somewhat victorious over temptation

[mandydarling]

For about three months my boss and I have been flirting, and hugging very passionately. We have come extremely close to doing more than that, but have averted the temptation. We have also sent each other explicit photos of each other.

 

We have both agreed to remain faithful to our spouses, and have decided to stop. We are going on three weeks without improper contact, and I am pretty proud of that.

 

I have read that it takes about two weeks to get over the "addiction" of an affair. I am still dreaming about encounters, and longing to touch him. Does anyone know how long it might take to get past this? I don't want to take it futher, but i seem to still be obsessing with him.

 

Any advice?

[Bryanp]

Maybe this will help if you keep a couple of point in mind at all times:

1. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you with another female employee what you have been doing to him with your male boss?

2. How would you feel if and when your husband founds out?

3. How would you feel if your husband files for divorce and tells all of your family and friends?

4. How would you feel being divorced at this time in your life?

 

I would strongly suggest marriage counseling with your husband. It is good that you have not progressed further with your relationship with your boss. Nevertheless,you need to ask yourself why did you give yourself permission to start acting this way and putting your marriage at such risk? I wish you luck.

[mandydarling]

I honestly don't know why I allowed myself to begin acting and feeling this way. I have been married over 10 years, and have NEVER been even tempted by anything like this. I have known this man for 6 years, and all of a sudden this starts happening. the ironic part is that my relationship with my husband is the best that it has ever been -- emotionally and physically.

 

I am absolutely committed to not taking it further. I am not wanting to complain about the torture of feeling guilty and still feeling tempted, because I know that I deserve it for how selfish I have been.

[Bryanp]

I again strongly consider individual counseling. There is a reason why you made a choice to previously act this way. Something is going on with you and or your relationship with your husband or some other factor that allowed you to act in such a manner to put your marriage at risk. You need to look deep into yourself to explain the reasons for this. Again if the roles were reversed, would you accept your husband saying he didn't know why? Something is missing within you and/or your relationship with your husband that gave you permission to act this way. I again strongly suggest individual counseling to understand what is really going on with you. I wish you luck.

[atwitsend]

Find another job. Now. If you don't all your noble denial of the temptation of forbidden fruit will be for naught. If your relationship with your husband is the best it has ever been, what is your excuse (don't say you don't know. It's because you are a selfish adulterer)? If you will cheat (and don't deceive yourself you are a cheater. An emotional affair is cheating) when things are good. You are only an argument away from screwing him. You had better find another job.

 

You say your emotional and physical relationship with your husband is the best it has ever been. Ah, let me take a shot in the dark on this one. The emotional is the best because you are guilty for cheating on him, so your real nice to him and naturally he returns it (but you know the truth). And the reason the physical is the best it has been is that you are fantasizing that your boss is on top of you and not your husband. All the while your husband is making love to his chaste and loving wife (don't lie to yourself). I pity your husband.

[atwitsend]

I hope I wasn't to harsh in that last post (I don't think so). But I wanted to say one more thing. You know how you say your still obsessing about your boss. I may have a suggestion. Bring lots of pictures to work of your loving (naive) husband. This way when you run off to the ladies room with your camera phone to take more gynaecological pictures for your boss, when you get back to your desk, your husbands loving smiling face will be there to greet you and you may not send them after all.

[Saville]

If you don't all your noble denial of the temptation of forbidden fruit will be for naught. If your relationship with your husband is the best it has ever been, what is your excuse (don't say you don't know. It's because you are a selfish adulterer)? If you will cheat (and don't deceive yourself you are a cheater. An emotional affair is cheating) when things are good. You are only an argument away from screwing him.

 

I believe this is true. The "forbidden" relationship has given the one at home some spark. Sometimes we just feel sexually attracted to someone who isn't our spouse, and I'm guessing that is normal. However, once you have exchanged explicit pictures, a line has been crossed, whereby physical contact is almost a given. No judgment, just an observation.

 

Saville

[whichwayisup]

I am still dreaming about encounters, and longing to touch him. Does anyone know how long it might take to get past this? I don't want to take it futher, but i seem to still be obsessing with him.

