somewhat victorious over temptation

[reservoirdog1]

Quit your job.

 

Or, engineer things so that your boss quits.

 

Either way, you should not be working with him anymore. He should not be in your life at all, in any way, shape or form.

 

If you're actually committed to your marriage and to doing the right thing, you owe your husband that much at least. Any less is a colossal disrespect to him. Greater, in some ways, than the cheating you've already done.

 

The real question here is whether or not you'll do what's right, and cut your OM out of your life. Frankly, I have my doubts. But hopefully you'll prove me wrong.

[atwitsend]

Hey Mandy, there is all kinds of advice given here. Advice that you want to hear and that you don't want to hear. You keep coming up with reasons that you can still be around each other. But you admittedly are obsessed with him. You think I'm to hard on you. Consider it as a good friend trying to shake some sense into you . Let me see are my goals to make you feel bad about what you've done. Yes. But more importantly they are made to make you feel bad about what you are going to do. To strip away the pretty world you made for yourself. Like why I harp on the fact that you say your marriage is the best its ever been. And yet you won't say if its better because you feel guilty about what you are doing so your extra nice to him. And seeing how you say that "YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH HIM". Are you going to sit there and tell this board that when you say in your first post

 

("I am still dreaming about encounters, and longing to touch him. Does anyone know how long it might take to get past this? I don't want to take it futher, but i seem to still be obsessing with him.")

 

That after saying this. That the reason your sex life is the best its ever been, is because of something your husband is doing different. Here is a reality check for you. When did your sex life get so wonderful with your husband? I will wager it was about 3 months ago.

 

You think I'm vindictive? lady I just want you to take the blinders off. I may be the best friend you have on this board. Because I am asking you to see the truth.

[atwitsend]

Mandy you came here for advice. But what you need more then that is to ask yourself questions. Because you're the one who is going through this. And you even know what the answers are. But you refuse to think about them.

 

Do you have any of your wedding pictures out so you can see them?

 

Have you been able to look at your wedding album since this started?

 

In the Morning, does your husband tell you how much he loves you before you go off to work and fantasize about what you and your boss would like to do to each other.

 

When you roll over at night and its just you and your thoughts, and you think about what you are doing to your husband, do you ever cry?

 

Do you think you are the type of wife your husband deserves?

 

You have not commented about whether you have children or not. If you have children. Do you ever look at them and think what they will feel about you, knowing that you have betrayed their daddy?

 

Have you considered asking your husband for an open marriage so you can see and have sex with other people?

 

You have never mentioned (after being asked several times) why won't look for another job?

 

IN THE END THINK ABOUT THIS. ALL THE TIME YOU ARE DENYING YOURSELF TO YOUR BOSS, AND HE DENIES HIMSELF TO YOU. THAT HIS AND YOUR SEXUAL TENSION IS BUILDING, AND BUILDING, AND BUILDING. HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GO WITHOUT JUST SAYING "I GIVE IN" AND FINDING A HOTEL (OR MAYBE THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR CAR) AND JUST ROCKING HIS (AND YOUR) WORLD?

 

 

 

 

 

I

[Walk]

I have not taken it any further since the original post. We are both committed to stopping this completely. We have stopped the emails and even cancelled our email accounts that we were using to converse. We have erased all photos and emails, and have kept our conversations professional. We purposely avoided each other at the Christmas party, and both decided not to drink so we could avoid any situation that might sneak up on us.

 

Sounds like you're taking the right steps.

 

Can I offer one piece of advice that really helped me... set up counseling (for just your self). I had sessions with a pastor of all people (long story) who I talked to about my affair and my life. (I'm not religious AT ALL) He was really great.. non-biased (shocked me), supportive, helpful. And what a relief! I had all these conflicting thoughts, feelings, issues going on and I had no one to discuss them with where I knew beyond a doubt that it would never be repeated. I tried talking to others, but their issues or their agendas were making things more confusing and harder to sort through.

 

I really think it helps to talk to someone who isn't jamming your mistakes down your throat and who will keep confidentiality a top most concern. It'll give you the freedom to talk through how your feeling, or what your thinking, give you a safe sounding board, allow you to feel however you need to feel without making you feel like your evil incarnate for it.

 

I found it extremely helpful. Otherwise, you end up feeling isolated, alone, afraid to reach out to others. And that will damage your friendships, your marriage, your work environment.

