I found a video of my husband that hurts me and he doesn't know

[Isabel73]

My husband and I have been married for 6 months now and we have a wonderful relationship. I've never loved anyone the way I love him.

This is my second marriage and I am his first wife (this doesn't seem to bother him at all because I never talk about my past and I don't have any children).

 

 

When we started dating he had just broke up a "not so serious" relationship with another girl, he told me that he didn't love her. You know how you always ask "Why did you break up with her?" Well, his answer was that she was going to fast and he was not that in love with her.

 

 

When we were planning our wedding, I found out he had an idea of what was needed to get married and he told me that he and his ex had talked about getting married, It was a surprise for me because they had only dated for 8 weeks. Still, that was something I had nothing to do with, but the thought of him telling me before that he didn't love her got me a little bit confused. I got over it trying to act mature and not questioning more.

 

 

He left for a business trip yesterday. I was cleaning our closet and found a video on the very top shelf (He had told me that he had some videos he needed to edit and take out stuff he didn't want me to see) when I saw it I was curious and thought to myself "we love each other so much, there is nothing I can see that can change that".

 

I didn't think much about it and put it in the VCR. To my surprise he had filmed a romantic dinner with his ex fiance... I turned the volume up to hear what he was saying and then when the kisses began I didn't know what to do and kept watching it. It was awful for me to see and hear my husband saying the same things he says to me to another person, but most of all it was shocking for me to see that he pulled out a ring and gave it to her, with the same words and tone of voice he used and still uses on me.

 

I didn't know what to do, I just felt sick and ran to the bathroom. When I came out, she was crying and they were kissing and kissing... I just covered my eyes and cried like a little girl. It then changed the scene to where he is filming a dinner with her parents and they were talking about the wedding plans. That is when I took the video out and threw it away.

 

 

He phoned me that night and I couldn't say a word, he noticed I was sad and I didn't know what to say, I just told him that there were things we needed to talk about when he comes back. My answer was to tell him that I loved him very much and that there was something bothering me. He thinks is all his travels and he told me we would talk about it when he came back in three days.

 

I don't know what to do, the images keep haunting me. It did affect my feelings. I don't trust him the same way. I don't know if I should confront him. I sometimes think I'm exaggerating, but I can't get it out of my system. I think about it all day. I cry and cry and just wish I didn't see the tape.

 

 

Please help, should I just tell him or forget about it?

 

Isabel

[Tony T]

Disclosing that you looked at the video against his wishes for privacy will clearly show him you cannot be trusted. It surely could end things because he already put you on notice that there were things on the video he didn't want you to see. He has clearly shown himself to be pretty stupid to be so trusting and forthright. I'm sure looking back he will now wish he had secured the videos more carefully. You simply had no right to look at them. It was a sign that he DID trust you when he asked that you not view these recordings. Now I am a privacy advocate...while some on this site are of the opinion that everybody should just spill their guts about everything in their past to their current partner. Obviously, that's not a good idea but they do it anyway.

 

He had every right in the world to say and do whatever he wished with this other woman before he met you. He had a right to video record his romantic evening, to propose to her, to kiss her and to do everything else that occurred on the video. The fact that he uses the same words with you is not unusual. Most people use the same endearments towards their love interest at the time...sweetheart, honey, etc. The greater number of people have a unique romantic style that kicks in whenever they are in that mode so they often use the same words and actions toward the beloved, whoever that may be at the time. That in no way means you aren't special to him, that's just his way of expressing himself and most people don't change that from one person to another.

 

It is absolutely his business what he chose to disclose and not to disclose to you about this previous relationship. It would have sounded pretty foolish for him to have described various romantic interludes with her to you. He would have been insane for doing that. You don't know what his circumstances were and you weren't in his shoes when this happened.

 

I certainly wouldn't want a mate who went against my wishes and did something I asked her not to. Therefore you should disclose what you did and let him decide if he wants to proceed with a relationship with you. Holding people to account for everything personal in another relationship is not appropriate or fair in any way, unless there was abuse, violations of the law, or other extraordinary circumstances involved. Those are just things people don't take with them into the next relationship. If you're not flexible enough in your thinking to understand this, perhaps you are not ready for a relationship.

 

Be that as it may, I understand your pain and hurt after violating his privacy and viewing these videos. I understand how you feel. But life is that way and there are many many things that would hurt us if we knew. I personally go out of my way not to find out hurtful things. As long a somebody treats me with consideration and respect, they could have had all the romantic dinners and engagements they wanted before we met. It makes absolutely no difference. I would be very naive if I thought someone I was currently involved with hadn't screwed the brains out of ten people in the past, before she met me. On the other hand, I would think she would have no brains at all if she kept videos of the encounters on the shelf for me to get my hands on. DUH!

 

Give the man a break. If you need a counsellor to help you understand what you did to hurt yourself, please see one. Your man is not responsible except to the extent of presuming trustworthiness and keeping these videos. I think he should have thrown them away, but in his defense he probably didn't remember the complete nature of their contents.

[Isabel73]

Thank you for your message Tony. I appreciate the time you took to help me understand my problem.

You are right in most of what you say. Unfortunately I didn't explain in that much detail the first time that would give you a better idea of some other things that come in play, like the conversations my husband and I had on the subject prior of me watching the video.

 

The pain I felt was because we had discussed the subject of this girl calling him in several occasions even after we got married (she didn't know we were married and he wouldn't tell her, he wouldn't answer her phone calls and let her know about us, because he told me that he didn't want to hurt her feelings <which I think doesn't make sense but I respect his desisions>) I asked him to answer the phone and explain to her why he didn't want her to call him. He then made it clear to me that nothing serious had happened between them and that he never felt anything for her, that she was just an affair. I don't see the reason of him lying about it, I hate lying.