 

Well, for starters, STOP allowing yourself to fantasize about him! The thoughts of him is only preventing you from focussing on your spouse. You need to keep busy and anytime he pops into your head, push those thoughts away as it serves no purpose to think that way, especially since you're married. If you have kids, think of them too.

[Saville]

Well, for starters, STOP allowing yourself to fantasize about him! The thoughts of him is only preventing you from focussing on your spouse. You need to keep busy and anytime he pops into your head, push those thoughts away as it serves no purpose to think that way, especially since you're married.

I know what you mean, but can any of us stop fantasizing? I don't think we can. We can repress a thought, or distract ourselves for a time, but then they just come back. We are habituated in our response to things, and therefore we have to change our habits, rather than what pops into our heads. A fixation on anything is the same. We have to develop interventions that will allow us to avoid the pit-falls of these fixations, rather than trying to avoid the fixation itself. For instance, if I'm sexually attracted to someone in the office, simply telling myself to do a bit more work at my desk isn't going to stop me thinking of them, and in fact, may do the opposite. Quitting one's job would be an extreme intervention, but perhaps being moved to another department might also work. If you are to work side by side then other things will have to be tried. You could act coldly toward him until he became disinterested because of the lack of reciprocity. A difficult task to be sure, but definitely not insurmountable. You might also tell your husband there is sexual tension between you and another person, and what might he suggest you do. I'm not saying you should, only that it is another intervention that you might consider.

 

Saville

[Dexter Morgan]

For about three months my boss and I have been flirting, and hugging very passionately. We have come extremely close to doing more than that, but have averted the temptation. We have also sent each other explicit photos of each other.

 

so this resistence to temptation came in WHERE exactly??

 

 

We have both agreed to remain faithful to our spouses

 

 

Sorry, if you did all that you said and exchange explicit photos, then you have already been unfaithful to your spouses.

 

and if you think I'm wrong, then you wouldn't have any problem showing your spouses the photos you share, right? Afterall, you didn't do anything wrong, eh?

 

 

I have read that it takes about two weeks to get over the "addiction" of an affair. I am still dreaming about encounters, and longing to touch him. Does anyone know how long it might take to get past this? I don't want to take it futher, but i seem to still be obsessing with him.

 

Any advice?

 

Yes, tell your husband. that might push things in high gear to get over the other married cheater.

 

Sometimes people just need the ever loving hell scared out of them be it the threat of divorce or whatever.

[Dexter Morgan]

Find another job.

 

Absolutely. she needs to start looking for another job. No excuses. Even though her husband is being kept in the dark about what she did, if she loved her husband and respected him, then she'd start the job hunt right away.

 

If not, then I guess she doesn't love and respect him as much as she'd like to believe.

[atwitsend]

"the ironic part is that my relationship with my husband is the best that it has ever been -- emotionally and physically."

 

You say your emotional and physical relationship with your husband is the best it has ever been. Ah, let me take a shot in the dark on this one. The emotional is the best because you are guilty for cheating on him, so your real nice to him and naturally he returns it (but you know the truth). And the reason the physical is the best it has been is that you are fantasizing that your boss is on top of you and not your husband. All the while your husband is making love to his chaste and loving wife (don't lie to yourself). I pity your husband.

 

This part bares repeating. Don't ever actually think that you have anything to do with the "relationship" being the best its ever been. You are in a fog if you do. When ever you think that you in any way deserve any credit for anything good in your marriage since you showed your boss your goods. Just ask you husband for his opinion after you show him the pictures. Then tell him who you've been fantasizing about while he's inside you. I am sure he would say that "oh yeah, our relationship is the best its ever been"

[lkjh]

you are already cheating! If you want to stop this before it goes any farther quit your job and confess to your H. Otherwise just leave your H.

[Holding-On]

I honestly don't know why I allowed myself to begin acting and feeling this way. I have been married over 10 years, and have NEVER been even tempted by anything like this. I have known this man for 6 years, and all of a sudden this starts happening. the ironic part is that my relationship with my husband is the best that it has ever been -- emotionally and physically.