[atwitsend]

Mandy,

 

I just don't want to see you back here in another month saying you were caught. You may not think things could get there. No one ever does. Remember, you were never tempted at all. And yet here you stand. Have you thought of you bosses wife and kids and what you are putting them through. Maybe your husband thinks nothing is going on but your bosses wife may be a little sharper.

[atwitsend]

Tell your husband and get into MC. I hate to see marriages break-up

 

 

We all have stake in each others marriages.

[mandydarling]

Okay, so there has been a lot of responses saying to tell my spouse and go to counseling. Has anyone told their spouse? How did you do it? Did you have friends standing by to support him? Any disasterous, or victorious stories or techniques?

 

I honestly have absolutely no idea on how to start the conversation. It is not because I am scared. I have resolved that I deserve whatever reaction, no matter how bad, I get. My focus really is to make this happen with as little trauma as possible to my husband.

[Owl]

MD, there is NO "good way" to tell your spouse.

 

How do you start the conversation? Simple...I'd suggest you go with..."(insert H's name), I've got something to tell you, and this is going to be so hard to do..."

 

Set a time when you'll have plenty of time to talk with him. And plenty of privacy. (the only exception to this last part would be if you have reason to suspect he may become phyiscally abusive...in which case, you need to do this in a public setting to protect yourself)

 

Be prepared to be TOTALLY HONEST about what's gone on, and why. If you lie, minimize, dodge the question, etc... it WILL come back to bite you in the behind.

 

He WILL find out the total truth eventually. The more open and honest you are now, the less painful and difficult the whole discovery (and recovery) processes will be. Realize that...he WILL get the truth eventually, so do not try to hide anything or lie you way out...which will be your first instinct to do.

 

Also...realize that his initial response may be far different than you'd expect. He may react calmly, lovingly, caringly. That's because this revelation will take some time for him to process. He'll react one way at first...and then totally opposite the next morning. And that will just begin the rollercoaster ride for the both of you.

 

BUT...this is the most critical first step you can take. Both to end the affair and rebuild the damage you've done to your marriage.

[Bryanp]

You are doing the right thing Mandy. You may wish to write it out beforehand exactly what you want to say it. You may ask him to listen to what you have written until the end before he speaks. I wish you luck.

[atwitsend]

Mandy,

 

It could go like this. Honey I need to tell you something. But I want you to know that I love you very much before I say more. Over the past three months I have been carrying on an affair behind your back. It was mostly an emotional affair, which is bad enough. But at some points it did get physical. Hugging, Kissing, and explicit pictures sent to one another. I did not tell him I loved him. I know this is a crushing betrayal of our love and vows. And I am prepared to answer any and all questions you have for me. I know how wrong i was and am prepared to do anything I can to show you how sorry i am and how much I love you.

 

THEN KEEP YOUr F***ING MOUTH SHUT AND LISTEN TO HIM. What ever he says. Your response should be limited to "I deserve that", and answering questions. Do not lie (you can't hurt him anymore then you have) tell him the whole truth.

 

DO NOT COMPOUND THIS BY IN ANY WAY BLAMING ANYTHING ON HIM.

DO NOT USE PHRASES LIKE "IT JUST HAPPENED"

DO NOTHING BUT ACCEPT FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED

 

The only way to restore your marriage. is going through this. Its up to you.

either you do it, or this will be a cancer in your marriage. I truly hope you can work this out. Please keep us informed if there is any advice that we can give you to help you help him get through this.

 

We all have a stake in each other marriage.

[vnqsh2001]

Okay, so there has been a lot of responses saying to tell my spouse and go to counseling. Has anyone told their spouse? How did you do it? Did you have friends standing by to support him? Any disasterous, or victorious stories or techniques?

 

I honestly have absolutely no idea on how to start the conversation. It is not because I am scared. I have resolved that I deserve whatever reaction, no matter how bad, I get. My focus really is to make this happen with as little trauma as possible to my husband.

 

If you tell him, be ready for an explosion of anger. He's going to be hurt and angry without a doubt. You've already done the damage and you're doing the right thing by coming clean about it, but he's going to blow his top. There's no way around that. This sort of information is something that shakes a man to his soul.

 

What you've got to do is show serious remorse. Speaking from experience, people in this situation do feel comforted by the fact that their spouse is sorry, though that doesn't completely erase the pain and outbursts of emotion. You've got to be ready to show deep remorse for many months after you tell him; maybe even for years. Be there to console him, if he will let you. Offer hugs, kisses, and words of comfort. He may be too hurt to really accept them at first, but be ready to give when he needs it. Give him space when he asks for it. You've got to be really patient during this period of torment.