 

 

That also makes me very sad because I was not honest with him when I watched the video, I don't think I did it consciously to hurt myself or to hurt our relationship, I was just curious and have spent a lot of time alone at home, and I do regret doing something that he wouldn't like me to do because I love him more than anything.

 

 

We also talked about the videos, I told him that they made me uncomfortable. I asked why he wanted to keep them, he said that he had some other things in the tapes that he didn't want to get rid off, I told him that I wished he could take them to his office before I accidentally saw them because we were putting our new videos on the top shelf of the closet as well. Then he said "you would be very stupid if you saw them intentionally, its my past" I knew he was right and I ended the conversation with a kiss and we went to bed although I was a little bit concerned about the contents of the videos.

 

I felt he had lied to me because when he proposed to me he said "I have never done this in my life, and you are the one I was waiting for". Why say things that besides of not being true, are not necessary. I just felt that he lied to me, that maybe he lied to make me happy or to protect me.

But, when is it allowed to lie? and, If he wants to protect me so much, why not take the video out of our home?

 

I love him with all my heart and I would do anything for him, our home is sacred and I am very open with him about everything. But I've decided not to tell him anything about it this time , I will no tell him I saw the video, my job is to keep the stability in our home, and I will do just that.

I don't think he will ever look for it and I will forget about the whole thing.

 

I am going to cry before he gets back if I have to, or until I get this out of me and then, I've decided to wait for him to come back from his trip with a very clean house, a nice dress and a fancy dinner. I will try to get this out of my system and love him and accept him with his flaws since we all have many, I will focus on our future, on building our family. I can't do anything about his past, but our future is in my hands.

 

He is a wonderful man and I should have never violated his privacy and I will never do it again. I am not in favor of keeping secrets from your spouse, or telling any "merciful" lies, but I am in favor of loving unconditionally and forever.

 

Thanks again for your message. I hope I'm doing the right thing by not confronting him with the issue.

 

Isabel

[Reckless]

When is it legitimate privacy and when are you being 'secretive'? I don't know the 'legal' answer to that but it seems to me that privacy is when you keep secret something you have a RIGHT to keep to yourself.

 

Your husband had every right to keep that video and certain aspects of it private. He may have recorded further 'intimate moments' with his ex on the same tape - such things are for no ones eyes but those concerned - ever. It was not secrecy; it's only modern technology that allows us to re-visit the past (as you can see, that is not always a good idea) the past belongs to your husband and this woman. The future is however yours. So the question is, are you making the right decision in not being totally honest with your husband on this matter? Or are YOU being secretive?

 

I think that you're husband has a right to know what upset you, not least because I think it will continue to upset you (and therefore affect him). I think you will have a hard time pretending that everything is hunky dorey. I think you will have hidden issues and resentment that will bleed under the surface until it does some damage to your new marriage. I think you will have to lie to cover over your phone call. I think that the lie and the missing tape will either come up and cause problems or you'll both continue your pretending.

 

A divorce attorney was once asked what is the single biggest reason couples split up? and he said 'The inability to talk honestly with each other, bare their souls and treat each other as their best friend.' If my best friend 'bends the truth' and it hurts me, I tell her. We have a big ol' fight, we clear the air and the love survives. If I don't understand somethings or feel that she has betrayed my confidence we talk about it. That's why she's still my best friend. So you feel your husband lied to you, he didn't disclose the depth of his previous relationship - have you discussed the depth of your previous marriage? He implied that he'd never proposed before, maybe he meant that he'd never felt this way while proposing, how do I know, but if you have a problem with it, if you'll now think back to his marriage proposal with resentment and not affection (a mistake on both counts) then talk to him, he should be your best friend.

 

Or alternatively, go ahead, put on a pretty dress, make a nice dinner, don't discuss something that made you physically sick because you'll have to admit you did something wrong. But that will put you both slowly but surely on a footing of mistrust and unspoken resentment that is the death knell of many a relationship. I'm sorry to sound harsh, I'm certain your husbands love is stronger than a moment of bad judgement on your part, but don't start with the 'Stepford Wives' approach to marriage, have yourselves some open honest communication, not just about what you saw but your respective ex's (as you said, there's probably more to that relationship than he felt comfortable telling you...) and how you feel about them now. Clear the air, then have dinner.

[Tony T]

Very good post, Reckless. You make some very good points!

[BadMan]

I think your husband was stupid for leaving the video lying around.

He had to know that would hurt you.

He's also a liar. If I found a tape like that of my wife

I wold say "get it out of the house" and if she didn't like that

I would leave.

[Bubbles]

I fully agree with badman. I am not a jealous person, but for goodness sakes! She is the woman of the house, exactly how long did he think it would take her to find those video's? What was that? Some kind of test?

 

I would be absolutly pissed if I found those tapes! A single snapshot picture of a past relationship is enough to handle never-mind watching your "now' husband propose to another woman......that would be that same as watching him have sex with her! It's an intimacy issue. Why didn't he "edit" the tapes already before you moved in?

 

This is what I would say to him "if you didn't want me to find them, then you should have removed them from the house! What else are you hiding?" I would be furious!

 

Give him hell Isabel73!!!!

 

Bubbles

[jalexy]

i dont agree with tonys response. i think a marriage is something that there is no secrets in. i think its stupid that you should have to be ashamed for watching this tape.

i think you need to get over this because its his past. just because he used the same tone of voice with that lady doesnt mean that its just a routine for him with you. i do the same, not on purpose, its just that when i have loving feelings for a person i treat them with my best, so i have given my best to a couple.

he did love that woman he was proposing to...and he loves you NOW. so let it all go girly