 

 

 

 

First Congratulations for stopping and trying to dig yourself out. That IS positive no matter the naysayers.

 

Second you are human. I'm agnostic but Jesus himself forgave adulterers and would not cast the first stone.

 

third for a theory as to why you are suddenly experiencing temptation:

If you are closing in on 35-40 (guess based on 10 years marriage) you may be experiencing a strong surge in libido that is pretty common in women. So that may have a lot to do with why you find your husband and other men much more attractive now when it was never an issue before. Welcome to temptation. Fun isn't it?

[whichwayisup]

I know what you mean, but can any of us stop fantasizing? I don't think we can.

 

Yes you can. When the thought comes into her head, she can tell herself that what she is doing isn't fair to her husband. She CAN push the fantasizes away and not allow herself to daydream about the MM. AND she can tell herself that is it WRONG because he's not only married, but HER boss. It's inappropriate. And, she can put herself in her husband's shoes and imagine how SHE would feel if the situation was reversed and it was her husband who had the flirting, sending naked photo's to his married boss. I'm sure she would be hurt, jealous and angry, mistrustful of her husband.

 

They both need to stop doing this not only because of their spouses, but their work reputations. People LOVE to gossip and this kind of stuff ruins people's careers sometimes, let alone their reputation.

[carhill]

Does anyone know how long it might take to get past this? I don't want to take it futher, but i seem to still be obsessing with him.

 

Any advice?

 

Longer than two weeks, from reading between the lines of your posting. The posters who mentioned a job change to prioritize your marriage have a good point. NC, full disclosure to your spouse and willingness to work through the issues can save your marriage. Your spouse will find out. Not today or tomorrow perhaps but he will. The key is you won't be in control of that process unless you proactively disclose.

 

Men are sometimes derided for being "clueless" but we have more intuition than we are often given credit for.

 

You learned an important life lesson. You have a chance to make some healthy choices now. Look within yourself and do what you know is right.

[anne1707]

For about three months my boss and I have been flirting, and hugging very passionately. We have come extremely close to doing more than that, but have averted the temptation.

 

Sorry Mandy but you are not been honest here. To quote from your other thread:

 

I have been flirting, hugging, rubbing and having oral sex with a man at work.

 

This is an affair. It is a very dangerous game and will end in a mess unless you stop now. As a wise Owl told me, when you start having thoughts etc about your OM, STOP IT. You can end this and work on making your marriage a success. Start looking for another job now. You cannot carry on working with this man and have a successful marriage.

 

You need to be honest with yourself about what has happened and start addressing what changes need to be made in your marriage. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you both need to work on things - MC could be an option.

[atwitsend]

Wow! Mandy, so you've done oral with the boss about ten times? It was less then 30 days since you posted that. Just think another 30 days from now you'll be able to say you just held hands. Just for the record having sex is when any part of him (finger, penis, cigar, foreign object of any kind) enters any part of you. You can't even be straight with yourself. Tell me a little about your husband. Is he your best friend? Does he care for you when you are sick? Hold you when you cry? When everything in your world sucks (including you), is he the one you run to? Hey, those days when you sucked your bosses cock, when your husband greeted you that evening with a passionate kiss, did you kind of giggle to yourself and think "if you only knew you were sucking my bosses cock by proxy"? Wow, how could any man hope for more in a wife then you?

[mandydarling]

you are correct that i lied, but not about which thread. The first one was a lie because i was thinking of taking it further, and had reasoned in my head that it would not be sex if it was oral. I was trying to put the situation out there like it had already happened, to see how people reacted.

 

I was not trusting my judgement, since I felt like I was in a fog and not judging things well. The description at the beginning of this post is actually what has happened thus far.

 

The good news is that all the outrage from the first post helped me not take the relationship that far. I apologize if I offended anyone with the first post, but I am not sorry for writing it since it kept me from taking things even further.

