a workspace? Would it be even remotely possible for you to re-locate within the company, if only physically? At least my "affair" (I wish I could say my "ex", but someday...) has moved down the hall and I don't have to always hear him talking and carrying on. That would have to be so difficult to do.

 

Just keep talking to folks here, that's the best advice I can give you. So many of us have endured this exact thing and in my case, still enduring it, trying to move on. It is so hard to do and so difficult to deal with the rejection, especially after the promise of commitment, not only once, but multiple times.

 

Should you ever want to talk, I will listen, unfortunately, with an experienced ear.

 

Take care of yourself and stay STRONG!

[tommyboy]

rulumni your reply was GREATLY appreciated and yes I need to talk to someone about this here as well as elsewhere. I would greatly appreciate your ear in aiding me through things. Maybe quite possibly we can learn from each other?

 

I have been praying constantly, especially in the middle of the night when I awake from sleeping. I haven't had a well-rested night in 2 weeks. My very dreams mirror the waking issues I have with her, whether she is in the dreams or not.

 

All my thoughts keep coming back to her. My dreams have been shattered as well as my very insides consumed like Ms Pacman eats dots. I seem to relate everything to her and used to talk to her in my head when she wasn't around. I had developed a heightened sense of awareness/perception of her from not being around her to touch or see, and quite frankly almost know at times what she is up to without her saying. I believe we are/were connected on my levels. I don't try to focus on her it is occurring by default it seems. I am trying to move on in my thoughts and actions but keep coming up stuck at times.

 

I have been looking up on the internet disorders that might help explain to me her confusing behavior. I can't seem to put my finger on it. I just can't fathom that I was this wrong about her, her intensions of leaving, her love for me and so forth. One of the last things she said to me was, "so long as I have you and my 2 kids with me I will be happy." "Did you hear that? I put you before my kids." She has also said that she trusted me with her life and her children's lives, and has ranked me as high as her children are in her mind.

 

So rulumni, I am not sure where you are located but would appreciate your response and maybe a way in which I might contact you if you want.

 

Let me know. Thanks again. =)