Stepping into Minefield? Overly Cautious?

[Practical1]

Hi,

 

I'm new here and find myself in a slight predicament of manners.

 

I just finished a semester teaching part-time at a university, and one of my former students - who has since been informally communicating with me via Facebook - is more or less flirting with me and asking me out.

 

My concerns about this are two-fold:

 

1. The student is 18, and I am 30. While I'm flattered (and while I won't be teaching at the school anymore by choice), the age difference is a concern.

 

2. In my previous experience as an instructor elsewhere, I have been electronically harassed, stalked, and publicly defamed by a previous former student around the same age who was quite obsessed with me (and who I certainly never dated). The short version is that I'm a rather private/shy person, and I ended up in therapy for 2 years. While I haven't experienced anything near those extremes from the current person - who happened to be a good student with a winning personality - I'm always a bit wary of the possibility.

 

All that being said, I'm aware that I'll need to have a direct and honest conversation with this person that reflects both how I feel, and my concerns. However, I'm looking for feedback on whether this is a conversation I have in person, or through Facebook. (Person does not have my phone number, which I'm not making an option.) Any advice on how to handle the conversation would be welcome as well.

 

Thanks!

[Geishawhelk]

You have this discussion face-to-face.

 

You explain kindly and gently that it is both your policy (and very probably, that of any establishment you work in!) that it is against rules to date students or fellows from or in the same body of education.

It is fraught with difficulties and problems, hurdles and hindrances.

 

Secondly, you tell him that without any shadow of a doubt whatsoever, it is a reckless and ill-advised thing to date someone of such an age difference.

First of all, his emotions and hormones haven't stopped somersaulting yet, and he's still got a lot of growing up to do.

 

Thirdly, whilst it seems exciting and care-free at the moment, when he's 40 and you're 52, he's going to be at the stud-prime of his life, whilst you'll be in the thick of the menopause.

And in later life, he won't be your partner, he'll be your carer.

 

(I know. My parents are 11 years apart, and just past their 55th wedding anniversary. My mother, being the younger, at 76, is having to deal with caring for my father, who's 87, all the time. Someone should be looking after her too!)

 

That's if you ever consider seeing yourself with him at that stage. Because if you don't see it going that far - why date something that's going nowhere?

[Practical1]

Thanks for the response.

 

I guess I should clarify that I'm definitely not going to pursue anything here resembling a romantic relationship. While there are occasions where age differences don't make a difference, this one does. In this case, I believe the maturity levels are very different; and the fact that the person in question cannot legally drink and is in higher education-mode is quite different from where I am, and where I'm going to be.

 

As for a policy "(and very probably, that of any establishment you work in!) that it is against rules to date students or fellows from or in the same body of education," that may be so. However, I am no longer an employee at that institution, nor am I staying in the teaching field at this time. So really, no policies apply to me other than my own scruples.

 

But you're right when you state that "it is fraught with difficulties and problems, hurdles and hindrances." I've experienced first-hand some of these problems, and I wasn't even pursuing a romantic relationship with the student.

 

For anyone else reading along with this, I'll put my question another way...

If you were this 18-year old with an interest in your former professor, would you rather be let down through e-mail or in person?

 

It's awkward either way, sure, but which do you think has the best opportunity for open, honest, and direct communication without misunderstanding, or the loss of dignity for such a young person?

 

Thanks again!

[steveraves]

Well either way he won't like the letdown, but I think in person would be best providing you can do it in a public place. A place where it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for you both to be at.

 

If that's not possible then I'd go with an email, short and brief.