[atwitsend]

Mandy you didn't comment about your marriage being the best its ever been (emotionally). Could you comment on whether its because you feel guilty and that's why you're so sweet to your husband. Oh and how your physical relationship is better because you fantasize about your boss screwing you while your husband is on top of you? You didn't mention the explicit photographs in the first post. So you did end up taking it further since your first post.

[Bryanp]

You need to sit down and talk with your husband and seek marriage counseling. You would not want your husband to be emotionally involved with another woman like you are with your boss and sexually fantasing about her would you? You need to work on your marriage and imagine all you stand to lose. I wish you luck.

[Walk]

I don't think it's possible to quit an affair without removing the guy from your life completely. I had an affair on my exH and I wasn't able to stop it. It really does have an addiction type quality to it. No matter how much you want to 'quit', the need for it seems to pull you back in. I kind of see it like being addicted to nicotine. You know it's bad, you know it's killing you, but every single thought is consumed with it. The endorphine rush, the "high" that comes with an affair is so powerful that living without it is kind of like walking through a hazy room. Colors are brighter with the other guy, things seems to sparkle more. Without it... its dull, gray, less enjoyable.

 

Does that sound like what you're experiencing?

 

Your heart seems in the right place. You want to do what's right and not take this any farther then it's already gone. But give yourself the best chance. Make sure that this guy is as far away from your life as possible. On that one day where everything feels like it's falling apart and you can't bare it anymore, you're going to want to run back to the other man. Make sure you set up safe guards for yourself so it won't be possible. You need to give yourself the best chance to succeed at this. Don't sabatoge your chances because you underestimate how strong the pull is.

 

Your situation right now is kind of like asking a 2 pack a day smoker to stop cold turkey and then sticking a pack of his favorite cigarette's 10 feet away from him. It's setting a person up for failure. You'd have to have amazing will power to pull that off. And even if you do have that kind of will power... why would you intentionally mkae it that hard anyway? Why not give yourself a fair and fighting chance to get over the other guy as easily as possible?

 

Just saying... right now, give yourself a fair fight and either take an extended abscence from work, find another job, or ask for a transfer to a new boss or location. Make doing the right thing as easy as possible for yourself to give yourself the best chance to succeed.

[atwitsend]

Walk, he's her boss. They text pictures of each others genitals from the bathrooms. She has to find another job or its only a matter of time till they take that long lunch break. Right now she is putting icing on a crap cake. She was going down on him (she says she was only lying to the board to see if they would say that it wasn't sex. Yeah right)? Man I think of her poor husband thinking that he has the best wife in the world, who loves him so much. And every time they make love she closes her eyes and imagines her boss putting it to her. How long till she calls her husband her bosses name?

[Lizzie60]

I honestly don't know why I allowed myself to begin acting and feeling this way. I have been married over 10 years, and have NEVER been even tempted by anything like this. I have known this man for 6 years, and all of a sudden this starts happening. the ironic part is that my relationship with my husband is the best that it has ever been -- emotionally and physically.

 

I am absolutely committed to not taking it further. I am not wanting to complain about the torture of feeling guilty and still feeling tempted, because I know that I deserve it for how selfish I have been.

 

 

You just proved a point I've been trying to make for ages.. you've never been tempting by anything like this.. but yet.. you've done it..

 

Hugging passionately for months = cheating IMO.. doesn't always have to be 'penetration' for it to be cheating.. and also you're obsessed with this guy..

 

For people who say they will never ever ever ever cheated.. I say BULL... this can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere.. we just don't know when it will hit us right in the heart.. never say never..

[mandydarling]

I have not taken it any further since the original post. We are both committed to stopping this completely. We have stopped the emails and even cancelled our email accounts that we were using to converse. We have erased all photos and emails, and have kept our conversations professional. We purposely avoided each other at the Christmas party, and both decided not to drink so we could avoid any situation that might sneak up on us.

 

I hate to be blunt (not), but it does not matter to me if you believe that i was lying the first time. I am genuinely looking for advice and help here, and if you don't want to be helpful, then keep your vindictiveness to yourself. Obviously, you have been hurt badly and need to deal with that on your own.

 

I am ashamed of what I did, and recognize it as an affair. I really want it to stop.