 

You're doing the right thing by telling him. If you don't do it, something is not going to be right in your relationship. He's going to sense it and you're going to know it. It's inevitable that that will cause problems down the line.

 

You cannot stop thinking about that other man. The problem is that you are idealizing him and you haven't realized that it's normal to feel tempted. You are being very mature by deciding to avoid temptation, but I wonder how much of that was your decision and how much of it was his. My guess is that he is the one trying to avoid complications in his life and you simply agreed; feeling a bit relieved that he didn't press further. There is a serious danger that the two of you will cross the line again at the first sign of trouble in your married life though.

 

Stop idealizing that other man! Start picturing some of his faults instead of thinking how great he is. Imagine that he farts, belches, and treats people like insignificant ants. Realize that he is not really as great as you might think he is now. Start thinking of him as a lying, cheating rat who would betray even your beloved husband, the very man you should be protecting at all cost. He is the kind of man that would kiss and grope another man's wife right in front of the husband and laugh in his face. He is a real pig. He is the kind of man who would philander happily around town while leaving you at home with three babies and bills to pay. Let your self feel disgusted with him before it happens, because there is a good chance you will feel disgusted afterward.

[mandydarling]

We both decided to stop at the same time. I know it is ironic that we both did at the same time, but we did. One Monday we both began avoiding each other at the same time. It wasn't until Thursday that we actually wrote some emails back and forth explaining to each other that we were each trying to go "cold turkey."

 

Stop idealizing that other man! Start picturing some of his faults instead of thinking how great he is. Imagine that he farts, belches, and treats people like insignificant ants. Realize that he is not really as great as you might think he is now. Start thinking of him as a lying, cheating rat who would betray even your beloved husband, the very man you should be protecting at all cost. He is the kind of man that would kiss and grope another man's wife right in front of the husband and laugh in his face. He is a real pig. He is the kind of man who would philander happily around town while leaving you at home with three babies and bills to pay. Let your self feel disgusted with him before it happens, because there is a good chance you will feel disgusted afterward.

 

You are so right about idealizing. I keep admiring how nice and toughtful he has been through everything. I know that other people have said that I need to think of his bad qualities, but your paragraph really helped me see how to do that. Thank you.

 

I am planning on telling him this weekend. I think the suggestion of writing it out and asking him to listen to it all is great. I know that I am in for some extrememly unpleasant times, but I also know that I deserve it.

[Owl]

Keep posting here for advice on what to expect next in...we're rooting for you and your marriage to succeed!!!

[anne1707]

Mandy

 

I know it is going to be tough telling your husband but once it is done you will hopefully be able to show him how sorry you are and regret what you have done. Your H will probably be all over the place at first - anger, jealousy, despair.... But you have to face that and take whatever he has to throw at you.

 

You also have to be completely honest with him from this point on. If you try to hide something from him to "protect his feelings", he will probably suspect you are lying and things will only get worse. You can then both decide whether you want to work on your marriage - MC will really help in this process.

 

As for the OM - start looking for another job immediately. Keep contact to an absolute minimum - work and only work. The longer you are working together, the harder it will be for your husband. I know this from personal experience as I had an affair with a work colleague. I am looking for another job (though very little available in my area of expertise/region at the moment). It has made things so much harder for my H and I that I still work with the ex-OM and I know we would be further along the road to recovery if I worked elsewhere. My H has shown amazing strength in tolerating this (helped as he works in the same sector so knows there are not the opportunities for jobs elsewhere at the moment) but it does cause him pain every day I go to work.

 

The OM and how he feels is not your problem. Put all your focus on your husband and how he feels. Good luck.

[atwitsend]

Glad to hear that you are stepping up. I am also glad to hear that you are going to write this down and tell him, and not just blurt out "I cheated". He will in some degree play off of your lead, at least initially. The calmer you are can only help the situation. Do not scream out of frustration. You want him to vent not you.

[lkjh]

I just wanted to say congrats on preparing to do the right thing. Your marriage definitely stands a chance now that you are stepping up.

[vnqsh2001]

We both decided to stop at the same time. I know it is ironic that we both did at the same time, but we did. One Monday we both began avoiding each other at the same time. It wasn't until Thursday that we actually wrote some emails back and forth explaining to each other that we were each trying to go "cold turkey."

 

You are so right about idealizing. I keep admiring how nice and thoughtful he has been through everything. I know that other people have said that I need to think of his bad qualities, but your paragraph really helped me see how to do that. Thank you.

 

I am planning on telling him this weekend. I think the suggestion of writing it out and asking him to listen to it all is great. I know that I am in for some extremely unpleasant times, but I also know that I deserve it.

 

He's not being so nice and thoughtful. He's been a selfish A-hole who used you for his own satisfaction. Don't kid yourself. The most thoughtful thing he can do now is to leave you alone forever. You've got to start thinking about how lucky you are you didn't let yourself become this pig's personal wh0re.

 

When you tell your husband the truth, be prepared for the accusations. They will fly. He may not believe everything you say. If you say that you didn't actually have intercourse with the guy but you did show your coochie, he's going to wonder. If you say you touched the guy's crotch but you didn't give him a blowjob, he's going to suspect you're holding back the facts just to save face or protect him.

 

Just tell the facts and don't try to distort or minimize what happened. Don't say things like, "I just touched him a little bit. We kissed, but it didn't feel the same as when I kiss you. It wasn't much. It was no big deal." You've got to deliver the full punch to his gut and get it over with. Otherwise, it's like a hundred punches to the gut instead of one.

[vnqsh2001]

You are so right about idealizing. I keep admiring how nice and thoughtful he has been through everything. I know that other people have said that I need to think of his bad qualities, but your paragraph really helped me see how to do that. Thank you.

 

And for God's sake, don't say anything nice to your husband about the guy you fooled around with! If you start going on about how nice and thoughtful that other guy is, your husband is going to lose his mind.

 

If your husband asks you directly, then of course you should say that you thought the guy was being nice and thoughtful, but you came to your senses later and realized how much of an A-hole that guy really is and how truly wonderful your husband is by comparison.

[atwitsend]

Excellent point vnqsh. She should absolutely not be extolling the virtues of the OM to her husband. As you said she should speak as little as possible about him and keep the subject on her and her husband.

[vnqsh2001]

We both decided to stop at the same time. I know it is ironic that we both did at the same time, but we did. One Monday we both began avoiding each other at the same time. It wasn't until Thursday that we actually wrote some emails back and forth explaining to each other that we were each trying to go "cold turkey."

 

It doesn't make much sense to say that you both quit at the same time. That's kind of like saying it was an act of God. One of you was the instigator in this little affair and I'm guessing it was him. He was probably the aggressive one and he decided to back off. You were just the passive one all along. You may have been having moments of doubt, but I'm guessing that, if he pursued you that day instead of leaving you alone, you would have caved in to your attraction for him. Your husband might think that too.

 

It will probably be better to tell your husband that he started to leave you alone,which gave you the space you needed to come to your senses and allowed you to act on your doubts rather than your desires. I think it's ok to say that you came to this realization immediately after he backed off a little. Anything less than the truth is not likely to sit well with him.

[atwitsend]

D-Day for mandy, I hope she keeps her nerve up.

[mandydarling]

I cannot even describe how gut wrenching that was. I wrote it all out and asked him to listen to it all to the end before responding. He agreed. After I was done he just sat there and did not say anthing for what seemed an eternity. He asked to have the note, so I gave it to him. Then he said that he had to leave for a while.

 

A few hours later he returned. He asked if I was afraid that I was going to the OM house. I said yes, that I was concerned because I want to focus on us and not worry about how this is affecting OM. He asked if I called the OM and told him that I confessed and that he had left. I told him no. He asked to check my call records on my phone, and I let him. I know that I deserve not to be trusted.

 

Thank God that I had not called him. That really established a little trust back for me. I know that this could be a long hard road, but I really think that we will make it.

 

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. Honestly, I don't think that I would have gotten this far without this forum.

[Bryanp]

Congratulations. You did really good. Now the healing process can begin and your marriage become stronger than ever. Good luck.

[Dexter Morgan]

sorry mandy but you are not been honest here. To quote from your other thread:

 

"originally posted by mandydarling

i have been flirting, hugging, rubbing and having oral sex with a man at work."

 

busted!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

For people who say they will never ever ever ever cheated.. I say BULL...

 

Maybe thats because you really want to believe that there aren't people out there that are not like you.

 

I have never cheated, and never will. Some of us can say that even if other weak-minded individuals cannot.